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Part 22: Every Time I Close My Eyes

Posted on Sunday, 28 April 2002

Colin

"Hey kiddo! How'd it go?" I caught up with Annie as she left the managers' office.

"Pretty well, I guess. Julie and George were really nice and said they were glad I'm back and everything. I gave Lou my availability and he's putting me on the schedule starting next week. Then the week after I'll start back at the service desk."

"Of course they're glad to have you back. What have I been telling you -- Hey look!" Upon seeing a familiar figure, I steered my cousin towards the right. "You remember Jack Willard, don't you? You won't believe it, but now he works here!"

There was a silence. I looked down at Annie. "Oh," she said finally.

I chuckled. "Ah, so you forgot."

"No..."

Jack waved me off from the distance as he stepped behind a register to cover for a cashier who needed to use the restroom.

"He was my college roommate, remember?"

"I remember Jack," said Annie quickly.

"Okay," I shrugged. "You just looked a little hesitant."

"No." She cleared her throat and asked less abruptly, "What's he doing here?"

"Well, you know he thought he might go into teaching. He substituted for awhile then really lucked out two years ago -- a physics teacher in Mendon went on maternity leave, so he got a long term job."

"But I take it he changed his mind?"

"Well ... yes and no. Jack did like the teaching; he's great with high school kids, which obviously helps here too. But you know how teachers in this state have to get their Masters within a certain number of years after they start teaching? Well, Jack decided to get a jump on that while he was subbing, and rediscovered a joy for the more hardcore aspects of physics. He's going for an engineering degree now. If you catch him in a particularly ebullient mood, you might hear him say he wants to design rollercoasters."

"Hey, hey, what was that, Mr. Fancies-himself-Milton-Freedman?" drawled a deep voice behind us. "Were you making fun of me?" We turned, and Jack raised a questioning eyebrow at me, and gave a sideways glance towards Annie.

"Jack, you remember my cousin, don't you? Annie Wesley, also Lindsey and Will's cousin on her mother's side."

Jack's face cleared and he stuck out his hand. His smile beamed full megawatt charm, and Annie flushed and looked down after a handshake.

"Eh, sure I do. You were pretty much the only quiet one of everyone I met related to Colin. Tough not to remember that, you know."

Jack and I had gone to college in Pittsburgh, and as the drive to western New York was considerably shorter than that to his home state of Michigan, he had frequently come home with me during school breaks. "Hey, we Wesleys are friendly people," I retorted defensively. "Charming, hospitable, and excellent conversationalists."

Jack ignored me and continued his train of thought. "Come to think of it though, Lindsey used to be like that too. Not that she isn't still somewhat reserved, but much more so then. Shy... especially during her junior year, I think. Or maybe starting the summer before, if I remember correctly...?"

"Lindsey isn't related to me," I said shortly. Jack was right about that year, and I didn't want him to start speculating. What happened is too personal, too private, too painful, and I was sure as hell not going to let him stumble blindly into rehashing something that would only hurt her again. "She's always been reserved, as you said; still is. No need to splatter about everything she thinks and feels for all the world to see."

Jack raised his eyebrows. "Sure, I was only saying ... Well, anyhow, Annie, are you up for a visit? Last I heard you were at Columbia, correct?"

My cousin was too startled to reply until I nudged her. "What? Oh, well ... I had a small change of plans. Law school just isn't for me, I'm afraid. Nor is a city like New York. Mother could kill me, but that's just the way it is..."

"Annie's interests are actually along the same lines as yours, Jack," I added. "And she's damned good at them too, might I add."

"Really?" Jack inquired. Annie blushed and looked down.

"Yes ... I'm really more of a science person. I'm going to take a year or so to just work, but then I'm planning on going back to school ... geophysics this time. As I said, just a small change of plans. I really like Geneseo ... Really liked it way back when I was a senior in high school, actually..." she trailed off.

"Why didn't you go?" Jack asked.

"Mom had other ideas. It was the safest of my safety schools and not good enough for her apparently..." Annie looked intensely embarrassed, and Jack knew better than to press the issue.

"Well, that sounds great. I'm always happy to hear about another person dedicating her life to the pursuit of physics."

Annie smiled, shaking her hair back over her shoulders as she looked up at him. "Well... I do have other pursuits..." she said demurely.

Jack chuckled. "I would certainly hope so," he leaned back and crossed his arms, grinning, "but 'friction is fun' too..."

Eh. Interesting. Nice that Annie's going to have at least one friendly face that she can count on, but if you'll excuse me for asking -- what the devil is going on here?

Annie was staring into Jack's very blue eyes, utterly transfixed.

Oh. Right ... A volley of curse words spewed into my consciousness. I'd forgotten about that.

"Hey what up?" I looked up, met familiar hazel eyes, and was assaulted by another onslaught of mental profanity.

"Hey, Lindz..." I said weakly.

"So, did your meeting go well, Annie?" Lindsey asked, in between Jack trying to kiss her.

With a composure that impressed me, Annie took a slow breath and forced her lips to form the right words. "I ... ah ... Yes. Very well, thank you. I -- I'll be right back, Lindsey. I have to get my coat from the office." With a fleeting reproachful look at me, Annie slipped away.

"I'll ... leave you two alone for a minute," I said awkwardly.

"Have you completely flipped, Colin?" Jack called. "We're in the middle of a grocery store!" But I was already halfway to the office.

Annie was leaning against the wall of the computer room. She didn't say anything when I walked in.

"Look, I'm sorry. I forgot..."

Annie straightened up and put on her coat. "Sorry for what, Colin? You've been great."

"The whole thing with --"

"No, really, I mean great," she went on hurriedly. "Lindsey and Will too, you've all been so nice to me and helpful ever since I came back. I really appreciate it, I hope you know." She paused to button up her coat. "And Lindsey..." she murmured, "she's really been fantastic... with everything."

"Annie..."

She cleared her throat and looked up at me. "So, let's go, hmm?"

"They haven't been going out for very long," I ventured hesitantly as we made our way back to Jack and Lindsey.

"Mmm ... who, Colin?" my cousin asked nonchalantly.

"Jack and Lindsey."

"Oh. Well, I hope it works out for them. But it probably will, won't it Colin?" She couldn't disguise the wistfulness in her voice this time.

"I wouldn't necessarily say that," I replied. I was spared from elaborating as we had rejoined the other two.

"So Colin, Jack told me Lizzy stopped by a little while ago." Lindsey remarked.

"Yep ... she seemed a little flustered," I understated. "And your brother?"

"Same."

"I hope things work out for them tonight."

"As do I." Lindsey looked up and met my eyes and slowly smiled.

"Ehh ... six-thirty -- I'm outta here!" Jack said, heading for the office. "I'll be right back, Lindsey," he called over his shoulder.

Lindsey began conversing with Annie about her meeting and plans to resume working. If she noticed Annie's answers were rather more stilted than usual, she gave no indication. I stayed out of the conversation and silently sympathized with Annie.

I should have remembered, really. When I had brought Jack home with me in college, Annie had developed a crush of massive proportion. However, in typical Annie -- hell, make it Fitzdarcy -- fashion, she had kept it to herself. Only I knew, and that from a moment of confessional weakness my reserved cousin had succumbed to. I had completely forgotten. It had been nearly a year since Annie last saw Jack, but evidently she still had it bad.

I watched the two petite women by my side. They could be taken for sisters. Annie's hair was straight and dark auburn, while Lindsey's curls were coppery gold. Lindsey's eyes swirled with green, gray, and gold; like Will's, Annie's hazel eyes were much darker and more brown. But both had the same heart shaped face, delicate features, smattering of freckles on fair skin, rosy cheeks which often flushed darker, the stubborn, slightly pointed chin. They even dressed similarly; I nearly laughed when I looked down and saw they were wearing the exact same pair of shoes in different colors.

Poor Annie. This was going to hit her hard. I touched her on the arm. "If you don't mind sticking around 'til eight, I can give you a ride home," I offered. "I think I'll be able to get out earlier too. Feel like going out?"

"Not really, but thanks. And I came in with Lindsey, but she's going out with Jack, so I'll drive the car home." Annie hesitated. "Maybe you'd want to stop over on your way home though?" She looked up at me hopefully.

"Sure thing."

"Great seeing you again, Annie," Jack rejoined us. "So I guess we'll be seeing you back here soon?"

"Starting next week."

"If Will gets home before I do, don't you dare let him go up to his room before getting the whole story out of him," said Lindsey with a grin. "Or at least some of it."

"I'll do my best," Annie replied. I shook my head worriedly as she left the store.

"You're the strawberry girl, right?" I called as I set the carton of ice cream of the counter in the Fitzdarcys' kitchen.

Annie jumped off the couch in the next room and came over to me. She had exchanged her businesslike black skirt and neat blouse for a pair of extremely faded jeans, somewhat tattered about the hems, and a college sweatshirt. She was barefoot. Excellent .. vintage Annie. "Colin! Didn't hear you come in."

"Sorry, I never knock. Maybe I should, but I'm in and out of here all the time, so..." I shrugged.

"Mmm, Perry's strawberry," she said, looking at the box of ice cream. "You remembered."

"I try. So, do you want to tackle this now or wait a bit?"

"Not quite yet. No, leave it out," she said as I moved towards the freezer. "We'll let it soften up a little."

"What ever you say, kiddo," I said, following her into the comfy all-purpose room off the kitchen. "Feeling all right?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I?" she replied, without turning around to look at me. That didn't matter anyway; the strains of music I heard provided a powerful argument against her statement.

Dixie Chicks. Full volume. Frequently a bad sign. I threw a look at Annie.

"All right, so maybe it's not your thing. I can turn it off if you want."

"Nope, it isn't that, young lady. I know what this means, don't try to pretend," I said sternly. "You're forgetting I've got experience with Lindsey, Elizabeth, and Susan. Hey, even Carley and Jen a few times, not to mention quite a few of my other female cousins."

Annie looked at me a moment, then laughed. "I've got to say, Colin, you know girls better than any straight guy alive. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were seriously in denial."

"Ah, the gay best friend. Isn't that something of a cliché, Annie?"

"Maybe, but it's true. My friend Kevin at Columbia was so great. And the funny thing is, you do all the sweet little things he did -- bring me my favorite ice cream, hang out and commiserate, even though you've probably got something better to do. He understands the Dixie Chicks thing too. But you, Colin," Annie shook her finger and gave me an amused, reproachful smile, "you are definitely not gay, you heartbreaker."

"I've got a sister," I shrugged.

"So does Will, so does Bing, and it's hard to find a guy more clueless than those two, at least at times. And even your brother -- I mean, Fletch is a great guy, but he hasn't got what you can do. Besides," Annie continued, "Susan's hardly the most helpless, girly-girl, you know."

"Suse is the coolest," I said, smiling at the thought of my assertive, super-smart little sister. "And you're shy, but not nearly helpless, and neither is Lindsey, and certainly not Elizabeth... and God forbid, not Carley." Annie laughed. "It's just a fortuitous set of circumstances."

"No ... there's definitely something more you've got --"

"You make me blush," I interrupted, grinning.

"Liar!" Annie laughed, throwing a pillow at me.

"I'm just a sensitive guy," I murmured, leaning against the wall.

Annie snorted. "Not by half!"

"Okay, true enough." Annie more cheerful now. Still, I was going to leave the Jack issue alone for a bit longer.

"So Colin ... who's the lucky woman of the moment?"

"This moment?" I passed a hand over my hair. "Ah, there isn't one, actually."

"Impossible!" My cousin feigned shock.

"Very cute, kiddo. No, there isn't. Actually, I was thinking about starting something with Kristen Benedict a few weeks ago, but it er ... didn't quite work out."

"Kristy? Lizzy would kill you if you if you tried anything on her sister."

"Ah yes, well ... I did; successfully; and as for Lizzy, yes, nearly."

"Oh Colin, that was one bad idea."

"Maybe, but she's pretty cute. You know, sweet and perky in the 'cheerleader who gets straight A's in honors classes' kind of way."

Annie sighed. "I've always liked her, but I still think it was a stupid idea."

"Don't worry, I dropped it."

Annie stood up and looked straight at me. "Heartbreaker," she said, and went into the kitchen.

"It was Kristy's decision, you know," I said, following her. She just shook her head. "Annie, what? Anne!"

She handed me a bowl of strawberry ice cream. "Fine. Let's not talk about this stuff anymore, okay?"

"What stuff?"

"Love stuff," she said wryly. "I need a break."

"Hey kiddo," I said, before she could escape. "You're sure you're going to be okay with this? Now, Annie, don't look away -- you know what I mean ... about Jack."

"Yep, sure, fine," she chirped, sliding out of my reach. I gave up, then noticed her feet. Her toes were painted with dark red polish flecked with gold. I raised my eyebrows, trying to adjust my brain to the extremely amusing and slightly puzzling notion of my demure cousin wearing vixen polish.

Hah. Told you there's something to Annie you wouldn't expect.

Lindsey too.

Gardiner Fitzdarcy squatted in front of the small boy. "You know what, I bet you really don't want another cookie, do you Scotty?"

His young grandson nodded seriously and tried to reach for another treat. "Really?" Uncle Gard persisted. "No way ... hey, let me feel that muscle. Cool! But you know what? Carrots grow muscle way better than cookies. Of course, you knew that already."

Scott looked doubtful. "Hey, you know, if you have vegetables, you can be tall and strong like Pete!"

My sister Susan tilted back her plastic lawn chair and laughed. Uncle Gard looked up and realised that his fourteen-year-old nephew was busy munching down a double chocolate chip brownie. "Well, scratch that ... but you know Scotty, Pete's already had a lot of vegetables today. What's you favorite? Vegetables are such cool colors. I think the red peppers are the best myself -- no? Want some broccoli? Oh, definitely no to that. Okay, how about a carrot, good?"

Three-year-old Scott rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Fine, Grandpa. Then can I have another cupcake?"

"Ah ... we'll see." Gard stood up and looked around for the vegetable tray. "Phil? Where'd the veggies go?"

Aunt Phyllis, my mother's oldest sister, sprang out of her chair. "Oh no, we must have finished this tray. I'll go get another one" her gaze swept across the multitude of Wesley, Fitzdarcy, and Mattison relatives "or maybe more than one..."

I stood up from the poker-for-peanuts game I was playing with Fletch, Will, Dad, and Susan's boyfriend Josh. "Don't bother." Mom shot me an approving look. I leaned over and tapped Lindsey on the shoulder. "I'm going on a vegetable run. Care to join me?"

She looked up from pictures of floral arrangements and smiled at me. My cousin Kerrianne had recently become engaged and was blissfully displaying all the potentialities to whoever would dare to look. Twenty minutes into the presentation, Lindsey's eyes had started to glaze over. Knowing her, she wouldn't leave until she could think of a way to extract herself politely. Judging from her expression, my sister was in the same predicament, but Suse would just have to fend for herself. She kicked me in the ankle as I passed her, then met my eyes innocently.

Lindsey's usual quick pace became a skip, then a jog, as we set off across Gard and Phyllis Fitzdarcys' enormous backyard. I nudged her. "You don't have to run," I teased. "I'm sure Scotty will forgive us if we're just a few minutes with those carrots and peppers."

"Well," Lindsey started, but slowed to a walk. The second she did, I broke into a sprint. "Colin! You -- jerk!!!" Lindsey shrieked as she set off after me.

I glanced back at her and smirked as I hurdled a flowerbed. Poor kid didn't have a chance, especially with her dress shoes and knee-length skirt. I'm a foot taller than her and spent four years on the high school track team to boot.

My shoelace became untied. I glanced back as I kneeled down to tie it and saw Lindsey had kicked off her high-heeled sandals and was gaining on me. And she looked pissed. "Oh sh -- shoot..." I laughed, jumping up and continuing my flight. This part of the lawn was densely populated with small munchkins of varying relationship to me, whose' mothers would no doubt not be pleased with my profanity.

I looked down and realised one such tyke was ambling single-mindedly directly into my path. I swerved to avoid him, tangling my feet in the process, and tumbled to the ground. Lindsey swore under her breath and she tripped over me.

"Eh." I rolled onto my back. Lindsey was kneeling over me, looking distinctly displeased... and yet... "Now we're even," I panted.

"Even?" she exclaimed, grabbing my shirt. "Not hardly!"

"Eh ... yeah we are," I drawled lazily, not having the slightest desire to get up from the grass. Lindsey was peering at me as if she thought she wanted to pummel me, but couldn't be sure. I chuckled.

"Colin!" she exclaimed, both puzzled and exasperated. I laughed again. "Colin! What?" She glared at me, but a hint of a smile betrayed her. A long copper spiral slipped over her shoulder and hit me in the face. We both reached to push it back at the same time. My fingers laced through hers as I pulled her toward me.

"Let me tell you -- now we're even," I retorted pleasantly, just before I kissed her.

My eyes flew open the minute my alarm went off.

Well. That was...

That dream was ridiculous, of course. It was nearly Halloween. Lindsey would never be wearing sandals like that so late in October.

I jumped out of bed, wandered into the kitchen, and wandered back. Something...

I scratched my temple, wrinkled my nose in perplexity. I knew...

Maybe it seemed...

Well...

Nah, couldn't be.

"Am I the Only One (Who's Ever Felt This Way)" - Dixie Chicks
"If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" - Sting

Part 23: Just Perfect

Posted on Saturday, 8 June 2002

Will

Elizabeth drove in utter silence until we reached her townhouse. I racked my brain for the right words to say, but could come up with nothing that wouldn't make the tension worse. I nearly asked her if she wouldn't rather call the whole thing off and reschedule. Somehow, though, I knew she would take it the wrong way, see it as a rejection of sorts... in light of all that had gone down during dinner.

I didn't blame her, really. I wanted to tell her, but for the life of me, knew not how without sounding patronizing or offensive. Elizabeth had criticized my tongue-tied tendencies in the past, but this time I thought it was preferable to the alternative.

She silently unlocked the door and went inside, flipping on a light switch. I closed the door behind me and followed her into the small kitchen. Finally Elizabeth turned around. "So." She raised her hands as if to gesture, then let them fall helplessly. Looking as if she'd first planned to say something else, she asked if I wanted anything to eat.

I replied I was still quite full, thank you.

"Coffee?"

"If you'll have some."

She nodded slightly and turned to prepare it.

"Let me help."

"No," Lizzy said, reaching down a can of Folgers. "Just talk."

"I..."

She turned around, and suddenly I realised how utterly exhausted she looked. Not so much in the physical sense -- just like she was sick of the whole thing. Whatever that was. "Look. That's what we're here for. Don't try to say anything to -- don't -- I don't care. Just spit it out, whatever you wanted to tell me, and then we can talk about it, and then everyone can go home friends, okay?" She turned back to the coffee maker, leaving me to digest this somewhat less than inviting speech.

I took a breath. "Right then," I began in a businesslike tone. "I've got some things here that will help me show you just what Bing and I are planning to do..." She sat down across the table from me and I slid her a neatly organized folder.

Elizabeth picked up a pair of delicate silver-framed reading glasses and perched them on her nose. She opened the folder and glanced back up at me. "So Bing will be part of this venture too, I take it?"

"Yes. You -- well, if you agree to our plan -- you'd be the third wheel --"

"Thank you," she said, smiling with faint humor.

"I'm sorry. Didn't mean it quite as it may have sounded; it would be a very critical role. Holding everything together, if you will. Now, Bing and I want to help people work together and communicate more easily and quickly. I'm the tech guy" -- Lizzy smiled, a lighter mood seeming to break through the tension -- "Bing's the idea guy, the advertising guy, artistic visionary, PR guy, you name it. But let me tell you" I leaned toward Lizzy, wry smile on my lips "he is not the managing guy." I leaned back. "And that's where you come in."

"Wait a minute." Elizabeth was puzzled. "I thought you wanted me because of my writing skills ... journalism, communications, all that..."

"I do. Let me explain. Bing can come up with some great stuff, but he can't get it down on paper in a way other people understand. It's funny; if someone wants him to do an advertisement, and he tells Bing what he wants to convey and how, Bing's good to go -- he's great, really. But he can't tell other people how to do that, and he's going to have to delegate a lot of that work for this."

I paused, not sure if I was making any sense to her, but Elizabeth nodded for me to continue.

"And he isn't able to fill in all the details of his own ideas so that other people know what he's talking about. If he sits down with a person and can have a conversation about it and can be free to use sketch plans and hand gestures galore, he might be okay, but instructing via memo? -- Never. He sees it in his own mind, it makes perfect sense to him, but the people who will put the idea into place have to know more than his sketchy outline to actually make it work. That's why we need you as an intermediary."

"I think I'm beginning to understand," Elizabeth said thoughtfully.

"I'm even worse; as I said, I'm a tech guy, and unfortunately I learned to appreciate the value of written communication a bit late. Needless to say, sometimes 'Well, what you're going to do is, you're going to ... well, why don't you just watch me this time and somehow you'll make head or tail out of it when it's your turn to go it on your own' just won't suffice when you're trying to tell someone how to do something. I'd make a terrible teacher, that's without question. Even the few times I've spotted as a trainer at work have been pretty bad."

This time she laughed. "How about the management side?" she asked, bringing two steaming cups of coffee to the table.

"Ah yes. As I said, you're our communication intermediary; that puts you in a great position to oversee personnel. And in general, you just seem to have a better head for business than either Bing or I do. You're sensible, observant, straightforward, dynamic, logical... you did something with business in college too, didn't you?"

She nodded. "Yes, double-majored. Media Study, and Management Information System in the Business department."

"And tell me again how you managed to get that done in less than four years?"

She shrugged. "AP credit and a few summer classes here and there. It was a SUNY school, you know; they're flexible with that. I minored in English, too."

I leaned back and gazed at her with pure admiration. "You're perfect."

"I know," she said, looking up at me from under her lashes and flashing a demure smile, "But what's in it for me?"

I was ready for her. "You like an adventure."

Elizabeth looked surprised by my simple, ready answer. "That all you got for me, Fitzdarcy?" she drawled.

"Oh, you know there are others, but that's really all I need, isn't it?"

She contemplated me for a moment, tilted back in her chair. "I think... you've got a deal."

"Excellent." I opened another folder. "Let me explain --"

Lizzy closed the folder with a laugh. "Not now, Willis J. -- What's your middle name?"

"James. After my father."

"All right then. Willis James, it's ten o' clock at night and we're just been through a particularly horrendous dinner, compliments of my" she threw a look at the ceiling "always scrupulous, respectable and discreet family and" with a sigh, she faced me squarely "I have neither the desire nor the capacity to pursue the minute details of whatever it is you've got in that stack of folders." She stood up. "Now then, how about some more coffee and... you can tell me a little more about yourself."

Tell her a little more about myself...?

I wondered. She'd known me fifteen years; why did she seem to imply we were hardly acquainted with each other? But something needed to be taken care of first. "Lizzy, I... about your family. Please don't feel I was ... please understand that I don't think any less of you for what you family might have done ... or said ... or implied..."

"Oh, are they really that bad?" she asked flippantly, but with an edge in her voice.

"No, Lizzy, they aren't. I liked your parents very much. Perhaps your sisters -- Lynda and Myra, I mean -- may be a bit silly, may be a bit lacking in proper behavior, but ... well, what can you do. You and Jen and Kristy are such a credit to your family it's easy to overlook some of the ... failings of the others. And as for your Uncle Phil, well, I suppose every family has a black sheep or three, don't they?"

"Thank you, Willis, that was very reassuring."

"I only meant -- it's just that ... well, you seemed so embarrassed..."

Elizabeth leaned over the table and massaged her forehead in her hand. "Will ... look. I know you don't mean to be patronizing, but you are. You just don't understand; it's a different world to you. Just look at you, you've got it all planned out. You've got the perfect life, perfect sister; you're going to get married to some unimaginably perfect woman and have an even more perfect life, raising a few perfect kids in some huge, immaculate house with a very orderly herbaceous border along the front walkway." She sat up. "And I'm sure this business venture of yours will work out perfectly as well, because you never screw up. Just tell me one thing: I'm I just going to be your glorified secretary, Will?"

"No," I said, meeting her eyes seriously. "No to the question; you'll be much more than a 'glorified secretary.' And to the suppositions -- No. No, I don't have it all planned out; and no; I love her, but no; no, no, no, no; I might swing the herbaceous border; no, I don't think that's guaranteed; and... no, certainly not."

Elizabeth returned my gaze grimly; then, almost imperceptibly, shook her head no. Rising, she picked up her cup and carried it to the coffeemaker.

Colin's and Disney's advice echoed in my head. Kiss her ... go on and kiss the girl...

I stood up and followed her. "Lizzy, I'm sorry. The last thing I meant was to insult you. If you could just disregard somehow all the stupid things I've said ... ever..."

She smiled faintly. "That's asking a lot, isn't it?"

"Maybe ... yes. Yes, it is. I--"

"I know; you're sorry." She bent to put her cup in the dishwasher. "Especially now that you want me to help you."

"Elizabeth!" Understanding was beginning to dawn. "No, that's not why. I mean, I can see why it seems..." I was losing her and it was all because of my miserable timing and inarticulate reticence. "I'm so sorry, Elizabeth. There's so much more ... if only I could tell you..." She was watching me with quizzical concentration. I met her eyes and was struck dumb.

She raised her eyebrow. Instead of stumbling into more verbal quagmire, I ... kissed her.

Elizabeth pulled back and looked up at me, searching for answers.

"I..."

Elizabeth closed her eyes. "No, no, you'll only get yourself into trouble again," she murmured, and kissed me back.

The phone rang somewhere, but Elizabeth made no move for it, and I certainly was not about to argue. The answering machine kicked in.

"Elizabeth? Oh dear ... I thought you'd be home. Please call me when you get home ... oh, perhaps tomorrow, it's rather late already. I hope you're not ... Lizzy, my dear, this is important." It was Mrs. Benedict. In my mind I could picture her face creased with worry. I wondered what had happened. Elizabeth had stepped a little away from me and seemed to be absorbed in almost a trance.

"Elizabeth, I don't know what's going on between you and that young man, but I'm not sure ... I'd like to talk to you, Lizzy. Do you even know --" the machine cut off.

Completely floored, I looked at Elizabeth. She was gripping the counter as if that was all that could keep her upright. Slowly, she swallowed. I thought I detected a tear but couldn't be sure.

I froze. I had made Lizzy cry? She spoke before I could sink through the floor. "Come on, I'll take you home."

I looked up. "Lizzy...?"

"It's been a long night, hasn't it?" She attempted a smile.

"What about --"

"What am I doing?" she cried

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have--"

"Forget about it," she interrupted quickly. "I think I'd like to help you with your business, but I'm sure there's more we should go over before I decide and we agree. I ... um, you're not ready to put anything into action yet, I'm sure, so we've got awhile for that." As she spoke, she turned off the coffee pot, tidied the kitchen, collected her keys and coat, all the while avoiding my eye. "Are you ready?"

Defeat was inevitable. I picked up my jacket and followed her to the front door.

"Tell your sister and cousin hello for me," Elizabeth said as she shakily turned the key to the ignition. That was the last thing she said to me that night.

I slipped in through the kitchen and observed my sister and cousin a minute before making my presence known. Lindsey was in the family room pretending to read while Annie was curled up in a semi-fetal position, absently staring more through the television than at it. The distance between them seemed to transcend the length of the couch, and the silence was conspicuous. But I wasn't of the mind to probe tonight.

I crossed into the room and Lindsey jumped up. "Will! How did it go?"

"Not now," I said abruptly, heading up the stairs. "Good night Annie, Lindz."

Part 24: Incubation Terminus

Posted on Saturday, 8 June 2002

Jen

"C'mon, Jen, just a little longer..." Bing drawled, flashing an engaging smile.

I was not to be deterred. "I'm just going to call Lizzy and see how she's doing. She was pretty jumpy earlier," I said, rising. Bing took my hand and tugged at it.

"It's still early. They're probably still at it."

"Well..." I let him pull me back down to the couch.

"Bing," I said five minutes later. Something just didn't feel right -- darned if I knew what. "So what's this things you and Will have got going?"

"Jenny ... do we have to talk about this now?"

"I'm interested." I sat up straight.

He sighed. "We haven't got anything going yet; we're just planning on it. Hopefully. And we think Lizzy might be a nice asset."

"So you don't know when you're going to open shop?"

"Sometime, hopefully."

"Then wasn't this a little premature? It seems kind of like you're making my sister wait around for you guys to figure out what you want and get your act together."

"Not at all," Bing replied with uncharacteristic sharpness. "We're just seeing if she'd be interested in our proposition."

I was silent.

"Jen..." Bing let out a chuckle, glanced at the ceiling, and faced me with a goofy grin. "Though part of it is an excuse for Will to see if Lizzy's interested in another kind of proposition."

If Bing had expected me to be amused, he was sadly mistaken. I stood up and looked around for my shoes.

"Hey Jen ... Jenny? What are you doing?"

I knew something wasn't right, and what a time to figure it out. I'd been probing for emotional depth, and now I find out the lake's dried up.

"I see, so Elizabeth can just hang out and wait for Will to figure out what he wants from that, too?"

"I didn't say --"

"It's been yes, no, maybe so for the past few months, Bing. Now you want me to be thrilled that the almighty Willis Fitzdarcy has finally deigned to take my sister for a test-drive?"

"I thought you liked Will," said Bing, looking hurt, and puzzled.

"I do. But I don't like the way he's been puttering around with my sister just because he can't make up his mind."

"Wait a minute Jen ... you're not being fair. What do you mean Will is? What about your sister's little mind games?"

"Lizzy has not been playing games, as you say. Even if you argue she hasn't been entirely blameless, it's only because she hasn't a clue what his intentions are, and would like just a little bit of insight, if you please."

"All right, I realize Lizzy isn't the most patient person, but --"

"Patient!" I picked up my purse and headed for the door. "This isn't about patient. This is about sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for you to get your acts together."

What Bing said next I do not know; I had already closed the door behind me.

Have you ever said now he's the one?
I'm gonna love this man until I'm ninety-one
Oo-ee baby love is out of sight
I said love just never treats me right

I'll love this man until I'm ninety-two
but oh lord what's a girl to do?
I love this man with all of my might
but love just never treats me right

Driving back to our townhouse, I wondered what I would tell Lizzy. She'd hate to think she had been the cause of a fight between me and Bing, but she'd find out, eventually. I decided nothing but the whole story would suffice.

I love this man with all my heart and soul
I love this man from head to toe
Well I love this man with all my might
Why won't love ever treat me right

It was about time she knew, anyway.

I'll love this man until I'm ninety-three
but oh lord he's done some hurtin' on my
me and my baby we fuss and fight
I said why won't love ever treat me right?

"Lizzy?" The apartment was silent. I climbed the stairs and knocked on Elizabeth's closed door.

"Jenny?" came the quiet reply a few moments later.

"Yeah."

Another pause. "Can you come in?" I entered the room and saw my sister curled up into a tight little ball, chin on her knees and her arms encircling her legs. I sat down next to her on the bed.

"So what happened?" I asked softly.

She shrugged, laughed, and sniffled all at the same time. "I drove him home -- sent him away." She leaned her forehead into her arms and dark curls spilled forward. "It's not that he's a bad guy... he just doesn't know what he wants. I don't think he knows whether he even likes me or not."

I digested this and thought about what Bing had said. "What did he do?"

Elizabeth looked up. "Oh, we talked for awhile about the business he wants to start, then I tried to get him to tell me a little more about himself. Instead, he tried to tell me he doesn't think our family is really all that atrocious, and made a complete mess of it." Elizabeth looked away and avoided my eye. "Then he kissed me."

"Oh."

"That's right Jen -- the best thing you can possibly say is 'oh'." I think he meant well... but I don't really want to wait it out while he arranges the pros and cons and comes to the appropriate decision."

"I understand," I sighed.

Elizabeth looked up. "Say, isn't it a little early for you to be back? I thought you'd be at Bing's longer."

"I think it was best for both of us that I left when I did."

"Both of us? You don't mean you left because you were worried about me, do you? Or... Jen, don't tell me something happened between you and Bing? No way!"

Yes, I was going to have to tell Elizabeth. And somehow, I thought that might be a tremendous relief. "I'd say more that it's something that's been happening for awhile --"

Lizzy cocked her head. "But you two seemed so great together..."

"Well... some things you can hide for awhile and pretend they never happened, but anything's that's been incubated long enough has a tendency to grow. I guess tonight it was finally time for the egg to hatch." Seeing Elizabeth's puzzled expression, I prepared myself. "I never told you what happened with Harold, did I?"

My sister looked up in surprise. "Well, no," she said tentatively. "I suppose ... I just assumed there was nothing to tell." But her expression told me she had been hurt by the absence of this confidence.

I tucked up my feet, mirroring her position. "Where do I start ... I called off the engagement the January before last. If you remember, Bing had just finished grad school in December and had come back to Rochester..."

Elizabeth's eyes widened, but she said nothing.

"He got a job contracting at one of the radio stations as an advertising account manager. He didn't really like it; preferred visuals more, but that's besides the point." I took a deep breath. "And I was helping Harold put together some commercials in support of some proposition -- I can't even remember what it was. Well, we were one of Bing's first accounts. It was great seeing him again, and really, he did do a fantastic job."

"Jen..." Lizzy trailed off.

"Look," I said defensively, "Harold's a nice guy and I really was fond of him. But that's just it -- fond. I ... I liked him ... I'd even say I loved him, but in a platonic way. It could have never worked -- it just took me awhile to realize it."

"He adored you," said Lizzy sharply.

"Yes ... he did," I admitted. "But it's better this way. I'm sure of it. We left on good terms, remember that, Lizzy. I didn't want to treat him badly, whatever my reasons."

"Bing?"

"Harold was gone a lot, even though it was recess. Even if you think he's wimpy, he does try hard, Lizzy. That's why I was taking care of the ads for him."

"But you were working two jobs! Doesn't he have staff for that sort of thing?"

"Well, of course, and they did much of the consultation. But I think Harold wanted something of a personal touch -- it was an education bill, and you know how he is about that -- so he had me act as his envoy. I didn't mind, Lizzy, really. And he knew Bing and I were old friends, so..."

"So what did you do?" Elizabeth asked cynically.

"Lizzy ... I started out with innocent intentions. It just somehow slid into something more."

"And so you slid into --"

"Just once, Elizabeth. And then I called it off with Harold. It was what I needed to realize I couldn't marry him, no matter how fond I was of him. It wasn't enough."

"And Bing...?"

I looked down. "Never called, never wrote," I said, trying to keep my voice light. Instead, a tear slipped down my nose. I blinked and continued, "I saw him once after that and he told me his station was transferring him to Syracuse for awhile."

"That's only an hour and a half away. No excuse to --"

"You don't understand, Lizzy. He was so ... cool, impersonal. As much as Bing Charleston could ever be, and then some. I don't know what I did..."

Elizabeth slammed her hand down on the night table and swore.

"Lizzy..."

"What? How could he do that? And now..."

"That's why it was so long after he came back before we got into anything. I know people wondered, but..."

"I can't believe you let him at all," my sister muttered indignantly. "But I don't understand it at all. It's not like him, what he did... But then, how well do I really know him? How well do you know him, even?"

"I didn't want to think about that at the time. Maybe I should have."

"Huh, you know what his sister always says -- reel 'em to you in haste, fall in love at leisure. Maybe he's been listening to Carly too much. Maybe you have."

"Hmmm."

"Meanwhile she goes through men faster than a keg of Molson at a UR frat party, but never mind that small detail."

"Go easy on him, Lizzy. You still have to work with him."

"What about you?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "I'm sure there must be a reason, somewhere, for what he did the first time. I am somewhat..." I sought the right word "upset with him right now, but that may be my fault just as much as his --"

"Jen!"

"I knew what I was getting into, Elizabeth. And I could have asked him, and never did. I'm not blameless either."

Lizzy looked displeased by this statement, but said nothing.

"Don't worry about it, Lizzy." With a sigh, I heaved myself off the bed. "You'll be all right about Will..."

Elizabeth looked up. "Yeah, I ... you know." She laughed ruefully. "...I don't know."

"Then why don't you do to sleep. It'll do you good." I backed out of the room, shutting the door.

What to do now ... The conference with Lizzy had helped, but I still felt ... Empty. Disillusioned. Lonely. Should have known, maybe. Only myself to blame, then...

My wanderings had led me to my bedroom. I reached into a drawer for my Ohio State college sweatshirt, always a source of comfort. Instead, it revealed itself to be U Michigan, and far too large. Of course...

Cross-legged on my bed, I pulled the phone into my lap, smiling as I dialed the Massachusetts number.

"Hey there, Wesley..."

*Susan Tedeschi -- "Love Never Treats Me Right"

Part 25: Seeing Double

Posted on Wednesday, 19 June 2002

Annie

You said you were hurting
You almost lost your mind

I hate feeling this way. You shouldn't be pleased about someone else's problems... it isn't right. It isn't nice. I turned down the volume on the CD player as my cousin entered the kitchen, realizing with a blush a moment later the import of the song.

"'Morning, Annie."

"Good morning, Lindsey," I said quietly.

...You love her more when you should love her less
Why do you pick-up behind her
I know you pick-up all her mess

"Feeling okay there, Annie?" she asked, heading for the ringing telephone.

When things go wrong, go wrong with you
It hurts me too

"Sure, I'm fine." Just very, very guilty. Lindsey's more than my cousin, she's my friend. And when I had dissolved my carefully ordered, mother-planned life, Lindsey had taken me in, set me back on my feet, helped me start going somewhere I wanted to. She'd offered me her home and her help and her hospitality. And how was I repaying this benevolence? Coveting her boyfriend...

Oh so you better leave that girl
Oh you better put her down

What are you thinking, Annie?

Cause the girl you love
She hurts you all the time

Lindsey sounded displeased. "Really Jack, it's 7:30... well yes, but..."

When things go wrong, go wrong with you
It hurts me too

"No, I'm not..." my cousin said, a bit heatedly. I turned up the volume. "Jack ... if I knew you were going to be this possessive ... Yes!" Lindsey sprang off her perch on the kitchen table and started pacing back and forth at top speed.

Now she loves another man and boy I love you
But oh I know that you love her

"So what?"

I always see you stick to her like glue

"Well ... all right ... sure."

When things go wrong, go wrong with you
It hurts me too

Lindsey put down the phone with a sigh, then looked at me. "Completely paranoid," she shrugged.

I made a vague sound of agreement. She glanced at me, then poured herself a cup of coffee and headed back upstairs, where she was working on a paper. "Annie, I think that's Colin coming down the street," she called.

"Thanks. See you later, then."

Sure enough, my cousin pulled into the driveway a moment later. Since we had the same hours, he was taking me to work. Colin gave me a thoughtful once over when I slipped into the passenger seat. "How's it going?"

I knew he was inquiring after more than my general health, but I didn't want to refer to the point directly either. "Um, I'm okay, I guess." I wasn't going to tell Colin about Lindsey and Jack's minor spat the night before.

"I wouldn't expect it to last much longer, personally," he aired. "So, if you --"

"Why?"

He shrugged. "Why not, more like it. The whole thing's completely senseless, you know. I'm just waiting for the first ball to drop."

"Colin..."

"What?"

"Come on. You shouldn't say that. It's just not... nice."

Before he could reply, a colossal suburban with a "My child is an honors students at ____ Elementary School" bumper sticker hurtled down the expressway off ramp, blowing through the yield sign and cutting off Colin's sensible little Ford Focus. Slamming on the brakes, he exploded in a volley of profanity, to my utter shock. Colin is the most laid back, philosophically inclined driver I know. He never loses his cool. He caught my stare and apologised, muttering something about crazy soccer moms, the crimson deepening in his neck.

"S'okay," I said quietly. My cousin is so incredibly stupid. That is, he's a reasonably smart guy who chooses to be utterly blind, clueless, dense, hammerheaded, about certain things, causing him to say and do the most extraordinarily stupid things.

Colin understands those puzzling little graphs in economics textbooks, and what's more, he can explain to you what they mean so well you can almost understand what he's talking about. He took several courses of calculus at a university chock full of engineers who, by all accounts, never sleep more than 2.7 hours a night, and he survived unscathed. And he actually does read Playboy for the articles. (Well, okay, partly for the articles.) But he absolutely cannot, will not see what's directly in front of him. And no use trying to mention this to him, especially not now.

"And if Jack even thinks about screwing up, I have no problem at all with breaking his face," Colin added cheerfully.

Colin and Elizabeth were deep in conversation against the wall by the door to the computer room. I tried to slip around them to avoid intruding, but the overflowing supply cart blocking my way made that difficult. "Eh, Annie, get back here," Colin called.

"Er, sorry..."

Colin was peering at me thoughtfully. He exchanged a glance with Elizabeth over my head, then turned back to me. "You're not doing anything tonight, are you? Good."

"Come out with us," offered Lizzy.

I blushed. "Oh, I didn't mean to ... I thought ... well, it looked like you were having a private conversation, so..."

"Heavens, no," exclaimed Elizabeth. "Half this place thinks I'm dating Colin as it is ... that or just sleeping with him. So if for no other reason than to prevent another gossip train, please, come."

"And because we want you to," added Colin.

"I haven't had much of a chance to talk with you since you came back, Annie," said Elizabeth with a smile. Then her expression turned rueful and she continued, "Besides ... you might have to drive."

"Ah."

"Well..." Colin shrugged, "Lizzy's taken a bit of a toss and you've been through more than a little upheaval lately, so..."

"I thought you said I'd end up as the driver?"

"Well, you tend towards moderation more than either of us do."

"So what's your problem, Colin?" I couldn't resist asking.

He shrugged again. "Empathy drinking."

"Mmm," said Elizabeth skeptically. I didn't think it was worthwhile to reply at all.

"Ah, don't tell me there's discord in paradise?" Colin aired, leaning against the wall with a smug expression.

"Colin..." Lizzy warned. I was confused, then followed their gaze and saw Lindsey had come in and was speaking with Jack, who was working. He looked decidedly peevish; she, coldly intractable.

"Well..." Colin drawled, still looking smugly pleased with himself, "...what do you know. Didn't I tell you I'd be right about this?"

"You're not right yet," Elizabeth countered. She kicked away the cart and tugged him into the computer room so he'd stop staring. Somebody had left the radio on.

... A token of true love

"Ah, pretty close, I'd say."

"Happy now, Colin?"

...Should have all worked out
but it didn't
She should be here now but she isn't

He shrugged, then tilted his head towards me. "So Annie, what do you know about all this?"

Me? Ah ... I was saved from replying by Lindsey herself walking into the office. "How are you?" Colin asked sweetly.

There's your trouble there's your trouble
You keep seeing double with the wrong one

She smiled at him. "Well enough, considering Jack is a lunatic, I think. I had a great time last night though, thank you."

You can't see I love you
you can't see she doesn't
But you just keep a-holdin' on
There's your trouble

Colin did the impossible: he looked even more smug than he had twenty seconds ago. "I thought you needed it -- Jack just doesn't know how to show a girl a good time like I do."

...Why don't you cash in your chips
Why don't you call it a loss
Not such a big loss, chalk it up to better luck...

Concluding it would not be acceptable (or explainable) to scream at this moment, I quietly left the office.

As I lugged the hefty bin of Service Desk returns to the reshop area, two sounds became more distinctive as I approached. One was the unmistakable pling and rattle of heavier items being tossed irritably into the wire racks. The other was a baritone voice, singing only slightly off-key, with a more than slightly acerbic edge.

I set the bin down and started sorting. Jack gave me a grim smile of acknowledgment but didn't stop singing, all the while pitching unwanted merchandise into the reshop racks to be taken back and reshelved later.

The one I love belongs to somebody else
She means her tender songs for somebody else

I wouldn't have expected Jack to chose Big Band standards to vent his irritation, but it got the point across nonetheless.

And even when I have my arms around her *plink*
I know her thoughts *slam* are strong for somebody else

I stayed clear of the flying items and snuck furtive peeks at him, wondering exactly what he knew or suspected. *SLAM-rattle* More than enough, evidently.

The hands I hold belong to somebody else
I'll bet they're not so cold to somebody else

What about me? I wondered. Not just whether he'd perceived my -- let's be honest -- utter worship of him; what did he think of me at all? He liked me, I thought ... but in the same way he'd like a younger sister who didn't pester him too much. He glanced at me with a wry smile, and I murmured the next few lines of the song under my breath.

It's tough to be alone on the shelf
And it's worse to fall in love my yourself
The one I love belongs to somebody else....

Colin and I picked up Lizzy a little before eight and drove to a club downtown. The purpose of this adventure, I gathered, was not primarily to drink themselves silly. The alcohol merely made the conversation easier to swallow. We sat down at the end of the bar and Elizabeth immediately requested a Bacardi. Colin ordered a gin and tonic. Wisely, I asked for a Sprite.

Perhaps reflective of a skittish state of mind, Elizabeth lubricated her chronicle of what was wrong with my cousin Will and what was even more wrong with herself with a sort of liquid culinary tour. (She laid off the beer, however; apparently she didn't consider it strong enough.) She dabbled in Chardonnay, Scotch, cocktails, exactly one and two-thirds of a strawberry daiquiri (I drank the rest), another Bacardi, a frothy in-house conglomeration of tequila, citrus, vanilla, and kiwi which Colin ridiculed, and three sips of apricot brandy that nobody wanted to finish. Colin, on the other hand, stuck to his gin and tonics -- one after another after another after another. When I commented upon this lack of variety, he promptly ordered a CC on the rocks. "Just for you, Annie," he said. I suppose I should have been flattered.

"CC ... Oh, the irony," Elizabeth said, glaring at him. "Commitment. Constancy. Just what you always avoid."

"Canadian Club," replied Colin sourly. "But I don't think I'd mind committing to this. And it'd be constant, too."

"You don't know how true that is, boy. Keep it up like you're doing and you're going to find yourself with nothing but that," Lizzy warned. "I foresee a steady relationship with the bottle."

"I know, I know." Colin took a swig of the whiskey. "When I fall in love but it's too late and my heart is broken, right? How are you so sure?"

"It's inevitable. Everyone falls in love sometime."

"So? I plan to, maybe not 'til I'm pushing forty, but --"

"No, no," Elizabeth interrupted. "You don't plan to fall in love. You just do."

"All right then," said Colin irritably, "no reason it has to go wrong."

Elizabeth shook her head. "It will, it will."

Colin turned to me. "Annie, you're sober. What do you think?" I frowned, thinking I was probably with Elizabeth on this one but didn't really want to get into it. Colin took another track, however. "I mean, do you think you can chose who you fall in love with? And where, and when ... how?"

"Of course not," Elizabeth objected. "Because if that were true I would have fallen for you years ago. I could have talked you into thinking you felt the same way, and eventually you would have, and everything would be so much simpler than it is now." She paused for a drink and shrugged. "But nothing happening ... just wasn't meant to be."

"Do you mean no spark or chemistry or what?" Colin asked, eyeing her.

"No, it isn't even that. We wouldn't have been any worse off than the average couple, I suppose. We get along great. But it wouldn't have been love..." Elizabeth trailed off and traced her finger along the rim of her glass. "It could have been ... pleasant. But I'm afraid that's not quite good enough for me." She looked back up at Colin.

"Do you have it with Will?"

Elizabeth looked into her drink. "Yes," she admitted finally. "And I think that might be all we would have going for us. So it's a gamble. I could settle for something platonic, like with you, or risk a mess with someone like him. I lose something either way, and I want the best of both."

"You seem to have thought a lot about this," he said quietly.

"Yes, I have. After every romantic disaster," she laughed wryly. "Especially in college. I missed you."

"I visited you."

"I know ... I'm not blaming you. You couldn't haul from Pittsburgh to Buffalo every weekend. It was nice when you came though."

"Better parties at your school too."

Elizabeth laughed. "Speaking of which ... remember that one in sophomore year? You decided you had to convince that snotty girl from my dorm you were my boyfriend."

"I didn't like the way she was treating you. She was so damned condescending and bitchy. Just because she was dating some beefy numbskull and you were single she decided she had to do that phony pitying act ... I hated it." He was quiet while a slow smirk tugged up the corners of his mouth. "Although I grant you she did have the most incredibly fantastic figure." Colin paused and looked reverently at the ceiling. "Didn't like the way her boyfriend's creepy sidekick was looking at you, either."

"Well, thank you. But Colin ... did you really have to put your hand up my shirt?"

"Yes, of course." Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at him. "I was nineteen."

She laughed at this, then fell into silent contemplation of him. "You're not a grown-up," she said at last.

"What?"

"That's your problem, Colin. You're still seventeen, really, until someday it comes crashing down and you'll find yourself in a mess. You like flirting with pretty girls and getting into mischief and driving fast through the country where you can get away with it. You're dedicated to the pursuit of fun and angling for sex with the fewest strings. And it's not just the details -- everything you do, you're just drifting. Sure, you've got your job at the store and you're working on your Masters, great, but then what? You can't see a year ahead, just puttering around restlessly."

"So? What's so wrong about it -- isn't it better to get it out of my system now than waiting 'til I'm forty-five and have a wife and a serious job and maybe a couple kids, like more than a few people I could mention? I'm fine. I'm exploring my options. I don't like being tethered. I'm happy," he said defensively.

"You're missing the point," Lizzy shook her head. "I'll leave your career out of this, since I'm hard pressed to say I'm any different. Maybe there you are making some shuffling steps in a generally forward direction, I'll give you that. But you're spiraling blindly into a romantic Hurricane Hugo, buddy. Don't give me that about 'sowing your wild oats' or whatever. It isn't the same thing at all. You're too lazy to try or even care. In that, Will's better than you. He may not know what he wants -- and he has terrible timing at my expense -- but at least he's trying to figure it out.

"You said it happens no matter what you do."

"So you're waiting for the disaster to fall on your head."

"Instead of rushing to meet it?" Colin asked sardonically.

"Stop it. Although..." Elizabeth swirled the liquid around her cocktail glass, "at least you're better than Bing. You're not actively doing anything hurtful."

Colin's G&T (his fifth) nearly went up his nose. "Bing? You're kidding me. He'd never..." Elizabeth was shaking her head.

"Yeah, I know -- you'd never think it, but..."

"Jen?" Colin asked, still unbelieving.

"Yeah. He screwed up pretty bad..." Elizabeth trailed off, and Colin knew better than to try to intrude into confidences between the sisters.

"I don't understand," he said. "Bing adores her..."

"Yeah, well ... so much for that." Elizabeth shrugged and turned the conversation back to Colin's shortcomings. "Now you, boy, you're not going to just fall in love -- you're going to fall flat on your face."

Colin didn't reply and ordered another drink. He finished it and looked back at Lizzy. "I had this dream..."

"Yes?"

Colin picked up Elizabeth's cocktail, took a sip, and made a face. "Never mind."

"Disaster," she reiterated.

"Why? I'm getting practice."

"What you're doing isn't what I meant. How long do you think you can go on window-shopping through love, Colin?"

"It works."

"Until another guy pays cash for what you want while you're standing outside the store with a maxed-out credit card."

We dropped Elizabeth off a little after eleven. For some reason, probably because I was lonely and depressed and completely sober, I took Colin back to Lindsey and Will's with me instead of dropping him off at his apartment. Somewhere around the eighth gin and tonic Colin had become convinced he was just like P.J. O'Rourke. ("Except without all the drugs. And younger. And I'm not a foreign correspondent ... but I'd say I could count as a professional trouble-maker, right?" Both Lizzy and I had agreed to this last statement.)

The light in the attic window indicated Will was either on a work binge or was of the same mind as Lizzy and Colin. (My money's on Will getting sloshed.) I fumbled for my keys while Colin asked me if I thought The Economist (since Rolling Stone was already taken) would send him to Budapest or Caracas or Johannesburg and pay him to do exciting things and talk to people and drink a lot and maybe write even something now and then. (No.)

For the next half-hour, I sat on the family room couch and listened patiently while Colin waxed on about his future as P.J. O'Rourke's tagalong economic analyst. Or something like that. He didn't seem too clear on the details.

Colin was wearing the earnest, enthusiastic expression he always has when he's convinced he's being as logical as he is drunk. I have a feeling this is how larger than life effigies of the valedictorian, the student representative to the school board, and the school mascot engaged in a lewd act ended up on the thirty-yard line on Graduation night, class of 1993.

"There's a great quote by P.J.," Colin said very seriously. I heard the back door slam, but he paid it no heed. "'All people are exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. ... I found it out by sleeping around.'"

And sure enough, Lindsey appeared in the doorway. "Ah, so really this is a sociological study to benefit humanitarian ends you're involved in," I said calmly.

Colin thought about this for an inordinately long amount of time. "Okay," he agreed.

"Ah, and here I was thinking you were just a womanizing sleaze ball," Lindsey said coldly, and walked into the kitchen.

Slate-blue eyes wide with perplexity, he stumbled up (never seen that before) and followed her. I watched anxiously through the doorway.

"You think that about me?" he asked, sounding hurt.

Lindsey poured a glass of wine and rested her forehead against intertwined fingers. "Not tonight, Colin."

"Jack did something stupid," he said with certainty.

"No. Well, yes ... Nothing more than could have logically been expected."

Colin leaned against the other side of the counter to face her. "I'm sorry," he said nicely. He looked at her carefully, if a little hazily. "How much do you care?"

She peered up at him. "What kind of question is that?"

"Will you mind if it doesn't work out? Were you just practicing, just window-shopping through... or were you in it for real? Will you care?" he asked again. Lindsey just stared at him. "I was talking to Lizzy tonight. With drinks," he added, unnecessarily. His brow furrowed. "Or maybe it's Jack, who wasn't serious..."

Lindsey snapped. "Shut up!"

Colin took a step backward. "What?"

"You don't care. You aren't serious. And this..." she took a slow, furious breath, "is all your fault, Colin."

"But..."

I heard someone at the front door and had an ominous feeling I knew who it was. I peeped out the window, and sure enough ... "Hello, Annie. I left my gloves when I was here earlier," said Jack as I let him through the door.

"Mmm..."

"Lindsey still up?"

"Well..." I glanced through the kitchen door. My cousins were locked in what can only be described as a stratospherically-strung staring contest. Colin looked almost panicked with drunken confusion, while Lindsey held him in a visual vise-grip of cold fury... and something else.

"Annie?" Jack turned and took a few steps toward the kitchen to see what held my attention.

"...kiss me right now," Lindsey was saying.

I glanced nervously at Jack. Why don't you cash in your chips, why don't you call it a loss, I thought. Not such a big loss, chalk it up to better luck... Indeed...

She'll be there when you hit the ground

He crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame while his girlfriend froze his college roommate and friend with a stare and continued "... it won't matter to you, Wesley, a kiss is just a kiss and what do you care? Or let's see you be serious for once..." I was dizzy with the unreality of it and I was stone-cold sober. Maybe that was the problem. Lyrics from Lindsey's favorite U2 song replaced the Dixie Chicks and flitted through my mind. You've been running away from what you don't understand ... Love I gripped the doorframe and tried to stay upright. Let her talk about the things you can't explain...

"Serious..." Colin's voice was a distant echo. If you want to kiss the sky, Better learn how...

High school health class taught me that nothing will artificially induce sobriety, not coffee, not cold water, not exercise, nothing. They'd forgotten to try a pair of arctic blue eyes with a glare that could corrode the silver off a dime.

Colin met Jack's eyes and everything -- all motion, all thought, all feeling, all sound -- was suspended in ice. Then the ice cracked and Jack wheeled around and straight out of the house, slamming the door behind him. I went limp against the doorframe, a pricked balloon. Lindsey and Jack were over. Great. And I didn't feel any better.

Worse.

Twice as confused as ever.

I'd seen Jack's face as he'd turned from the kitchen and I saw I'd had it all wrong before. He didn't love her. So why did that make me feel so much worse?

His ego had taken a blow and a half. His heart had taken a paper cut.

Through tear-blurred eyes I saw Colin blink, swallow. "Lindsey..." She didn't look at him. "Lindsey, I ... you ... what ... oh God." She slipped out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Colin looked at me. "What just happened?"

1. It Hurts Me Too -- Susan Tedeschi
2. There's Your Trouble -- Dixie Chicks
3. The One I Love -- Gus Kahn & Isham Jones
4. Mysterious Ways -- U2

Part 26: Conspiracy Theory

Posted on Thursday, 11 July 2002

Jack

"Where's your tie?" Julie asked sharply, coming out of her office.

"Look, I forgot. Does it really matter? I've got enough things on my mind to have to worry about that thing garroting me all afternoon," I shot back, perhaps unwisely, considering Julie is my boss.

Julie frowned and was on the verge of replying when Colin Wesley, that scumbucket, stumbled through the employee door, almost twenty minutes late.

"He's not wearing a tie -- gonna get on his case, too?"

"What's with you today, Jack? I'm starting to lose my patience with you, if you haven't noticed."

"Why don't you ask Colin..."

"Ummm ... I'm sorry about the tie, Julie. I figured it would be okay because of my sweater," the lowlife himself mumbled vaguely. He fumbled through the pockets. "No ... oh no, don't tell me I forgot my keys..." He wandered into the computer room and I followed him, deftly switching on all the lights at once. "Shhhhhi---!!! Jack! What the--- er, sorry, Julie. Damnit, where are they??"

Julie looked at him curiously but stilled his frantic search by tossing him a keyring. "You're on the perishable side tonight, right, Col?" He nodded. "Then I think this will have everything you need. Just leave them in my desk before you lock up the office tonight. Call me tomorrow if you can't find yours at home." She peered at him thoughtfully. "Are you okay there, buddy?"

"Yeah. I'm just a little ... tired."

"Well, try to take it easy," she said, patting him on the back. "I'll be around 'til about five if you need me. By the way, produce is expecting a shipment in so be sure to tell the Service Desk to stack their plastics out of the way tonight. I guess Wednesday they piled them in the truck before it had been fully unloaded, so produce wasn't too happy with them. But you know Todd hates to criticize, especially other departments, so he just asked if maybe tonight you could quietly..."

"Mmm ... sure, I'll have a word with Jon," Colin said vaguely, looking distracted.

"Thank you. Oh, and that reminds me, Jon's told me we've been having problems with those bags of baby-cut carrots again -- you know, damp and slimy. He said most people are happy to exchange them for another, but I figured I'd warn you since you're on Perishable side tonight. You better expect a few complaints. Oh, and Colin, someone in Prepared Foods is staying late to cover a shift so she'll probably need your override to punch out. The display on fourth register in the cafe just broke -- after the lunch rush, fortunately. It'll hold together okay with duct-tape, but that looks so horrible, and it's Sunday, so I doubt we'll need it again today. If you get a chance to take a look at it I bet you could get it back together." Julie paused for breath. Colin had nodded listlessly in response to the litany and I wondered how much he had actually taken in. "Let me see, is there anything else ... no, I think that's it. Your phone's at the Service Desk. Have a good night if I don't see you again." Julie smiled at him, glared at me, and left the office.

"So Colin, tired? Don't tell me it was your conscience keeping you up or anything." It was maddening, all that he could get away with. The guy is Ferris Bueller without the school principal and with his own apartment, legal drinking status, about eighteen times the women (why???) and a degree in economics. (Which is, as far as I am concerned, the art and science of making up excuses for the money not being where it's supposed to be.) But while Colin might be able to conceal a hangover from Julie, she had not been his roommate for three years of college.

To his credit, he did look uncomfortable (although some of his discomfort may owe to trying to remember everything Julie had said). "I know last night was very.... weird. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you, Jack, but --"

"No you're not."

"What?"

"You're sorry it didn't work out? Come on Colin, who are you trying to kid? You were against this from the start."

"All right. I'm not sorry it didn't work out. I'm sorry you started it in the first place and it had to end up like that." He looked at me and ventured one last point before he left. "But it didn't really matter to you in the end anyway, did it?"

"But that isn't the point," I argued as Annie Wesley unlocked a cashdrawer and removed the large bills.

"No?" Annie collected the accounting slip and clipboard from the cashier and moved on to the next.

"Look, I know he's your cousin, but you have to admit what he did is indefensible." Annie was reasonable, fair-minded, and liked me, or so I thought. And even she was freezing me out. "All right, tell me something, Anne. What did I do that was so terrible -- Why am I the bad guy?"

She bundled the cash bags into a canister and watched as it was tubed up, beginning its journey to the accounting office. "Annie?"

"You knew what you were getting into," she said finally.

"Getting into -- you mean between Lindsey and Colin?"

Annie stopped in front of an empty register and turned to me. "Be straight with it, why don't you, Jack? She's in love with him. You knew that."

"And a lot of good it's doing her, isn't it. Why is it fine that he can break her heart over and over again, but it's such a travesty when I do something to shake up the status quo?" I demanded. It was infuriating. People were never this crazy in Michigan, I was sure of it. "God, you Rochesterians are weird. Is this what happens in the land of 'almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction'? You all get chronic brain-freeze until you hit fifteen miles of reduced speed zone on the thruway?"

Annie's chin went up, and I knew now I'd done it. Upstaters, especially the ones in this city, could be insanely touchy, and it seemed I had hit a nerve. "I thought you had wanted my advice... or at least my opinion, Jack. But if you--"

"I'm sorry, Annie. But I don't understand what was so wrong about what I did."

"You saw something you liked, and you went after it. You didn't see a relationship going much of anywhere, or into much depth, but that was okay, because she didn't think so either, and you knew it. You just wanted her because... I'm not quite sure. She was in love with someone else -- with your friend, Jack -- and you knew it, but hey, then it's her fault when it's all over. She's charming, pretty, clever... a very nice girl, of course, but most importantly, just enough of a challenge to make things interesting, and the biggest obstacle, of course, was this guy... I don't know if it was arrogance, or wanting to get one up on Colin, or what. You could say to everyone 'hey, look at me, I've got the girl who's had her heartstrings tangled in Colin Wesley's shoelaces for eight years.' Well good for you Jack, and what can you say you've gotten out of it? The whole thing is so ... cheap. It's shallow. So don't you dare come crying to me when I know you don't give a damn... give or take a little wounded pride, of course."

"You don't sound as if you think much of me right now, Annie..." I blinked, bewildered. "Good lord, you're a romantic."

"No, I don't think so..."

"You're a hopeless romantic!"

"I've been disappointed too many times to be a romantic," she said quietly.

"Now Anne, you can't mean to tell me... I know being disappointed only makes a girl even more romantic, eh?"

"Maybe," she said with a fleeting ironic smile, "but being disillusioned doesn't..."

"Shut up, Jack, I don't want to hear about it."

"Does everyone have to be against me, Liz?"

"Rare as it may be, occasionally the majority is right, Jack."

"That was rather snippety, Elizabeth," I said with satisfaction. "What's gotten into you? And how's it going with Will, by the way?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Ahha, I see, it isn't going. And, um, Lizzy," I cleared my throat, "What's going on with Bing and your sister?"

Elizabeth groaned into her hands. "And I really don't want to talk about that. I don't even know, anyway. My only advice is try to stay away from it. Far away."

"Really? Has it gotten malicious? Because I've only seen Bing moping around forlornly, and your sister ... I don't know what's up with her."

Elizabeth raised her head and looked up. "I don't know either. I know she misses him, she must, but-- I don't know, Jack. That reminds me, though, there was something I wanted to see Colin about..."

"What? You think he has something to do with this? Oh man, don't tell me he's got your sister on a string too, that would just be too much."

"No, no, of course not. Jen's about the last person to fall for his line. It's about ... there's just something I wanted his advice on." She rubbed her forehead. "Is it something in the water? Everyone's gone crazy."

"No kidding. Annie gave me a heck of a tongue-lashing during her pick-up."

"Annie -- Annie Wesley? Seriously, Jack..."

"Hey, I was there. I'm willing to give her a pass on it -- I'm sure it had something to do with being shut up in the accounting office all day sitting on that tiny little stool, but--"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Good for her."

"I know, I deserved it. I'm the--"

"Jaaack... Will you stop feeling sorry for yourself? You're far from being the only one who feels like he's been screwed over recently, so stop acting like it."

Part 27: The Second Time Around...

Posted on Thursday, 11 July 2002

Elizabeth

I finally tracked down Colin hiding out in the back storeroom. "Let me guess, register noises getting to you?"

He nodded. "Beep ... beep ... beep beep beep beepbeep beeeeep..." Colin shook his head. "It was getting a little painful."

"Colin, I have to ask. How can you possibly be this hungover? No way did you have that much more to drink than I did last night, and you're bigger."

"Yeah, well ... Annie took me home with her and I helped myself to Will's liquor cabinet," he admitted. "Great Scotch. Will's done the same with me plenty of times so I figured he'd be okay with it."

"Which begs the question ... what happened last night that made you think getting even drunker would be a good idea? Jack's been griping all afternoon, and Annie mentioned something, but I haven't gotten the whole story."

Colin looked down and scuffled at the skid marks on the floor. I waited. Finally he shrugged, eyes still on the floor. "I get so confused..."

And that was evidently all I'd be getting out of him for now. Well, I'd have to postpone that interrogation awhile, but there was still something I needed to discuss with him. "Got a minute?"

"Lizzy ... I don't want to talk about it."

"No ... this is about my sister. Please. I promise I won't pester you." For now.

He softened. "Sorry, Liz. What's wrong?" He slid to the floor, utterly disregarding the dust, and tugged at my reluctant hand. With my foot I nudged over a piece of cardboard to sit on and allowed him to pull me down as well. "Ah, that's better," said Colin, leaning against the wall and drawing his arms around his knees. The resounding crash of shattering glass -- a lot of shattering glass -- told us someone from the Service desk was on a bottle run. Colin winced. "Well, that wasn't--" Another crash proceeded from the dumpster room. We waited, and sure enough, heard a great deal of thumping across the catwalk and dumpster, two more crashes, and the loud, breezy voices of Jon, the high school senior who's the night manager of Customer Service, and Dan, another Desk worker and a college freshman. There followed what sounded like a veritable water-war with a high-powered hose, but was probably just them rinsing out the barrels. A few more thumps and smaller crashes intimated that Dan was practicing bar tricks with the beer bottles.

"Oh God, are they done yet??" Colin asked when the noise ceased, finally opening his pain-screwed eyes. The door to the dumpster room flew open with a resounding kick from Dan.

"Hey Colin! Hey Lizzy!" Jon shouted, causing Colin to groan. Dan shoved a barrel through the door too fast and it toppled over, the heavy metal lip hitting the concrete hard. "Julie's going home soon, but if you still want to leave your phone with us we can just park your calls like you said," Jon continued cheerfully.

"Thank you..."

"Eh, did you get hammered last night?" Dan called. "Ohhhh man, I know how that is. No wonder you don't to take any calls tonight. But you gotta come back out sometime so see you soon, right Col? Hey, don't worry about a thing -- we've got your back."

"Thank you, thank you very much, boys," said Colin wearily, and the two made their way out of the backroom, but not before Jon crashed into a General Merchandise display and knocked it on its side.

Colin looked at me pitifully. "When did the Service Desk get this loud?"

"They always have been, Colin, you've just never been in a condition to appreciate it quite so much."

He made an distressed noise. "So what's this with Lynda?"

"No, not Lynda -- for once -- it's about Jen?"

"What? Oh, the Bing Thing... I don't know what to tell you, Lizzy. I can't understand it at all."

"Neither can I... she took a toss over him, I know she did. She felt deeply-- Colin, she loved him. I could swear she did, I saw it. But now..."

"Jen's reserved. She never shows the strength of her feelings. I don't think I'd call this reassuring, exactly, but I have no doubt she feels a lot more than she might be letting on. Except why, exactly, is this bothering you, Liz?"

"It's not about what she isn't showing; it's about what she is. Sometimes I do think she misses Bing more than she'd like to admit, but other times... I swear Colin, she looks almost... radiant. And that's what I can't understand..."

"Almost radiant..." Colin looked at me, "almost in love."

"No, I don't-- it can't-- yes." I cleared my throat. "And that's where I need your input Colin..." I realized I had given into my nervous bad habit of shredding things with my hands. An entire piece of yellow legal pad paper lay in confetti across my lap. I took a breath and continued. "Jen's been on the phone every night for the past week and a half and out of nowhere this morning she tells me she's going to Lexington next weekend. Now, I doubt she has a particular feeling for Revolutionary War skirmish sites right now, but she may well have a particular feeling for one up-and-coming associate partner in a Boston law firm..."

Colin shifted. "Oh."

"Colin..."

He shook his head.

"Come on Colin, how many people do you know who live in Lexington? I only know one, and he's--"

"No, I'm sure that it is my brother," he said calmly.

"And?"

"And what, Elizabeth? There was something between them for a while in high school, you know that, and I've always thought there may have been something when they were in college... Jen and Fletch are both so discreet; there's no reason to think just because no one knew about anything nothing ever happened, Elizabeth. You know, just a couple days ago I got an email from Fletcher and he never said anything about your sister, which I think proves my point."

"University of Michigan, Ohio State," I murmured. "You really think so?"

"Could have been. But that isn't the issue. The point is -- why do you think this is a problem?"

"Why wouldn't I? Colin! What about Bing?!"

"What about him? Look, I don't know the whole story -- and no, I'm not asking you to tell me, I know you can't -- but it looks like he blew his chance. His second chance, as a matter of fact..."

"Colin," I said sharply, "when did I tell you it was his second chance?"

"You didn't. Something Will said a month or two ago and I mentally extrapolated."

Will knew? How much? When? And had he done something to influence Bing? -- in one direction or another ... I hadn't a clue as to the answers to these questions and wasn't sure I wanted one right now. Sometime, when I'd had more time to think about it all, I'd have Colin tell me what he knew. But not now.

"Are you going to say anything to her?" Colin asked.

"Jen? No ... not in the sense I think you mean. It'll be just like she's visiting an old friend, and for all we know, that could be all it is. I think it's better to leave it alone for now." He nodded in agreement. "So Colin, should I take it you are..."

"... In favor of Fletch?" He stood up and offered me a hand. "Oh course. He's my brother." He paused. "Though even if he weren't ... I think I'd say the same thing. Jen has been more than generous with his foibles and he still screwed up. She's your sister. Wouldn't you say she deserves better than that?"

"So I take it you don't believe in second chance, Colin?" I asked slowly as we left the backroom and walked back into the store.

"You could say that. If Bing couldn't see his way clear to get it right with Jen the first or even the second time, it's his fault, his loss. Why should she have to wait around for him to screw it up again?"

If Bing can't see his way clear??? Oh Colin... I found it unfathomable that anyone could be so determinedly oblivious as he was. I knew it. Annie knew it. Even Jack knew it; everyone knew Lindsey was in love with Colin except this charming idiot. "Keep that in mind, my friend," I said dryly. "Fortunately, you have an appreciation for the ironic." I glanced at him. Colin was absorbed in rearranging a display of imported cheeses and had not, it seemed, comprehended a word I'd said.

"Aaaaaaaattention customers! Please check your carts..." Jon enthusiastically proceeded to reel off the "lost shopping cart" page in his very best game show host voice.

Bertram Burg, Billy's more sensible but antisocial older brother, looked disapproving. "Can't they be more serious?"

"Ah, lighten up, Bert," I smiled. They were good kids, really.

"Berrrrtraam Burg, grocery night manager, please come to the Customer Service Desk, at your leisure. Bert, to the Service Desk -- a delivery -- is waiting."

"Thaaaaank you Bert," Dan piped in at the end of Jon's page.

Bert looked at me. "At my leisure??"

I sighed. All right, so maybe he does have a small point.

"Ah, Lizzy." I turned to see Colin walking towards me. "I've been wondering... I don't think Jack is too happy with me now..."

"Nope."

"I don't know ... do you think I should say anything to him? Not apologise, of course, but--"

"Oh no, not apologise, of course -- Colin Wesley can do no wrong. Why would he apologise?"

We turned. "Jack..." I warned. "Don't get into it."

"I think I am going to get into it, Elizabeth. I've been blasted by everyone all day long and I don't even see how anything is my fault. Meanwhile Colin -- oh, poor baby's got a hangover and he didn't do a thing wrong."

"I'm beginning to see why Lindsey dumped you," said Colin thoughtfully. "Although what I can't understand is how she could have put up with you this long in the first place."

Groaning, I managed to shepherd them into the computer room where at least we could have a little privacy.

"She dumped me, Colin? I thought you were there too -- oh wait, you were in body but not by a long shot fully in mind."

"Well maybe she didn't exactly dump you right there, but come on, Jack, anyone could have seen it coming for a long time."

"Ah, so you foresaw all this, Nostradamus? Forgive me, but how is then that you've managed to miss a few things the rest of us have seen quite clearly--"

"Jack," I hissed, "not now..."

He shrugged. "All right, no one yet has had the heart to tell this twerp what he should very well know and who am I to do it now? He doesn't deserve it."

I prayed Colin would demand to be told what he should know. He didn't.

"You don't deserve her!" he shot back.

Jack's eyes narrowed. "And do you?"

"She was wasting her time with you and I know she knew it too."

"That doesn't answer my question, does it?"

"I'm getting to that. She trusts me. She can depend on me. Can you say the same?"

"What the hell kind of an answer is that, Colin? Admit it, whatever you were doing with Lindsey you were no more serious than I was."

A dangerous spark of anger lit in Colin's eyes. "Doing with her? I'm her friend. News to you, I know, but friends do things together. I was doing nothing wrong. However, when you say you were stringing her along, Jack ... what else don't I know about? Huh, good thing I was there then, wasn't it?"

Jack exploded. I caught him as he lunged for Colin. "Now now," I said, extremely vexed. "You know it isn't right to strike a man as hungover as Colin is-- Colin! You too ... Now, can you boys let it go for tonight? Otherwise I'm going to have to do something drastic ... like ask Jon to page Bert to get in here. And let me tell you, that'll put him in a bad enough mood as it is."

Jack stalked out of the office and slammed the door behind him. Colin looked at me very seriously and closed his eyes. "Lizzy ... I think I'm going to be sick again."

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