Jump to new as of March 18, 2002
Author's Note: I had a terrible nightmare this morning wherein Disney decided to do Pride and Prejudice as their next animated feature. In a fit of morbid curiousity, I decided to see what that would look like. The results are terrifyingly probable. I won't post this too frequently, as I want to concentrate on writing less terrifying things, but... well, here goes...
SCENE 1: Int. Mrs. Long's Drawing room. Mrs. Long, Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Phillips Discovered.
Mrs. Long: Netherfield is let at last! To a Mr. Bingley - of ten thousand a year! And you know what that means!
Mrs. Bennet: Oh! Can it be true? But my girls must come to meet him!
Mrs. Phillips: And mine!
TRIO:
Ev'rybody knows a rich bachelor
Is always looking for
a Wife
And I believe that that girl
Who sets his head a-whirl
for Life
MRS. BENNET
Can only be my dearest daughters
Who will lead him like a lamb to a slaughter
Down the aisle happily -
Will of course be my Kitty!
MRS. PHILLIPS:
No! It can only be
That the daughter will be the one of me!
Ev'ryone else will hardly see
Her incredibly rich husband to be -
MRS. LONG
No! No! My Carol dear
Will have him by the ear
A match above all the rest!
MRS.: BENNET:
No, Jane is by far the best!
MRS. LONG:
But on one thing we can agree:
TRIO:
It will be one of us three
Who match him to our dears
(asides) But that it's not me is my great fear
'Cause -
Ev'rybody knows a rich bachelor
Is always looking for
a Wife
for Life.
As the three raise their teacups in salute, the title superimposes itself on screen.
Author's Note: Mrs. Bennet is now available as a cuddly toy that screeches about its nerves every three minutes. Library sold separately
MRS. BENNET: Mr. Bennet! Mr. Bennnnneeettt! Netherfield is let at last! To a Mr. Bingley of 5000 a year!!! You must visit, and arrange for my daughters to meet him!
MR.: BENNET: And why should I do that? After all, if he wants to meet us, he can surely come and visit us.
MRS. BENNET: Oh, Mr. Bennet!
ELIZABETH: Now, mother, you know that father is only teasing you, are you not?
MR. BENNET: Ah, you have figured me out, Lizzy. Yes, I visited him this morning.
MRS. BENNET Oh! How rich all of you will be! You'll have such a fortune....
(music begins over Mrs. Bennet's screeching. Sadly, this music is provided by Mary Bennet. After she plays the introduction badly, Jane playing the flute, Kitty on Trombone, and Lydia on drums come in to drown her out.
SONG: Join me in the Library (Verses sung in a minor key, chorus in major)
MR. BENNET: Ah, Lizzy!
When everything seems to get you down
And there is chaos all around
A bit of peace you do require
A drop of ale, a nice warm fire
And there is one place these all exist
So that place I can't resist!
So come now Lizzy, let us flee:
Join me in the Library.
CHORUS:
For there are books! Many books! That will take you on a ride
To the city, to the sea, to the countryside
So many journeys you may take
So let's hurry there for goodness sake!
VERSE:
When Mary's piano begins to play
Or Lydia and Kitty chase soldiers all day
Or Mrs. Bennet begins to speak
On the gossip of the week
When all your family gets you down
You simply should not hang around!
What can you do but simply flee?
Join me in the library!
CHORUS
VERSE:
And so this is my advice to you
When you are feeling in a stew
For a while you can go
With an expedition in the snow
Or on an African safari
Or learn about the life of a bee!
That is where I like to be
So Join me in the Library!
CHORUS
DARCY: At an assembly such as this... Just look at these people! Crude farmers mot of them, Who talks loike this, Oi reckon....
A fiddler begins playing a bouncy little hoe-down, which the regency dancers dance in a refined manner.
DARCY:
Oh, God I hate the country! (dancers execute turn, shout "Huzzah!")
Oi hates the manners, and the talk
Oi cannot stand a "good long walk"
Oh god, I hate the country.
MRS. BENNET:(overheard in the pause, spoken)
...And he has ten thousand a year!
DARCY:
Oh god, I hate the country (dancers turn, Huzzah!)
Matchmakin' mamas, tryin ter fix
Me up with all the hicks
Oh, god! I hate the country!
(Mary rushes over to piano, and begins to join in the music, badly, before Mr. Bennet pulls her away.)
Oh, god I hate the country! (Huzzah!)
Oi cannot stand them so uncouth
Passin' it on to all their youth
Oh, god I hate the country!
BINGLEY (coming over to Darcy, spoken)
What a wonderful assembly! But, come! You must dance!
(sings)
Ah! But I love the country! (Huzzah!)
So many beauties I've never seen!
And, my dear Jane by far the queen
Ah! But I love the country!
(spoken)
Now, Darcy! Are there really none you wish to dance with? What about her, over there?
DARCY:
She is not attractive enough to tempt me. (Lizzy glares at him)
LIZZY: (to CHARLOTTE)
Oh, god I hate that Darcy! (Huzzah!)
How dare he say that about me!
Worse manners I will never see!
Oh, god I hate that Darcy!
(without the musical interlude for conversation, the next verse proceeds)
DARCY:
Oh god, I hate the country! (Huzzah!)
With yokel farmers all around
And the livestock that abound
Oh, god I hate the country!
(Fiddlers play a conclusion, and all return to being refined)
BINGLEY: But come, you must meet my dear Jane! She is an angel!
DARCY: Yer reckon?
BINGLEY: Darce??
DARCY: (returning to being proud and pompous) Don't ask.
Bingley looks at Darcy oddly whilst leading him through the crowd towards Jane.