Posted on Wednesday, 2 October 2002
Hunsford Parsonage, The Infamous Proposal
Darcy fell prostrate before Elizabeth and expressing as much emotion as a rotting log, begged, "Elizabeth, will you marry me? I love you more than all things in heaven and earth."
"Indeed!" She questioned calmly, not believing one word. She did not venture to say anything more, and merely examined her nails. Frowning, Elizabeth realized she was past due for a manicure.
Realizing no other answer was forthcoming, Darcy stood quickly and demanded, "Are you listening to me?!"
"Indeed, I am, sir." Elizabeth reassured and continued to stare at him in a most peculiar fashion.
Forgoing all pretense of propriety, he glared at her most heatedly and yelled, "I love you dammit!"
"Indeed?!" She exclaimed, surprised, but still refused to comment further.
Tearing at his hair, Darcy ranted, "And that's all you can say?"
Shaking her head sadly, all she replied was, "Indeed," and turned away from him.
Not one to take rejection easily, and now offended by her lack of swooning and tears, Darcy glared regally, and stated, "And I am such a man to deserve this? Even after a month in which my whole personality was mysteriously changed beyond recognition so I am no longer a jerk?"
"Indeed!" Elizabeth agreed, excessively put out by Darcy's behavior.
Everyone who had been peering in through the window, watching with bated breath chimed in, "INDEED!"
Darcy walked over and slammed the window shut. Shouts of dismay were heard, then the thunderous noise of everyone entering the parsonage. Darcy opened the door to find everyone with their ear pressed against the walls and door. Slamming the door shut, and determined to finish his proposal, he turned back to his beloved Elizabeth who was now calmly sewing.
Snatching away the offending material, Darcy insisted, "Will you just let me propose already?"
"Indeed." Elizabeth gestured, and calmly watched as he paced the room, brooding and glaring. But it shan't affect our heroine!
"I have done this twice already!" Darcy yelled as he spun to face her.
"Indeed?" She looked quite surprised at his proclamation. "Who would have thought, indeed?"
"ARGH!?" Darcy shrieked, digging his hands into his hair.
Ambrose Roderick Gustof Humphrey poked his head through the door. "You called for me?"
"Who are you?" demanded Darcy.
Standing majestically, and puffing his chest out like a rooster, he arched an eyebrow. With such an air of regality to even put Lady Catherine to shame, he replied imperially, "I am His Grace, The Duke of Earl, Ambrose Roderick Gustof Humphrey." Spotting a lovely lady in the room, he bowed and said, "At your service, my lady."
Elizabeth blushed becomingly. Darcy glared. "HEY! She's mine! Get your own hoe." He slammed the door in Ambrose's face.
Turning back to his love, he put his hands on hips and demanded, "Are you going to marry me or not?"
"Indeed, not sir! For I have never desired you...in any way."
The door swung open violently and crashed into the wall, sending a portrait crashing to the ground. "INDEED!" Sqwuacked Lady Catherine DeBourgh, as did her hat. "ARE THE STOOPS OF PEMBERLEY TO BE THUS POLLUTED!?!"
"Indeed they are madam!" Mr. Bennet answered without looking up from his ledgers. Honestly, with all the noise, it's a wonder he could get any work done around here!
Never far behind his beloved Patroness, Reverend William Collins entered, and with an exaggerated solemnity, he began sermonizing, "Indeed, my Lady," he began, "for who could..."
"Yes, yes, Indeed!" Lady Catherine tapped her cane on the floor. "Well, Darcy? Are we to be polluted?"
Darcy shook his head, covered his face, and bawled.
"INSOLENT! HEADSTRONG GIRL!" Lady Catherine pointed her cane at Elizabeth. "Have you no feeling? Look at the poor man blubbering like a wounded calf! Put him out of his misery already!"
"I shan't, indeed!" Elizabeth declared and twitched her gowns to portray her aggravation.
Turning to the mortally wounded man, Slug Collins said gravely, "Indeed Sir, as a clergyman, I feel..."
"Indeed he does not, sir!" Mrs. Bennet gasped, affronted and quickly fainted thereafter.
Charlotte Collins entered the room, and taking in the situation, grabbed her husband by the ear and led him out of the room, scolding him quite fiercely. "INDEED!"
A few minutes later screams of terror were heard throughout the house, but nobody was brave enough to enquire. Suddenly Ned Flanders entered the scene, calling cheerfully, "Indeedly doodly!"
"What about Dudley?" Lady Catherine demanded. "I must have my share of conversation, indeed, I must!"
Uncle Vernon glared over the top of his newspaper, and exclaimed, "INDEED!" Folding up his paper, he quickly departed from these lunatics. Ned was fast on his heels to escape the insane occupants of the room. Sniffling in the corner, Darcy stated, "This has indeed led to the most grievous wrongs."
A loud snort issued from the sofa across the room. Sitting up, his face flushed and eyes glazed, Mr. Hurst shrieked, "AYE TRUE INDEED, damn tedious waste of an evening, indeed!"
Sniffing disdainfully, Lady Catherine left the room, screeching "Indeed," as she slammed the door.
"Indeed!" countered everyone to her in chorus as she left.
Little Bo Bingley ushered his lost lamb into the room. He said simply, "Aye, indeed. Tis a sad day, this, indeed."
The sheep just bah-ed, indeed, he did.
Kneeling in front of the week lamb, Elizabeth replied seriously, "Indeed, I cannot doubt thee, sir." And she proceeded to bawl on his woolly shoulder.
Mmm, lamb chops, indeed!
"Indeed?!" exclaimed Lydia, tramping *snort* into the room, and fell swooning onto the sofa. "I long for a ball, indeed I do!"
"Indeed," sighed Mr. Bennet and exited the room.
"What deeds are these?" Wickham shrieked girlishly. "Indeed, it was not I, Sir!" He hastily fled from a glaring Darcy.
"I think it was indeed!" Elizabeth exclaimed, affronted, and stomped from the room.
Bingley, meanwhile was searching through the crowd of people for his lamb once again. Out of the corner of his eye, Bingley caught sight of him, and stared mortified. It had relieved itself on the rug. Glancing around quickly to make sure nobody noticed, Bingley grabbed the lamb and left in haste.
Suddenly, Darcy quits crying and sniffs at the air. "I say, do you smell that?"
"Indeed I do!" Mr. Hurst slurred. Grabbing his glass, he finished the remainder of his port, and promptly passed out.
"Indeed." The onlookers reply soberly, for indeed they were sober, unlike a certain gentleman. They all glared at Hurst and left in a huff.
"A man of fashion indeed! Pah!" Lydia snorted and chased after redcoats.
Blinking, Darcy glanced around the now empty room, except for the still unconscious form of Mrs. Bennet. Wiping the tears from his eyes, he stood, and declared. "I shall win Elizabeth! Indeed, I shall!" And he too stormed from the room.
"Buckaw?" Lady Catherine's chicken squawked in confusion before all fades to black.