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Posted on Thursday, 14 August 2003, at
Explanatory note: „There she blows!“ the man in the masthead would call out if spying a whale.
Call me Fitz.
My full name is Fitzwilliam Darcy and I am a lawyer. Actually I head a law firm in Vienna but what I really enjoy is the actual job – pondering over a difficult problem and finding a solution that benefits our client. The economical issues of running a firm I leave to my long term friend and partner Charles Bingley who is as thorough in business matters as he is flighty in love matters.
Now I am at my family´s home, Pemberley, in the Woodquarter, Lower Austria´s least populated part. The weather and the landscape are a bit rough but if you´ve learned to love it there´s nothing like it. Pemberley consists of a farm and the house which is uninhabited most of the time save Mr and Mrs Reynolds, the housekeepers.
As it is an uncommonly hot day I am going for a swim in the lake. Approaching I can hear laughing and water splashing. My mood immediately takes a turn for worse – the people of the nearby village know that they are not supposed to bathe there, as muddy and overgrown the lake is it is far too dangerous, furthermore the public bath in the village is more inviting anyway.
The real reason of the village people I suspect for respecting my wish is that they know I like to swim there, something I cannot do everywhere. I could, I mean, but I would attract unwanted attention.
All right, I will say it out loud: I am crippled. I know that I am supposed to say that I am challenged in my movements, but that´s not how I feel. It took me years to accept my bad leg and the fact that I cannot walk anything farther than to the bathroom without a cane but I have accepted it now and if I am challenged it is by a intricate law problem or by difficult decisions I have to make concerning my little – well not so little anymore - sister, Georgiana.
The people of the Woodquarter are a rough lot sometimes, rather taciturn usually, something I put down to the hard and long winters, but I cannot complain. Truth be told I am rather moved by their silent consideration but they would be as embarrassed as I myself should I ever mention this particular topic.
I am used to how my leg looks, much thinner that its companion, from the knee down in an awkward angle and badly scarred. People tend to be affronted by the look of it and therefore it is just as well that Pemberley has a lake within its borders where I can swim on my own. Because even if I can go on weeks without giving a thought about my leg I do feel uneasy when being stared at – outside the courtroom anyway.
Pondering whether to turn around unseen or to challenge the intruders I hear the laughter of a child. I know I have to act, people can be very foolish sometimes and the lake is no place for children.
I am greeting by an astonishing sight, one I won´t forget easily: Somebody is diving close under the water´s surface on his or her back, spouting like a whale. A small child – of five years perhaps – is sitting on a float wearing air wings and shouting, whenever the `whale´spouts
„There she blows! There she blows!“
As a boy I have spent many summers playing in and around the lake with my friend George, Mrs Reynold´s nephew whom my father liked well enough to invite to stay for summer regularly. We were pirates, we were Siouxs and Apaches, we were Tarzan, of course and we went there fishing. Thinking of George is never a good idea, it dampens my spirit considerably, maybe that´s why I am coming across a bit gruff.
„Ma´am, this is private property. Besides, the lake is terribly overgrown, it is actually quite dangerous to swim in there.“
„Good afternoon. I know that it is private property but the parish priest assured me that no one would mind as long as we didn´t go there later in the evening and he told me where to swim and where not to. My daughter here tends to develop a rash because of the chlorine in the public bath. I apologize for the intrusion however, we will be off in a moment.“
Despite her protestations to know where to swim safely the woman has quite a bit of seaweed in her hair, which is a mass of long and unruly dark brown curls. Otherwise I don´t notice anything remarkable about her save her eyes which glitter in a somewhat fiery light. I get the uneasy feeling that she has restrained herself from a less polite answer due to the presence of her daughter.
And it is true, usually I do not swim here until early evening. I am about to attempt to tell her that they are welcome to swim her again if they are careful when the little girl asks her mother
„Mama, why does this man´s leg look so strange?“
She answers calmly while stirring the child to where their belongings are scattered on the ground.
„Probably because of an accident, maybe with a car.“
Well, she got it right there.
I was nineteen then, still spending my summer holidays partly with George although I didn´t like his ways with women and drinking. As it was the weekend after my birthday I wanted to celebrate with a few friends in Derby, a few miles from Pemberley. George had offered to stay sober and drive us home safely. Under normal circumstances I would have noticed that he hadn´t been true to his word but this evening I didn´t suspect anything – otherwise I would have taken the keys off him and walked home.
We ended on a tree, lucky really, because the tree hindered the car from careening down the slope. George had some abrasions and a concussion and I was cut out of the car by the fire brigade. For some time it looked as I might lose my leg but in the end I was able to walk on crutches again when my first year at university started.
I was still hoping for a full recovery but by Christmas time, several operations later I had to accept that I would have to use a cane and deal with occasional bouts of pain and – though I hope that´s still some time off – problems with my spine that will develop because my injured leg is shorter than its companion.
„Good bye.“
They are done with their packing and although the little girl looks disappointed she isn´t complaining, due to the promise of ice cream as compensation, I think.
I have been lost in my thoughts, therefore they are already on their way without me telling them that they are welcome to swim here again. I am not sure they hear my goodbyes as I call after them.
Well, Lambton isn´t that big, I will find them and offer the use of the lake.
Floating on my back in the middle of the lake I cannot resist – I let myself sink below the surface, spouting.
Posted on Monday, 18 August 2003,
Notes of explanation: Herbert is a catholic priest, which means that he isn't allowed to marry. „Summertime“ is by Gershwin, Fitz is quoting a line from it: Your daddy's rich and your ma is good looking.
In the evening I leave Pemberley house through the kitchen door with the intention of calling on my friend Herbert, the parish priest of Lambton. He is bound to know about the lady with a penchant for whaling – or one for good books rather.
Herbert is several years my junior and has been assigned to Lambton three years ago. From the beginning he has got along very well with the villagers, being amiable and openminded, yet not too progressive to offend the elder parishioners. He has a knack for fundraising, that´s how we met, discussing my participation in renewing the church roof. Of the weekends I am in Pemberley one evening is usually spent in Herbert´s company, over a bottle of wine either in his study or my library. We do not have an awfully lot in common and our discussions do not run very deep usually but enjoy each other´s company anyway.
We are both lonely I guess.
Over the last months I have noticed that Herbert is out of spirits sometimes, I am not sure whether I should ask him why. I guess the day to day routine is catching on with him after the first enthusiasm of being responsible for a parish. He has once told me what an old priest had said to him, that over the years the most difficult aspect of celibacy was not dealing with ones sexual desires but with the loneliness. How can I be lonely here in Lambton? Herbert had exclaimed laughingly. I am invited for dinner four times in some weeks, my study door is open all the time and I can tell you, I do not lack visitors. Recently his stories have changed in tone, he is sounding increasingly annoyed with petty disputes among his parishioners and how they try to instrumentalize him for their cause. But what really rocked his equanimity was when something personal he disclosed once over dinner with one family was talk of the town soon afterwards. Then he had to realise that – while he is everybody´s confidante – he has to be very careful about what to tell whom.
Crossing the meadow behind the rectory I notice a little tent, maybe from the youth circle. As the door is open but no one is to be found in the kitchen or the study I walk around the house, following the delicious smell of chicken and rosemary. Herbert has set up a grill and is engaged in an earnest discussion with none other than the woman from my lake. To my relief her mien upon seeing me expresses slight amusement now, not the barely restraint anger from our first meeting. Herbert is about to introduce us when a funny looking contraption, looking like a coloured, oversize mobile phone starts to crackle.
With an apologetic „Sorry, babyphone.“she is off.
Herbert explains
„Esther, that´s Lizzy´s daughter, is sleeping in the tent over there, she refused to stay alone without the babyphone.“
„Ah, we have met in the afternoon.“
„Or so I have been told. – You have a fine knack for ladies, Fitz.“ he added with a chuckle.
„I was about to offer them the use of the lake but they were off very quickly. And – not wanting to hurt your feelings - I even came over this evening to ask you where to find her so that I can offer an apology.“
„Do not worry, Lizzy is not prone to dwell on unpleasant things too long.“
„I do not consider myself unpleasant, nor a thing.“ I answered with more vehemence than I meant.
„Come on Fitz, are you bound to ruin my best evening in months? Just try to be polite.“
His best evening in months? Suddenly I feel very uneasy. I do not think that Herbert is about to do something rash, he takes his calling far too seriously, but it can´t do him any good to become the central object of Lambton´s gossip mongers.
„Do you think it wise to let them camp here, to sit cozily around the fire with a young woman?“
Herbert´s look of acute embarrassment confirms my worst fears until I notice that he is looking at someone behind me.
„Ester´s not going to sleep alone, I am off. Good night.“
With not one look at me she is off indeed.
Herbert is looking at me, a look usually reserved for the most badly behaved members of his youth circles.
„I try not to be offended by your apparent mistrust. Lizzy and I went to school together, played in a band together and have stayed in touch over the years. And she insisted on camping, for the sake of the gossip mongers.“
„Look, Herbert, I am sorry. I never suspected anything, ah, untoward. You have been quite out of spirits lately and, well, - yes, I am an ass sometimes.“
Fortunately he isn´t offended, with my often cynical view of the world I might have underestimated his strength.
„I am not commenting your last statement. Seriously, Fitz, you should loosen up sometimes. And I appreciate that you refrained from commenting on my initial enthusiasm as well as its, well, adaption to reality. I know now what I can do and what not and how to economize with my own strength. Do not worry about me.“
I have underestimated Herbert. Could my long ago ex – girlfriend have been right, could it be that I have a tendency to be patronizing, arrogant even?
Suddenly I feel very foolish – not only have I been read like a book (no comforting thought for a court lawyer), I have also alienated for good the first woman that kindled my interest in two years.
Not my day.
The chicken is wonderful however and after we have assured each other not to worry about the other Herbert and I part.
As I walk home through the night I pass the little tent. Somebody – Lizzy – is humming „Summertime“.
Well, Esther, I do not know whether your daddy is rich, but your ma is good looking.
Posted on Thursday, 21 August 2003
Note: Brussels is the capitol of Belgium and hosts the European Parliament.
A splendid summer has passed, followed by a crisp and clear autumn. Now October is here, drizzling, foggy. People put up their collars and in the tramway one does not know whether to huddle together for warmth or rather shrink away from ones neighbor's sneezing.
I have tried hard to forget the woman from the lake – Lizzy. Being perfectly aware that I am no teenager anymore I cannot explain for the world why I am unable to ban her from my thoughts. I know nothing about her, for heaven's sake!
Maybe I have been alone for too long.
I have been together with Alice, a fellow lawyer for nearly three years. We share the same background, a similar passion for our profession, alike political views, both appreciate the arts – we got along just fine. True, we weren´t the most passionate couple but had a nice and comfortable relationship. Then Alice got a job offer in Brussels as a consultant to the European Union. She was thrilled with the opportunity and I was too, without question I supported her in this. Things went well at first even though we saw each other only every second or third weekend. I didn´t even realize that gradually it became every forth or so weekend and our conversations over the phone were much shorter and less frequent. Then one evening I came home and Alice was there, completely unexpected for me. That fact alone raised my concern but on the other hand she looked radiant, if a bit nervous. I thought she had to make another career decision and had flown in for my opinion on the matter.
„Fitz, I know you didn´t expect me but I had to come and talk to you in person.“
„Of course, I am happy to see you. Is everything all right with you in Brussels?“
„Oh, yes, perfectly so. Look, I want to be straight forward ...“
By then I knew that she wouldn´t be talking about her job and was surprised by my own calmness.
„I have not been unfaithful, but, ah, I fell in love with somebody. And I realized that – even if nothing ever comes out of it – I do not want to return to Vienna.“
Alice looked uncomfortable but glowing and optimistic all the same. Of course I didn´t throw a scene then and I didn´t experience heartbreak later, I simply adjusted to my single status again. We´d been a good team in our way, respected each other but none of us pretended to be madly in love with the other. The frequency of our phone calls has been nearly the same as before the break up and last year I was invited to Alice´s wedding with Henry Lebois, a diplomat, who is as madly in love with her as she is with him.
Is it my turn now? Not the marriage part, but the madly in love part. Or am I simply mad?
I am however a constant source of amusement for Herbert. Whenever I see him I try to ask some inconspicuous questions about Lizzy. Inconspicuous indeed! The last time I saw him he parried my cautious overtures with an emphatic
„Blast it, Fitz! Now I´ve lost my bet and it´s your fault!“
Upon seeing my face Herbert couldn´t contain his laughter for some minutes until he took pity on me and explained
„Do not worry, I made the bet with myself, your secret is safe with me. I bet that you would try to introduce Lizzy into our conversation within the first five minutes, but you took seven today.“
He can safely tease me of course as he knows he´s my only tangible clue to her. Maybe I should talk to his bishop whether a priest is allowed to be such a terrible tease.
Herbert doesn´t even answer my questions properly! So far I know that she´s a single mom, unattached, a fairly good guitarist and hailing from a small village near the town Herbert´s from.
At the moment however I am distracted from the state of my love life, or lack thereof: In my firm half of my employees are – due to a nasty bout of influenza – either on sick leave or walking around hollow-eyed and coughing. Which is why I find myself in court today. I have to take over more cases that would fit in one day and my only salvation is the fact that the influenza virus doesn't spare judges whose cases are postponed as well.
The case now to be read should be a piece of cake. At least David Fisher, one of my youngest lawyers has told my so over the phone, all the while sneezing terribly: a termination of a rent contract due to failure to pay rent, defendant represented by „Tenant´s Help“. „Tenant´s Help“ is an organization that – for a small yearly fee – provides legal help for its members when they have problems with their landlords. The organization employs some pretty good lawyers but they are constantly overworked.
I manage to reach the courtroom, one of the small ones well hidden on the back of the building, nearly on time.
And there she is.
Note: I have bent Austrian civil law to fit my purposes, and besides, we do not have case law. Guglhupf is a cake and the Dianabad is a public indoor pool in Vienna´s second district.
I must have stared at her for quite some time because the judge clears her throat.
„Your honour, please excuse my tardiness, due to influenza I am covering for a few colleagues, Dr. Fisher amongst them. My name is Fitz Darcy.“
Lizzy looks at me, recognition dawning.
„Well then, let us proceed, Mr Darcy. Ms Bennet, are you ready?“
Lizzy Bennet, Elizabeth Bennet, my obsession finally has a name.
How I could ever have thought her not remarkable is beyond me. Her curls are tamed into a tight bun but, a few ringlets escaping. Her complexion is clear and fresh and she is dressed with pleasing simplicity while on the same time managing to appear less sternly clad than the other women lawyers I know. (Later I will learn that she achieves that effect by refusing to spend time behind the ironing board, thus chosing soft garments for her work clothes only.)
Ms Bennet´s client is a frightened looking woman in her thirties, clutching at her handbag. I can already smell the story behind her failing to pay the rent – divorce and/or unemployment, small children at home, ex – husband fails to pay child support. I will agree of course when Ms Bennet pleads for suspending the execution of the termination.
My turn: I plead for termination of the contract due to tenant´s failing to pay the rent for March and July of the ongoing year, at the same time hinting at being open to negotiation.
Ms Bennet rises after a reassuring pat on her client´s shoulder. I expect her to look at me with gratitude for not putting up any obstacles for her client.
I am to be disappointed.
She fights the termination itself! She argues that my client´s billing system is faulty for not billing incoming rent payments for the eldest debt thus allowing tenants to fall behind with their payments more than two months – the period required for the landlord to issue a termination. Ms Bennet strengthens her line of argumentation with references to a certain case and a subsequent paper on it in „Austrian Property Law Review“.
I do not need to see the strange glint in Ms Bennet´s eyes or the amusement barely hidden on the judge´s face to know to which case she is referring - I have won the case and consequently written about it.
„As there is no cause for termination I dismiss your case, Mr Darcy.“ the judge announces.
I hardly do lose in court, and never have I felt so elated because of it. She is witty, she is beautiful, she is a brilliant lawyer – I am a very happy man!
Ms Bennet is handing out kleenex to her very relieved client, in turn receiving her warmest thanks and urgent offers to come anytime for coffee and a guglhupf. Finally we are alone in the courtroom.
As I do not move she looks at me questioningly, not triumphant but with merrily dancing eyes. I admire her even more for her not rubbing it in that she has just sent home one of the most prominent property lawyers of Vienna on a textbook case, my very own as well. I will have to talk to David Fisher about case preparation and keeping up with new developments – he should at least be aware of the landmark cases his boss wins.
Words leave me and all my imagining seeing her again and what I would say then comes to nothing.
„Ms Bennet, I do want to apologize for my behaviour when we met first, I was in a bad mood but you shouldn´t have had to suffer because of it. You both are very welcome to swim in the lake anytime you like.“
Smiling she replies
„Thank you, Mr Darcy, but at the moment we prefer the indoor pool of the Dianabad.“
Upon seeing my dejected look she adds
„We will take up your offer when it´s warmer again“
I feel a blush creeping up my neck and – as my stammering can´t possibly get any worse – I continue, trying to get everything off my breast at once
„As to my unfortunate comment you overheard, I never meant to imply anything ...“
„Do not worry about that. Even before Herbert was ordained I tried to caution him. His openness and cheerfulness make him a very good priest but as a parish priest he is under public scrutiny and has to take care that his amiability is not misconstrued, not as much for the sake of gossips but for his own peace of mind.“
People are beginning to file into the room for the next case so we take our leave. In the corridor outside I am about to ask her out when Jane Beveridge joins us, looking sterner than I´ve ever seen her.
Posted on Monday, 25 August 2003
Note: The Prater is a large area with woods and meadows near the center of Vienna. A small part of it is a fairground, that´s where the Giant Wheel is, but Fitz´s flat is at the other side of the Prater, he has just to cross the street to be in the woods.
Jane used to work for my firm until, well, until that unfortunate incident with Charles Bingley. Now she is linking her arm with Lizzy, barely acknowledging my presence. Ms Bennet seems to be surprised by her resoluteness as well because she lets herself to be dragged away after Jane states
„I have to talk to you on an urgent matter, Lizzy, now.“
With
„Excuse me, Mr Darcy, good bye.“
they are gone before I am able to say anything more. Well, I know her name, her place of work – I will see her again.
Charles teases me mercilessly but nothing can dampen my spirit.
„Hey, Fitz, do you think I can start practising my speach as best man? Dear guests, dear family, I simply knew that something was afoot when Fitz came back from court after loosing a case smiling, nay grinning like no one had seen him before.“
„Charles, I am serious, if she will have me I marry her tomorrow. But maybe I should look for another best man.“
I hired Jane Beveridge two years ago, snatched her away from a colleague who had spoken derisively about her lack of aggression, totally unsuitable for a lawyer, she should be a kindergarten teacher he had said. Well, stupid and shortsighted of him, but I wasn´t going to tell him.
Jane is very gentle and serene besides being a very good lawyer, always striving for harmony and conciliation. And clients trust her, they trust her because they can feel that she is in earnest. We´ve had cases that had been dragging on for years that were solved after a few meetings with her. And so, while all the others were talking about mediation and sending their staff to expensive training courses for it I had my own perfect mediator, loyal, experienced and trusted.
Charles was smitten with from the day he´d laid eyes on her (have I mentioned that she is a beauty?) Jane seemed to respond to his cheerful person as well, though perhaps not as fervently. I had seen Charles fall in and out of love numerous times, the women concerned weren´t even angry with him on most occasions after the falling out, he has that knack.
Still I feared that Jane wouldn´t take things as lightly and besides that I didn´t want any disturbances - as ex-lovers would be – in our firm. So I told Charles to be careful, not to toy with Jane, to leave his hands off her if he hadn´t serious intentions. I do not know what happened then, it is a subject Charles is uncharacteristically silent about but one morning I found a fuming – as much fuming as possible with her personality – Jane in my office, telling me that she was leaving the firm. No amount of persuasion or reasoning could make her sway and so she left, quickly finding a new job as by then no law firm in Vienna would underestimate her qualities. I couldn´t shake the feeling that she was blaming me for something but she wouldn´t tell her reasons.
For some days I am content with my knowledge of who my lady of the lake is. I have looked up her work number, her home number – she lives even in the same district as me, the Leopoldstadt.The Leopoldstadt is a very mixed neighbourhood, everything from quite shabby buildings with lots of flats, mainly on the outskirts, to the quiet art deco – elegance of the buildings in the Boecklinstrasse near the Prater where I live.
I have picked up the phone but something holds me back from calling her and asking her out for coffee or lunch. Yes, I admit it, I am nervous as a schoolboy.
Shortly before Christmas I get an e-mail asking me to join a board of advisers to the ministry of justice for a new rent law. I am about to decline outright when I take a look at who else is invited. There she is!
Still I hesitate. I am a conservative but I do not agree with the current government in Austria, I think it was a mayor mistake of the chancellor to form a governing coalition with the rightwing Freedom Party. The last thing I would want is to be instrumentalized by the government but it is quite likely that they would read my agreeing to participate as a gesture in favour of their politics. Furthermore Lizzy and I would be adversaries – I am supposed to speak for the landlords, she for the tenants. I try to stall by mailing back that I will participate if my schedule then allows for it, as sessions will not start for the next month.
Christmas is a lonely affair, the first time without Georgiana. My little sister has married last spring and has moved to Australia with her husband Alan where they work on a huge project together (they are both architects). I had planned to spend Christmas with them but fate has intervened. Georgie got pregnant. It was not planned but they are both overjoyed if a little bit anxious because she will have twins. Their project will be near conclusion when the babies are due which means lots of work for Alan. Therefore Georgiana asked me to come then instead of December for a prolonged stay. That´s why I will be going to Sidney in March and won´t return until June, return as an uncle.
Someday in January – no, I can be exact here as I am not prone to ever forget this date, January the 16th – I meet Ms Bennet again in the courthouse. We travel down the same escalator together with other people and she has acknowledged my presence with a nod. She´s looking exhausted and obviously labouring under quite a cold. I ponder the wisdom of addressing her now with my request of a lunch date but my desire to be near her wins over. Catching up with her just outside the building I call after her
„Ms Bennet, may I ask you something?“
As she´s turning round I realize the extent of her illness, she is clearly not fit to work, she should be in bed with tea and some aspirins. I am about to overthrow my plan and just make sure she get´s home safely when she enquires
„Will you ask now whatever you want to ask, Mr Darcy, or do you mean to keep me out here until my cold has turned to pneumonia?“
I am an absolute idiot. As if I didn´t know the feeling – every bone aches, head is pounding and the only possible place to be is in bed. I should have put her into a taxi but something irked me in her indignant answer, or somehow I thought she would feel better after my offer, therefore I continued against my better knowledge.
„Will you have lunch with me when you´re better?“
„Lunch? With you?“
Speaking is clearly costing her an effort but still I cannot misinterpret the tone of her exclamation for joyous wonderment or happy surprise.
„Maybe I ought to feel sorry for you but I cannot. Even without Jane´s warning my opinion of you would not be better, your selfishness just now only confirms it.“
With that she´s gone.
I get drunk that evening, the first time in ages. I want to drink myself into oblivion, I do not want to face her rejection.
I will have to tomorrow, but not now.
The next morning I phone at the firm and cancel all my appointments for the day. I have to do some serious thinking. I am aware that I haven´t left the most favourable impression on Lizzy when meeting her first but I have apologized, haven´t I? I do not think that Jane has told her something that is not true so there must be something I missed, somehow my perception of the affair must be faulty. Did I tell Charles of my concern for Jane´s feelings? No, I didn´t, not even before Charles would I want to appear so softhearted. I simply stated my concern for the smooth running of our firm. It wouldn´t be in Charles´nature to hide behind that but I am beginning to see why Jane is upset with me, how things might have been interpreted by her in the wrong way. I could kick myself – the first woman in years I´ve been interested in and I´ve blown it. Maybe that´s been my mistake - I have been interested but never ever thought about whether she´d be as well, I´ve just assumed that she would be overjoyed with my overture. Selfish she´s called me. I could think of other things as well.
Well, I have to get over it. I would like to correct her assumptions concerning my actions towards Jane but dismiss the thought.
I do have distractions, having to finish up everything before leaving at work and I am talking to Georgiana over the phone nearly every day. She is very anxious, the twins appear to be quite small and her obstetrician is planning a caesarean. I try to calm her but I feel very helpless. Georgie would need a woman to talk to for allaying her fears. Besides that they aren´t in Australia long enough for having made friends who could help now.
I am to leave Vienna in a weeks time when I get a call from the ministry of justice. A prominent member of the board of advisers for the new rent law has had a stroke, would I please fill in. I try to tell them that – having followed the development of the new law only cursorily and going away soon – I do not think to be helpful but they persist and finally I agree to attend the next session.
They sent the papers the board so far has produced. I do not like what I read, not at all. The old law is in dire need of some adjustments to modern time and economy but this is going too far, if this law passes parliament tenants will have no rights at all – except to pay. On my second reading however I detect a loophole, quite a small one but nevertheless big enough for the constitutional court to overthrow the whole thing. As the government is quite determined to pass the law with or without our board agreeing this could be the only way to hinder the new law. Why the ministry of justice even bothered to invite organizations like „Tenants Help“? Only to quiet the opposition I think. This cannot be easy for Ms Bennet. I am confident that she is aware of being a scapegoat , on the board for the sole reason of enabling the government to claim later that they have heard the other side´s arguments. Declining the invitation would have been impossible either.
I try to brace myself, try to convince myself of being unimpressed, calm, ... you name it. All right, I will go there, sit and talk and argue and then concentrate on Georgiana. I will not think any further on Ms Bennet.
Notes: It wouldn´t be as easy as described below to prevent a law. Ismael is telling the story of „Moby Dick“, Darcy refers to when he saw Lizzy and Esther first.
Posted on Friday, 29 August 2003, at
How could I ever have thought her not worth any more effort on my side? How could I ever have considered to let her go without fighting? If I cannot have her love I will at least try to win her good opinion, I will explain myself.
The board meeting started inconspiciously enough. She was there, sitting a few places down on the opposite side. Her eyes rested on me briefly when taking her seat, returning my greeting. For propriety's sake I introduce myself after the meeting has started, telling why I am here and why that would be my first and last meeting.
Discussion about the law ensues and I am wondering why „Tenant´s Help“ ie. Lizzy isn´t putting up more of a fight. Then I realize that none of my colleagues has spotted the loop-hole yet. Said passage is discussed just now and I detect signs of nervousness in Ms Bennet. Whenever someone comes too close to the hole she tries to stir the discussion into another direction. Quite a strategy – she knows she cannot stop the new rent law but is thinking already ahead, thinking of overthrowing it by appealing to the constitutional court. The strategy is all right but the execution is lacking – she is far too nervous, someone will notice this soon and start to think about it. I have to help her.
„Do we want to discuss it as far as reasons for termination today?“
It works! Our chairman, a ministry of justice official, summarizes the meeting so far and then asks, looking around
„I think we have exhausted section four, if you all agree – could we move on to section five?“
Everyone agrees and I can see the weight coming off Lizzy´s shoulders. She relaxes but soon gets pensive again. Then she looks up, squarely into my eyes. I answer her unspoken question with the slightest raise of my eyebrows whereupon her gaze slightly falters. I try to convey to her that she can trust me, that I won´t betray her strategy.
She seems to understand because one corner of her mouth turns up in an ever so small smile.
When the meeting breaks up we do not have an opportunity to talk, it wouldn´t be wise anyway, someone might detect our silent coalition. On her way out Lizzy mouths a silent „Thank you“ which I answer in the same manner with „You´re welcome.“ Yes, Ms Bennet, you´re welcome to steal my heart, to engage my mind, to haunt my nights.
Of course I will fight! How come that I thought the cause lost? So far she´d only turned down an invitation for lunch based on at least biased information about my character when being herself quite ill. It is not as if I have proposed marriage and she said no. No, I will try to talk to her before leaving for Australia, trying to gain her permission to call after coming to Vienna again. Then we´ll see.
Is my conscience bothered by me suppressing the knowledge of the loop-hole? No, I am aware that laws sometimes produce injustices or inequalities even if they try otherwise. But this law doesn´t pretend to be just it spells GREED in capital letters. No, on the contrary, my conscience would be bothered if I´d be an accomplice in passing the law.
I have finished packing, everything at work is in order, I have said goodbye to friends and colleagues. Now I sit and watch the phone. Should I call her at work? No, bad idea. At home? She might not welcome this intrusion into her private life. Engage Herbert as a go-between? Not enough time left, besides my pride forbids it. Arranging a meeting is quite out of the question too, even if she´d agree – which I think highly unlikely, I know I cannot trust my tongue when she´s near. I will be old-fashioned and write. Not an e-mail but a real letter.
„Be not alarmed, madam, ...“ Wait a minute, where did that come from? Ah, yes, that´s from Georgie´s favourite book, I had to read it to her after her mountain bike accident with sixteen when she couldn´t read herself due to concussion. Does it have a happy end? I will have to ask her.
After some tries I have composed a missive which hopefully will correct some of her opinions about me.
„Dear Ms Bennet,Please do not fear that I will continue to importune you, I did understand you perfectly. I think I know enough of your sense of justice however to expect from you to read this letter, to hear me out. When Jane left our firm I couldn´t shake the feeling that she was blaming me in some way. Your remark in January confirms this. I have tried to find out whether her leaving was somehow related to Charles, who is my partner, but neither Jane nor Charles would talk about it and I didn´t think it my due to ask any further.
I will just lay before you all that happened from my point of view. Jane joined our firm and Charles was smitten instantly. I have seen him falling in and out of love many times before and he even has the knack of staying friends with his ex-lovers.
Jane seemed to like him as well. I feared that she would not take things as lightly as Charles is wont to take them, I really did not want to see her hurt and furthermore feared the disruption a disagreement between two important persons in the firm would cause. Therefore I told Charles to leave Jane alone if he wasn´t serious in his intentions.
Now I can see how this statement could have laid ground for various misunderstandings. I didn´t explain myself to Charles, didn´t want to disclose to him how much thought I sometimes spend on the emotional wellbeing of our employees. You see, Charles is the nice one and I am supposed to be the decisive, the tough one. If you´re thinking now that´s typical male stupidity, yes, I agree. Charles could have easily read things into my statement about Jane I never intended. But as a lawyer I am of course aware that negligence can make guilty too and I accept my share of the blame. I am very sorry for causing Jane any heartache; I respect her greatly, personally and professionally. And I apologize for my rude selfishness in detaining you out in the cold when you were clearly ill.
Best wishes to you and many happy voyages for your little Ismael
Fitzwilliam Darcy
Note: The adresses are fictional! (or so I think, I haven´t tried them out but if you do you will probably find another Austen-fan who will understand.)
The letter is forgotten when I arrive in Sidney because not Alan is fetching me from the airport but a friend of his, claiming that Alan is in the hospital with Georgiana as the twins had to be born last night because doctors feared for their safety.
Georgiana is still drugged, she looks awfully pale and forlorn in the big hospital bed. Alan is alternately beaming and worrying and the twins are tiny. Selma, the firstborn by two minutes, and Joshua are only about two kilograms each. The doctor assures us that they are perfectly allright and that Georgiana soon will be.
He is right, my little sister gets better every day though she is grateful for some help. Getting in and out of bed is a painful endeavour with the fresh cut from the caesarean so I station myself on the settee in her room and bring her son or daughter whenever they´re hungry, change their nappies and walk up an down the corridors of the clinic, pushing them in their little rolling beds. I am reluctant to carry them around when walking as I am afraid of stumbling and for the same reason I do not dare to bathe them.
Georgiana cries a lot, sometimes laughing under her tears and sometimes not. The nurses tell me that´s to be expected due to hormonal changes after the birth. Alan pops in every evening after work. On Saturday he goes to the hospital in the morning and I stay at home. I check my e-mails for the first time in a week. Nothing remarkable save one.
After two hours I have answered or deleted all save the last one. I cannot stall any longer, I have to open it.
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: F.Darcy@bingley-darcy-lawyers.com
Subject: Your letter
Mr Darcy,
I have got your letter today and would like to answer it though not on your work address.
Yours,
Elizabeth Bennet
From: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Mail address
Dear Ms Bennet, This is my sister´s account which I can use for now. She won´t go near her computer for some time as she got twins last Monday. Hoping to hear from you soon.
Fitz Darcy
I couldn´t resist the Dear . Am I too pushy? It is a small miracle after all that she wants to answer my letter.
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.com
Subject: Apology
Dear Mr Darcy,
I apologize for my comments in January. I was ill then but not to such extent as to make it impossible for me to stay civil. I will explain myself as well:
Jane and I attended university together and without her help I wouldn´t have finished my degree after I got pregnant. Jane´s calmness and serenity were a tremendous support, I will be forever grateful to her.
I was able to partly repay her her kindness last year when she was devastated due to a wrong gone love affair. Jane didn´t tell me any details then. I consider myself to be her best friend but despite her amiability she is a very private person. She seemed to have lost her faith in the world, something I couldn´t understand because as much as Jane strives for harmony she is entirely aware of the fact that the word in general and relationships in particular are not always rose tinted.
After seeing us together outside the courtroom engaged in pleasant conversation she felt the need to warn me and told me for the first time the whole story of her disappointment:
Her employer before you had done quite some damage to her self esteem. She was happy in your firm and very grateful to you for recognizing her talents and giving her the perfect place to work. Jane was very fond of you as well and would have gone a long way to pay back to you for giving her a chance.
Charles showered her with attentions nearly from her first day but she was content with her situation just as it was. After a few months however she realized how much she´d come to like his cheerful and sunny disposition and how much she looked forward to seeing him every day. In short, she fell in love with him.
Jane is the most amiable person I know but she is careful in bestowing her affection and I have only once seen her anywhere near being in love before. You have been correct in your assumption, Jane doesn´t take things lightly.
What I am going to write now is going to hurt and disappoint you though I am quite sure that the thought has entered your mind before. Just when Jane was prepared to return Charles´ feelings he broke off their blossoming relationship on grounds of you having expressed your fear of them harming the firm. Jane was more hurt by your apparent mistrust than by Charles rejection. She felt her loyalty, her good sense, her whole person questioned by you. Of course she could have questioned Charles but it is understandable I think that she trusted her lover over you.
In my opinion the only one to blame here is Charles. After your statement had alerted him to Jane not being an easy flirt he took the coward´s way out and hid behind you. It is noble of you to take the blame upon you but unnecessary. I have to apologize for taking everything as face value and judging you on hearsay. My only defense is that I took Jane´s warnings seriously because she never thinks badly of anyone, you were the only exception. But still I should have questioned her account because if there is one thing I quite sure of about you from my own experience it is that you make statements that come out differently than intended.
Congratulations to your sister and her husband and of course to you as an uncle
Best wishes
Elizabeth Bennet
Posted on Tuesday, 2 September 2003, at
Wow.
Wild horses can´t keep me from hoping where I didn´t dare to hope before. I am sorry for Jane and more than a little bit angry with Charles but still I am elated that she deemed me worth such a long answer. And to have started it with Dear Mr Darcy!
From: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Re: Apology
Dear Ms Bennet,
thank you for your long letter. I understand your reasons perfectly and will surely not blame you for being a loyal friend. I knew even then that it wasn´t the perfect time and place to ask you out but – I have to be honest here even if risking your ire again – in my absolute conceitedness I thought you would feel better if being able to look forward to lunch with me, can you believe it.
You were right, the thought of Charles hiding behind me entered my mind but I chose not to explore it. Do you think I should explain everything to Jane? I am not sure whether my desire to talk to her is not a selfish one and that knowing everything is not causing her even more grief.
Yours,
Fitz Darcy
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.com
Subject: Jane
Dear Mr Darcy,
I do not think that you should approach Jane because I fear she is still harbouring a tender regard for Charles. It is easier for her in my opinion to feel betrayed by her boss than by him.
As to the first subject you broached – I appreciate your honesty and have to return it: if not for Jane I would have felt better.
I do hope that your sister and the babies are all right.
Elizabeth Bennet
From: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Re: Jane
Dear Ms Bennet,
you are right, approaching Jane is out of the question, I had figured out that much by myself. I will confront Charles eventually however.
Georgiana is recovering – she had a caesarean – and the twins are very well, keeping us on our feet day and night.
The trio came home from the clinic the day before yesterday and now the whole household is adapting to the new situation.
I try to help Georgiana as much as possible but as she is breastfeeding I fear she doesn´t get a lot of rest. What worries me further is that she still is crying a lot.
Yours,
Fitz Darcy
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.com
Subject: Babyblues
Dear Mr Darcy,
do not worry too much. The baby blues shouldn´t last more than a few weeks at the longest. I can very well remember the feelings of helplessness and the fear of being not able to look after a newborn properly, often enhanced by sleep deprivation.
With twins it must be even worse, topped by a caesarean which is a mayor operation with all its aftereffects after all.
You will find that you all will adjust to the new situation better day by day.
If I may add some advice: Though helping your sister is a good thing but if you´re not careful it may lead to only seeing her children when they are crying. Do try to find situations when she is well rested and the twins are in a good mood, it will get her a long way towards gaining more confidence as a mother.
Best wishes
Elizabeth Bennet
PS: I have to remind you that you´ve committed a terrible faux pas concerning newborn babies: neither did you tell me their measurements nor even their names or gender.
PPS: A picture would be nice too
I have fallen asleep on the living room sofa, Joshua snuggling peacefully on my chest, Selma asleep too in the pram. The smell of coffee wakes me up as Georgie places an espresso on the table, together with a cup of malt coffee for herself. She is looking well, rested and peaceful. Taking Joshua off me and placing him in the pram alongside his sister she addresses me with an amused twinkle.
„Long distance relationship, brother? I am sorry, I didn´t want to pry but by accident I opened your last e-mail and when I saw the subject I couldn´t help myself. I have read about everything I am experiencing now but it helps to hear it from another woman rather than a book.“
„Never mind, I meant to tell you that I am using your account.“
Georgiana´s digital camera is there on the table and I am about to take pictures of Selma and Joshua when Georgie starts giggling.
„Pictures for your lady friend? I´ve already sent her some, along with my thanks.“
Without a word I go to her study, followed by her now full blown laughter. Clicking on „Sent emails“ I do not read Georgiana's answer to Ms Bennet but open the attachment. There are two pictures, one of Selma in the pram and Joshua and me fast asleep.
Well.
From: G.Darcy-Fitzsimmons@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Georgie´s health
Dear Ms Bennet,
as you can see my sister is much better, already fit enough to tease an unsuspecting brother mercilessly. I will have to get an account of my own quickly.
Yours,
Fitz Darcy
Posted on Sunday, 7 September 2003
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Cute
Dear Mr Darcy,
I do hope you weren´t too embarrassed by your sister´s stunt. No, I know you are not, as it clearly shows that she is much better. I have always wondered how babies, who voice their protest aloud against being touched by even the fluffiest towel, snuggle with delight under the stubbiest chin. Someone should write a thesis about it.
I have to be serious now for a moment: Maybe you´ve heard already – the rent law is in parliament now, unaltered in section 4 and there´s no doubt that it will pass the parliament. After taking a closer look at what clients your firm has, whom you refused to take as client and at some of your cases, I can see that your convictions prompted you to act as you did. Still I´d like to thank you for your help. On my own I might have blown it, I was that nervous.
Please do not take offense at me making that kind of enquiries, I did not mistrust you personally but I owed it to the importance of the cause to make sure. After all I cannot say `He looked at me and I knew he was sincere´ if ever asked.
Yours,
Elizabeth Bennet
Her last mail was not as light in tone as its predecessors, although it started with teasing. It felt somehow, I don´t know, stilted. On one hand I wish to have our easy banter back, on the other hand it makes me giddy with expectation as it must be more than common politeness that she´s so defensive all of a sudden, so anxious to avoid any misunderstandings. Besides – didn´t she write that she might have enjoyed a lunch date if not for Jane´s warnings? I wallow in happiness until I realize that I absolutely have to put her at ease. I won´t be back in Vienna for the next two months; more than enough time to let things go wrong if we cannot establish a strong enough relationship.
Or could it be she ..., no, I will not finish that thought.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Re: Cute
Dear Ms Bennet,
Although I have given you reason to think otherwise I promise not to jump to any conclusions (or at least not to wrong ones). E-mails are sadly inadequate in many ways but anything else is hardly practical between Austria and Australia. I am not offended by your enquiries, of course not, I am aware that you are a good (and thorough) lawyer. Should you ever write something I cannot agree on I will tell you so and you will either clear up any misunderstandings there are or argue your point. But please, please do not consider writing about the weather only or stop writing altogether just because of the possibility of misunderstandings or disagreements.
I am looking forward to your next mail.
Yours,
Fitzwilliam Darcy
PS: The simple explanation behind babies love of stubble is probably the universal and timeless attraction pirates present.
PPS: How´s the whaling going?
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Not the weather
Dear Mr Darcy,
You seem to be able to read between the lines, I didn´t know I am that obvious (should I be disconcerted by that, being a lawyer?).
But I am glad nonetheless because I enjoy our conversations very much. You are too optimistic though, bridging an ocean with words ain´t easy; each of us could stumble on something the other is too embarrassed to adress in return and then discord and uneasiness creeps in before we even notice.
Now I have been too pessimistic; I will try to improve this instant: your pps I read as a reference to Esther. Maybe she could serve as an example for your arguments as well as mine. I could be furious by now that you haven´t mentioned her some e-mails back while you could be anxious not to ask because you don´t want to frighten me off. But you have cleared up this with admirable elegance, I am quite hopeful that we won´t have to write about the weather very often.
Of course, I can write pages and pages about Esther. Raving on about ones children is a common illness, be careful, it has been known to affect uncles as well. If you notice neighbours you meet on your walks with the twins are discreetly yawning while you´re talking about Selma and Joshua, you´ll know you´ve caught it.
I had been wondering whether Esther hadn´t been too young for Moby Dick because she climbed into my guitar case pretending it was a coffin. Then I found out that she´d been watching Dracula at a neighbour´s. Thankfully it was the version with George Hamilton, so she is still sleeping peacefully.
We´re reading Treasure Island at the moment but Esther doesn´t like it as much as Moby Dick even though a child is narrating. So much for pirates.
No, not true.
It is interesting that you mention pirates: When I saw you first by the lake in Lambton I thought you looked like one, with the longish hair and – forgive me – quite ragged shirt.
Ahoy!
Elizabeth Bennet
She is right of course but I am confident that we will bridge the ocean.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Gardening Shirt
Dear Ms Bennet,
It must have been my gardening shirt, well worn but still serving its purpose. But you are not alone of your estimation of the shirt´s suitability to be worn in public – once I caught Mrs Reynolds - she is Pemberley´s housekeeper - trying to cut it into rags!
You have avoided commenting on the universal attraction of pirates; I wonder why?
Otherwise, Aye Aye.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
From: ebennet@gmx.atTo: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Attraction
Dear Mr Darcy,
Before I´ll answer your question I have a proposal to make: will you call me Elizabeth, or Lizzy?
Concerning pirates: Shall I tease you? Shall I write a paper on why women supposedly like pirates, citing a great many romance novels you´ve never heard of as proof?
Or could it be that you´re not interested in the attraction of pirates in general?
I have to dissappoint you a little bit there – my pirate-vision vanished the moment you opened your mouth. Just as well, a pirate´s place is on book covers or, on a rainy afternoon, – black and white tv movie.
I think I know where we´re heading. I´ll plunge into cold water and try to resolve the question without any pirate´s help. Or rather ask it first: What are we doing here?
Yours,
Elizabeth
From: fdarcy@hotmail.comTo: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Question
Dear Elizabeth,
I have to confess that I have called you Lizzy for quite some time in my mind. My name is Fitzwilliam but I´d prefer if you´d drop the William. Never ever call me Fitzibaby, Charles´ sister Caroline used to do that all the time, even in public. I did not mourn the day she got married to a retired Formula-I driver and moved to Monaco.
Enough stalling.
I am aware that I am sounding like a schoolboy and I have to admit that I am about as nervous.
Are we going out together? Do you want to go out with me?
I know it´s not polite to answer a question with yet another one (or two) but still ...
Yours,
Fitz
When I checked my e-mails the next evening there is no answer waiting for me. No answer, for the first time since our correspondence started. I must look quite devastated because Georgiana is beginning to look worried. I explain my plight and my adorable little sister asks „Did you get any mails from Vienna today? Maybe the server is down.“
No, I didn´t get any! So maybe I will be able to get some sleep tonight.
Posted on Wednesday, 10 September 2003
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Yes!Dear Fitz,
I am terribly sorry for keeping you waiting but my server was down. I do hope that you knew that even if I needed time to think it over I would have told you just that.
Yes, I would like to go out with you or whatever the correct term is for non-teenagers nowaday.
I have to confess that we´ve already been found out; it was my own fault. Esther was understandably upset when she found her mother swearing at her computer instead of preparing breakfast. She will turn six soon and there are few things she doesn´t find out if she sets her heart to it.
She was rolling her eyes at the term „friend“ when I explained that I had to send an important e-mail but thankfully was sidetracked by my mention of Australia from following up that line of enquiry.
Esther requests shells and a baby-kangaroo. I will try to talk her out of the latter but the shells are not arguable I am afraid (during many arguments I used to think that Esther inherited some of my negotiating skills but other mums assured me that it is a skill every child this age possesses).I am babbling. Perhaps I should admit that I am quite nervous, very nervous indeed.
Yours,
Elizabeth
She has said yes! I can scarcely comprehend but here it is. Maybe I should print it out, just to make it more tangible.
Now I have to face the challenge of `going out´ with a woman while being an ocean away. I look up the flower shop round the corner from my office and order wild flowers to be delivered to her office (or at least the wildest wildflowers they have). No card, she will know anyway and her colleagues do not need to know yet.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: OverjoyedDear Lizzy,
Shall I compare thee to a summer´s day?
I was disappointed because of not receiving a letter last night but thankfully – besides now going out with a wonderful woman – I am blessed with a clever sister as well who alerted me to a possible server problem.
Shall we go to the cinema tonight? I went through Georgie´s videos and DVDs and realized I haven´t seen any of her films save BJD (you may laugh here, yes, I was the only male in the theatre then and I didn´t get half of the jokes). Costume dramas feature heavily in her collection, the men on the covers wearing funny trousers and sporting enormous sideburns. One wouldn´t suspect seeing my sister´s modern designs. I know I am babbling. I feel quite unable to write a proper love-letter. Were I a bricklayer and not a lawyer I could excuse myself, stating that I am not a man of words.
When I saw you at the lake, seaweed in your hair, eyes flashing dangerously, I didn´t “see“ you properly. I only realized later, during a particularly tiresome meeting at work, how I wished for someone who has that passion, that creativity, that ability to get lost in what she is doing that you showed when playing with Esther on the lake.
Did Herbert tell you of my pathetic attempts to introduce you into our conversations without raising his suspicion? Of course he found me out immediately; he was even making bets on how many minutes I would take. When we met again at court I was already far gone. I never enjoyed losing a case more, you were brilliant! And you didn´t even for a second flaunt you success!
Sweet dreams,
FitzPS: Dare I ask for a picture?
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Love-letterDear Fitz,
I am well pleased with your ability to write love letters, I am still blushing. You may praise my creativity but I fear I am lacking it now. I have to confess that I haven´t written a love letter in nearly ten years. Despite my age – which is 29, by the way – and having a daughter, my experiences are quite limited in that regard.
When I saw you at the lake I liked what I saw, even the gardening shirt. Don´t be disappointed by my not falling madly in love on the spot, liking what I saw is quite an achievement for me because after Esther´s father and I broke up nearly four years ago I haven´t considered any man seriously. I tried hard to make things work out for Esther, and for me professionally.
I thought you a bit rude (all right, more than a bit actually) when you talked, first at the lake and then at Herbert´s place but was prepared to give you the benefit of doubt.
Everyone is entitled to a bad day now and then. Besides that, you couldn´t be really bad if you´re Herbert´s friend.
At the courthouse I was amazed at the good humour with which you´d born losing the case in such a manner. I liked that and I have to admit that I was disappointed when Jane told me her story. For her sake as much as mine.
I couldn´t help but sympathize with her and there you went – from the first man I´ve been interested in in years, to the devil incarnate. Nevertheless, I should have stayed civil when you asked me out, I did strike out to hurt and I am heartily sorry for it.
Even then I couldn´t help but notice that you´d asked for lunch rather than dinner which showed some consideration.
Because I have been asked out to dinner by men who upon my explaining that – being a single mum of a small child – lunch would be better didn´t even try to hide their unwillingness to reschedule for a lunch date which wouldn´t provide open ended and other possibilities.
Will you be pleased when I tell you that I am being teased as well? I do not own a digital camera but we have one at work. I had to ask a colleague to take the picture below which naturally led to some speculations. When my boss heard of it and stormed into the office demanding to know whether I needed the picture for applying for another job I had to tell her that I just wanted it to mail to a friend (upon which I blushed quite tellingly I am afraid).
So far I have been teased (naturally), scolded (by the one secretary who seemed to have intended me for her brother) and lectured on the danger of meeting men on the internet (by my boss).
I hope it´s worth it. Wrong. I know it is and I actually enjoy it. And I smile at every kangaroo I see and I blush whenever I pass the courthouse.
May I kiss you good-night?
LizzyPS: I do not have a video or even a TV, how about reading a book together? I could recommend some full of men with sideburns Georgiana owns for sure.
PPS: Could I have a picture of you as well, one with your eyes open? (You needn´t shave though.)
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Oh myDear Lizzy,
I must have looked quite dazed after your last letter because Georgiana explicitly warned me not to hug her screen. She also – upon finding me perusing her bookcase for sideburn-stuff – recommended somewhat fiercely a novel called “Pride and Prejudice” by Jane Austen, claiming it to be the greatest love story ever written. But that cannot be so, it is only fiction, isn´t it?
Your picture is lovely, I have printed it out several times – one for my bed stand, one for my wallet, one for the kitchen counter and on for the twins nappy bag because we take quite long walks by now.
Selma smiled at me today. Georgie thinks it to be impossible, her books state that babies smile for the first time about 8 weeks, not within 5, but I know what I´ve seen. It may well be that the child couldn´t help but smile back at me as I simply cannot stop. Or maybe she wasn´t smiling but laughing because I sing to them `My bonnie lies over the ocean´.
May I kiss you back? And again? And again?
Fitz
Posted on Monday, 15 September 2003,
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Oh myDear Fitz,
I will accept (and reciprocate) as many kisses as you like to send. Thank you for the flowers, they are very pretty, indeed. All my colleagues are green with envy, a colour which goes nicely with the yellowish walls of our offices.
Did I sidetrack too quickly from our kisses? I am a bit uneasy with that topic I have to confess, and reluctant to let my imagination (and my fingers on the keyboard) run free. We will not see each other for another six weeks, at least. I cannot remember what your hands look like , or your ears, though thinking it over I can perfectly remember the outline of your collarbone. This is embarrassing!
I make it a rule not to edit my mails, not even read them through (you must have noticed this, haven´t you?) but sometimes I find myself cornered. Will you apply your ability to read between the lines again?
I like the picture you sent, you look very relaxed. I relax too whenever I look at it. I have to go to an internet cafe to print it out, my printer isn´t good enough and after the flowers I cannot expect to do a printout at work undetected.
Maybe I will leave my computer on tonight.
Yours,
Lizzy
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: FantasiesDear Lizzy,
I hope that I read between the lines to your satisfaction. Ouch! Well, I try, but Freud is bound to interfere. I have a lot of things to say I´d rather whisper into your ear than write down here.
Georgiana has bought a seamstress´ meter for me, to cut off an inch every day. I was a little bit hurt, because I am enjoying my stay here, every day I discover something new. Would you believe me if I told you that I had a very serious discussion with Joshua yesterday?
While I long to see you, this courtship via mail has its good sides. For me at least. I cannot talk in a sensible manner when you´re near; I think I have proven that. But I think I manage tolerably well when writing. I do not think that I will have calmed down sufficiently when I come back, on the contrary, anticipation will only make it worse. Therefore I hope very much that during the next six weeks I can coax you into growing terribly fond of me, so fond that you will not run off frightened but instead knock me on my head when I´m behaving like an oaf.
As you can see I have adopted your no-editing rule...
Sweet dreams
Fitz
I know it is quite early in our relationship and that she´s quite right in her worrying but still I can´t help wondering and fantasizing about our future. During the day the twins and Georgiana demand a lot of my attention but still every so often I come across something I´d like to share with Elizabeth.
Her next mail however shows me that I´ve gone too fast.
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: FantasiesDear Fitz,
I am not quite sure how to write this. You´re frightening me already. I do not think that I can ever meet your expectations.
You´re painting an unrealistic picture of me in your letters while I am quite fallible, you know. I also possess a hell of a temper, have been known to be quite impatient and stubborn as well.
I already dread the day you witness a fight between Esther and me for the first time.
Please Fitz, do not put me on a pedestal, do not force me to contradict you by listing all my bad traits in every letter, I´d rather write of pleasant things.
Damn that bloody ocean!
Elizabeth
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: SpeedDear Lizzy,
Forgive me. You are right of course. And you were perfectly right earlier when predicting that the distance will cause problems. Maybe I am too idle here. Sometimes I do not know myself at all. I think it is the twins and you and not being at work that made me act and think in ways I haven´t done before, usually I am said to be too stiff and not spontaneous at all.
We will manage, won´t we?
Yours,
Fitz
Elizabeth doesn´t address that topic again but from then on our letters are different. Gone is the easy lover´s banter; we write about the children, about books, about our childhood and youth, but never about Esther´s father or my bad leg.
The only time when the tenor of Lizzy´s letters is as light as it used to be is when she´s writing about Esther.
I am saddened and angry at myself but at the same time cannot help but wondering whether there isn´t more to it. Between the lines I mean to detect an underlying sadness or depression or exhaustion. I try to decide whether I should ask her straight away or whether this inquiry would not add to whatever burden she is struggling with. After all she´d asked me not to put on too much pressure. But I cannot sit by and watch.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Between the lines
Dearest Lizzy,
You once remarked on my ability to read between the lines where you are concerned. I am not so sure about that but for some time now I thought that you sounded, how shall I put it, somehow weary. You have asked me to slow down and I respect that wish, therefore I will not mention this again, if you wish it.
But do know – I am there if you want to talk.
Yours,
Fitz
There is no answer the next day and I dread what is to come. In two weeks time I would have seen her anyway, why couldn´t I have waited?
Just then the phone rings.
„Darcy.“
„Hello. It´s Lizzy.“
„Lizzy! How did you get this number?“
„Herbert got it for me from Mrs Reynolds.“
„Ah, yes, sorry I didn´t mean to sound – „
„Never mind. I called because I thought you would be waiting for a letter.
Mum, we´re late! Come on! – Just a second honey!
sorry, I just wanted to tell you I´ll explain everything tonight, or maybe I´ll manage during lunch break.“
„Lizzy, I never meant to - , are you angry with me?“
„No, of course not, are you?“
„I am worried about you. It´s good to hear your voice.“
„ Mum!
I´ve got to go. Fitz, I really -, ah, sweet dreams, dear.“
„Bye, Lizzy.“
I cannot tell whether that sound shortly before she rang off was an atmospheric crackle but I am inclined to think it was a kiss. That way I am able to sleep.
I turn on the computer even before breakfast. As promised there is a letter waiting.
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Trust
Dearest Fitz,
Things will come out rather jumbled I´m afraid as I have only half an hour until I have to be back at work.
Pleas forgive me for shutting you out. I had a number of reasons for doing so which sounded perfectly reasonable then, but not any longer.
In short I had a lot of trouble – at work, with Esther´s father, with Esther when she started to feel the strain, with myself – what kind of mother lets this happen? etc.
At times I didn´t think I´d ever see land again but now the worst is over.
I got a new colleague six weeks ago, his name is George Wickham. As you might know „Tenant´s Help“ – lawyers have their hands full and so we welcomed the addition. We were surprised though as all previous requests for another lawyer had been rejected due to lack of money.
W. seemed agreeable enough, maybe not the best of lawyers but as the junior member of the team he got only the easy cases anyway.
One day he overheard me talking to another colleague about Lambton – she wondered whether I could recommend a church in the country for her wedding and of course I mentioned Herbert (he might not be pleased with people who choose their church for being picturesque rather than for spiritual reasons).
W. claimed to know it as well, having an aunt there and having spent all his summers there. We talked about Lambton and then he mentioned your lake. It turned out he´s Mrs Reynolds nephew and that you played pirates there as children.
I am inclined to think well of persons who claim an acquaintance with you which is why I didn´t suspect anything until it was nearly too late.
You see, there wasn´t any money for an additional lawyer. If W. was to come one of us had to go and that would have been me because I am the youngest in our team. It turned out that he has friends in high places besides being a member of the right party and that his friends wanted to get him a job with TH.
When all this became clear to my boss she put me in the picture. She said she´d be very sorry to lose me but that her hands were tied. After considering my options I was nearly resigned to my fate. I confronted W. upon which he showed his true face. I will not go into details but it was an ugly fight which ended with me throwing a vase at him. It´s a shame I didn´t hit him.
I knew that I would find another job but hardly one where I ´d be allowed to work part-time and furthermore I couldn´t afford any longer periods of unemployment as Esther and I do not have a lot of savings and Esther´s father doesn’t either, being a musician.
I was reluctant to turn to you – not because I wasn´t sure that you would help me but somehow it felt as if it could spoil things between us if you gave me a job at your firm.
It seems however that I have a guardian angel. A week before all that, I met by chance a lecturer from university when leaving the courthouse together with W. We only said hello and then went our way. I went to this lecturer because after attending some of his courses he´d asked me whether I wouldn´t consider a career teaching at university. When Esther was a little baby that wasn´t an option, but now I wanted to give it a try.
When talking about my situation he asked me whether the man he saw with me the week before was a clerk or a secretary. I told him that W. was a lawyer which he said to be impossible. It turned out that he clearly remembered W. as a student because he´d failed the civil law exam for the fifth and last time in Vienna and had appealed, claiming to have been mistreated by said lecturer during the exam. W’s appeal had been denied and consequently he couldn´t study law in Vienna any longer.
My friend at university offered to check whether he´d acquired a degree from another law school in Austria. After two days of waiting I had my answer – W was an impostor, he doesn’t have a degree. There was a slim possibility of him having acquired a degree somewhere in the European Union but I thought that highly unlikely.
I told my boss everything I knew to her utter relief - no one could force her to take him on without a degree.
W made some late night phone calls to my home after he´d realized who had thwarted his scheme so I got my uncle who is a police officer to pay him an unofficial visit. (W. believed it to be an official one, thankfully he is as bad in criminal law as he is in civil law and I haven´t heard from him since.)
I didn´t tell you of all this because at first, when problems started to get bigger and bigger, your letters were my safe haven, my grip to sanity. I would leave everything ugly behind when writing to you or reading your letters.
This stopped working however and by then I felt that I couldn´t tell you now, what I should have told you from the beginning.
I understand if you´re angry with me and can only hope that it won´t be for too long.
Yours,
Elizabeth
I sit stunned. George Wickham! Again has he interfered in somebody´s life in the most painful manner.
White hot anger rises in me . I had thought I´d come to terms with my feelings concerning that man but am surprised by my fierce desire to beat him to a pulp, for her sake as much as mine. She must have suffered greatly!
I have a feeling that she values her independence above nearly anything, if somebody threatens her ability to support Esther and herself that would shake her to the core.
But then she found her courage again rather quickly, not to be intimidated is my Lizzy. I am relieved, very much so, and I am certainly not angry at her. A bit hurt, yes. She should have turned to me earlier but the important thing is, she has now.
Note: Young men have to do compulsory military duty for eight months in Austria.
Posted on Monday, 22 September 2003,
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Wickham
Dearest Lizzy,
I am not angry with you, no. I am proud of how you handled the situation. I feel I am partly to blame that you didn’t know about his character up front.
You have never asked and I am reluctant to talk about my right leg. The one reason for this is that most of the time I do not think about it and the other - when I think of it I would rather not talk of it. – Although I’ve learned to live with it and accept my situation as it is – it is a handicap.
You wrote once that you’d rather not stress your flaws in our letters, well, I don’t want to either. If we were together in Vienna we’d have talked about it much earlier, I would have told you what I can do and what I cannot and how it affects my life, but via mail I was only rarely reminded of it:
When you wrote of how glad you are that Esther shares your passion for hiking, or when you told me about that ball you attended – giving your enthusiasm I reckoned that you like dancing.
You were perfectly right very early on in predicting that we could easily stumble on something in out letters the other is too embarrassed or whatever to address in return.
I could have told you that I used to like hiking as well but then maybe it would come out the wrong way and you might have felt bad for raising that topic (which of course you must not – feel bad I mean).
Anyway – I had and accident shortly after my 19th birthday and George Wickham was driving. He should have stayed sober which he didn’t although he was not inebriated enough for me to notice, at least not in my state. Because I was pretty far gone – we had celebrated my coming home from the army and my birthday as well – I blamed myself as well for the accident, for not noticing George was unfit to drive.
While having been great friends as boys, we had grown apart already but in this instance I was in high spirits and prepared to overlook a lot for old times sake. But of course I should have known not to rely on him. His behaviour when we met for the first time after the accident (he only had some scratches and a concussion and never visited me in hospital) was disgusting however. Did you notice the scar on his right eyebrow? That was me, I would have beaten him to a pulp could I have reached him but was left only to throw my crutches at him. Wouldn’t it be nice if you’d have hit his left eyebrow?
Lizzy, dearest Lizzy, I will not rush you, but I want to tell you that I hardly ever felt so sure of anything as I am of us. I am very confident that we have it in us to overcome every obstacle – there will be a few of them (I am only adding this to prevent you from accusing me of naivety) and I even look forward to our first fight (just imagine the reconciliation!). Personally I am inclined to think that your admirable streak of independence and my habit of getting exactly what I want will provide us with enough action to get Hollywood interested ...
Are you ticklish below your ear? Because I am kissing you there...
Fitz
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Neither weather nor Wickham
Dearest Fitz,
You were right! I have been too pessimistic. We have proven that already. I have to stop berating myself for not trusting you earlier because I am too busy letting my imagination run wild, two weeks can’t do any harm, do you think? I simply love the way you tackle problems – including me. And I have to agree – we are quite a team. I just didn’t allow myself to acknowledge what I’ve known deep down for quite some time.
Who am I kidding? I’ve reread my first letter, even then the ending is quite flirtatious.
May I propose a topic for our first fight? In light of your much anticipated reconciliation we could quarrel about whether I love you more than you love me.
Lizzy
Oh Lizzy! You don’t do anything by halves, do you? And she has 13 more days to let her imagination run wild. I will have to be careful not to die of a stroke. Georgiana has remarked that I look flushed. She loves me! I had hoped it to be so but not expected to hear it from her anytime soon. This 13 days will be very slow in passing.
I try to divert myself. There are a few things I should accomplish before going back.
Charles has kept me up to date concerning the firm via e-mail but I think I´ll phone him. Should I address the topic Jane Beveridge as well? We’ll see.
Then there’s presents. Charles is easy – as he has just bought a house on Lake Neusidl; he gets a fishing rod (suitable for sharks).
Mrs Reynolds gets a photo album from Georgiana full of pictures of Joshua and Selma (I just hope my little sister prepares one for me as well) and a scarf from me.
I have already collected masses of shells for Esther and bought a plush kangaroo and a beautifully illustrated version of „Moby Dick“.
Herbert is tricky but then I remember that he plays in a band – he gets a didgeridoo.
For Lizzy I can only think of a wedding band but even in my besotted state I realize that nowadays one usually waits until after the first kiss when proposing marriage. But I manage find a necklace with matching earrings made of white gold with opals in an unique design, just the thing for her.
Charles is glad to hear my voice and has a lot to tell. After nearly an hour he wants to know what has happened to me. I can hear him blanche over the phone when I tell him that I fell in love.
„Don’t you dare telling me you’re staying over there!“
„No, no, as she lives in Vienna I am actually quite anxious to come home.“
„Thank heavens. We managed without you but I will be glad when you’re back. Do I know her?“
„Maybe, she is a good friend of Jane.“
„Oh, Jane. – I have been thinking of her quite a lot lately. I am not sure whether I didn’t make a terrible mistake then. I thought I didn’t want any serious commitment but since Jane I haven’t enjoyed myself very much. – Ah, and Fitz, there’s something I should probably tell you. You asked but I didn’t -, I am quite sure that Jane misunderstood something you said when we broke up and I was too much of a coward to correct her, I am sorry.“
I assure him that I am not offended. I know that this is as much as I will ever hear from Charles about it. He has to suffer the consequences of his behaviour already, there’s no need to rub salt into his wounds. I´d rather wish that all my friends were as happy as I am but there’s only as much I can do. Maybe when I’m home Lizzy and I can come up with a plan for the two of them. Ah, Lizzy.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: First Fight
Dearest, loveliest Lizzy,
I will gladly accept anything you have to say on the subject. Yes, I do love you, more than I ever thought possible. Will you forgive me that I cannot find it in my power at the moment to fight with you? I take your last letter as a cue that I am allowed to admire you unabashedly – I do so anyway - and tell you about it. Georgie says it is unfair – if her back isn’t aching from carrying the twins around it’s her belly because of laughing so much about me singing along the most kitschy of love songs on the radio and doodling hearts and Es entwined with Fs everywhere.
Oh Lizzy!
Fitz
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Entwined
Dearest Fitz,
I have come up with another way of addressing you but that will have to wait until I can see your reaction with my own eyes because it is universally known that the wrong pet name can drive away affection as fast as a bad sonnet. Not that I think you’d ever write one. (Of course I think you capable of writing a sonnet, just not a bad one.)
Will you send me some of your designs?
I will gladly embroider them on a handkerchief (or two, one for each of us). You do such things to me. Today I passed a travel agency on my way to work which had a last minute flight to Sydney advertised. I kept muttering „Twelve days“ to myself but couldn’t stop myself from enquiring after the date of the flight. (It is two days before you’re due home, so I didn’t take it). Entwined. Mmm. That makes me think. Will you hold me please?
Lizzy
I had checked my e-mails some hours earlier and as usual saved Lizzy´s for last. As I have been expecting something from Charles I do another check before I turn the computer off. There’s another communication from Lizzy.
From: Ebennet@tenantshelp.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Bittersweet news
Note: „Gaudy Night“ is by Dorothy L. Sayers. After Lord Peter Wimsey proposed to Harriet Vane more than once during the cause of some books in this one she finally says „yes“– both being scholars this was conducted in Latin of course: Lord Peter asked „Placet, magistra?“
Posted on Thursday, 25 September 2003
From: Ebennet@tenantshelp.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Bittersweet news
Dearest Fitz,
Since writing my last mail something has occurred. Do not worry, Esther and I are fine, in fact, a few weeks ago my news would have had me jumping up and down with joy.
I am writing a thesis on international law. Writing is dragging on; there were times when I considered stopping altogether. I do not need the Dr., after all. But I like my thesis and its topic.
My biggest obstacle has always been the open hours of the law school library. Last year I was able to get on with my work mainly due to Esther's father having a part-time teaching job and therefore being able to fill in in the evenings more often. Still, it is tiresome. I always felt that if I could ever spend some weeks in a well equipped library I would be able to do a lot towards finishing my thesis.
Therefore, for the last three years I applied for various research grants. Today I had a letter: I have been accepted! And to Oxford! I could spend the whole of July there. It seems that finally my supervisor has seen me fit for a recommendation.
Ever since I read „Gaudy Night“ I have been dreaming of going to Oxford. I am aware that a lot has changed since Harriet and Peter’s days but still, the library is there!
Upon reading the letter I felt sick; this couldn’t have happened at a worse time. Dearest, I am at loss at what to do. Or rather, I know what I should do – accepting the grant.
And I will accept it.
Yours,
Lizzy
That’s a heavy blow. Five more weeks instead of a mere ten days. But of course she has to go to Oxford. She would hate herself for not grabbing such a chance, if not now then in a few years.
I read „Gaudy Night“ decades ago and read it again here, as Georgie owns a copy, of course.
It is midnight here, that’s 10 am in Vienna. Perfect. I phone up the record shop where I usually buy my CDs and ask the owner for a favour – to send over a CD of Bach's concerto for two violins to Lizzy's office.
I try not to think about how Lord Peter proposed to Harriet (again) after they’d been attending a concert where that concerto was played. Lizzy will no doubt understand my meaning – there is no 1st or 2nd violin, they are independent and yet most beautifully – entwined.
From: fdarcy@hotmail.com
To: ebennet@gmx.at
Subject: Go, magistra, go!
Dearest Lizzy,
Of course you have to go to Oxford!
I will miss you, but at least we are in the same time-zone. In fact your grant resolves a problem I had on the back of my mind for quite a while:
I am slowly getting into work mode again and realize that, although I left the firm in capable hands, there will be quite a load of work waiting for me. I didn‘t know how to manage and still be able to spend time with you – a lot of time.
As it is now I will be down to normal work hours by the time you return from England. During the last weekend of July there is a conference in Alpbach I will be attending.
Where will Esther be during your stay?
Dearest, I am very proud of you and am looking forward to reading your thesis (though maybe not immediately after we see each other again).
I think I'll venture a little bit further down from behind your ear ...
Fitz
From: ebennet@gmx.at
To: fdarcy@hotmail.com
Subject: Polyphonia
Dearest,
You are truly the best of men; words fail me.
I had clients with me when your parcel was delivered. They were quite shocked when I started to cry upon seeing what it was.
I had thought about your work as well – I think we are again blessed by Fortuna or guardian angels or whatever (by two other deities as well, I think you are able to guess which ones).
Esther will be with her father most of the time and with my father. In fact, this grant has resolved some tensions between Hugh and me, as well. I told you earlier that we had a problem. He takes his responsibilities as her father very seriously and I think –or hope – that between the two of us Esther doesn‘t lack a lot.
We were high school sweethearts, then moved to Vienna together to study. Busy and pretending to be grown up it took us a while to figure out that during the time we’d really grown up as individuals we also had grown apart as a couple.
By then I was pregnant and we both tried hard to make it work. It looked like it was working for a while. After all, we could not look in awe at Esther without believing that if we‘d managed to have such a wonderful child together we would also manage to repair our relationship.
We didn‘t manage and so we broke up when we finally realized that the only thing left was hurting each other.
Luckily just then a flat on the floor above was becoming vacant and Hugh moved up there. Esther usually spent her days until early afternoon with him and the rest with me. We had keys of each other‘s flats and were doing just fine. From the moment he moved out we got on better with each other.
Two years ago Hugh found a new partner, Ally. Last year she moved in with him and they are expecting their first baby in October. What I didn‘t know was that Ally wants to move to a bigger flat but Hugh is very reluctant because of Esther. He knows for a fact that he will have less time for her when the baby is born and he doesn‘t want to complicate things further by moving. I was too preoccupied with the Wickham affair to take notice. When Esther in all innocence told Hugh of my „boyfriend“, he feared that I too was letting her down (quite irrational, I know ...) We had the worst row since our breakup, also because I wanted to go on vacation with Esther in June and then be able to spend time with you in July. Hugh had the same plan (minus spending time with you obviously) because he tours in August.
Now everything is resolved amicably, we‘ve agreed on not projecting our own fears on the other and that Hugh and Ally will look for a bigger flat nearby. If this turns out to be impossible Esther and I have agreed to move as well.
Are you quite frightened already? Going out with a single mum and getting the ex, his new lover plus baby in the bargain?
I have no idea of how this will work but I am absolutely positive that it will work.
Esther asks questions about you from time to time, like whether you have any pets. Since I confessed that I‘ve no idea she doesn‘t take our relationship seriously anymore. Do you have a boat at the lake? That would redeem you in her eyes.
You are quite daring in your good night kisses, I cannot read it without a tingle down my spine and when I think of how you looked at the lake I go all warm. I want to nibble at your collarbone, I want to smell the sun on your skin, I want to rid you of your gardening shirt ...
Lizzy
Note: „As the crow flies“ is by Tony Joe White actually but it is the Rory Gallagher version I had in mind.
Posted on Sunday, 28 September 2003,
Georgie did have a photo album for me but still I cried until the plane was near Sumatra.
Back in Vienna I delved into work, working odd hours at first until I’d readjusted. Charles is more relieved to have me back than I’d anticipated. Decisions are to be made and cases to be followed up and to top this I have to prepare a lecture for the conference in Alpbach.
It’s good to hear Lizzy’s voice on the phone, to hear her chuckle and laugh (and snort sometimes). She is enjoying Oxford and enjoying writing her thesis and reports much progress. In the middle of July I ponder the question whether I should surprise her on the weekend, Oxford isn’t that far away. But then Elizabeth tells me she’s attending a local blues festival.
Only when I get a tape a week later I realize that she wasn’t simply attending the festival. The tape’s from a session and I get goose pimples all over when I hear her voice form the speaker, dedicating the next song to a friend far away . It is Rory Gallagher´s „As the crow flies“, a blues song I’ve never heard before. From the sound of it, the recording was made quite late in the evening; the crowd first spellbound and then calling out for more. Lizzy starts on her own, a harp and a second guitar joining in later. Her voice would not be remarkable at all if not for the vibrancy, the sheer joy of life, the anticipation it is carrying.
As the crow flies, baby,
well I ain’t so far from you
But since I don’t have wings
I can’t get home as fast as I want to.
Did you dream last night?
Well, I heard you call my name.
Well, I took it as an omen
And I jumped on the very first freight train.
Well, you don’t know, baby
How I miss your sweet caress.
When I’m in your loving arms
I swear I’m at my very best.
As the crow flies, baby,
That’s how I’m on my way.
If I don´t stop running
I can get home ´fore the break of day.
Then I know that I should have taken that plane.
Ten more days!
Lizzy will be flying in from London on a Thursday - the very day I have to leave for the conference.
It has been a very hot June and July here, always over 30 degrees Celsius, often over 35 as well. They weather forecast predicts heavy rain and thunderstorms but so far it’s still hot; no cloud in sight.
Elizabeth’s voice is trembling that evening on the phone – she’s already calling from Vienna - and I do not fare better. Only two more days. The conference will end Sunday at noon and we agree on having an early dinner that day as Esther is there too.
Lizzy hasn’t seen her daughter for four weeks and is clearly thrilled by their reunion – and by finding Esther grown, tanned and full of wonderful news: there’s a litter of kittens at her grandfather’s house, she has finally managed to climb a tree she’d tried to conquer for years and she is able to swim without her airwings.
My lecture is going well on Friday and the ensuing discussion is very interesting. Late in the afternoon a thunderstorm breaks loose, accompanied by heavy rain. The rain doesn’t cease and the following morning rumours spread during breakfast that there’s been a landslide.
I feel nauseous instantly, I don´t want to be trapped up here in the mountains, away from Lizzy.
There has been a landslide but it didn’t block the road. It damaged drains however and the centre where the conference is held is some inches under water.
I know I should wait, maybe the conference can be transferred to one of the hotel’s reception rooms but I don’t want to. It is still raining heavily, I am not going to wait for another landslide. Therefore I settle my bill, say goodbye to a few colleagues and am on my way.
After half an hour on the motorway I have left the rain behind, the east of Austria is still sweltering under the heat.
Back at home I try Lizzy’s flat. No one’s there and I leave a message. Her mobile’s not on. I try to fathom where they could be. Going for a swim would be the obvious guess but where?
I rack my brain: Esther´s skin reacts to the chlorine in public baths so they will be somewhere on the Danube. Taking the Danube island into estimation as well that leaves me with 60 kilometres of banks.
Then I remember Lizzy telling me of a place on the Old Danube, a sidearm, where they go skating in winter. As I cannot possibly search every bank I decide to try my luck there. After packing my swim trunks and a book I head out to Floridsdorf.
It is only a short walk form the tramway 26 to the bank of the sidearm. Lots and lots of people are there – families, youths, pensioners. My heart sinks. I walk south, always scanning the bank and the water for a familiar face. At the small marina I turn round and walk back. It’s already past four and here and there people are already leaving.
They might not be here after all. As there’s only a short stretch of bank left before the little private beach huts I decide to go down. The bank is quite steep but I find steps down towards the inviting green water (mind you, the Danube is rarely ever blue). Aiming for an elderflower bush which would provide some shadow I stop dead in my tracks.
There they are!
Esther’s having an ice cream, watching a family of ducks, and Lizzy is lying on her stomach, head on her arms with her eyes closed and a slow, content smile playing on her lips.
Carefully I make my way towards them when Esther spots me.
„Mama?“
Lizzy turns to face her daughter who points a finger at me. My love stares at me in disbelieve for some moments, then a dazzling smile spreads over her face and she’s on her feet in no time.
She may have been reluctant in expressing her feelings via e-mails but now her demeanour shows no restraint.
With „Oh Fitz!“ She throws her arms around me and holds me tight, hiding her face in my chest. I can feel her trembling.
When she raises her head, tears still shining in her eyes, I lean down to kiss her. I rather feel than hear a small sigh escaping her lips before I’m lost to everything else.
I do not know how long we remain there. If you’ve already got one week knee then kissing Lizzy Bennet does nothing for your ability to stand firm. When I get the feeling that we’re in danger of tumbling right into the elder I break our kiss and feel instantly bereaved.
Lizzy seems to feel the same because she doesn’t let go of my hand as she leads me to their blanket.
Esther´s a bit shy at first but as I am a person who has seen kangaroos with his very own eyes she soon opens up.
I join Lizzy and her daughter in the water, Esther swimming proudly between us and Lizzy and me exchanging smiles over her head. At six o´clock we pack our things and go to „Birner“, a garden restaurant overlooking the Old Danube: Esther´s trying to feed potato salad to the sparrows and we are sitting side by side, Lizzy´s head on my shoulder.
When dark clouds predict that the rain front will hit Vienna soon Lizzy simply asks
„Will you come home with us?“
I only nod. I couldn’t go home to my empty flat now. It is as if I need to touch Lizzy all the time, otherwise we would be separated again.
We get drenched in the rain just before we reach the flat. It is near the Augarten and for a while we watch with fascination the enfolding thunderstorm. After getting Esther into dry clothes Elizabeth hands me a T-shirt and rather short sweat pants with an apologetic smile. I have brought some of the shells I got in Australia for Esther with me and she is delighted.
While Lizzy is reading Esther her bedtime story I look at her flat for the first time. It has two rooms and a small kitchen, Lizzy´s bedroom doubling as a living room. I feel stupid staring at the screen which supposedly hides her bed. I have made love to her numerous times in my mind but now I’m decidedly nervous.
Lizzy tiptoes out of Esther´s room, closing the door firmly behind her.
She looks at me and there’s that slow smile again and I know that I needn’t fear anything.
Lizzy and I got married the following December, of course in Lambton at Herbert´s church. He did more teasing in his sermon than I thought appropriate and so did Charles in his speech as best man but with Lizzy laughing and squeezing my hand it didn’t bother me in the least.
The honeymoon we spent in Sidney, as the twins were really too small for such a journey for the sake of a wedding.
Esther and Lizzy moved in with me and I found a flat for Hugh and his family only a few houses down the street.
Weekends we usually spend at Pemberley, Esther being spoilt to no ends by Mrs. Reynolds. At the lake I built a tree fort together with Lizzy and Esther.
Charles has told Jane everything which was good because we wouldn’t have wanted best man and maid of honour fighting at our wedding. Jane hasn’t quite forgiven him yet but Lizzy´s optimistic that she will.
Today I sit by the lake and watch Lizzy and Esther acting out „ Moby Dick“ again. My lovely wife calls out to me
„I’m quite convincing as a whale by now, am I not?“
We´re expecting our first child soon but that thought had never entered my mind.