Posted on Tuesday, 23 May 2000, at 7 : 49 p.m.
Author's note: Okay Ashka this is for you! My addition to the Ultimate Imagination Dwiggie Contest...I hope you all enjoy it! :OD
Darcy turned over again in his bed, arms flailing about wildly as he once again dreamt of an enchanting lady with fine eyes. He beat his head against the pillow, tried suffocation, counting sheep and dancing pink elephants, but to no avail. Miss Elizabeth Bennet would not get out of his head. Finally he gave up and got out of bed, pacing the room restlessly, and gave a great show of legs to all those who were watching through the many drill-holes installed for Dwiggie enjoyment. The many sighs and moans made Darcy turn abruptly as he wondered where all the noise had come from. A few of the peepers instantly ducked, some eyes simply widened in shock, and a yelp was heard by one or two of the Dwiggie ladies. Darcy walked over to the drill-holes and put his face close to a hole, coming eye-to-eye (literally) with one of the spies.
"Jeepers Creepers! Where'd ya get those peepers?" He asked one of the ladies. She gasped and quickly took off at a run. The rest were soon behind her as Darcy stood in his room scratching his head in confusion. "Now what in Samheck was that all abute?"
Shrugging he turned around to get back into bed only to notice a strange lady with nothing but leopard print bikinis on. His eyes bulged from their sockets and his jaw dropped to the floor (very Looney Tune style) as the above mentioned lady fluttered her eyelashes becomingly.
"Oh my Darcy-poo, come give your little kitty the welcome she has been waiting for." Pamela Anderson practically purred crooking her finger.
Swallowing nervously, Darcy asked, "Uh, who are you?"
She clicked her tongue in admonishment. "Oh you silly man, tee hee! What a fine joke! Now come to your Pammy-Wammy!" She stood up and advanced upon Darcy like a rabid wolf.
Suddenly the door burst open showing a similiarly clad Elizabeth Bennet holding a Louisville slugger. Her eyes were blood-shot with a half-crazed look in them, her hair was blousily arranged around her brown and course face. A shocked gasp came from Caroline Bingley who sat in her room at Netherfield reading this story on www.austen.com. She thought she should hardly know her! (big surprise) Anyway back to the story...
"Stand back you flatulent-induced crust muffin!" shrieked Lizzy at the top of her lungs. "Fitzwilliam Darcy is mine! Back away from him nice and slow and nobody gets hurt!"
"But...but...what the...?" Darcy stuttered incoherantly.
Elizabeth walked over to Darcy and patted his arm reassuringly. "Don't you worry honey-buns, Lizzy is here to protect you!" She smiled at him sweetly, then turned back to Pamela Anderson with a sneer. "As for you! If I ever catch you looking at my future husband again I'll.... I'll...............*light bulb pops on over her head* I shall send Mr. William Collins after you to preach Fordyce's sermon until you are screaming in agony!" She grinned triumphantly as Pamela fell to her knees and wheepingly begged for mercy from such a cruel fate.
However Fate must have been busy at that particular moment because the above said clergyman slithered his way into the room upon the mention of his name. He bowed and slurped and sludged, then squished to a stop with a flushed face and wheezing breath, bowed once more and opened his mouth. (at which point everyone cowers in fear at the opposite side of the room) "My Dear Elizabeth...Although I am quite shocked to find you in such a scene as unfolds before me, I will not be deterred one minute longer in securing your hand as the companion of my future life. For my Honorable Patroness has told me to find a wife, a gentlewoman...blah blah blah (for half and hour)...And now nothing remains for me but to assure you in the most animated language of the violence of my affection...." he would have continued if it had not been for the rude, but very understandable, sound of retching coming from the party before him. Quite confused at the sudden illness of his cousin and the other two, he stared in silence (shocking isn't it?) for a moment before he opened his mouth once again to speak. "And....*mumble mumble*....*more rectching which covers up any sound escaping from the toads lips*......*sigh gasp pant from Mr. Collins*....when we are married."
Lizzy looked at Mr. Collins with disgust and fear, screamed shrilly, dodged past him, and sprinted for the nearest church where she pleaded sanctuary. After a slight hesitation, Darcy crept around the toad with a wary expression, and dove quickly out of the room. "Oh come back my little love puddle!" He looked at the audience, waggled his eyebrows and began boucing after her in Pepe Le Pew style.
Still in Darcy's bedroom at Pemberley...
Pamela gulped fearfully as the slimeball oozed toward her, leering quite openly, as his mouth opened and shut (sort of like a goldfish). She inhaled deeply, ready to scream, just as Lady Catherine walked in the door. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
Lady Catherine glared evily at the scantily clad hussy. "Young lady, do you know who I am? I shall not tolerate your unlady-like behavior. Lord, you are quite more obnoxious than that upstart, pretensious Miss Elizabeth Bennet! And why are you in my nephews room? Your arts and allurements shall not draw him in, for he is engaged to my Anne!" Squinting her eyes, she looked around, finally noticing the puddle of blubber that stood in awe and blathered on about her condescensions. "Mr.Collins! Do shut up! Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?" Throwing her hands in the air, she exited the room, and started screeching for Darcy while Mr. Collins obediently followed his patroness.
Col. Fitzwilliam came charging in the front door of Pemberley, wearing only a speedo and panicked look. Panting harshly, he dashed past Lady Catherine and her toad, darted into a room and slammed the door. The two obnoxious ones gaped in astonishment, then swung around as the door opened again, admitting a gang of wild-eyed women dressed in strange attire.
"WHICH WAY? WHICH WAY?" They demanded anxiously.
Without a word, the toad pointed to his right and the women stampeded down the hall to find their beloved Colonel. A masculine scream echoed down the foyer, glass broke, more screams, then all was silent. The women thundered back down the hall and out the door after Col. Hotpants who had jumped out the window to escape. "YOU CAN RUN STUDMUFFIN! BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!" Their yelling faded into the distance, leaving Lady Catherine and the toad completely silenced. For once you could actually hear the sounds of nature... the bees buzzed, the birds chirped, the cows moo'd. All in all it was a rather peaceful setting....and then Mrs Bennet appeared.
"Oh my poor nerves! I have such flutterings in my chest, I shall expire on the spot!" Frantic wavings of her hankerchief, pathetic moans, and twelve gasps later, Mrs. Bennet finally passed out.
Five EMT's came rushing in, lifted Mrs. Bennet onto a stretcher and ran out of the house. Moments later the sound of sirens were heard as she was rushed to the ER, where she met some very handsome doctors, praised the beauty and talent of her daughters and managed to get a janitor to propose to Mary Bennet. They lived happily ever after.
Fade to black then come back to Lady Catherine
Tapping her cane against the floor, Lady Catherine demanded, "Where is my nephew?"
A servant who had been passing swallowed hard and said meekly, "I...uh...believe he went after a Miss Bennet, ma'am. Said somethin' bout marryin 'er."
"WHAAT?" Her shriek shattered windows for miles, including the windows of the carriage that was now taking Darcy and Lizzy to Gretna Green.
Darcy grimaced, "I believe my aunt has just found out about our plans, dearest."
"Ah Phooey! Your aunt can go suck a pickled egg for all I care!" Stated Lizzy, still dressed only in a leapord print bikini but wrapped in Darcy's greatcoat so she didn't catch a chill.
Darcy laughed at the picture this brought to mind and joined Lizzy on the opposite seat of the carriage. "Well I could care less either! We have much better things to occupy our time with!"
*picture fades out just in time to save TabbiW from being disqualified*