Posted on Monday, 14 August 2000
It is a truth universally acknowledged that all toilets in possession of owners must be in want of good entertainment...
Once upon a time, in the land of chat, an idea was spawned as a Goddess and Lady (who wasn't a lady) were floating in a toilet bowl. The idea...? Pride and Prejudice in the Toilet. Now this may come as a shock to some, maybe even down right disgusting to others, but to those of us in chat, it's quite hilarious. Thus, we begin our journey into the land of porcelain.
Darcy was walking down one of the many lanes at Rosings Park, brooding about the fine-eyed Miss Elizabeth Bennet, when all of a sudden he dropped off the edge of the scene and landed in cold water. Gasping for air, he floundered in the water a moment wondering where he was and how he had gotten there. He looked all around, only noticing slick white walls on all sides. There appeared to be no exit. Looking above him, he noticed an opening of some sort. He tried jumping up and down in the water but only succeeded in almost drowning himself. He also tried climbing up the sides but only slid back down into the water. So he resorted to the age old way of getting attention...he started yelling.
"HEEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPPP SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!! RICHARD? ANNE? ANYBODY? ARE YOU OUT THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?" His hollering echoed off the sides of his new abode, making his ears ring. Sighing with disgust, he continued yelling, hoping for someone to come along.
Thunder galloped through the fields of Rosings Park, the wind blowing through his black mane, as his rider urged him faster. Thunder didn't mind, he loved flying free and hard with his Master upon him. Suddenly the road disappeared, and Thunder was suspended in air. Huh? Thought both rider and horse before plummeting into the icy toilet water below.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The Colonel screamed as his horse neighed in fright. He noticed Darcy also in the strange "pond" he had just fallen into. "DARCY! Where in the world are we?"
"I have no idea, Fitzwilliam. I was just walking along, minding my own beeswax when suddenly I fell into this...water chamber thing." Darcy motioned to the toilet bowl.
"Well how do we get out?" Fitzwilliam asked, Darcy just shrugged and went back to yelling. After a moments hesitation, Col. Fitzwilliam joined in, along with his horse.
Elizabeth Bennet heard all the yelling as she came around a copse of trees. Frowning, she slowly advanced toward the sounds of screaming, wondering whatever was happening that would cause such a ruckus. She came upon a large opening in the ground and looked down cautiously. She gasped in shock. There was Col. Fitzwilliam, a horse, and Darcy all swimming around in a "lake" of some sort.
"Hello? What are you two doing down there? What is this thing?" She asked.
"Miss Bennet! You must help us! We have fallen into this odd contraption and cannot seem to get out! Go find the groundskeeper or someone." Darcy demanded.
Lizzy sniffed disdainfully, "And why, pray tell should I do anything for you?" With that she flounced off without another word. But she didn't get far before a monstrous dragon came charging up the lane.
"What is this you are talking of? I must have my share of the conversation! I am quite put out!" the last part of the sentence was accompanied by a snort of flames shooting out of Lady Dragonbreath's....err Lady Catherine's nostrils.
Lizzy, quite startled by this display, turned and ran as fast as she could, forgetting about the toilet in the ground. She tripped on her gown and went tumbling into the water before she could stop herself. The sound of pounding footsteps could be heard, then suddenly Lady Catherine's face appeared. "You unfeeling, selfish girl! Have you no thought to the credit of my nephew? To be flouncing about the countryside and swimming with a man, IT IS NOT TO BE BOURNE!"
The sound of slurping and scraping was heard, and just as Lady Catherine turned to see who the new arrival was, she was pushed into the Toilet Bowl herself. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! MR. COLLINS!"
A huge slimy squeegee stood above the hole, some kind of goo dripping from its bristles. "Oh your Ladyship, allow me to find some help for you! Your most kind, condescending manor, your benevolence has never been outdone..."
"YES YES! Just go get some help you odious toad!" Lady Catherine smacked her hand against the water, splashing everyone and putting out her fiery breath. The squeegee scuttled off leaving a trail of sludge behind him.
After about ten minute, the toad had still not returned, and the water was cold. Everyone's teeth were chattering as they waited for some kind of aid to come. Just then Elizabeth looked at Darcy, noticing him staring at her intently. His smoldering gaze heated her up considerably and the water around her started steaming. The condensation made it hard to see, but the two made their way toward one another. After a moment of gazing each other dreamily, they fell into each others embrace, kissing passionately. Lady Catherine, the horse, and Col. Fitzwilliam squinted into the fog, which was becoming thicker, in search of the other two.
Suddenly the sound of buzzing came from overhead. Lizzy and Darcy broke apart guiltily and looked up, trying to see through the steamy air. A loud quack was heard, then more buzzing, and suddenly the fog cleared...to reveal Caroline Bingley in a duck suit, flying a pumpkin colored airplane.
"Oh my poor Mr. Darcy! What have they done to you?" Caroline quacked indignantly. "Do not fear my love, I shall save you then we can announce our engagement to all of society! What a handsome pair we shall make!" Darcy was disgusted by this, as was Elizabeth. Circling around the toilet bowl while Elizabeth and Darcy huddled together, the duck shrieked angrily. "Get your hands off him, you manipulative vixen! I will not tolerate your interference between my Darcy and I!"
Caroline swooped down with her plane, grabbing Darcy out of the water, and flying off leaving the others still stuck in the toilet bowl. Darcy, not about to be separated by his beloved Elizabeth, squirmed and wiggled, trying to get away from Caroline's grasp.
At that moment, the squeegee came slurping up the lane followed by a flock of people. His momentum however, prevented him from stopping in time and he too fell inside the toilet. His followers gathered at the edge of the toilet bowl. The group consisted of George Wickham, Henry Crawford, Willoughby, Mr. Elton, and Lydia. They had instruments and started playing Blue Danube. The instruments included a few strings, a kazoo, and something that made a quacking noise.
Reaching behind Caroline's seat, Darcy grabbed a bottle of Toilet Duck and dumped it on her head. The plane dove abruptly as Caroline screeched loudly. They crashed back into the toilet splashing everyone once again. The music suddenly changed into a tune from the Titanic soundtrack as they fell into the freezing water.
Caroline started quacking noisily about her hair and the lace on her dress. Darcy and Elizabeth grabbed her quickly then tied her to the squeegee named Collins and left her to fend for herself. The squeegee started sermonizing about the proper way to catch a husband, and pointing out that ducks are supposed to like water.
Everyone laughed at her, well everyone except herself and Lady Catherine, who was having a cow at not being the center of attention. She was very disgruntled about having to sit in the toilet while waiting for help. She was Lady Catherine DeBourgh and this was quite vexing.
Shrieking indignantly, Lady Catherine said, "ARE THE TOILETS OF ROSINGS TO BE THUS POLLUTED?!"
Elizabeth grabbed Collins by his handle and extended it toward Lady Catherine. "Well, if you do not think it clean enough, then clean it yourself!"
"Do you mock me, girl?" Lady Catherine squinted her eyes evilly, then chased after Lizzy with the squeegee as a weapon. However, she was not agile and soon fell face first into the water, coughing and sputtering. "COLLINS! COLLINS!"
The squeegee scrambled up quickly. "What is it m'lady? Whatever your ladyship wishes, I shall endeavor to bring it to you..."
"YES YES! Just lay down in the water so I may stand on you!" She ordered grouchily, and Collins consented immediately. This gave her a good view of the entire toilet bowl, and she immediately noticed commotion in one corner.
Colonel Fitzwilliam was floating with his horse...but wait, there was someone else there! And the Colonel wasn't floating, he was trying to get away from some woman, but who was she. Lady Catherine got out her fishing rod that she just happened to have with her and she caught the woman by the back of the pants. The woman kicked and screamed. She tried her hardest to get away. The musicians started playing Splish Splash as Lady C reeled her in. "Young woman, what do you think you are doing?"
"I am getting my Hotloins." the woman said as she waggled her eyebrows.
"Hotloins??" Lady C looked confused. "Who are you?"
"I am Lady Tabitha. Nice outfit Lady C. You look like something the cat dragged in." the woman cackled evilly.
"How dare you! I am Lady Catherine DeBourgh and I deserve every respect. Where is Darcy, he will deal with you."
"I believe that your nephew is in the process of being drowned by Miss Bennet and Goddess Meggie. They both believe that they have a right to him and Darcy says that there is more than enough to go around, but you see the problem is...Goddess Meggie simply can't share."
Lady Catherine got her fishing rod out once again and caught the young lady by the back of her Toga. Goddess Meggie tried to keep her hold on Darcy, but he finally slipped out of her grasp. She was flung backwards rather violently as Lady C gave a hard jerk to the pole, "ACK!"
"Goddess Meggie, listen carefully. You will not get my nephew, and neither will that interfering, manipulative Elizabeth Bennet. He is going to marry my Anne. Now what have you to say about this."
"Only this, that if he is so, I don't care. I am a Goddess and I rule all." Meggie laughed in Lady C's face. She did a cannonball off of the side of the squeegee getting everyone wet and causing Caroline's screeched to be drowned out (to everyone's relief) by the wave of water that covered her. Goddess Meggie swam back over to Darcy and handcuffed him to herself. Meanwhile, Lady Tabitha had escaped and was on her way to rescue her Hotloins.
"Ooooooooooooh Studmuffin!!! Come back here, love. I won't hurt you, I promise to take very good care of you!" Lady Tab splashed after her Colon(el) excitedly. Too many times he had gotten away from her, but not this time...this time, he would be hers!
A shout was heard from above and everyone stopped what they were doing to look up. There stood Colonel Brandon and Captain Wentworth, staring at them all with looks of confusion.
"I say, can we help you gentleman? We heard all the screaming and carrying on. We have some rope here to help you all out." Yelled Captain Wentworth.
Cheers rose up all around, except from Meggie and Tabbi, they were having too much fun with their wet Darcy and Colonel. They hefted a sigh and looked at each other with sad pathetic faces, then they sniffled. Then to the complete amazement of everyone in the toilet bowl, they started sobbing uncontrollably onto each others shoulders.
You see, every time they came close to getting their men, someone came along to rescue them. All the stress had finally got to them and their emotions overflowed. Colonel Fitzwilliam and Darcy looked at them worriedly. Then, being the gentlemen that they are, approached them to comfort them. Tabbi and Meggie latched onto them like a lifeline and continued sobbing as the rescue mission went on around them. Soon the only ones left in the bowl were Goddess Meggie, Lady Tabbi, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and Darcy.
Tabbi's head came up suddenly and she looked at Hotpants with a wicked grin. "Hey, you're looking for a rich heiress, right? Well, I'm yer woman! Plus I'm fun, witty, intelligent...what more can you ask for? Marry me!!"
"Uhhh," Fitzwilliam looked at his cousin for help, but Darcy only shrugged. He turned back to Tabbi and smiled weakly. "Sure, why not."
"WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Tabbi cheered enthusiastically, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him soundly. Pulling back she said, "You won't regret this Studmuffin!!"
All of a sudden, a naval hat floated down into the water. Everyone looked up to see Captain Wentworth looking down at them. "Sorry to interrupt this touching scene, but, are you all ready to be rescued? Or do you plan on staying down there all day?"
"Yes, please get us out of here." Glancing down at the leech Meggie, Darcy then said, "Well...get Lady Tabitha, Richard, and I out of here." Darcy was anxious to get back to Elizabeth and away from this slobbering young lady clinging to his neck.
Darcy helped Lady Tabitha up the rope, then Colonel Fitzwilliam climbed up. Goddess Meggie let go of Darcy thinking that she would be the next up the rope, but Darcy climbed up instead, leaving Meggie in the toilet bowl.
"Hey, what about me??" she said when Darcy reached the top and had undone the rope.
Darcy felt horrible as he saw the tears well up in her eyes, but he also didn't want her drooling all over his cravat again. Seeing a shiny silver thing sticking out of the ground, he sat down, wondering what to do. All of a sudden the ground started to shake and screaming came from the toilet. He rushed over to find Meggie in some sort of whirlpool.
Lady Tabitha walked over to Darcy and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"What did I do?"
"You flushed her down the toilet, you moron! ARGH!" Lady Tabitha threw her hands in the air...(and then balanced them on her nose and began barking like a seal to the complete horror and amazement of everyone there. Suddenly, she stopped as she noticed the strange looks everyone was giving her. "Ahem, yeah right." Reattaching her hands, she glared at Darcy again.)
"Uhh...Richard! Call off your fiancée man!" Darcy yelped as Lady Tabitha chases him around the rim of the toilet, knocking the entire orchestra into the water. "I'M SORRY!! Honestly! I didn't know what that silver thing was, can't we do anything to help...err Goddess Meggie?"
"NO! Now she's gone." Lady Tabitha looked down into the now empty bowl and sighed, "Oh well, she is a Goddess and she does rule the toilet bowl. I am sure that she'll be all right once she adjusts to marine life."
"What???" Both Darcy and Fitzwilliam looked confused.
"Goddess Meggie has some strange powers. For one, she can transform herself into any form. Once she gets to sea, she'll turn into a mermaid until she can get back to land. Once she returns, you have some apologizing to do." Lady Tabbi explained.
"Well how will I know when she gets back?"
Lady Tabitha grinned, and arched an eyebrow, "Believe me you won't be able to miss her!" With that she walked off arm in arm with her beloved Colonel Fitzwilliam.
A few days later, Goddess Meggie came in one of Darcy's dreams, asking him to meet her at the toilet bowl. Darcy sat up in his bed, looking around anxiously, knowing it was a dream, but that he had to obey the dream. Getting up, he put his slippers and robe on, grabbed a candle and headed outside. Standing just at the front door of Rosings, he tried to remember which path he had taken, the memory was so fuzzy in his mind, and he would surely be walking all night trying to find it. Then a duck waddled up to Darcy, poked him with its beak and headed down a trail to the east of the great house.
Arriving, and looking down into the bowl, he spotted Meggie sitting on a thrown with servants all around her. Meggie raised her hand, causing a giant urinal cake to ascend, "Come on down, Darcy and let's talk."
Darcy cautiously got onto the weird smelling pink thing and was slowly lowered down....and down...and down until he was up to his neck in the water, completely drenching his nightclothes. Then Meggie raised him up so the pad was on top of the water and proceeded to drool.
Darcy stood for a moment, looking uncomfortable, then cleared his throat, "You called me down here for...?"
"What? OH! Oh, yes right!" Meggie controlled her raging hormones, and said, "I shall forgive you for flushing me, but only if you come to visit me once a week."
His jaw dropped open, "ONCE A WEEK?"
Meggie glared, "Yes, is that a problem, Fitz!"
"Uh, no not at all! Sure, ok, yeah that'll be fine, great." He nodded to himself.
In the next few years Lady Tabitha Fitzwilliam and her husband lived happily as well as Mr. and Mrs. Darcy. And, if you ever wonder why Darcy made his routine trip outside, rain or shine, just read this story and remember the day Goddess Meggie and her Toilet Bowl came to England.