Posted on 2013-02-17

Lady Catherine deBourgh had never been to Bath, but her dearest friend, Lady Dalrymple, wrote to advise it was quite the thing for Anne's health, and while Lady Catherine mostly listened to her own advice, she could not discount her friend's suggestion. One order to her servants, however, set the entire plan in motion.

The waters turned out to be vile, but Lady Catherine had to admit that the society was sufficient for her own consequence, and the Pump Room was an excellent place to see and be seen, and perhaps she might even find a suitable suitor for Anne. Even if Anne had previously shown no interest in young men, and Darcy was currently unavailable (he was married and had two children, but that did not dash his aunt's hopes), perhaps she would meet a gentleman who would live up to her standards. Lady Catherine's standards.

Lady Catherine was just been in Bath long enough to begin to become offended by Lady Dalrymple's neglect when she received an invitation to dine at Laura Place the next evening. Lady Catherine was too pleased with the offer to notice that it implied she had no prior engagement. She accepted at once. Anne was disinclined to go so Lady Catherine had to remind her of Lady Dalrymple's rank by exclaiming, "She is a viscountess!"

When they arrived, there was a large party assembled for dinner. Lady Catherine was received with all the respect due to her rank, and she was promptly introduced to Sir Walter Elliott, Lady Dalrymple's cousin. She was gratified by the excessive depth of his bow.

"Your reputation precedes you, my lady," he said.

"Oh, I've never heard of you, sir," she replied with affected indifference.

"Do you not read the Baronetcy?" he queried. "It is one of my favorite books."

"Indeed. I used it as a doorstop to the library. So heavy, it works wonders in keep the door ajar."

Somewhere across the room, Miss Anne de Bourgh was being introduced to Miss Carteret, Lady Dalrymple's daughter.
"Your reputation precedes you," Miss Carteret noted.

Anne coughed. Miss Carteret leaned in and gently pulled the young lady's shawl tighter. Miss Elizabeth Elliott noticed the exchange. Walking by Miss Carteret, she began to cough. Her cousin ignored her. Miss Elliott did not like to be ignored.

The three young ladies were then distracted by a loud giggle, coming from Lady Catherine from across the room. Anne stared in wide-eyed amazement as she watched her usually composed mother simper and smirk.

"Oh, Sir Walter! You are so droll!"

At that point, dinner was announced. Sir Walter offered his arm to Lady Catherine and she was pleased to note that they were seated together. Anne and Miss Carteret were across the table from each other. To her surprise, Anne had barely been seated when she felt an unslippered foot caress hers under the table. A small foot, unlikely to belong to a man. She looked up to see Miss Carteret give her a slight smile. Anne suddenly felt a fluttering in her breast, one that had never been inspired by a gentleman, including that paragon of masculinity that was her cousin, Mr. Darcy.

Miss Carteret, unfortunately, was not one to trim her toenails on a regular basis, and one nail bit into Anne's tender foot. At the same moment, Sir Walter noticed that Lady Catherine had left her fish half eaten on her plate, and he made a grab for it with his fork.

"You pierced my sole!" both mother and daughter exclaimed simultaneously.

Anne jerked her foot out of the way, and Lady Catherine lunged out of her chair to inspect the damage. Miss Carteret was instantly at their side, insisting on tending to Miss de Bourgh's injured appendage herself saying, "The fault is mine, so must the remedy be."

Lady Catherine left Miss Carteret massaging Anne's foot while she fished about for some Olympian Dew.

"My dear lady," Sir Walter immediately intervened. "I must insist you use Gowland's instead."

"But I have some Olympian Dew right here!" Lady Catherine raised her reticule.

"But I have gallons of Gowland's at home. I can send for some in a moment!"

Miss Carteret had moved her hand up to rub Anne's calf.

"Gowland's shall never do, like Olympian Dew. We loathe Gowland's. It gives us a most unpleasant burning sensation." Several of the other diners stopped eating to stare at her.

"Nonsense! The only reason I spoke to you was because I was so sure you regularly use Gowland's."

Miss Carteret, ignored by her elders, inched her hand up to Anne's knee. Anne had never felt anything like that before, but she knew she wanted more. She felt an urge to reciprocate, and put a hand on Miss Carteret's shoulder.

Miss Elliott, watching the entire proceedings, rolled her eyes and mumbled under her breath, "Get a room."

"An excellent idea!" Miss Carteret exclaimed, getting to her feet and picking Anne up into her arms. "I shall take Anne to a guest room," she said hurriedly in the general direction of her mother. She carried Anne up the stairs as Elizabeth Elliott looked longingly after them.

Sir Walter and Lady Catherine were too occupied with shouting at each other to notice.

"Gowlands!" Sir Walter bellowed into her face.

"Olympian Dew!" Lady Catherine jutted her chin in his direction.

"Gowlands! I have it by the gallons!"

"Olympian Dew! It has done wonders for Miss Pope! Ever since she has started using it, she has been a treasure to Lady Metcalf."

"Miss Pope! Miss Pope! Who the deuce is Miss Pope! I suppose she is not the only young woman in Kent with bad skin and no surname of dignity!"

Lady Dalrymple tried to part them, exclaiming "I must have my share in the conversation!" as they were making a remarkable scene at her dinner table, but there was no room between the combatants. And in another moment there was no longer any conversation to have a share in, as Lady Catherine had grabbed Sir Walter and pressed her mouth to his. The belligerent baronet did not protest, just kept his lips locked with the lady.

Lady Dalrymple looked to her other guests and motioned them out of the room. "Are the shades of Laura Place to be thus polluted?" she wondered of no one in particular.

Elizabeth Elliott, released from the table, made her way upstairs and peered into a room. She let out a gasp and rushed down, hyperventilating on the bottom step.

In the dining room, Sir Walter and Lady Catherine finally released each other.

"I believe I have been compromised," said Sir Walter.

"Indeed!" retorted Lady Catherine, as she turned on her heel in her usual regal manner and exited the room. She came upon Miss Elliott in a state of nervous palpitations at the bottom of the stairs.

Sir Walter, who had come out behind Lady Catherine, was concerned for his daughter.

"What is the matter, my dear?" He reached for his pocket hartshorn.

Elizabeth, ignoring her father, looked right at Lady Catherine and said, "I believe I found something at which your daughter Anne is a great proficient."

In due course, Sir Walter and Lady Catherine wed, and he and Elizabeth removed to Kent, where Miss Carteret was a frequent visitor and where Miss Elliott was introduced to Miss Pope, who was, indeed, a treasure and made Miss Elliott forget all about her former friend, Mrs. Clay. The four young ladies became fast friends.

"This is my idea of retrenching," Elizabeth noted as she enjoyed all the comforts afforded by Rosings Park.