Posted on Saturday, 19 October 2002, at 8:52 p.m.

"Must you always sleep so much, my dear? It is not very healthy for you, I am sure."

"My dear, it is a truth universally acknowledged that sleep is essential for a man's well being. If I do not receive the proper amount of sleep, how shall I ever behave properly at your assemblies and balls and what not?"

"My dear, might I remind you that you are usually asleep at my assemblies and balls and what not?"

No answer emanated from the gentleman except loud, resonating snores. Louisa Hurst glared at her husband's sleeping form, and wondered what compelled her to marry such a poor excuse of a man. Her features softened as she remembered a time when Philip Hurst was an attractive, dashing young man, who swept her off her feet (figuratively, of course - to do so literally would be quite improper) at a debutante ball many years ago. What had changed between them? He had, in the short interim of their marriage, become a completely different person. He was often closer to a decanter than he was to her, and snoring peacefully at the dinner table. When he was awake, he was "off for a bit of sport", which usually lasted the whole day. She found that a whole day would pass, in which they spent but a few minutes in each other's company.

She was not content at all with this situation, as some other women might have been, for it left her with her sister Caroline as a companion. The two sisters were too much alike in temperament to get along well with each other for more than a few hours, and now that Miss Eliza Bennet was engaged to the Mr. Darcy that Caroline had been trying to ensnare for nearly five years, she had become even worse. Caroline would spend her entire day ranting to Louisa about how Darcy was entirely decieved by that "Bennet hussy", and how she, Caroline Bingley, would change all that on their arrival at Netherfield. Several times during the carriage ride before this point had Caroline made such remarks, and several times during the carriage ride before this point did Louisa feel an urge to tell her younger sister where to go and how to get there.

She restrained her impulses, however, and tried to wake her husband. There was a time when Philip made for excellent conversation. Now, however, his vocabulary was limited to "D**n tedious waste of an evening/morning/afternoon." Louisa longed for the better days of her marriage, where she loved, and felt loved in return.

"Louisa, have you heard a single word I've said?" screeched Caroline, waking her sister from her reverie. "I've said that I cannot bear to go to Netherfield and see that Bennet hussy on Darcy's arm. She had trapped him, artful girl, to spite me. Well, he shall tire of her soon enough. He had better have proposed to me, and made her his mistress. It is I who is suited for Mistress of Pemberley, you know. Why, she should not know the first thing about managing a household as large as Pemberley!"

"And what makes you think you should!" retorted Louisa.
"You never did an inch of true work in your life, save chasing after men who did everything but tell you to your face that they would not have you! At Netherfield, it has been I who has done all the work. I managed the accounts, I handled the servants,I, I, I!!! I am a married woman, Caroline, I should be looking after my own family, not taking care of you! And I'm sick and tired of listening to your endless diatribes! Miss Elizabeth is a nice young girl. Darcy could do no better than her, nor Charles with Jane. Out of the entire Bennet family they have the best characters, and it is women like them who will make the ton a better institution than it is! I am happy for them both, and I wish you would just shut up!"

Caroline was dumbstruck. "What did you just say?"

Louisa took a deep breath to calm herself down, and said levelly, "I. Said. Shut. Up. When we make the stop at Bromley, you will join Jane and Miss Elizabeth in Charles' carriage. You will not say anything to them, if you insist on continuing in your childlike behavior. You will continue to behave in a proper manner while we are at Netherfield, and you will endure Mrs. Bennet with a great deal of civility. Before the wedding, you must find a friend willing to take you in, for you shall not be joining Philip and myself in Scarborough. I have had enough of you, and if you speak again before we reach Bromley, you will be in charge of securing your own transportation to Netherfield, for this carriage will take you no further if you open your mouth."

Caroline did not know what to make of this. Revolt, from her own sister? Did she not see what Eliza Bennet was doing to this family? She was ruining everything!! And Philip?? When was the last time Louisa called her husband by his Christian name?? Had the whole world gone mad?? She spent the rest of her trip fuming silently at everyone and everything.

No sooner did the carriage stop at Bromley than Caroline whisked out and entered Charles' carriage. Without waiting for the rest of the party, Louisa signaled to the driver to continue on to Netherfield. After a good few minutes on the road, Louisa closed her eyes and sighed in relief.

"You were wonderful back there." said a male voice softly.
Louisa opened her eyes and turned. There was Philip, at her side and smiling at her.

"I thought you were asleep." was all she could say.

"No, your lovely shrill voice woke up. I'm glad you got rid of her. She always reminded me of an upside-down carrot, with the leaves taken off."

"Philip!!" Louisa cried, with a hint of a smile appearing. "That is not at all . . . nice!"

Philip laughed at her shocked expression. "Nice? Who cares about nice? And who are you, madam, to speak about nice after the way you spoke to your vegetable of a sister in such a manner? You almost turned her into a tomato, you know - her face was so very red."

The thought of Caroline's head as a tomato was too ridiculous, and Louisa burst out laughing. It was not the high, shrill, annoying laugh of before, but her natural laugh, the one that Philip had fallen in love with in the first place.

"I love it when you laugh, Ouisie." he said softly.

Louisa blushed at the use of her pet name, which she hadn't heard in years. As Philip moved closer to kiss her, she whispered,

"And I love it when you are awake."

The End