Posted on Monday, 11 November 2002
Dramatis Personae
LADY LUCAS (speaking)
MRS. PHILLIPS (speaking)
MRS. BENNET (Mezzo-soprano)
MR. BENNET (Pratter-Baritone)
ELIZABETH BENNET (Soprano)
JANE BENNET (Mezzo-Soprano)
MARY BENNET (Alto)
KITTY BENNET (Soprano)
LYDIA BENNET (Alto)
MR. FITZWILLIAM DARCY (Baritone)
MR. BINGLEY (Tenor/Lyric Baritone)
CAROLINE BINGLEY (Contralto)
LOUISA HURST (speaking)
MR HURST (speaking)
CHARLOTTE LUCAS (Soprano)
MARIA LUCAS Alto
CAPTAIN DENNY (Baritone)
CAPTAIN CARTER (Baritone)
MR WICKHAM (Bass)
A SERVANT (speaking)
MR. COLLINS (Pratter-Baritone)
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM (Tenor)
LADY CATHERINE DE BOURGH (Alto)
MR PHILLIPS
MINISTER of KRYMPTON
CLERK at MR PHILLIPS
CHORUS of YOUNG WOMEN OF MERYTON, SERVANTS, YOUNG MEN, PARENTS, etc.
Scene 1: Longbourn
MRS. BENNET, LADY LUCAS, and MRS. PHILLIPS are having tea stage left, MR. BENNET is listening at the door (set up centre stage).
Mrs. Bennet: Oh, I quite despair of my daughters ever getting married. The men of this town... Bah! Not a person here of any worth. My daughters deserve to be the toast of the town - but are they, no, they're stuck in this backwater.
SONG: In A doleful train, (Patience)
MRS. BENNET:
In a doleful train
Two and two they walk all day--
For their love is vain!
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!
Woe is me, alackaday!
MR. BENNET: (aside)
Now is not this ridiculous, and is not this preposterous?
A thorough-paced absurdity -- explain it if you can.
Instead of rushing eagerly to cherish us and foster us,
They all prefer to plot on how to get their girls a man.
I say it'll be alright
She prefers to spend all night
Planning for them, scanning for them, catching if she can;
Any man who comes nearby, openly or on the sly
What a lot of blustering to get their girls a man
Any man who comes nearby, openly or on the sly
What a lot of blustering to get their girls a man
Repeat both parts simultaneously.
LADY LUCAS: But of course you realise that Netherfield has been let to a Mr. Bingley. It's said he plans to bring twelve ladies and seven gentlemen!
MR. BENNET (aside): Netherfield shall be exceedingly crowded in that case.
MRS. BENNET: Seven Gentlemen! Oh! All of my daughters shall be wed! And even your Charlotte will have a chance, if she can beat out all the other, more attractive women!
LADY LUCAS: I would imagine my Charlotte has just as good of a chance, if not better, than your Mary.
MRS. BENNET: Don't be so spiteful. This is a cause for celebration!
LADY LUCAS and MR BENNET roll their eyes. MR BENNET opens the door and enters.
MR BENNET: And what do we know about this Mr. Bingley then?
Lady Lucas and Mrs. Phillips stare at him, shocked.
MRS BENNET: (exasperated) Oh, Mr. Bennet!
Scene Two: Netherfield
A backdrop comes down, showing countryside stage right, Netherfield stage left, done in perspective to allow entry inside the house to be the exit the stage left.
A carriage pulls up from stage right (or is painted so that entrance may be from stage right). BINGLEY exits it.
SONG: Come, awake, at Netherfield we now arrive (Come walk up and purchase with avidity, Act I finale, Patience)
Come, awake, at Netherfield we now arrive
At this grand estate in which I hope we all may come alive
Hopefully within this town we may all begin to thrive
If not but five minutes and we head back to town again
Such a grand estate I've found I hope that you will now agree
Let us now enter in and I hope that you and me
Will quite abandon city life in favour of the fair country -
Such an opportunity will not be found again
DARCY: (Disembarks, mimics mockingly)
Such a grand estate I've found I hope that you will now agree
Let us now enter in and I hope that you and me
Will quite abandon city life in favour of the fair country -
Such an opportunity will not be found again
(spoken) Oh, really, Bingley, I do think you far overestimate the pleasures of estate management. Still, the area is charming enough, and I hope that you gain much pleasure from it.
BINGLEY: I fully intend to. So, what do you think, Caro?
CAROLINE: (exiting carriage) I think it's ridiculous that you dragged us out of London to such a rural backwater as this. At least you could have found somewhere fashionable to have an estate, like Derbyshire.
BINGLEY: Caro! I'm afraid that as wise as Darce may be, his owning of an estate in Derbyshire does not in itself make them fashionable. In any case, this one was available. The ones in Derbyshire have the unfortunate property of having people living in them.
MR HURST and LOUISA disembark
MR HURST: You have had them prepare a meal for us, haven't you?
BINGLEY: Yes, yes - it should be ready pretty soon - I asked them to try to prepare it for six....
DARCY: By post?
BINGLEY: Few other ways of communicating would have been available.
DARCY: Well, considering you take pride in your great illegibility, I should imagine that we shall be quite lucky if they even know to expect us.
HURST: What? No food?!
BINGLEY: Oh, come now, I'm not that bad. A few blots here and there, perhaps I don't take all the care I should, but it's merely the rapidity of my thoughts....
DARCY: (aside) Ah, the infamous rapidity of his thoughts excuse...
CAROLINE: Charles, I've traveled for three hours in that carriage to visit an estate I strongly objected to you taking, and now it's indicated that we might not even get food...
HURST: No food????
BINGLEY: I'm sure it'll be fine. Come, we haven't even entered yet.
LOUISA: (to Hurst) Don't worry, darling, I'm sure there'll be some food in any case. (HURST nods worriedly and follows her in)
Scene 3: The Meryton Assembly
The backdrop arises, revealing a large dance room, the Meryton Assembly Hall. A large stairway UC leads in from outside, with a SERVANT next to it to announce entrances. The music to Loudly let the tumpet bray (Iolanthe) is played as the couples dance stately. At the point where the lyrics would have been "Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes" enter CAROLINE, LOUISA, DARCY, and incidentally, HURST.
CAROLINE: What a tedious way to spend an evening. I'm sure none of these... (looks around) peasants know anything about fashion. Really, Darcy, I don't know why you agreed to come here.
DARCY: I had absolutely no desire to come, I assure you, but...
Enter BINGLEY
BINGLEY: Ah! Wonderful! I am certain this evening shall be absolutely delightful! (to SERVANT) Come, my good man! If you would announce us? Mr. Bingley, Miss Bingley, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst, and Mr. Darcy.
(By this time, the tune must have finished.)
SERVANT: Very well sir... (Loudly) Mr. Bingley, Miss Bingley, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst, Mr. Darcy.
SONG: Welcome Gentry (Ruddigore, Unmodified)
MERYTON WOMEN:
Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
Men of station,
Admiration
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greeting offer we!
BINGLEY:
When thoroughly tired
Of being admired,
By ladies of gentle degree--degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee--we flee!
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we!
ALL: From charms intramural, etc.
MERYTON WOMEN:
The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in this village
Are people of lowly degree--degree.
Though honest and active,
They're most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be--can be.
They're clumsy clodhoppers
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen
And drovers and cowmen,
And hedgers and reapers
And carters and keepers,
DARCY (mockingly): But never a lover for me!
Repeat Simultaniously So, Welcome Gentry/When thouroughly tired. At the end of it, Bingley is next to Jane. He bows to her.
BINGLEY: Tell me, might I have this dance?
JANE: Yes, of course.
BINGLEY (grins): Wonderful! Oh, but wait - Darce, aren't you going to dance?
DARCY: (rolls his eyes and walks over): I'm really not in the mood....
BINGLEY: Oh, come now! How about... (glances at Jane for advice, she motions towards ELIZABETH, who is nearby) Er, that maiden, over there?
DARCY: She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me. Really, Bingley! I am not in the mood to give consequence to ladies slighted by other men! (rolls his eyes and wanders off. ELIZABETH begins moving towards CHARLOTTE, MARIA, and several OTHER WOMEN)
BINGLEY (rolls his eyes): Ah, well. Come, Miss...
JANE: (shyly) Bennet. Jane Bennet.
BINGLEY: Well, Miss Bennet! Darce may not be amenable, but, shall we? (JANE nods, and they get in line for the next dance.)
ELIZABETH (to CHARLOTTE, MARIA, etc.): Oh, that Darcy! Would you believe what he said about me... (imitating him) I am not in the mood to give consequence to women slighted by other men.... (in her own voice) Really! I.... (MRS. BENNET rushes over.)
MARY runs over to the piano and begins playing Come, Mighty Must (Princess Ida) for the next dance. (This is especially effective in an ameteur production, where she can take over the actual piano.)
MRS. BENNET: Oh! look at them! Bingley! And Jane! Five thousand a year!!!!!
LYDIA: (coming over) Mother! Kitty stole my partner! I saw him first! Make her give him back!
ELIZABETH: (buries her face in her hands)
The curtain lowers, Mary being left outside, still playing Come Mighty Must. Enter MR BENNET.
MR BENNET: Yes, thank you, Mary, but I'm afraid the scene's over, and technically, that song's usually cut from Princess Ida anyway, so it's not quite appropriate to play. (MARY nods, and starts playing "Now all of the Crimes that I've read in the Times" (Ruddigore).) That one's usually cut as well, I'm afraid. Come, Mary, I'm afraid all the other young ladies want to display their accomplishments in the next scene. Anyway, you're in it. (They Exit [the regular pianist would return at this point])
Scene 4: Meryton Town Centre
A few Townspeople are mulling about.
Enter ELIZABETH, JANE, MARY, KITTY, LYDIA, MARIA, and CHARLOTTE
ELIZABETH: (half-joking) And so, from all I have learnt of him, then, and since, I must say that our Mr. Darcy seems to be the most disagreeable man I have ever known. I mean, really, he seems to be completely oblivious to how offensive he is....
SONG: If you'll give me your attention (Princess Ida)
LIZZY (imitating Darcy):
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am:
I'm a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes,
And little plans to snub the lower classes I devise;
I love my fellow-creatures--I do all the good I can--
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply,
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
Should any dear young maiden fall into some slight distress,
I'll do what is required, or perhaps a little less.
I know everybody's motives, and I like to make them plain:
If at first I am not understood, I'm happy to explain.
But to benefit humanity, however much I plan,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee;
I've such amiable staring, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an accomplished cold-shoulder, I've a fascinating leer;
To all things pride and prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute--and I do--
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man
And I can't think why!
JANE (amused. but against her better judgement): Really, Lizzy, you mustn't.... (conceals a giggle in a cough)
Enter WICKHAM, DENNY, and CARTER
SONG: We are Warriors Three. (Princess Ida)
(as introduction music plays)
LYDIA: Oh! Denny and Carter!
KITTY: But that man with them...
LYDIA: Well, he, of course, is mine.
KITTY: I don't see why you should get everything! Just because mama likes you best! I'm older!
LYDIA: She likes me better because I am better! Now, quick - how do I look?
(begin song proper)
WICKHAM:
We are warriors three,
Of men quite the best;
Like most men are we
Masculine in sex
ALL THREE:
Yes, yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
WICKHAM
Learning we all bar
In our regiment;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
ALL THREE:
No, no, no,
Not intelligent.
WICKHAM
But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part--
Fighting is our trade.
ALL THREE:
Yes, yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!
For a war we burn,
With its right or wrong, ha! ha!
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd,
We are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is our trade.
Yes -- yes, yes,
| THE THREE SOLDIERS Fighting is our trade, ha ha! Ha, Ha! Fighting is. Yes, yes, yes, Fighting is our trade, ha Ha! | THE WOMEN They are men of might, ha! ha! Fighting is their trade. Order comes to fight, ha! ha! Order is obey'd! Order comes to fight! Order is obey'd! Fighting is their trade! |
WICKHAM: (sweeping off his hat and bowing) Good afternoon, Ladies. Tell me, who was that of which you were speaking as we entered? For I did hear much hilarity.
ELIZABETH: I must apologise, I was just describing a recent acquaintance of mine... a Mr. Darcy. He has a most ridiculous character, although I may have exaggerated somewhat.
WICKHAM: A Mr. Darcy... I knew a Darcy once.... But, no, matter.
LYDIA: (batting eyelashes) I'm certain that such a man as you could know no-one who is as disagreeable as he.
DENNY: Indeed. Wickham is one of the best men of my knowledge, and he has today consented to join our regiment.
KITTY: And does he not look very fine in his red coat?
JANE: Kitty!
CARTER: (attempting to smooth things over) I am certain he, like all of us, develops a....
DENNY: ...a certain...
WICKHAM: ...dashing....
CARTER: ...yes, a certain dashing quality through his uniform, indeed.
LYDIA: Oh, la!
CARTER: So, Miss Lydia, if I might beg you to accompany me? I'll show you a fine demonstration of my riflery, if ever there was one.
LYDIA: Oh, la!
DENNY: (aside, to Kitty) Personally, I believe his riflery some of the shoddiest I have ever seen. Perhaps if I might demonstrate my own?
KITTY: Certainly. Perhaps if the four of us head to the rifle range?
(CARTER and DENNY look surprised and disappointed breifly)
CARTER: Er, yes. The rifle range.... (Exit CARTER, LYDIA, DENNY, and KITTY. )