Beginning, Section II

Chapter 9: Fool

Posted on 2010-05-02

seems my own arrogance has knocked me off my feet again
when you know I'm crawling to you as fast as I can
first teach me to walk and then I'll learn to dance for you like an
honest clumsy clown
tripping along the way

The following days at Pemberley were pleasant ones, though Darcy quickly caught onto his sister and cousin's efforts to leave himself and Elizabeth alone as frequently as possible. He wasn't angry about it, no, but he worried what Elizabeth would think about it. Her feelings toward him had been so eloquently phrased those couple weeks ago that he treaded lightly around her. He did occasionally slip up, however.

"Mr. Darcy, are you following me?" Elizabeth inquired, looking at him over her shoulder with a small smile. He realized he was walking a little too close to her than was considered proper, so he slowed his pace down considerably.

"Guilty as charged, I am afraid." He admitted, but all the while thinking how lovely her hair looked as the sunlight was reflected off of it. It was piled loosely on top of her head, and some locks had managed to escape, curling as they reached towards the ground. He could see the red and yellow hues that were only visible when the sun landed on each strand in a particular way. He started to imagine what it would feel like to take a lock between his fingers, and twist it in different directions so that the sun--

"Are you never going to tire of looking after me Mr. Darcy?" she asked, breaking him out of his thoughts. He refused to allow himself to blush, and he lengthen his stride so that he was strolling besides her now. No need to be encumbered by the various distractions the posterior part of her body had to offer.

"What ever do you mean Miss. Bennett?" he inquired, looking strait ahead. This was getting extremely out of hand and he feared that he would do something rash that one or both of them would regret. He knew that he should keep a proper distance from her, let her recover and allow her to return home, never to see her again, but he couldn't do it. When he wasn't with her, he was thinking longingly of being by her side. When he was with her, he thought longingly of a future between the two of them they could never have.

"I am perfectly well now Mr. Darcy, as all have observed. Although my alleged recovery is to extend another week, there is no need for you to keep such a close eye on me."

Darcy nearly laughed out loud. He bit back a smile, not really sure what was so humorous about the situation. Did she honestly believe that this was about her recovery? From what he had gathered, she still remembered his proposal and all the feelings he admitted having for her. Feelings such as those do not simply disappear in an instant. Surely she realized this was so much more that careful surveillance.

Words he wished he could say always came to mind in nearly every instant they were alone, but she always somehow evaded them. Very cleverly too. It was as if she knew it was coming, and was warding it off. The thought saddened him. They carried on with idle conversation, Darcy succumbing to his momentary feelings of failure.

'Cause I'm reaching for you
but my arms aren't long enough
and I'm running to you
if I could go a little faster

Another such incident was actually quite embarrassing. Richard had caught him admiring Lizzy in such an inappropriate way that Darcy could not help but being appalled at himself. It was not how he had been brought up, to be so blatant and crude about his affection towards a woman. Luckily Elizabeth did not notice and continued on with her pleasant conversation with Georgiana. The two were becoming fast friends.

Richard stood behind the women in question with a huge smile and eyes crinkled in laughter. Darcy glared at him but knew that were the situation reversed, he would probably take humor in the situation as well.

Elizabeth had looked up from her needle work, catching Mr. Darcy's expression. "Whatever is the matter Mr. Darcy?" she inquired, and Georgiana looked up as well, looking between her brother's disgruntled expression, and her cousins amused one. She smiled.

"Mr. Darcy is just extremely annoyed." Richard supplied, and Darcy shot him a warning glance. "An extremely pleasant activity was just taken from him."

In a mixture of feelings not entirely explainable, Darcy stood up rather quickly, shooting yet another glare towards his cousin, then looked around the room in confusion. He realized that his behavior was odd, but the only person who seemed to think so was Elizabeth. She looked up at him with concern, and he thought ironically for a moment that she might have to start looking after him. It didn't sound all too bad, and it shouldn't be too hard to fake a cold….

What was he thinking?

Mr. Darcy excused him self hurriedly, striding out of the room and down the stairs. He didn't stop until he exited the back door into the gardens that had just started to be touched by the moonlight. There was still evidence of the sun on the horizon, but it was no longer in sight. Night was fast approaching, and Darcy feared hew as going insane. What would he do if he could not win her over?

and I'm crying to you
but I can't hear my own voice
and I am waiting for you
and trying not to fall asleep now

"William?" a familiar voice called through the hallways. Georgiana exited the house to see her brother clenching the edge of a stone railing, overlooking the beautiful gardens she had spend so much time in as a young girl. "William, are you feeling quite alright?" she asked, reaching out to place a consoling hand on her brother's shoulder. He did not shun it, but showed no indication that he had felt it either.

It had been many moments before he asked her question. His voice was had evident traces of pain. He had pondered on his words for too long, the question that had haunted him for weeks. What if he couldn't win her over?

"I'm trying Georgie." He said quietly, finally looking over at his sister whose blonde hair looked eerie in the moonlight. "I'm trying so hard." He whispered, looking up at the near full moon.

"I know." Georgiana said quietly, leaning onto his shoulder. For years he had been the one there to comfort her. She greatly took up the opportunity to return the favor. "Just give her time."

"I don't have time," he said, a little more hostile than he had intended. He tried to give her a small smile when she flinched at his words, but it was no use. She saw right through him. "She's gone in a week. A week, Georgiana. That's hardly enough time. And we still have not found whoever is responsible for her accident in the first place."

Georgiana stepped forward and whispered quietly into his ear, "Maybe you should use that as a reason for her to stay."

The suggestion was one that sparked interest in Darcy, but he was still too morose to act on it now, or think about it too much. He wanted to be alone with his thoughts for a while, and his sister seemed to realize this. She kissed him on the cheek gently and bid goodnight to her brother.

How far was he willing to go?

cause I'm clumsily dancing away this fear
I'm stumbling closer to you and I am
tumbling over my pride
I will be a fool for you

Elizabeth had not meant to. Once the Darcy's had left her alone with Richard, she found no more interest in being downstairs and bid goodnight to Richard. He smiled at her in a way that made her curious, and while she made her way out of the parlor, her ponderings were interrupted by a sudden frustrated outburst coming from somewhere outside. She was obviously not supposed to hear such a private conversation between two confidents, but the words were hard to ignore, and she had no choice but to continue in her direction, otherwise be forced back into the parlor.

"I don't have time." His familiar voice said in a tone that made her sad. It sounded heartbroken. She tried to walk faster, having the feeling that she didn't want to hear what came next. "She's gone in a week. A week, Georgiana. That's hardly enough time." Elizabeth started to run. She knew what was the cause of the heartbreak in Darcy's voice, and she felt terrible that she was the root of it.

A person cannot control their feelings towards another person when the feelings are so strong. Never had she even dreamed that Darcy's emotions towards her had been like this. The proposal that felt so long ago had made it seem he had not been completely serious with her due to the way he had acted then. But she had acted so harshly towards him as well, and hadn't her opinion of him grown into admiration of late?

Elizabeth reached her door with a sudden realization. She turned around to find the large window at the top of the grand staircase that overlooked the gardens of Pemberley. She looked down and saw him still standing there, in a posture that was one he took on outside of his own home, of his comfort zone.

Why did she have to choose that moment to walk by? Why were her emotions and every sensible thought turning against her and all she had believed to be true of people and, more specifically, the higher class. She watched him for longer than she would have believed, and he finally turned once more to enter into the house. Her eyes moved to the moon, too shocked at herself to move an inch. Too late she realized that Darcy would be headed up those very stairs she was standing in front of to reach his own bed chambers.

what are you thinking as you look down on me are you
frustrated with my inconsistency
or intrigued that I can find the will to get back up or
maybe all of this is simply amusing

Darcy really doubted this is what he needed at the moment, but there she was with her back turned to him, gazing out into the night. He stopped halfway up the stairs, unsure if he should continue on, bid her goodnight like a gentleman and continue to his rooms, or if he should turn around and run for his life. The coward in him wanted to choose the latter.

Too late, however, for she had turned and saw him there.

Moments extended into eons as they merely stood there; she with an expression of shock and guilt and he with his foot still on the next step in preparation to continue his ascension. The ridiculousness of this situation was lost on both of them. He took in the red around her eyes, like she had been crying or was trying not to. He wanted to know what was wrong, to comfort her. But methods of comfort could only go so far in propriety, and he knew from experience that they did little to help.

The guilt in her eyes only confused him, but he had time in his calculating thoughts to note how devastatingly beautiful she looked. He always seemed to have time to do so. But he was unable to tolerate the silence much longer, so he took the next step up the stairs. "Miss. Elizabeth," he bowed slowly, never breaking eye contact with her.

cause I'm reaching for you
but my arms aren't long enough
and I'm running to you
if I could go a little faster

His words broke her out of her thoughts, and she looked away from his eyes, looking for anything else to capture her interest. However the candlelight offered minimal visibility in the dark hall, so she had no choice but to look at him. "Mr. Darcy," her words came out quietly.

He had nothing to say to her, or rather, he knew not what to say to her. Surely he should just bid her goodnight and be on his way, but something kept him rooted to the spot. After a couple seconds reflection, he realized it was hope. Something in her sudden change had given him reason to hope, although he could not pinpoint exactly what it was. He took another step up the stairs. She did not move.

"I was just admiring the garden at night." She said suddenly, and her words came out so fast, he imagined them tumbling over each other in their haste. He smiled slightly, and she seemed to realize that just two nights ago they had walked among the gardens at night, so it was not a new sight to her eyes, nor was it a new sentiment.

Darcy nodded in agreement, taking another step. "Yes, they are very beautiful," not even sparing a glance towards the window, but thinking more along the lines of her big brown eyes. She took a small step back towards the windows, then seemed to decide that she wanted to look at the gardens some more. She turned her back to him and looked out the window.

and I'm crying to you
but I can't hear my own voice
I am waiting for you
and trying not to fall asleep now

Silently he closed the distance between them once more and took his place beside her at the window. Both of them were reflected in it, and after a few minutes, he diverted his eyes to look at her reflection, only to find her reflection to be staring at him.

Somehow the fact that neither was facing each other made them braver, and he offered her reflection a smile, one that she couldn't help but return.

The moment was so beautiful; something of an understanding seemed to flow between them in that moment and he would not have traded it for anything. They stood there, smiling at each others reflections, only to have that moment shattered by the light sound of women's slippers on the stairs.

"Good night Elizabeth," Georgiana said as she came to the top of the stairs and the two had turned to greet her. Elizabeth returned the wish, and Georgiana turned so that only her brother could see her face. "Sleep well brother." She said, giving him a big smile in encouragement. Darcy smiled back and watched her make her way towards her room. Then he turned to face Elizabeth once more.

cause I'm clumsily dancing away this fear
I'm stumbling closer to you and I'm
tumbling over my pride
I will be a fool for you

"I should retire to my chambers as well." Elizabeth said suddenly, "Good night Mr. Darcy." She added with a curtsey, and did not stay long enough to witness his stunned expression and force of habit bow. He turned and watched the trails of her skirt disappear around the corner.

A sudden thought occurred to him. If he did not act on moments such as the one they had just experienced, he did not stand a chance. Something in her expression and actions that night had given him hope, and he trusted his instincts enough.

He followed her with the intent of re-confessing all his feelings with hopefully a better result than the last time. This plan, however, was not quite what had happened.

He rounded the corner, and just as she had reached her door, he cried out her name. "Lizzy!"

She turned to face him, startled at the abruptness and form of address he had used. She did not seem angry about it though, as she had not the couple other times he had addressed her so informally.

He crossed the small gap between them in only a few steps, and stopped to look at her, trying to find the words. It was when she looked up at him that he completely forgot all about… everything. Propriety, the fact that Richard and Georgiana could appear at any second, as well as the staff. He could only seem to comprehend the woman in front of him, who had rejected him once, and had managed to come back into his life, despite the terrible circumstances. He forgot that there could be consequences for his actions, many of which could cause more emotional pain then he cared to think about. But at the moment he did not care, and he reached a hand up to cup the side of her face.

"Lizzy," he whispered, and the words came out almost pleadingly. Then he bent down, closing the near foot long gap between them, and brushed his lips with hers oh so gently.

At first she didn't move, obviously in shock over his actions. Then she slowly started to respond. The feeling Darcy received was none he had ever experienced before. Never in his nine and twenty years had he been kissed by a woman so intimately, and it was, he decided, the best feeling in the world.

He was unsure how long they stood in that dark hallway, encouraged by the silence that was only interrupted by their breathing and pounding hearts. But when she finally broke away from him, just before the kiss would become far more than inappropriate, she bit down on her lip and looked him in the eyes.

"Lizzy," he breathed once more, returning her gaze with all the emotion he had been struggling to fight back for days.

"That was wrong Mr. Darcy," she said, trying to sound reprimanding but it was in vain. She was too flushed, and there was too much light in her eyes to give off any inkling of seriousness.

Darcy's forehead was touching hers, and he shook his head slowly. "I think that was the most right thing I have ever had the extreme pleasure to do in my entire life." He told her with a smile. They both know that in the opinion of society it was wrong, but neither could deny the truthfulness of what he had said.

"Mr. Darcy-" she began slowly, but he interrupted her.

"Call me William," he said quietly, suddenly hating the forced formality between them.

She pretended she did not hear his interruption, however. "You do realize the consequences of your actions?" she asked him, looking at him in curiosity.

He knew what she was referring to. Now that they had engaged in such a scandalous activity, he was expected to take up the obligation of asking her hand in marriage. He smiled at her in obvious joy. How could she think that was a consequence, as though he were being punished?

"I would gladly make you my wife Elizabeth. You know this already."

She seemed to be struggling with herself, and he wondered if she could honestly deny anything now that the proof of all he had been fighting for had been explained in that one kiss.

"I--I need some time to think. Excuse me Mr. Darcy." She said, and opened her door. Just as she disappeared, Darcy thought bitterly how foolish he had been.

and I'm clumsily dancing away this fear
I'm stumbling closer to you and I'm
tumbling over my pride
I will be a fool for you

Song: Fool by Lifehouse

Chapter 10: Sophie

Three days previously

Sophie was out in Matlock, making purchases her master had told her to make. 'Anything necessary for Miss. Bennett's comfort' he had told her. Well she wasn't sure what that had meant, and she was uncomfortable with the amount of money Mr. Darcy had entrusted in her. Just knowing she had that much money made her want the beautiful dresses out of her reach even more.

She was purchasing an elegant hair brush made of cherry wood when she approached by a man she had never seen before. She supposed that once upon a time he had been attractive, but old age and most likely stress had caught up with him, and he looked older than she guessed he was.

"Miss Sophie, isn't it?" he asked quietly as she was walking out of the shop with the purchase for her temporary mistress. She stopped dead and looked at him questioningly.

"How did you know that?" she inquired, trying to sound brave but inside she was panicking. The man before her made her feel uneasy, and having grown up in a constant state of near poverty, she trusted her instincts were developed well enough to be able to trust them.

The man shook his head as if to say 'Such things are not important.' "Let me introduce myself. My name is Mr. Bernard, and I will advise you to pay very close attention to me. The lives of your siblings depend on it."

Sophie looked up at him, feeling her stomach drop. Her siblings were her life. Since her mother had died of influenza, she had taken up the obligation of rasing the children while her father was away on business since she was the oldest. Working for Mr. Darcy had been just the kind of job she had needed to help her father with the task of providing for five children. Now somehow this man knew about them, and he was threating them.

Sophie swallowed uncomfortably. Her throat had suddenly gone dry, and her tongue seemed to be ten times heavier. "I'm listening sir."

"You are currently in employment for the infamous Mr. Darcy, are you not?"