Posted on Saturday, 22 July 2000
It is a truth universally acknowledged that any person that has chatted at Austen.com becomes addicted and must be in want of a chat partner...
It is also universally acknowledged that chatting can lead to dangerous outcomes, and so I present to you, a story of late night chat...
It was a day like any other day in the land of Austen Chat. A lone person might amuse themselves by quoting JA novels, favorite poetry, or song lyrics, praying for another soul to come along. However, there are some other Dwiggies that prefer visual images and therefore flood the chat with them. Whenever another person just happens to come along and finds the other in mid-fantasy they are quite often confuzzled, and upon further explanation, remain even more so. It was on one of these particular days that Tabbi W. was sitting in chat, bored out of her mind and beating imaginary Typo Daemons with a fish, a gavel, and a telephone. She had almost conquered the day when another chatter entered, who happened to be a fellow "crazy late nighter", and they soon fell into a larger act of silliness.
However, it soon got out of hand, and where there was once good-natured joking, it was full-blown insults and challenges.
Tabbi stood proudly, removed her glove and smacked Kathy in the face. "I challenge thee to a duel, Madam."
Kathy hefted up her large trout and walloped Tabbi across the head, sending her flying, "I ACCEPT!"
Tabbi, not about to be outdone, stood up quickly, grabbing the phone. She beat Kathy over the head with it, and yelled, "GOOD!!!!!!"
They were busy glaring at each other when a short, bald man walked up. "Hey, this is no place for a fight! It's time for another JANE AUSTEN DEATHMATCH!! LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!!!!" And with a snap of his fingers, Tabbi and Kathy found themselves transported into the center of a wrestling ring.
"What the...?" Kathy's question was cut off by the piercing shriek of the announcer's voice.
"HI! THIS IS DAN," the voice boomed. "We're here again tonight with more of those insane Dwiggies. Except this time, none of Jane Austen's actual characters are here to fight. This challenge is between Kathy and Tabbi, two authors's at the DWG, and two very hyper chatters from what I hear. They are now here to challenge each other for best insult giver."
Stan added, "Dan, this is going to be one heck of a fight, these two can be brutal with the insults!! Let's go down to the ring and see what's happening."
Down in the ring...
Tabbi looked down at her clothing, noticing for the first time exactly what she was wearing. The fuchsia ballerina outfit was absolutely disgusting and she demanded a change of clothes. The little bald man replied it was too late and she would just have to deal with it. She glared evilly at him, silently swearing revenge on the little toad.
Kathy was wearing a fluorescent orange colored leather mini-skirt and matching tube top. She gaped in astonishment at the offensive clothing and likewise glared at the little man. Once this Deathmatch was over, she would ensure he suffered greatly for this. The entire Dwiggie crowd sat on one side, while the Jane Austen characters sat on the other. Everyone was buying tortillas galore in preparation of the match, and was already screaming for it to begin. Cheers could be heard for both Tabbi and Kathy on the Dwiggie side. However, the JA heroes were unsure who to cheer for. Although Kathy hadn't tormented them like Tabbi, she had turned them into body parts, so they weren't inclined to very supportive of either lady.
Tabbi glanced out the corner of her eye, noticing two shadows skirting around the edges of the crowds with squirt guns and water balloons. Looking closer, she easily made out Meghan and Tiki's silhouette and giggled to herself. It seems that Darcy would not escape this Deathmatch unscathed either. Spotting her beloved Colon(el) Richard Fitzwilliam sitting in the audience, Tabbi blew him kisses and winked at him. He smiled showing off his dimples, and gave her a thumbs up, almost causing her to melt. Kathy was blowing kisses to Darcy and Crawford, the former looking uncomfortable and the second, grinning back roguishly.
The referee grabbed a microphone suspended over the ring and began shouting into it. "LAAAAAAADDDIIEEEEEESSSS AND GEEEEEEENTLEMEEEEEEEEEENNNNN! WELCOME TO AUSTEN CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH." A tortilla went flying past Tabbi's right ear smacking Kathy in the face. She glared at the audience behind Tabbi, and everyone looked away innocently. "In the fuchsia corner we have, Tabitha "Snot Rocket, the Monkey" and in the orange corner we have Kathy "Zulu, The Magic Chicken!"
The crowd went wild, more tortillas flew, and a shoe smacked Tabbi in back of the head. A vaguely familiar person who should have been in London, stood at the front of the crowd. She shook up a soda bottle, popped off the cap, and shot the soda into the ring, drenching everyone. Tabbi turned around and glared. "I know it was you Coleen, and believe me you will pay!!!!!!!!!!!! DEARLY!" Coleen ran back to England, laughing evilly.
"We were doing better in the chat room," Kathy said with a grimace. "At least there, they were ignoring us."
Tabbi waggled her eyebrows. "Yes, but we didn't have our favorite men there."
Kathy snirted. "What are you talking about? You had three of them on your lap."
Tabbi shrugged, realizing that her point had been lost. After a second of thought, she picked up a tortilla that lay at her feet and smacked Kathy over the head with it. Kathy fell on her bum from the force of the unexpected attack, and for a moment, sat on the ground staring up in shock at Tabbi. "Oh, now it's war!" she cried at last, and hurled a leftover mango from another Deathmatch at Tabbi, an action which caused the crowd to erupt in cheers.
Splat! Tabbi stood in shock, mango dripping off her face onto her fuchsia top. "Why you lizard-livered lima bean!" she screamed, whacking Kathy in the face with a fish.
"You fickle nickel pickle breath!" Kathy bounced a ball off of Tabbi's head.
The ball, filled with sugar for some odd reason, caused Tabbi to fall to the ground, as well. "Biggy piggy COL BRANDON LOVER!"
"Belly jelly EDMUND LOVER!" screamed Kathy at the top of her lungs, which caused numerous Dwiggies to cringe, and Tabbi to clap her hands over her ears, leaving her defenseless against the dice that flew at her, one sticking in Tabbi's nose. Tabbi inhaled deeply then shot the dice out of her nose straight at Kathy, smacking her in the forehead.
Kathy then tried to hit her with an encyclopedia, but Tabbi quickly shouted, "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me!" and the book turned into a water cooler, which drenched Tabbi and those sitting behind her, which happened to include Darcy. Kathy began to drool, but Tabbi, who hadn't looked behind her yet, was in full command of her capabilities, so she tried a move she had once seen on WCW. She bounced off the side of the ring and came at Kathy at full force. Kathy happened at that moment to take a step towards Darcy, so Tabbi missed her completely, instead hurtling herself out of the ring and into her Colonel's lap.
A flying tortilla knocked Kathy out of her daze, and she looked around, trying to find her opponent. But she was stopped cold when she felt the rumble beneath her feet. The auditorium gradually became quiet as a sound much like thunder began to be heard in the distance, slowly coming closer. Everyone's eyes turned to the doorway as someone ran through, screaming. Shemmelle was looking frazzled, obviously because she had been running very fast away from what ever it was that was on its way to the auditorium.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THEY'RE COMING!!" she screamed.
The crowd went into utter, complete chaos. No one knew, of course, what was coming, but just the fact that something was coming was enough to get everyone freaked out. And then...they appeared.
Now, you've seen grizzly bears, and polar bears, and maybe even black bears. But you have NEVER seen something like this-a herd of wild psycho bears on the prowl, perhaps driven from their usual grazing ground by attacking fish.
Kathy, ever fearful of the psycho bears made a dash for the nearest exit. Tabbi grabbed her and pulled her back to the ring.
"KATHY!!!!!! We have to stop them! Otherwise they'll take over all of DWG and chat next! Face your fear...use the force woman!" Tabbi shouted while the bears advanced even closer.
Kathy stood frozen in fear, chanting, "Can't sleep, bears will eat me.....can't sleep, bears will eat me...can't sleep, bears will eat me...."
Screaming in frustration, Tabbi dragged Kathy out of the ring just as a few of the bears entered it. She headed towards the locker room, all the while screaming for Kathy to snap out of it. Then she noticed a door with a sign Basement and quickly entered. Standing on the top step she smacked Kathy a few times but to no avail, screaming and cursing but no response.
"Think...think. AHA! I got it!" Tabbi shouted triumphantly. "HEY SLIMEY GRIMEY COLLINS LOVER!!!!!!!"
Kathy screamed in terror for a full five minutes, while Tabbi stood with her hands over her ears. Kathy looked around wildly, panting, "You...you...YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!"
"Yes, it's me." Smirked Tabbi. "Now come on the psycho bears are here and we have to find a way to stop them."
"BUT HOW?? What if they eat us?" Kathy shrieked.
Tabbi grinned evilly, "Trust me, they aren't going to eat us! Now follow me!"
They ran down the stairs, through a maze of hallways and finally came to a large open area. There was a huge stage in the center of the room, with instruments on it.
"Hey! That's where the band is raised and lowered up in the ring." Tabbi looked around the room thoughtfully. "Yes this will do."
"Do for what?"
"Well, we are going to raise ourselves up into that ring and take out the entire species of psycho bears!" Tabbi ran around the room picking up some drum sticks, a few guitar picks, and some other various objects that could be used as weapons.
Kathy started walking around the room, also looking for weapons, and armory. She spotted a door that read Amunition and called to Tabbi, "Hey, come check this out!"
The door was locked so Tabbi pulled a piece of cord from the guitar and used it to jimmy the lock. She gasped when the door opened. There before them was a room full of bombs, SWAT team uniforms, firearms, and a bazooka. Squealing with delight they grabbed as much as they could, changed into the SWAT gear and stood on the stage area.
Kathy hit the switch and they slowly began their ascent, both taking deep breaths to calm their thundering hearts. As they entered onto the ring, they looked around them, noticing a few people still running around. The entire psycho bear population was still there, eating the tortillas and chasing after the poor, defenseless people. Col. Fitzwilliam, Darcy, and Crawford all stood in one corner, surrounded by the bears. They took turns beating the bears with Coleen's big stick, which she had left behind.
Seeing their beloved men being attacked filled them with such rage, they forgot their fear and charged in, yelling. "LEAVE THEM ALONE YOU PSYCHOTIC BEARS!! I'LL SHOW YOU A THING OR TWELVE!!!"
And thus began a long fight between the two women and the entire gang of bears. Tabbi took out two by feeding them bombs. KABOOM! The bears shot straight through the roof of the building. Kathy had found a rope and lassoed one around its neck, swung him over her head and sent it crashing into the wall, which knocked it unconscious. They both ganged up on the ten bears that were left, easily taking them out one by one. Tabbi shot one in the buttocks, and he was rushed off by the Medic team. Kathy gave five of them some beer till they were drunk, then beat them over the head with her gun, knocking them out also. The other four, seeing they were outnumbered waved a tiny white flag of surrender, but these two ladies "accepted no prisoners". Therefore they continued thrashing and beating until all the bears were terminated. I won't describe the scene but the guitar picks and drums sticks were put to very good use.
Gasping for breath, they looked around for their men, spotting them still standing in the same corner with shocked expressions. They snirted derisively at the men's cowardice.
"HA! Here we are fighting off psycho bears left and right, while they just stand there gawking. How gallant can you get?" Kathy sneered.
Tabbi grinned, "Yeah but what can you expect? They are men after all, the weaker sex."
They chortled at this, sighed and walked towards the men, who by now had their senses back.
"Oh my! Are you alright Tabbi? I'm so sorry, I've never seen such magnificent displays of fighting skills! You ladies were...were...excellent!" Col. Fitzwilliam exclaimed. Tabbi grinned, grabbed her Colonel and began kissing him passionately.
Darcy blinked a few times, and nodded, unsure what to think. Crawford kissed Kathy's hand and began flattering her wonderful display of heroics. Kathy melted and wrapped her arms around Crawford's neck, and began kissing him. Darcy cleared his throat, breaking up the kissing scenes. Tabbi and Kathy looked at each other, waggled their eyebrows and dragged off the Colonel and Crawford, respectively.
And so, here ends another day in our chat world. Where images of teddy bears become the things of nightmares, and fish are used as fighting instruments. Where the water coolers fly and telephones bite. Where we all find a haven in an insane environment. Where we all come to worship all things Austen, and even sometimes disagree. Where Dwiggies and Austen characters unite in a Utopian world. Where story ideas are made and improved. Where Deathmatches are spawned...
Kathy smacks Tabbi upside the head with a trout. "ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT!!!! Enough already! Sheesh woman!"
Rubbing her aching head, "Hey what'd ya do that for, ya sniffling whiffling peanut booger."
Kathy squinted her eyes dangerously. "Oh so that's the way it's going to be eh? Well, fine then, ya smelly nelly piggly butt."
"Oh, yeah, you dirty flirty light skirt!"
"Well. I NEVER!" Kathy gasped.
"Yeah, let's hope not!" Tabbi retorted smartly, and began walking away.
"Get back here you flying crying lemon sucker!" She ran to catch up with Tabbi. And so the insults kept flying back and forth as our two heroines walked off into the sunset.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" They came running out of the sunset, screaming in pain. "IT BURNS IT BURNS!!"
Meghan and Tiki, who had been looking for their beloved Darcy noticed this and ran over to them. They threw their water coolers at the burning duo, completely drenching them. Tabbi and Kathy coughed and sputtered, then hugged their saviors,
"Thank you Meghan and Tiki!!" They chirped happily, then all four of them set off to find their Austen men.