Posted on Wednesday, 26 June 2002,
Sometimes at night she would especially love to do this. She would creep slowly down the stairs after taking a quick look into her sisters' room then her mother's and while she did her dark brown eyes looked at them seriously, lovingly with a fixed gaze. Each one of them she cared about deeply in their own way. After opening the front door to their cottage, she exhaled sharply in the cold midnight air and finally was free.
She was always known as the sensible one, the one others would depend on for advice, but now she did not know what to do. What distinctly made this worse is that when someone becomes the one others depend on, they think they don't need to depend on anyone. She walked slowly taking in the air and breathed in deeply with tears glittering in her eyes mimicking the stars. The stars were so bright and beautiful and full of promises for dreams to become. She clutched her shawl closer into her body while taking a look down on the grass. It would be winter soon. She could feel it with every core of her body. The icy chill swam around her body and as she closed her eyes she could feel it inside of her soul.
Opening her eyes, a tear spilled down her cheek. People did not know she liked to do this. She was so sensible they didn't think she dreamt. They didn't think she dreamt of knight of shining armor with a shy smile and graceful clumsiness about him. They didn't know she dreamt of a day when he would come to visit her to bring her little sister a present. Instead they received a note of apology or rather she did. A note that she stole and memorized the handwriting and only wished he would have been honest with her with another one. But, he hadn't lied to her, hadn't he? After all, all they were friends or mere acquaintances. Yet she had wanted so much more than that. What she wanted in life was so beautiful and wonderful that sometimes she tried not to dream it herself for the fear of disappointment.
She wanted to live in a small house with two or three children all of them with laughing brown eyes and the house was filled with everything she possibly could need. She wanted to tell her children stories, sing to them at night and teach them the basic lessons of right and wrong. She would lovingly console their woes and when they fell down she would try to pick them back up again. She would laugh at their bad joshing and pretend to grimace when they brought creatures into her house. She would revile in their successes and try to help them overcome their mistakes. In every season they would be her dearest ones for now and forever. When they grew and decided to dedicate themselves to someone forever she would know that the love she gave them would allow them to be something someone else needed.
She sighed and looked at the moon and wiped away a tear in her eye. It was foolish to ponder such things, but for now she could not help herself and after tonight it would be over.
Her husband would be one of the most honest men she ever knew. She knew he had his weaknesses, but no matter how timid he may be at times she knew that one look from his brown eyes could take her breath away. They would enjoy long, lazy walks together at the beginning of their marriage and share their hopes and dreams while building their deepest desires around their life. Later in their marriage, they would laugh at the children together, talk about their problems and grow closer for it. She could see him in her vision's eye growing older, but even dearer to her. They would disagree, but she knew that somehow no matter the trifles and heartaches included in loving someone it would be worth the rest of her life living it.
When she closed her eyes at night she could see him now walking towards her ever so shyly, his eyes desperately trying to avoid her glance. For she knew that if they ever truly looked at each other eye to eye there is no way they could lie and hide about how they felt about each other anymore. Or at least she couldn't. He would look at her and say, "Miss Dashwood, I-." But she would break off what he had to say and gasp in overwhelming emotion of seeing his presence there beside her. She would even be so forward to tell him to never leave her again.
But, that was the romantic part of her. Somehow her sensible side always managed to retain her, yet she still wished. She looked at the stars again and this time her tears were freely flowing. She loved Edward Ferrars with every fiber of her being and she knew she would never love like that again. Isn't it amazing how a simple look, a simple touch, a simple smile can affect you so? Although it sounded something like her sister Marianne would say, for just tonight she would cry. Tomorrow she would be strong, but tonight she would mourn. She would mourn the children she never would have, the happiness she never would feel, and the love she had lost. After all, you may love someone, but what do you do when they love and will marry someone else?
She sighed and wiped her tears away and pulled her shawl in closer about to turn inside. Hesitating her dark blonde hair waved in the moonlight while her eyes searched for something that she would never have the right to say aloud.
"Goodnight, Edward," she whispered and the next words she said trembled on her lips with sweet sincerity. "I love you."
And maybe, just maybe, someone else with dark brown eyes and shyly dreamed and wished under the same stars while saying the same words too.