Jump to new as of June 4, 2001
I am confused. I am puzzled. I feel like crying, but I won't, I won't, I won't. I won't cry because if I did, they would think I'm giving in, as I always do. This time, I can't. Oh! Life is cruel! Edmund doesn't care for me, but Henry does. I care for Edmund, but not for Henry. My head hurts just thinking about it. Edmund loves Mary Crawford. I must remember that. He loves another, he carries hopes for another. Who am I to him? His baby cousin, too quiet, too shy and far too sickly to be even considered in the running for his attentions. But then again, no one thought I was in the running for Henry Crawford's attentions either. What's worse, Henry is Mary's brother. I hate Mary. I know it is evil, but I do. I hate her vitality, her health, her prettiness. I hate her for her accomplishments, and the way she can draw Edmund to her side by just a look. I hate her, but do I hate her brother? I have to admit, I do not. I could not hate a man who professes to love me as much as he does. But just because I do not hate him does not mean I like him either. He scares me. He changes, so fast, too fast for me. I look outside. The green park beckons. I cannot resist its call. I was never a great walker, but today seems so full with surprises and changes that I do not think twice. My head is really hurting now. I tell myself to think of William. Ahh. He brings relief. Of all the men I love, he is the one who I know truly loves me back. I put on my shawl and I creep out through the back door. I can hear Henry in my uncle's room. I freeze. I hear my name. Over and over again. But I am not noticed. I can hear no more. Through the back door, I make good my escape.
Fanny. What a name. It suits her to the last letter. It sounds so sweet, so shy, so kind, so wonderful. She is my angel. I never thought I knew what it felt to be in love, now I know it is the most wonderful feeling a man can ever feel. But she turned away. She turned away from me. And now my heart is breaking. I pretend that everything is fine, but inside, I hurt. I really, really hurt. If only she knew how I hurt. I am talking to her uncle about my hopes for us. Mrs. Fanny Crawford, she'll never be the queen of fashion or the leader of women in London, but she'll be my wife. The sound of our names together sends a shiver of joy down my spine. I must not give up hope. I know I must not, for if I do, she will be lost to me. I see her leaving the house through the back door. I can see her through the window in Sir Thomas's room. I feel worried for her delicate health. She is so gentle, anything could hurt her. And I know, her hold on me is so strong, I would hurt too if she does. Sir Thomas is saying something, but I cannot hear. I look at her go, once again. I remember the other night when we were sitting together and I was close enough to smell her. I have smelt many women, both fake and real scents, but I have never smelt anyone that smelt so much like the soft morning rain, the sweetness of nectar and the deepest rose. I remember her smell, and I close my eyes. Oh no! Sir Thomas thinks that I am bored with him. I assure him I am not, although I am. One must be careful with rich men like him. I hope Fanny will be fine.
I pace the room. One name runs through my mind. Mary, Mary, Mary. Such a sweet name. The name of the Blessed Virgin herself! But she is an enigma. She seems to care, but yet talks like she doesn't I can't make her out. I think of happier things. Fanny and Henry Crawford. What a match! I will see my Mary more often then. But what is it Fanny said? She doesn't love him? I don't believe it. She is just being shy as usual. Women are confusing.
I am walking in the grounds of Mansfield Park. It is so silent, I can hear my heart beating, and I know that I should stop, and turn around, but I can't. My legs just keep walking, and there is nothing my brain can do to stop them. So I walk. I look around. It is so green, so familiar, so beautiful. I can't imagine leaving the Park, for it is one with me. Step after step, I move deeper and deeper into the forest. My legs quicken, and before I know it, I am running like I have never done so before. My feet pounding, and my heart thudding along. I am terrified. I want to stop. Is this how it feels to be on a runaway horse? Except that it is not a horse that that is running, it is me, Fanny Price. A rumble from the sky, and my mind thinks, is God trying to tell me to stop? But I can't! Thump, thump, thump. My heart or my legs? I can't tell. God is getting worried. The heavens open, and the rain falls. The long awaited rain finally falls. I stop, panting, heaving with the exertion of running. The rain continues to fall. I spread open my arms to receive it. I feel like the people of yester years, celebrating the rain with dance. But I cannot dance, so I just stand there, my arms out stretched towards the gray sky. Then I start to turn, and turn, and turn. Sky, trees, rain, mud. They become as one the faster I swirl, but my wet dress catches between my legs, and I fall, the mud covering my face. I start to cry. It is hard to breathe under all the mud, and I claw at my face to get it off. When I do, I am so tired; I cannot walk back to Mansfield, and then, darkness.
I stand at the window. Looking, watching, hoping. But all I see is rain. My vision is blinded with tears. Where is Fanny? I turn away, and I see Edward, pulling his coat on, declaring he will venture out to find her. Noble Edward, kind Edward, caring Edward. Red rises in my eyes. I can see nothing else but Edward walking out of the house into the rain. I know. I know that it is he. It is he that stands in the way of Fanny saying yes to me. I know that it is he to whom her heart belongs. I run after him, grabbing my coat as well. I will not lose out to Edward. I will find Fanny.
I hear footsteps behind me. I turn, and I see Henry. I am glad that he is here to help me search. He looks worried, and he should be too. He runs past me, without once looking at me. Ah! He is a man in love. I will not take offence. I too am worried. Where could she be? She is so weak; she could not have walked far. I see Henry run off to the fields. I decide to check the forest. A sudden sense of urgency fills me, and I step up my pace. Where is Fanny in this accursed rain?
I see them run off after her. I understand my brother running off, but Edward should have stayed to comfort me. After all, Fanny is my dear friend, and I am unhappy. He should not have gone. Sir Thomas is fuming. But I can see that he is very worried. Lady Bertram faints, and her sister attends to her. I don't understand what the big fuss is about. She is just Fanny.
I run out into the fields, and out of the corner of my eye, I see Edward head toward the forest. I look around, but nothing. No Fanny. She is not in the fields, so I turn back, towards the forest.
I don't know where I am. It is bright here. And warm, which is more than what can be said about the place I was in just recently. I see beautiful people float around me. They are walking in and out of a gate. I think that it is like a shining marketplace. But a beautiful and clean one. I am drawn to the gates. They are white and they have a shimmer around them, like the finest pearls. I reach my hand out to touch them, and when I do, the people disappear, and a man approaches. He is so bright, I cannot look at him. He speaks, and his voice is so loud, yet so gentle. He tells me that I cannot enter, for it is not my time. Suddenly, I am cold again. I hear a voice call out my name. I recognize the voice. Edward.