Posted on Sunday, 14 July 2002

"A sachetorte is a delicious and delightful desert, as you must agree, but it is not a fit meal for peasants, who cannot even finish the stories they write about them. Therefore, only engage in making one if you have the firmness of resolve and the class to finish it. And that ends our program for today. The roast lamb with escalopes will be a delightful dinner, and any leftovers may be placed in the pantry in the shelves I advised you on the construction of last week. And remember - only Auntie Catherine knows what's best for you!"

"Aaaannnnnd - cut!" said Collins, the director. "A most excellent programme. You have shown the epitome of taste and good breeeding in deigning to advise such peasants on their eating habits."

"Thank you, although I am quite aware of my sacrifice, of course, but I fear I am needed. So, how's our viewing figures this week?"

"The advertising spots have successfully cowed 85% of the population into watching. John Thorpe's Guide to Car Repair has actually been moved to a different time slot, and there's now nothing running up against you... except..."

"Except?"

"Well, there's this group called the Dwiggies, and they seem to have a fascination with the life of the rich and famous."

"As they should. I am rich and famous."

"Indeed, but they prefer the more, er, romantic side.... I fear that they have arranged to have a dramitisation of your nephew's romance...."

"THEY ARE WATCHING WHAT?!?! That little fortune-hunting hussy and my foolish nephew are by no means as interesting as me! Come, Collins! We go to meet these 'Dwiggies'."

Sarah Marie was the first to meet the horrible fate. The two knocked at the door. She opened it. "Collins! Oh, I'm your biggest fan! Please - can I have your autograph? I've watched the bit of 'Pride and Prejudice' with you in it over and over and over! Oh! Come inside! Oh! And Lady Catherine! I love your show - although I tend to miss it on the Collins days...."

"I am most displeased. Most displeased indeed!" stated Catherine.

"I am sorry, oh noble lady. What have I done to upset you?"

"You seem to prefer my producer to me. This is unacceptable."

"Oh, that. I only prefer your producer physically, my lady. After all, how could anyone resist such a sexy beast...."

Lady Catherine peered at him. Yes, he did have a certain charm. "Very well, I order you two to get married, so that you may fawn over him whilst watching my programme. Good day."

The screams of delight were heard until they had walked quite far away indeed.

"Very well, the first dwiggie has consented easily enough. Let us try the next. Hmm. 'Tabbi and Coleen...' They sound like charming women."

Sadly, Lady Catherine was never seen again, although pictures of Mr. Collins soon spread throughout the internet. Sarah Marie's efforts to track down the sources, however, sadly failed. The cooking with Catherine slot was eventually replaced with the equally popular "Mrs. Bennet's Complete Guide to Marriage."

And the moral of the story: Sarah Marie is one messed up person. So is Tabbi. And Coleen. And Marks. And me. Indeed.... all the Dwiggies. So any dealings with any of them may be a bad idea. Flee!!! Whilst there's still time!