Posted on Tuesday, 13 November 2001

Stardate: 1850. These are the voyages of the Starship Austen as it goes on its mission: being in possession of a large fortune, to boldly go in search of a wife.

We open on the bridge.

Starship Captain Wentworth: We are nearing Planet Sands, where it would seem that two foul alien races are causing havoc. Personnel Officer Emma, please prepare a landing Party.

Emma: Yes, Sir! I shall send down Ensign Harriet Smith and Ensign Elton. They're so perfect for each other, not like that Martin she's been dating from Engineering.

S.C. Wentworth: Emma!

Communications Officer Bates: Sir, it would appear we have a message. Now, do you want to listen to it, or would you like me to tell them to wait because I know you're a busy person -

S.C. Wentworth Onscreen, Bates!

President Anne Eliott: (looks a bit shocked, then returns to composure) The Planet Sands thanks you for coming so quickly. We have been invaded by two aggressive alien races: The Steeles and the Willobies, who feed on the suffering of others. Other races may be around.

S.C. Wentworth (aside) I am half agony!

Anne: Please beam down to the palace in the town of Bzath to plan. That is all. (A tear falls down her cheek, but only for an instant before the screen goes blank)

Wentworth: Emma, all the higher ranks and the landing party to come down.

Anne and Wentworth had known each others years before, but Anne's adoptive mother, Professor Russell, had encouraged her to concentrate on career, and not to marry a mere ensign. We rejoin Wentworth, Emma, Harriet, and Elton in the presidential palace, as well as Lieutenant commander Knightley. Officer Darcy is left in charge, despite the protestations given by Ensign Lizzy to Wentworth in private that Darcy does not know how to control things, passed up a promotion he had promised to Ensign Wickham, and cannot get along with the crew. Down on the planet...

Anne: Oh, no! we're under attack! Quickly! send out a light squadron of troops! Attack in a pincher movement!

A battle ensues. They win. A citizen by the name of Louisa is shot, and Anne tends to her. Knightley and Wentworth talk, not knowing Anne can hear them.

Wentworth: I knew Anne once before. In her management of this battle I see some of the Anne I once knew.

Meanwhile, ensign Morland and Ensign Isabella Thorpe are on the holodeck, playing b-grade science fiction holodeck games. In the next scene, Lieutenant Tilney asks Morland whether she would like to come down to the planet surface with him. Morland is convinced it will be full of B-Movie monsters, and is excited at the prospect. Tilney teases her. In the next few scenes, Morland hears a noise, shoots it - and it is a bunny rabbit, and explores caves with Tilney, that turn out just to be caves. Meanwhile, Tilney educates her about military tactics. Back on the ship...

Officer Darcy: Ensign Lizzy, as you know, we have often been thrust together since I came aboard this ship. Well, much against my will - for you are but a mere ensign, and I an Officer, I find myself unwillingly to have fallen in love with you. As I am quite a catch, I know you will accept my hand in marriage.

Ensign Lizzy: Of course not! How could I love someone who acted so badly to Ensign Wickham, and who would dare to propose in such an insulting manner? (storms out)

Darcy begins writing a letter.

A few more scenes occur. The Willobies are defeated and exiled to the Frigid Grey planet. Elton proposes to Emma, and is wholeheartedly refused, and insulted by her statement that she thought he was in love with Ensign Smith, as he should be. He storms off. Ensign Smith tells Emma that she thinks she may be in love with Lieutenant Knightley. Tilney and Morland have fallen in love, and return to the ship, she a wiser woman planning to take courses in Military tactics and repair of Warp cores. Emma ponders why Ensign Smith's statements upset her so. Back on the ship...

Ensign Lizzy: I have read your letter, and understand why you wouldn't promote Wickham if he did that.

(Lady Catherine the Borg crashes through the wall)

L.C. the Borg: Darcy, you will be assimilated to Anne the Borg!

Lizzy: Noooo!

(A gunfight ensues between the forces of the Borg, Lizzy, and Darcy in which the latter two have an incredibly good time, as they are never in any real danger. Laughing, they fall into each other's arms for support, and soon begin kissing, as these things go.)

We return to the Planet Sands, where it is discovered that actually, the Steele aliens were just really crude, and had meant to go to the uninhabited but mineral rich planet elsewhere in the system anyway. As the group leaves the consultation with Anne, about to leave the planet, Wentworth gives some papers, claimed to be mission statements to Anne. Meanwhile, Emma has realised she is in love with Knightley, but does not know if he loves her.

Back on the ship, an urgent message comes on screen:

Anne: Wentworth, I have read your letter, and I too still love you! I will marry you!

(Tilney and Morland enter)

Tilney: I don't know why all of you have such a silly grin, but Catherine and I are to be married!

(Darcy and Lizzy entering)

Lizzy: But we are as well!

Knightley (quietly, to Emma, out of earshot of the others): Ah, all this joy gives me hope! Would you marry me, Emma?

(Emma says exactly what a Lady ought)

In the classic Sense and Startrekery style, the next scene is a detailed view of Harriet and Martin's wedding, ignoring the other four, then the closing credits come up.