Posted on Saturday, 10 March 2001

"Oh dear me, the Bennets," said Mrs. Collins, rushing into the drawing room with a letter in her hands. "Dear heavens! What fortunate creatures they are." She sat down on the couch in a flutter of spirits.

"What is it, what is it?" demanded Mr. Collins. Since the Lydia Bennet escapade and the indifferent receival of him by his fair cousins at Longbourn, he had learned to fear the worst. He wiped his brow with a grubby handkerchief in an attempt to calm himself. Had the Bennets suddenly contrived a male heir? Was his fortune and Longbourn at last to be taken from him?

"Oh, do be serious," said Mrs. Collins at hearing her husband's frantic notions. Charlotte Collins had a beautiful smile on her face as she waved the paper in her hands around. "Mr. Collins," she said, "Jane Bennet is to marry Mr. Bingley after all. This is a letter from Maman's own hand. It just arrived this morning. She writes that she received the information from Mrs. Bennet herself."

Mr. Collins sighed a breath of relief. Longbourn was still theirs.

"Mother writes here that they are to be married around Christmas time," continued Mrs. Collins. "'Miss Bennet is assuredly happy of her disposition. No less can be said on Mrs. Bennet's part. She is thoroughly delighted in the prospect of a wealthy son-in-law. She never ceases to say-Oh my dear Jane, I knew she could not be so beautiful for nothing-and it does bore me to death over it.' " Mrs. Collins folded up the letter and placed it in her apron pocket.

"Lady Lucas sounds disquieted over the matter," said Mr. Collins.

"Oh, you must know Maman and Mrs. Bennet have known each other too long. But never mind that, for I am very satisfied for Jane. I always felt that she was too modest and good to be overlooked by a man such as Mr. Bingley."

Mr. Collins frowned a little as he saw his wife smile to herself. "And why should you be so pleased?" asked Mr. Collins. "My fair cousin Jane is no doubt very fortunate, but does that merit the felicity on you part?"

"Are they not after all our cousins as well as our friends?" inquired Mrs. Collins.

"Certainly," answered her husband with another frown. He still rather prided himself on his amazing escape from the Bennets, and further affliction upon their family would have suited his snubbed, secular side, but as a clergyman, he felt that he had to wish the best for them. Furthermore, as he was the heir to Longbourn, he would infinitely prefer to have as little number of cousins as possible to support.

Whilst in this deep meditation, Mr. Collins strolled over to the window. Suddenly, he let out a wild yipe. Wiping the perspiration from his upper lip, he sped to the door. His wife looked at him, struck with curiousity and amusement.

"Hurry dearest," he said frantically. "Lady Catherine de Bourgh's carriage is about to turn into the drive." And indeed, they heard the sound of horse hoofs and wheels trotting and pressing down the gravel drive.

The Collins were soon standing outside Hunsford to greet her ladyship.

The long, aquiline hose of Lady Catherine was the first thing to be seen poking out of the carriage window, and soon, her finely feathered hat also teethered out. Mr. Collins scrambled madly to the carriage to help her out. He saw that her ladyship had left her sickly daughter at home.

"I see your hedges are doing very well," said Lady Catherine climbing out. "I suppose you have taken my advice and sought for Mr. Johnson, my gardener."

Her ladyship scrutinized the little flowers budding. "The flora is a rather dismal thing though. I shall have to ask Mr. Johnson to help you manage them properly. It will not do to have them sprouting in this vulgar way."

"Thank you, your ladyship," said Mrs. Collins politely.

Lady Catherine continued to look about. "I would say that overall, there has been a great improvement to Hunsford since your arrival, Mrs. Collins. Let me compliment you on that note."

Mrs. Collins thanked her again.

"Your ladyship," said Mr. Collins, lowering himself to a bow, "have been most kind and commendable in your support and guidance. Your advice has always been most duly taken, and as a result, Hunsford has immensely improved. Most humbly must I-"

Lady Catherine waved her hand impatiently. "Yes-now, as I am going into town, is there anything that needs to be begot? If it be along the way, I shall be more than happy to pick it up for you."

"Oh, your ladyship is much too considerate-"

"If there is nothing, then I may decide to call on your family on my way back," said Lady Catherine to Mrs. Collins. "You must write to them that they shall expect me on my return from town."

Mr. Collins chimed in. "Perhaps, your ladyship, if it be not too humble, one may also pay the Bennets a warm visit, to congratulate-"

"So, is the eldest to be married?" asked Lady Catherine. "After the infamous affair of the youngest, I hope that the eldest has chosen wisely. If the connection be not too poorly, I shall do so. I quite approved of Miss Elizabeth Bennet's company when she was here last."

"Ah, the eldest Miss Bennet is to marry Mr. Bingley, of Netherfield," said Mr. Collins.

"Charles Bingley? He is a friend of my nephew Mr. Darcy." Lady Catherine nodded to herself. "An equal match. Mr. Bingley's father himself was a tradesman, so the connection would not be too dispairing. I would have commended such a match for Miss Elizabeth Bennet."

An idea suddenly struck Mr. Collins, who, eager to please her ladyship, immediately spoke on that note. "Oh, I am most certain, your ladyship, that with the marriage of Miss Bennet, Miss Elizabeth Bennet will also relinquish the family name."

"Why?" demanded Lady Catherine. "Certainly not to an officer?"

"Surely not," said Mr. Collins proudly. "With Miss Elizabeth assuredly thrown more and more into the company of the Bingleys, and their friends...The estimable Mr. Darcy, I am certain-"

As soon as the words fell from his mouth, he realized that he had made a dreadful mistake. Lady Catherine let out a terrifying roar. "That shall never be!" she declared. "The alliance shall never take place. My nephew will not be drawn into any such matches. He is engaged to my daughter." Her face turned very white with fury and the look in her eyes was menacing and horrible. Aggressively, she climbed into her carriage, shaking loose Mr. Collins' assistance.

"I now see what must be done," she said gruffly. Glaring at Mr. Collins, she said, "I do not take leave of you and I do not wish you goodwill. You do not deserve any more than you have." She hollered at the coachman to start, and soon, all that was left behind was a trail of dust.

Mr. Collins shook his head. "What could I have possibly said wrong?" he lamented.

"You should never have mentioned Lizzy and Mr. Darcy," said Mrs. Collins. "You have heard yourself that Lady Catherine had designs upon a match between Miss de Bourgh and Mr. Darcy. You had no right to mention it aloud to her. I imagine she must blame you for ever inviting Lizzy here." Even though she herself had often wished for the match between Lizzy and Mr. Darcy, she had never once spoken of it, save for the odd hint of two towards her friend.

"God!" muttered Mr. Collins under his breath. "If I were not the clergyman of Rosings Park, I would dare to swear now."

Mrs. Collins buried a smile behind her handkerchief. "I'm sure that if you did, Lady Catherine would never know."

The End