Elizabeth Bennet closed the door behind her and having put her bag on the kitchen table opened the fridge to get herself a drink. It was another lonely Friday night. White wine was what she needed. With a glass in her hand she went to unpack her bag. It contained milk, cereals, some fruits and another bottle of white wine. It was good to have something like white wine in the fridge just in case... of a really bad mood. Another sip of wine reminded her of the silence in the room. She turned on the radio.
There is a grief that can't be spoken.
There is a pain that goes on and on.
Empty chairs and empty tables.
Now my friends are dead and gone.
"Why was it that whenever she was down, the song on the radio was depressive too?" That was a mystery indeed. She has been here for the last five weeks and for the first time she felt how far away she was, away from the world she knew, from the people she associated with for the last six years, from Will Darcy. At the very start of her stay in Edinburgh, all seemed new and interesting. She wasn't bored, she went around the town, admired the buildings and galleries but now, after 5 weeks she had seen almost everything worth seeing and a lot of this what was not worth seeing. The Royal Mile was her work place. In a little gallery close to the Holyrood Castle she spent all her day, then she would take a bus home and... sleep. Sometimes, during the weekends, she would take a trip to the North to see the beautiful castles and landscape of Scotland and occasional in the evenings, she would go to a pub with some colleague from the gallery. Otherwise it was a rather boring existence. She consoled herself with the thought that next year she'd be accepted for the research scholarship in France and at last she would be doing what she really wanted to do. What a pity, she was alone here. She looked around the room and remembered the lively and happy evenings at Cambridge when she and Will... yes Will. Will was one of the few things in her life that didn't work out. They had been best friends ever since she could remember. They were in the same high school, then college and finally at Cambridge. At first he was just a friend and it probably would have stayed that way if it hadn't been for that fact that Will Darcy started dating Caroline. And only then did Elizabeth understand that she wasn't prepared to share Will with anyone and especially not with some other girl. Caroline and Will broke up after two years but Elizabeth didn't know how to tell her best friend that being friends with him was just not enough. Cambridge years were wonderful. They spent a lot of time together, they talked and walked and joked and sat in pubs and did all a couple would do except that they weren't one. Will had his bunch of male friends like his cousin Richard or Charles and together with Elizabeth's sister, Jane, they dreamt about the future, made plans and formed projects.
Here, they talked of Revolution
Here it was, they looked the flame
Here, they sang about tomorrow
And tomorrow never came.
It was supposed to be their future together. Little came out of it. Jane went for a year to teach English in China. Charles was still at Cambridge preparing for a Ph.D. Richard was... well Richard was all over the place because he decided to have a year off before he started his 'serious life' and Will... Will got to his top-notch trainee programme in some City bank and in no time he would be buying an apartment on the last floor in some Dockland building overlooking the river Thames. But she was not to see it. She would not be by his side. Sooner or later he would find himself a thin, good-looking blonde with blue eyes who will be a star at his parties and will entertain his rich and elegant guests.
From the table in the corner
They could see a world reborn
And they rose with voices ringing
As for herself, well, sooner or later she'll be able not to think about Will everyday. He'll be just a wonderful memory. She'll never be able to love any man as she loved Will but in some time she'll meet someone who will be gentle and who'll care for her, respect her, maybe even love her and she too will love him in a way. And they'll be happy. As happy as one can be in such circumstances as her own. She too will see the world reborn and maybe her voice will be ringing too, professing love to some other man. She almost began praying that she would never meet Will Darcy again because that way it was easier to forget him.
And I can hear them now
The very words that they had sung
Became their last communion
In the lonely barricade, they are gone.
Her dreams about her happy future with Will were gone. And she was now a lonely barricade that stood against herself, trying to fight off the feeling that was within her. And she knew she would manage. She was tough, she always was. There was nothing she couldn't do, if she forced herself. Then why was she backing up, giving up on Will. Maybe there were doubts within her. Doubts that they were not made for each other, that if they didn't hit it off at first sight, it would never work. Oh my friends, my friends forgive me. And yet, there was this force, this drive, that made her remember him. That I live and you are gone. Every time she closed her eyes, he was there. There is a grief that can't be spoken. Strong, smiling. There is a pain that goes on and on. It was a view, she couldn't forget. Phantom faces of the window. Phantom shadows on the floor.
She had to admit to herself that she had fantasised about him. About herself being in his arms. Together. Curled up. Touching. Smelling. Kissing. There was no one else in her dreams. Just him. She would imagine herself in bed with him. His hands gliding over her body. His lips caressing her lightly. His body pressed against hers. His name on her lips...
Empty chairs and empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more
Oh my friends, my friends don't ask me
What your sacrifice was for.
Empty chairs and empty tables
Where my friends will sing no more.
She looked out of the window into the drops of the thin rain. Was there a chance...