Beginning, Previous Section, Section VIII, Next Section
Author's Note: I'd like to thank everyone who even after a year still reads my story, posts a message and e-mails me. Special thanks to Doni (my husband), Amanda (my daughter) and Chris (who patiently keeps helping me with this story).
Elizabeth closed her eyes and held onto her own strength. She would not faint, she could not. She had to calm herself down, if not for her, at least for the child she was bearing. His child! No, she refused to think of this, of Darcy now. She breathed deeply once, twice. The last notes of Georgiana's music then reached her ears and she felt the first tears inundating her eyes. Despite being dizzy, she knocked the desk with all the vigour she still could gather and allowed herself to cry for some time.
Her sobbing could not last longer though, as she knew that her sister would come to her in few minutes. She thus wiped the tears from her eyes by using the back of her hands and quickly gathered the sheets of the letter, which she had spread over the table. Hardly had she put the missive inside a book and Georgiana knocked lightly on the door before stepping into the room.
"I hope I have not bored you to tears, Elizabeth." She stopped upon seeing her sister's face. "Are you unwell? For God's sake, you look as pale as a sheet!" She quickly walked to Elizabeth's side, but desisted from doing it half way through. Spinning around, she moved towards the door, "I shall call Mrs. Reynolds."
"No, please! It is not necessary." Elizabeth promptly interrupted her. "I thank you. I shall be better in few minutes, Georgie." She motioned for the young lady to sit down.
Still studying Elizabeth's face, Georgiana took a seat opposite the desk. She soon noticed Elizabeth's red eyes and nose and could not help inquiring, "I beg your pardon for insisting, but are you certain that everything is well with you?"
"Yes, it is only a headache." She waved as though dismissing the subject.
"I hope you have not received bad tidings." Georgiana pointed out at the other letters, which were still on the table,
Indeed! Elizabeth wanted to shout. However, she should be very careful if she did not wish Georgiana to know the real reasons of "her headache" - she had learnt that Georgiana could be as an accurate observer as Darcy, probably a good feature of reserved people in general. Therefore, she did her best to wear a nonchalant face before continuing,
"Oh no, dear! Only congratulations on my recent marriage." She winked and smiled a little. If Georgiana knew how bitter that smile was, how her effort to grin had been Herculean. "I believe I spent too much time reading and writing, this is all." Despite a light feeling of dizziness, Elizabeth stood up and discreetly leaned herself on the desk for support. Raising her head, she forced herself to grin anew and then proceeded, "If you will excuse me, I think I shall retire to my chamber and repose till luncheon." Having said so, she picked up the book which she had hidden the letter in and moved towards Georgiana.
"Of course! As you wish. I shall accompany you to your room." Georgiana immediately left her seat to take her sister's arm on hers. She was still a little distressed because of Elizabeth's health, but convinced as she was that such "illness" was related to Darcy's absence (although the lady did not wish to admit it openly, her dreamy and longing countenance did just that), Georgiana felt happy for both of them.
They crossed Pemberley House and went upstairs talking about Georgiana's practice. As soon as she saw herself alone in her chamber, Elizabeth collapsed in the bed and allowed herself to look at the ceiling of the canopy feeling absolutely lost - she could think of nothing, she was not even able to cry. To use a cliché, she felt as if the ground had opened under her feet. However, to prolong her agony, the abysm refused to swallow her, making her feel more desperate endeavouring to escape it. Elizabeth, the one who never dwelled upon things that could not be answered easily, could not allow this horrible story to fade away. Actually, the only sentence that came clearly to her mind was, What should I do?
After few minutes, she noticed she was still holding tight the book over her chest. Releasing the book, she took out the missive and unfolded it. Her exasperation grew to the lengths of the unbearable, yet she remained firm and read the missive once again,
London, 10th of January , 1812.Dear Mrs. Darcy,
I hope you will forgive me for taking the liberty of addressing you without a previous acquaintance, madam. However, the importance of the matter I am obliged to reveal prevails over the rules of propriety.
My name is Emily Hargraves and I am originally from a small village in Leicestershire. My father was the rector of this parish, next to Willowside Manor, the estate of Lord Corbel. Due to our relationship with the Corbels, who were my father's patrons, I met the man who would bring me happiness, but also would be my ruin.
In the Autumn of 1805, Lord Corbel's son came home with three friends, whose acquaintance he had formed at the time he had attended Cambridge. Many dinner parties were given by the family then and my own one, because of my father's position, was invited to some of them. In the first one we were present at, one of the gentlemen singled me out - he was very handsome, gentle and his good disposition quite early enchanted me. His name was Fitzwilliam Darcy, from Derbyshire.
His attentions to me were renewed in the couple of times we met at the Corbel's and, after a week, he started to visit me at the Parsonage as well. I attempted to sever the relationship, conscious as I was that the difference of our situations in life would prevent him from forming any serious attachment to me. It was in vain though - he forced "casual" meetings and won out my resistance and good judgment. By the time of his departure in the beginning of December, I was already deeply in love with him and I believed then that my feelings were reciprocated.
We secretly exchanged missives till his return to Willowside Manor in the following March, when he proposed marriage to me. At first I refused his proposal, as his father had not given his consent and I knew that under such circumstances my father would not give his either. He finally convinced me that the only way to persuade our families was to elope. So did we - Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy and I married in Gretna Green on the 8th of April of 1806.
After the wedding, we established ourselves at a small house on _______ Street, while we were waiting for the old Mr. Darcy's blessing. I wrote to my parents to tell about the marriage and ask their forgiveness, but my father forbade me from even writing to them again - he said I was considered dead.
In the end of the third month, my husband did not come home one night. Instead, I was sent a missive explaining that he had gone to Derbyshire because his father was seriously ill and that he would send a carriage to fetch me as soon as it was possible. Two months passed by without any news from him, though - the letters I sent to the address he had given me were all returned.
I was already despairing, since the money he had left me was in its end as well as I was bearing his child, when I came across him one morning. He was leaving an elegant house next to Grovenor Square and pretended not to see me. He only acknowledged me after I had threatened him with a scandal. On a second thought, I believe I should have allowed him to go, because the horrible things he told me that morning still have the power of hurting me.
Mr. Darcy confessed then that our marriage had been false - he had forged the license and paid a person to pass as a clergyman because "being the simpleton" I was, I would never have consented to be his mistress. Furthermore, he said he would never marry a "nobody's daughter", that connecting his family to mine would be a disgrace to the Darcys' name. To add insult to injury, he denied that the child I was bearing was his and left me without even looking back.
I grew desperate and fell ill for a couple of days. After having improved a little, I grabbed the money I still had and looked for a solicitor. He confirmed that the marriage license was false and that there was nothing else I could do. Afterwards, I endeavoured to approach my parents anew, but my father sent back closed all the letters I wrote to them.
My son was born in March of 1807. We have survived since then thanks to the charity of my mother's youngest sister, who lives in the North. Were it not for her, I would not be able to even raise my head while walking on the streets. Of Mr. Darcy I had not heard anything till I read about his imminent wedding to you on an old newspaper, a couple of weeks ago - by that time, you were already married and in your honeymoon trip.
I struggled for two weeks whether I should write to you about this, madam. I did not know what could be changed, since you were already married. However, I could not be silenced, his true character needed to be exposed. Perchance you are like him and may not even care - after all, everything happened such a long time ago and I am a "nobody's daughter". I leave it to yourself to determine.
I only beg you not to think that I wrote this for either revenge or to take any material advantage of any of you. Mr. Darcy does not matter to me anymore. I am finally free of his phantom. Just in case you may doubt my word, I am enclosing the false license of marriage - it bears no use for me. Moreover, with the exception of my current address, you have all the necessary details if further information is required.
Yours & etc,
Emily Hargraves
"What should I do?" Elizabeth felt strangely betrayed. The first time she had read Miss Hargraves' missive, she had thought it was a joke. Still, the subsequent readings had showed her that she had something of a very serious nature in her hands. There were dates, names and places, even the infamous false license to corroborate which had being narrated by the lady - it was impossible not to recognise Darcy's signature and seal on it.
Perchance most married ladies would not care about what they would consider their "husbands' foolishness" , but that was not the way Elizabeth conceived the matter. If this was a true story, Darcy had abominably abused Miss Hargraves' confidence - he had persuaded her to elope, performed a false wedding to seduce her and abandoned her with his child some months later without any consideration. And Elizabeth would not be able to close to her eyes to such a horrible conduct. Not after having trusted him with her heart.
Truly, this description of Darcy's dark side did not fit the man she had learned to love and admire. However, it could be applied to that Darcy she had met at the Assembly in Meryton - proud, disdainful, avoiding any contact with people who circulated "under his sphere". "Oh, who are you after all, Fitzwilliam Darcy?" She pounded on the mattress in pure frustration. "A respectable man or a villain? Oh, how could I have been so stupid as to consent to this marriage, to love you without really knowing you."
Elizabeth sighed. The situation now could not be more confusing. "And I had thought I was happy." She sadly contemplated which was ahead of her and endeavoured to see how her marriage would be from this moment on. People sometimes made mistakes, but she knew she could not admit to be married to such a man, as she would not be able to respect him any longer. And what would it be of her, of her child in a household where there would only be disrespect and contempt, where husband and wife could just be in each other's company for society's sake?
In the end of the afternoon, Elizabeth already knew the paragraphs of the letter by heart. She felt miserable, yet a resolution had already been taken: she still did not know how, but she would be obliged to inquire Darcy about the affair. She knew he would probably deny any responsibility, yet there ways and ways of rejecting something and she would be alert to obtain the truth from it. Only after this she should be able to reach a conclusion and do whatever she would have to. Lying down in her bed, she caressed her stomach and whispered, "I shall solve this, little one. For me and for you."
Small park next to Gracechurch Street, London
The same day
It had not snowed for four days and the man wandering around the small park was blessing the weather for this. For two days he had come here and observed the blonde lady play with some children. Because of the cold weather and the still slippery ground, their games had resumed to the ones that did not involve running, and the lady and her little mates had also remained there for not more than half an hour. It had been a short time indeed, still seeing her face blush because of the excitement and the faint sun rays and chilly wind play with her golden hair, even from a significant distance, had been enough to warm his heart, melting the sorrow and regret which had been haunting him for almost a couple of months.
To be exact, hope had started to shine anew to Charles Edward Bingley upon his arrival in Town on the first days of January. Hardly had his valet unpacked his things and he had to repack them - the missive received from Darcy urged him to go in pursue of the lady he had thought as forever lost for him.
I confess my interference upon your affair with Miss Bennet was very inconvenient. I should never have talked to you about things I had little knowledge of. Darcy had written. Naturally, at that time I had thought I could surely state that Miss Bennet did not have formed any strong attachment to you during our stay in Hertfordshire. However, now I can affirm that I was absolutely erroneous. Due to events which I shall not waste your time relating, I am convinced that you should seek your happiness with Miss Bennet, if you still hold her in the high regard you did before departing from Netherfield Park.
Bingley grinned upon recollecting his hasty journey to Hertfordshire, yet not so indiscreet as to disclose his real intention to his sisters - aware as he was they did not approve of his choice (he still remembered the argument with Caroline about the Bennets girls, upon her knowledge of Darcy's wedding), he had told them that he would spend some time with a friend, Mr. Ronald Jerrold, in order to know Miss Jerrold better.
Also wishing to be incognito in Hertfordshire, he disguised himself as a merchant while staying at the local inn in Meryton - first, he wished to be sure that Miss Bennet was at Longbourn, and more important, not engaged, to later show himself. His prudence had proved to be the best action, since Jane Bennet was not at home indeed. She had left to London with her uncle and aunt right after Christmas.
Bingley had then grown desperate to return to Town, which he could only do after having spent more two days in Meryton, the time it took his valet to become acquainted with Mr. Philips (Miss Bennet's uncle) and get him drunk in the local pub in order to obtain Miss Bennet's direction in London. However, his being in Town again did not mean that he could see Miss Bennet - having not been introduced to her relatives before, he could not pay a visit on Gracechurch Street. Therefore, he spent two days riding around her relatives' house searching for a way to approach Miss Bennet.
The solution for his predicament had emerged two days ago, when the lady had left her relatives' house and, together with a boy and two girls, walked towards the small park only two quarters down. Since then, he had prayed for days without snow and had rehearsed all the things he would like to tell her. And today seemed to be the right occasion to go to her - he had already overcome his fears and was already used to her sight anew, which meant he would not do something foolish to drive her away from him. If she loved him, he would know at last; if she did not, he felt calm and sure of himself enough to win her out.
Sighing deeply, he strode purposely towards the bench where Miss Bennet had taken a seat while observing the children playing some feet away. "Miss Bennet?" He asked in a low voice.
So distracted was she that listening to her name being called made her jump. She then turned to her left waiting to meet an old acquaintance. Upon seeing who the gentleman was, she could not help exclaiming, "Mr. Bingley!"
He smiled openly, "What a delightful surprise!"
Having been caught unguarded, Jane's eyes were shining, displaying all her amazement, but also the happiness for seeing him again. "Indeed, sir!" The following seconds were then spent in recognition, in uniting the image of each other that they had stored in their hearts to the real ones in front of them. Their activity must have called the children's attention, because they commenced to giggle, making the couple blush furiously.
A conversation was then initiated, although neither of them could later remember who had started it. The fact is that Bingley ended up escorting Jane and the children home. Mrs. Gardiner, thankful for such a "gallantry" and naturally perceiving the gentleman's interest in Jane, invited him for tea. When Bingley left the Gardiners' later, with an invitation for dinner on the following day, he was absolutely sure that it would not take him much to propose marriage to "his angel". "Thank you, Darcy!" He screamed inside his coach on his way home.
Pemberley
The same day
Elizabeth woke up dismayed - she had dreamed that Darcy was hunting her around an open camp in order to steal the baby she cradled in her arms. Looking around her, she realised she had fell asleep in the armchair in front of the fireplace. She sadly shook her head upon thinking of why she must have had such a nightmare. Soon afterwards, the clock in the mantelpiece stroke midnight. She then stood up hastily, "Lord, he must have already arrived and I missed him. It can not be. I have to talk to him tonight."
She quickly crossed the room and opened the adjoining door to Darcy's chamber. Nobody was there, but the lit fireplace meant that the master was being expected. She then returned to her own room and paced around it for few minutes. "Is it possible he is still not home?" She wondered. "Perhaps he is still in his library, checking his business before coming upstairs to rest." Decided to check, she resolutely left her chamber and went downstairs towards her husband's library.
Her guessing did not prove wrong, as through the open door of the library she glimpsed Darcy serving himself with some liquid. She was going to enter when she noticed that her husband was not alone - she saw Darcy take a place next to Col. Fitzwilliam in front of the fireplace. They must have just arrived from the trip to the north of the county and the colonel would probably spend the night at Pemberley. Hardly had she stepped through the door when a statement from the colonel stopped her.
"I could understand you giving me a letter to be delivered to Elizabeth if you did not survive that damn duel. Yet I could not conceive why you also gave me a letter to Bingley."
"You know he is one of my best friends, Richard." Darcy explained somewhat uncomfortable.
"Yes, I do. Even so, why not a letter to Georgiana, who is your sister? Or a letter to me, one of your best friends too?" The colonel joked.
"I give up. You have trapped me." Darcy grinned a little. "Because we did not part in good terms the last time we talked."
"Bingley and you? I can not believe it! You are his idol!" The colonel was all astonishment.
"Do not exaggerate, cousin. It was serious." Darcy retorted.
"But what happened exactly?"
"I did not approve of his choice of wife and we had an argument." Bingley's sad eyes that night after the Netherfield Ball, when they argued about the inconvenience of Bingley marrying Jane Bennet, still tormented him. He hoped that his friend had already his missive and solved this matter with Miss Bennet positively.
"Ah, I knew a lady was involved. Pray tell me. Why did you not approve of her?"
The silence that followed the colonel's question made Elizabeth impatient. She could not believe she was eavesdropping their conversation, still she could not help it. Darcy ended her misery by continuing,
"The lady could not be more inappropriate - lack of connections, an uncle is a country attorney, another is in trade and lives in Cheapside. Not to mention the dreadful parents and sisters who had not the least sense of decorum or good manners." Darcy knew these things by heart. How many times had he recited them to himself while struggling with his feelings to Elizabeth, before his proposal?
"Well, it seems the lady had nothing to recommend ..."
"But herself." Darcy completed. "However, she seemed not to care about Bingley the way he did about her, so I was forced to tell him that the lady did not love him. He became devastate, as you can guess. He left the place where we were on the following day and afterwards I engaged myself into the duel with Wickham and the marriage with Elizabeth. Therefore, we have not spoken since that night."
"You can say you saved him from the inconveniences of a most imprudent marriage, Darcy." The colonel concluded for his cousin.
"My thoughts exactly at that time." Before acknowledging my own feelings concerning a member of this inconvenient family. Before marrying into the same inconvenient family. Before noticing how much I was wrong about Miss Bennet's regard towards Bingley. Darcy smiled grievously.
Elizabeth was abashed. Rage was burning her inside, threatening to explode in any moment. Darcy had deceived, seduced and abandoned a young lady. He had deliberately separated Bingley from Jane based on questionable premises, destroying the chances of happiness of her most beloved sister and of his very gullible and easily influenced friend. Lord knew what else he might have done and still could do. Finally, blind by wrath, she made her entrance in the library while they were sipping from their goblets.
"Oh, forgive me. I did not know there was anybody here. I have come to grab a book." She spoke quickly, her heart beating fast. "Good evening, Col. Fitzwilliam. Good evening my husband.
The gentlemen promptly raised and bowed to her. Darcy firstly thought it strange her formal tone, still conceiving that she was joking, he motioned to walk to her and take her hand , but she stopped him by raising her head and saying,
"Please, I beg you to forgive my interference. Still, having been raised by dreadful parents who do not have the least sense of decorum or manners, one could not expect a different behaviour." She winked at two astonished gentlemen. Scarcely controlling her shaking hands, she continued, "Good night, gentlemen." Elizabeth curtsied and then left the room running, before they could see the tears in her face.
The colonel also thought that Elizabeth was joking. He only perceived that something very serious had just occurred when he saw Darcy, still slightly faltering because of the wound in his knee, ran out of the room and after Elizabeth, desperately shouting her name. Suddenly, Darcy's words about the family of Bingley's lady stroke him: Not to mention the dreadful parents and sisters who had not the least sense of decorum or good manners. "The same words Elizabeth used to talk about her own family. Oh!" He slapped his head. "Damnation! Bingley's lady must be one of Elizabeth's sisters." He then passed his hands in his hair, "And Elizabeth must have listened to all Darcy's accounts on the matter." He stared at the open door, still amazed at which had transpired.
After few minutes, he moved towards the side table and served himself with brandy. Taking the goblet to his lips, he swallowed the content of the glass at once. Then, sadly shaking his head, he stated, "Be prepared Darcy, because if you find her, you will have a very hard time with her."
Darcy hastily ran out of his library in pursue of Elizabeth, as fast as his wounded knee allowed him. He had to find her and explained whatever she had heard - he was convinced that as soon as she listened to him, she would understand that all the things he had done related to Bingley were with the best intentions. Despite his assurance, he could not avoid feeling a little afraid of her reaction lest she might have heard something about his interference upon Miss Bennet's affair. Aware of how much Elizabeth loved her eldest sister, Darcy knew that any explanation here could be painful and difficult. Still, he was confident that Elizabeth would end up realising his point - she was a sensible person and would not allow herself to be blinded by her dedication to her sister.
In which her family was concerned, had he not seen her look of reproach regarding her family's behaviour in almost all the events they had attended? Surely she was forced to agree with him. He only had to be careful and point out that he disapproved of her family, not of her. Perhaps now it is the perfect time for her to know that this was one of the reasons that had made me overcome my reluctance and married her.
Having conquered the steps of the staircase, he limped through the large corridor, respectfully facing the portraits of his ancestors until stopping in front of his wife's chamber. Concluding that his knocking would draw the servant's attention, he thus decided to approach her by calling from the adjoining door to his room. He had to knock thrice before obtaining a reply, though.
"Please, go away, sir. I do not wish to talk to anyone."
Although Elizabeth's words were very clear about her desire for not seeing him, her polite tone did not allow him to infer what her real feelings were. He thought of giving up for the night and attempt a new approach on the following day, this way she would have had time to think things over as well as cool off a little.
Or the result may be the opposite - she may be even angrier and resented than now and refuse to listen to reason. Therefore, he insisted, "Elizabeth, please. There may be things that were misunderstood by you and I beg you to listen to me." Little did Darcy have to wait though, as shortly later (time in which Elizabeth might have deliberated whether she should let him come in or not) the sound of a key was heard and the door was finally open.
By turning her back on him as soon as he silently made his entrance in the room, she prevented Darcy from seeing her face. He then followed the lady towards the fireplace and, while she accommodated herself in the large armchair, he paced in front of the fire, expecting the best moment and the right words to commence his "speech".
As a matter of fact he was taking some time to discreetly study her figure. As a result, he perceived that she was rather pale and her eyes indicated that she must have cried. However, her eyes looked as beautiful as ever - he loved seeing how differently, still how amazingly splendid they sparkled in passion, in tenderness, in commiseration and in anger. You can not figure out how I have missed you, Liz!
Nonetheless, his apparent hesitance irritated Elizabeth and she could not help stating, "Well, you told me you wished to clarify things. If this is not your real purpose for coming here, I beg you to leave now, sir." Despite being veiled by her politeness, the intensity of her rage somewhat struck Darcy, making him grow uneasy. As if endeavouring to calm herself down, Elizabeth held tight the book she kept in her lap and averted her eyes.
Her gripping the volume caught Darcy's attention, who wondered if that was the book he had given her on the day he had proposed to her. Oh, what a stupid thing to think about! What does it matter? She is waiting for your explanation, for God's sake!" Instinctively, he moved towards her and then took her hand on his, "Liz, I..." But she quickly moved back as though having been bitten by a snake and he was forced to let her hand go. Standing back from her and a little affected by her rejection, he started anew,
"Liz, I believe that you may have misunderstood what you heard before entering the library a quarter an hour ago."
Elizabeth gazed at him and arched her right eyebrow, "Could you then enlighten me, sir? Did I misunderstand you about your intervention upon my sister and your friend's relationship?" She stopped to smile ironically at him. "Or perhaps it was your opinion about my family that was the piece of information I did not comprehend very well."
Darcy opened his eyes wide. Damn it! She heard everything - at least everything that could transform this chamber into a battle camp. He squirmed uneasily for few seconds before staring at her and confronting the fire in her eyes, "About your sister and Bingley..."
"Can you deny that you divided your friend from my sister?" Elizabeth breathed hard and proceeded, "Can you deny that you were the means of ruining, perhaps for ever, the happiness of a most beloved sister?"
"Elizabeth, I guess you are not well informed about my reasons to interfere." Darcy attempted to reason.
"Dare you?" She interrupted her husband anew. "Can you deny that, based upon your contentious premises you exposed one to the censure of the world for caprice and instability, the other to its derision for disappointed hopes, and involving both of them in misery?"
Darcy was now pondering whether he should mention his last letter to Bingley, in which he attempted to mend what he had done as well as urge his friend to go after Miss Bennet. On a second thought, I had better wait - I do not know what Bingley has been doing. He may have hurried to Longbourn and be engaged at the moment. Or, if I was right and Jane Bennet was only a vanishing obsession, he may be pursuing another lady now. No, Darcy. You really should wait for news from him. Hardly restraining the irritation which was beginning to affect him, Darcy finally answered, "I have no wish to deny! At least I was more prudent and rational concerning my friend's affair than to my own."
"Rational and prudent indeed!" Elizabeth stood up, reacting to what he had said. All the words he had mouthed about her family were still burning in her head, his "rational" reasons to be the judge and decide against Jane's suitability as a future wife.
"I had seen Bingley in and out love uncountable times before to allow him to risk his position in life because of a passing infatuation. Moreover, at that time I believed that, despite Miss Bennet being pleased by my friend's attentions, her heart did not seem to be touched by him. I related this to my friend not because I hoped that her indifference was the truth, but based upon my observing her."
His rather cold description of the way he had acted aggravated Elizabeth even more. "Oh, for God's sake! You were not well acquainted with her to be so assured of her feelings." Elizabeth paced in front of the armchair, her right hand still holding the book "Can you not perceive how wrong things have been because of your intervention? We, who had few things in common, who hardly bore each other for society's sake are united for ever, whilst the two people who were meant to be together are separated and in suffer." Elizabeth could not avoid feeling guilty, as if she had stolen happiness from Jane's hands. Although Elizabeth had enjoyed the blissfulness for a very short time, she would have to pay for her "crime" now.
"Your company has always been a pleasure for me, Elizabeth. I thought you had already noticed it." Darcy said in a grave tone.
She dismissed his comment as another thought was occupying her mind. She gazed at him and she then stated ironically, "How unfortunate for you, Mr. Darcy. You had to overwhelm your distaste of my family and me because of 'duty' - the very the very reason you used to detach Mr. Bingley from my sister."
"My decision to marry you was taken considering only which my regard dictated." Darcy's reply to her attack was firm and stirred her, as Elizabeth stopped pacing and turned to him. With her being attentive to him, rather than focusing only on her anger, Darcy proceeded, "I had already decided to propose marriage to you before my knowledge of the hearsay about us spread through Meryton. I had resolved that my feelings would not be repressed any longer." He opened his arms in a gesture of surrender, "My only reason to ask you to marry me was because, despite all my struggle, I could not help being in love with you."
It was Elizabeth's turn to stare at him with wide open eyes. He had just said the words she had been longing for since she had acknowledged her feelings for him at that now distant night before the "duel". But after all she had learnt about him, how could she believe in him now?
Her silence encouraged Darcy, and he finally spoke about everything that had tortured him, "Since the beginning of our acquaintance I have come to feel for you a very passionate regard and, in spite of all the objections I had, the very ones I used as arguments to object against my friend forming any alliance with your sister, I could not efface you out of my mind."
His words talked about fondness indeed, still Elizabeth could hear his pride, his unbearable sense of superiority and condescension singing along with his string. She remained quiet, though, waiting for his ending his remark.
And so did he, "I would have confessed my feelings on the day I proposed, but your initial refusal made me vow to only unveil myself after having won your affection. The Enigma is deciphered, Elizabeth. The Sphinx is won. " Having concluded his avowal, Darcy could only observe her. For what he already knew of her, he could say she was confused, immersed in deep consideration - she was breathing in and out, her bosom heaving.
The few minutes she spent in such a way were of pure agony for him - he had put his heart in her hands. However, when she finally composed herself and arched her left eyebrow, he understood they were very distant from making amends. "How appropriate to you, sir! You conquered your disgust at my family's condition and manners, you allowed yourself to fancy me just after a duel had been settled."
Darcy paled in exasperation, "You seem inclined to distort my words, ma'am!"
"Do I?" She promptly retorted. "Had you not challenged Mr. Wickham, you would have departed for Town and would never think of me anew, just as you had advised your friend to do about Jane." Elizabeth was now visibly altered. "I still remember the words you used to persuade me - you told me you needed someone to take care of your estate." Her face contorted in agony, "Oh Lord! You asked me to help you with your sister while you had just harmed mine!"
"I had to say that because I did not wish to disclosure myself in front of you!"
"And when have you told the truth, sir? When?" She cried.
"Elizabeth..." He pleaded, still she did not listen to him.
"Someone to watch out Pemberley, Georgiana, the Darcy family as a whole!" She exclaimed. "Lord knows I have fulfilled everything which was required from me, sir. I do not owe you anything for having lowered yourself to give me a "good name", for having being accepted in so high a circle." Her irony was on the confines of repugnance, yet she did not care. "I can state now that not only have I watched out your household, but I am also bearing your heir, sir."
Upon registering her last words, Darcy momentarily forgot his irritation and stepped forward to take her in his arms, but she retreated and positioned herself behind the armchair, using the piece of furniture as a shield. He was now divided between rapture, abhorrence and pain, unsure of how to continue. A child! Oh Lord! But she does not seem happy at all. And the way she delivered the news, as though the baby was an obligation, nothing else. To conceal how she was hurting him, he exclaimed haughtily, "I am certain that the child will be a strong one, as all Darcys have been."
"Oh, yes! God forbid your heir from resembling the maternal side - they are so improper." She nodded her head reproachfully, visibly in a mocking way. " I wonder what you will do if your heir does not behave like a Darcy. If he or she is not conceited, if your heir cares for the feelings of the others - if he or she does anything, but behave unlike Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy." She abandoned her position behind the armchair and stepped forward, stopping only few inches away from her husband. "Oh, please, do not answer me. I believe I already know, sir."
Darcy was feeling rather offended. He had attempted to explain himself, he had spoken openly about his love for her and all she had done was refuse to listen to him as well as insult him. She was even using the child she was bearing - their child, for God's sake - to affect him. He paced in front of her, in vain attempting to control his irritation. "So this is your opinion of me. My faults by your calculation are great indeed." He then stopped in front of Elizabeth and defied her, "Perchance you would not have reacted so unfavourably to my confession, had I omitted my initial conflict and flattered you into the belief of my being impelled to you by unqualified, unalloyed inclination since the beginning. That I led myself to be overcome by passion the first time your eyes met mine."
The tension in the air was turning the atmosphere of the chamber unbearable, still the couple remained face to face, ignoring good judgment - they knew they had better leave before it was too late. However, no one of them desired to retreat now. Breaking the silence, Darcy continued, "Nor I am ashamed of all my opinions. They were natural and just. Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? To congratulate myself on the hope of relations, whose condition in life is so decidedly beneath my own?" I can torment you as well as you have done to me, ma'am!
"Do you believe I would have taken in consideration any word coming from you after what I had heard?" She challenged him back.
Darcy approached his wife and said in a very low voice, "Am I mistaken, Mrs. Darcy? I believe you did not reject me when I whispered sweet nothings to you, when I declaimed Shakespeare to you. Your reaction was far from disgust."
Elizabeth could not bear it any longer - she raised her hand and slapped her husband's face with all the anger she had repressed so far. Darcy could do nothing, but stare at her and rub the now sore cheek. Had he controlled himself better and not said what he now regretted, she would not have responded in such a way. Finally admitting that it was impossible to establish a sensible conversation at the moment, he thus decided to take his leave, but he was prevented from doing so by Elizabeth's statement,
"You are mistaken indeed, sir! The mode of your declaration only came to clarify any doubt I still could have concerning your character. Your lack of gentlemanly behaviour is everything I suspected in the beginning of our acquaintance - you have concealed it very well indeed for the past weeks, under the cover of kindness, dedication and affection, in order to achieve which duty dictates and fulfill your personal needs."
Her criticism was tearing him - it was as painful as the slap in his face, still he bore an impenetrable face. He only wished to remain quiet and avoid anything that could make the situation worse, if that was possible. Upon seeing that he would not reply, Elizabeth opened the book she had been carrying as if it were valuable, took out a bunch of papers and handed it in to Darcy.
"At the time I read this, I endeavoured not to believe in it, as I considered that it was against everything I had come to learn of your disposition. Nevertheless, your conduct during your stay at Netherfield added to all the things you have done and your manner tonight seem to attest to the veracity of the facts related in this letter."
With his curiosity aroused, Darcy opened the missive and read through its content carefully. His astonishment could not be greater. He raised his head and exclaimed, "This is a falsehood! You can not conceive that I was able of so low an action, of such abomination! I should never simulate marriage in order to seduce a woman!"
"Is it not your seal in the license, sir? And your signature?" Elizabeth pointed out them in the paper.
Darcy did not need to look at the paper again to know that Elizabeth was right. "Yes, it is my family's seal, and the signature could be mine - if I had signed this paper, but I did not." He stated vehemently.
"Yet how can you defend yourself on this matter?" Elizabeth insisted.
"I do not have to defend myself because I did nothing. I have never known a Miss Hargraves, let alone espousing her. This is an invented story probably with the sole purpose of extracting money from us." Darcy refused to let Elizabeth "distort" this affair too.
"I beg to differ, sir. Miss Hargraves offers places and names that can be easily verified and she even states she has no wish for money." But Elizabeth would not allow him escape so easily. "Moreover, your words about the 'difference of status' are exactly the same as the ones used by the 'gentleman' to dismiss Miss Hargraves."
"Only wait for a second missive, Elizabeth. Some scoundrels live out of exploiting people's fear of scandals, even if the stories are false." Is her being incensed at me obscuring her senses? How can she be so oblivious and not perceive the ambush this letter represents? "Concerning the 'similar words', they may sound familiar - any gentleman of my consequence has used them since the cradle."
"Indeed! And the misdeeds must be the same, I suppose."
"I believe you are determined to consider me responsible for this as well." His voice was low again. He folded the letter and the license and gave them back to Elizabeth. "You may do as you please, ma'am. Yet it will not prevent me from proving this missive and you wrong." Having just said this, Darcy bowed to her and moved towards the adjoining door.
"I doubt you will be able to do it." Elizabeth challenged.
He spun around to reply, "I shall, Mrs. Darcy." He was going to turn to the door again when he recollected something, "Just one more thing, ma'am. Despite everything that has been said and done here tonight, I am still very glad that you will be the mother of my child. I hope you will have a good night." He did not wait for her reply, though. Instead, he strode into his chamber and closed the door behind his back.
Pemberley
Dawn of 21st of January, 1812
It had not snowed for almost a fortnight, still the previous night had been almost icy, mainly for those ones who, due to different reasons, could not spend the evening under the cocoon provided by warm covers. This was the exact situation lived by Elizabeth and Darcy - with so much to ponder after the appalling quarrel they had had, it seemed insufferable for both of them to stay still in bed. Therefore, most of the first hours after their argument were spent in an endless wandering in front of the fireplace of their respective chambers, strangely reproducing each other's movements. Not to mention the similar turmoil that dominated them, provoking incoherent thoughts, anger and pain.
Eventually, dominated by fatigue, Elizabeth took a seat and allowed her body to relish in the comfortable leather chair. For some moments, she was able to deter any thought related to Darcy, Jane, Bingley and even that Miss Hargraves and, curled up like a cat, only enjoying the heat emanating from the fire. It was like being a child again, looking towards Mr. Bennet's library for protection against her mother's insensitive remarks - there, sitting down in front of the fire, Mr. Bennet would reassure her by giving her a treat ( a candy, a good story, or a book). Like the old times, she was feeling a little better now.
The illusion lasted very little, though. Despite feeling more in control of her senses, she knew that, unfortunately, her present problems could not be effaced by a bonbon or an imaginary state of comfort. As a matter of fact, the more she attempted to send her quandaries to an obscure corner of her mind, the more they insisted on emerging, and worse, they became larger than they really were. The better thing to do now was to face them a little more sensibly, as it would be effortless to forget what had transpired.
Her rage had not subsided yet - Darcy's words about his family as well as his intrusive behaviour with regards to her sister and his friend's affair were difficult to be accepted. Not that she had been so naïve as to believe that his marriage to her would have erased Darcy's contempt feeling towards her family, the very one she had seen in his face so many times in the past. However, to listen to his disdain be so well translated in fierce and ironic words were even worse than being slapped - let alone hearing him using such opinions to justify his "struggle", to reveal how much he cared for her.
"Indeed! How dare he call this outrageous feeling as love? Patronising would explain it better!" Oh, how could she have been such a stupid empty-head and allowed him to lead her by only declaiming sweet nothings? Feeling somewhat humiliated by what she judged to be her biggest weakness, Elizabeth closed her eyes and wished she could vanish. Her mortification did not last long, though, as she started to nod her head, refusing to be drown by such irate thoughts. As a result, something occurred to her,
"No! I was not driven to him by half a dozen charming words. I believe I can easily point out the traits of him which attracted me: his kindness and concern for his sister; his responsible and righteous character, which all his servants make a point of stating every time they talk about the "master" (not to mention the allusions to his infinite sense of charity). And last, but not the least, the manner in which he has treated me since that fateful meeting in the woods near Longbourn - he has been nothing, but gentle, attentive, tender and respectful. Whenever we talked about any subject, he listened to me - even if he did not agree with me." He had even encouraged her to have and cultivate her own mind. More than this, he had seemed to be delighted with her wittiness. She had to concede that Darcy was rather different from what she expected from a gentleman of his condition.
Such trail of thoughts made her feelings towards him warm a little for few minutes, until she remembered why they had quarreled, as well as his abominable behaviour concerning Miss Hargraves. Despite his denying any involvement in the matter, how could she take only his words as true? Elizabeth then sank in the armchair and stared at the thread of her muslin, as if the flower-patterned fabric could contain the answer to her questions. "He said he would prove me wrong." She murmured. Raising her head, she now gazed at the rug in front of her and stated in a graver tone, "Perchance, concerning this matter, I should wait a little more before I reach a definitive conclusion, much as I have evidences enough to believe him guilty."
Elizabeth reposed her aching head in the armchair. "However, with respect to what he had done to Jane, I suppose there is nothing that can excuse him - he is not even interested in begging any excuse." Yet upon recollecting the reasons for his separating Jane from Bingley, she could not help feeling mortified, as she knew that her husband's assessment of her family's conduct in society was, even if done in a prejudiced manner, absolutely right. Much as she wished to blame Darcy, and perchance the Bingley sisters for the separation, she was aware that they had been only the means to reach it. The sad foundation for it had been given by her own family.
"Had not my family behaved in such a reproachful manner, perhaps our 'lack' of connections could have been 'forgiven'. Oh, poor Jane! What a high price you have to pay because of the foolishness of our family!" Her tears could not be avoided anymore, and then she cried quietly until falling asleep, curled up in the armchair.
In the adjoining chamber, Darcy also spent most of the night awake, reflecting upon what Elizabeth had said and accused him of. He was still amazed at her obstinacy - she had cleaved to her own points of view, refusing to acknowledge reason. "She thinks so ill of me that she was even able to believe in that ambush of missive." He resumed his pacing around the room and then sat down at a carved desk that had belonged to his grandfather. It was one of his favourite pieces of furniture at Pemberley, the place where he gathered all his personal belongings - letters, journey diaries, some souvenirs from his tour through the Continent, small portraits of his parents.
He passed his eyes through all his memorabilia, in vain looking for something that could deviate his dark thoughts and would tire him enough to send him directly to Morpheus' arms. Instead, he could listen even louder in his mind to Elizabeth's reproach of him for his want of "gentlemanlike behaviour". Not content with such an unjust attack, she had also called him egotistical, proud and the worse thing, a liar. "Not to mention the manner in which she refused my affection for her - she disdained it and called it a result of the 'circumstances'. Humph!" He knocked lightly on the desk, wishing that this night had never happened.
In spite of everything - the way she had behaved and mistreated him, her slap, and even how she had delivered the news about the child she was bearing - Darcy still could not feel less inclined to her, and this was the thing that was distressing him the most. He recognised he was hurt at the moment, only wishing to prove the truth, clear his name (regarding the charges laid by that letter) and make her see that he was everything but her (mis)conception of him. Yet deep inside he still hoped for the best and was looking for any sign in the words she had spoken as well as in her actions, which would show him that she cared for him.. "Dare I say that a little of jealousy is guiding her blindly through this missive affair?"
Darcy allowed this thought to linger in his mind until his practical sense took control again. "I am really a fool to believe in such a thing, to still hope for her affection." He then stood up and restarted his restlessly pace, this time even angrier than before as he was angry at himself.. "She refused any attempt to amend. She was unable to understand how I struggled, what I had to conquer in order to marry her - any woman would be more than thankful to such an elevation, more than pleased for having inspired such a passion."
A disturbing idea stroke him, though, forcing him to halt on his ankles. "She is not 'any woman'. She is Elizabeth, a very singular lady, the only one who really shone among all the other ladies of my acquaintance - this is why I chose her to be my wife." He sadly passed his hand through his already disheveled hair and exclaimed, "Damn it! I shall not remain here torturing myself with thoughts of her." He then strode through the chamber and rang the bell for Morrisey, his valet.
The poor servant came to the master's room as quickly as his still clouded mind allowed him to - he was not used to being summoned so early. If the master would need him before the sunrise, he would inform him of it at least in the night before the event. All the vestiges of sleep vanished though, when he heard Darcy's orders to fetch the stable boy and prepare his riding attire. Morrisey did as he was commanded and remained quiet until he was almost finished helping the master with the boots. "I beg your pardon, sir, but I believe it is still not safe to ride around Pemberley. Although it has not snowed lately, the rain has created some muddy conditions." Actually, the valet was still worried about the conditions of Darcy's knee, as he knew that Dr. Pollock had prohibited any riding until the end of January.
"Nonsense, man! I have already ridden around Pemberley in worse conditions." Darcy wore a dark coat with the valet's help.
Morrisey then tried another approach, "Mrs. Darcy may grow angry at you, sir. She knows about Dr. Pollock's prohibitions."
Darcy smiled sadly, "The mistress is already angry at me, Morrisey!" And then, feigning a composure he was far from feeling now, he added, "Inform Mrs. Darcy that I may not be back for breakfast." Thereupon, he left his chamber towards the stable, leaving an astonished Morrisey behind.
Darcy's message was actually given to Georgiana and Col. Fitzwilliam, the only ones who attended breakfast - Elizabeth's maid had just informed them that the mistress was somewhat indisposed and would have the meal in her chamber. Georgiana grew a little uneasy with the absence of her brother and sister, and absolutely disappointed, as she was expecting to reencounter Darcy as well as partake of the joyful moments provided by the couple - they had had so entertaining mornings since their marriage.
On the other hand, the colonel did not seem surprised at all. Having been a spectator to the grounds of a possible quarrel between the Darcy couple, the colonel already knew what to expect. The fact that his cousin had left for an early ride with such a dreadful weather and muddy surroundings and Elizabeth had decided to remain in her room could not lead to another conclusion, but that the result of the couple's confrontation last night had been a disaster and they must have parted angry at each other.
The colonel looked at the sausage and eggs in his plate, moved his fork to get a piece of the warm and smelling portion in front of him, but stopped halfway through, holding the silver utensil in the air. And the worse thing is that both of them may have their reasons and, headstrong as they are, they will not concede an inch to acknowledge the other's motives. The colonel sighed and then "attacked" with fervour his portion of scrambled eggs, guessing that he should be ready to support whoever needed his shoulder, most certainly Darcy. Much as I do not like to intrude into other people's matters, mainly married people. Georgiana's voice startled him though, making him almost choke on the eggs,
"Has anything happened, cousin?" Georgiana was staring at him, her blue eyes expressing all her amazement and a certain degree of suspiciousness.
"Not at all, Georgie. Why, dear?" He cleaned his mouth with the linen serviette.
"You seem as if you were preparing yourself for a battle." She lowered her gaze a little, but the colonel could still see she was suspicious.
"As far as I know, everything is as placid as the pond outside, dear. Unless, of course, you are interested in hearing about the tenants' problems in the north of Pemberley, where your brother and I came from yesterday." He averted her eyes by pretending interest in the piece of sausage he was cutting.
Georgiana sighed and shrugged her shoulders before stating, "I do not know why, but looking at you very closely, one may think you are aware of my brother's strange desire to go riding this morning."
Damnation! I sometimes forget that Georgiana is not a child anymore. And she is becoming a very observant lady, as sharp as her brother is. The colonel looked at his cousin proudly, after all, as one of the young lady's guardians, he could not help feeling as if she were her own sibling. However, before she had time to grow even more suspicious, he promptly spoke, "There is nothing uncommon in his riding, Georgie. Darcy was missing the sensations of controlling a good horse and thought that today was the appropriate time to do it."
Georgiana gawked at him anew, "So early? And with such a weather?" She sadly nodded her head. "Not to mention that the doctor had forbidden this activity for at least another fortnight. No, there must be something else and my brother and you are concealing it from me." Repressing a sob, she continued, "I dread it may be something concerning Elizabeth." Another sob was controlled and, putting a hand over her chest, she decided to dispose what had been perturbing her, "My sister had been ill for two days while you and Fitzwilliam were away. Mr. Lodge, the apothecary, was then called and he said that it was nothing serious, and Elizabeth had even looked better after the apothecary's visit. Yet her not coming downstairs for breakfast today confirms that Mr. Lodge omitted the truth about Elizabeth's real welfare."
"Georgie ..." The colonel began, but the young lady interrupted him.
"Please, cousin! My brother and you still think I am a child, but I am not. I know that Fitzwilliam must be desperate, or at least much preoccupied, for having gone out before the sunset. He did the same in the morning my mother died - I was only five then, yet I still remember him coming back home, covered in mud. His eyes were strange, as if he were staring at nothing. He repeated the same action almost six years ago, when the doctor told him that my father would not last longer than a couple of days."
Georgiana hardly endeavoured not to cry in order to prove that she was already a grown lady. However, the trembling of her lips and her twisting the serviette in her lap were clear signs of her struggle - she wished to cry as a child would, but at the same time she felt she needed be strong to help her brother and sister if the necessity arose. Upon perceiving her cousin's agitation, Col. Fitzwilliam reached out his arm and tenderly held Georgiana's hand which was on the table. "Georgie, do not distress yourself. I am almost sure that there is nothing wrong with Elizabeth's health. She must not have slept well last night, thus she decided that staying in bed and reposing would be the best remedy."
The young lady seemed to accept the colonel's explanation only for few minutes, because another thought occurred to her very soon, "Still my brother has left --"
The colonel lightly sighed and completed the sentence for her, "Because he could not stand being still anymore. It was hard to impede him from riding while we were inspecting in the north of Pemberley. I believe he only grabbed the opportunity and 'deceived' all of us by waking up very early and leaving before we were able to stop him. Only this, dearest." He then waited for Georgiana's reply, which only came some moments later.
"Perhaps you are right, cousin." She murmured.
"I am, Georgie." The colonel heartily hoped that Darcy could solve the matter with Elizabeth as easily as the account he had given to Georgiana. He grinned at the young lady and she lightly smiled back at him. They then resumed their breakfast and left for their morning duties.
Darcy returned home, covered in mud and fatigued, just in time to be ready for luncheon. As it had happened at breakfast, Elizabeth did not come downstairs and a message was given by her maid saying that the mistress was already reposing due to an awful headache. Therefore, the meal was taken only by Georgiana, the colonel and Darcy.
In spite of his bad humour, Darcy attempted to be as civil as it was possible, mainly towards Georgiana, who seemed to be a little worried about Elizabeth's health. As he was not sure if his wife wished the others to know about her pregnancy, he thought it better invent an excuse ("She did not sleep well because I came back late last night and kept her awake by telling her about my journey." As a matter of fact, it was not absolutely untrue ) that would soothe her anxiety.
The colonel discreetly hinted he understood that something bad had transpired 'concerning the last business'. Darcy confirmed his cousin's guessing and stated that he would spend the afternoon 'alone' in his library, immersed in the problem and so he did. However, the more he thought of it, the less he seemed to understand Elizabeth - he was still too hurt and tied to his own beliefs to be able to understand hers. Furthermore, he was so much apprehensive about Elizabeth's welfare that he only rested a little more assured after his valet had gained some knowledge of the mistress' real condition through her chamber maid.
Some hours later, Darcy had already dressed for dinner and returned to his library, still he had not decided what he should do about Elizabeth, nor inferred who might have written the letter about his 'false marriage' some years ago. Surely there were many people interested in obtaining money from him, but who exactly? His wondering about who was behind the missive was interrupted by a light knocking on the door though, and assuming that it was Georgiana who had come to see him before dinner, he promptly strode through the room and opened the door to meet Elizabeth standing outside. Caught by surprise, Darcy did nothing but stare at her, admiring how enchanting she was in that shade of cream she was wearing tonight. For a moment, last night had never existed.
"I ... Hmm..." Surprise also made Elizabeth's thoughts incoherent and flush replaced the paleness that had ruled her face till now. She had thought she would be able to face him coldly, but she had not expected to meet him with such a radiant smile, despite the dark shadows that marked the skin under his eyes. With great effort, she finally recomposed herself enough to raise her chin and speak, "I would like to talk to you before dinner, sir."
Her somewhat icy tone brought him back to reality and he also talked with an indifferent voice, "I thought it was Georgiana. But come in, please." Darcy then allowed her passage and she entered the room. He followed her in silence and waited until she had taken her seat in front of his desk before he sat down. Both of them were cautiously observing the other, distraught as they still were by the words they had exchanged on the previous day. At last, Elizabeth overcame the awkwardness and said,
"I have been wondering and I think I had better go to Longbourn."