Posted on Wednesday, 10 May 2000

Author's Note: Serious disclaimer to silly story: this story is a summary of books, quotations and films that I have read or heard or seen lately. Every similarity to stories from DWG is coincidental, but well, it so hard to find a new idea. Anyway, I hope you like it.

It was a beautiful late summer morning and the heat gradually began to increase. He could feel the heat through his armour and the compassion for fried eggs slowly crept through his mind. 'This is not a good start' he said to himself. But little did he know that his misfortunes were about to increase.

The road he was walking along took a bend behind a bush in front of him. And from behind this bush walked out a lady. Both stopped, mouths open, eyes wide. They stood still for a few seconds, until one of them regained speech:

'Agggggghhhhhhhh, MR BEEEEEEENNNNNNEEEEEET, HEEEEEEEEELLLLLP!' with this she fainted before Arthur could even move. 'The noise must have been similar to Hannibal's elephant army attacking the Romans', he thought, still shocked. 'Stop, wait a moment, elephants?!?, Hannibal??!, where did THAT idea come from??' But before he could come to a logical answer, another figure appeared, running towards the place where he was standing.

'Mamma, mamma, oh what wonderful news, wait till you can hear it. There's going to a ball soon, oh dancing, oh jolly! Mamma, where are... ARRGGGH?! and dropped to the ground.

'Now what! Great, lovely! Is every lady in the country going to faint at the sight of me? And why are they wearing night-gowns?' How could he, a man, understand the complicated, complex and subtle twists in the history of fashion? Arthur realised his bad situation: a man guilty of two faintings. He couldn't leave them there. After all, he was a knight, and knights do not leave (fainted) ladies alone. So he decided to sit and wait. Somebody should come, sooner or later. He tried to focus on Merlin's last words.

'Remember, my boy, this is a very dangerous mission. Many a harm can be done to you. Not only to the body, but the mind as well. And you see, the problem is the mind never heals completely.'

'May I help you, sir?' Somebody interrupted his thoughts. He looked up. 'Oh no, not another lady, please! And in a night-gown!' The lady however showed no inclinations towards fainting. Arthur tried to give an explanation, but no audible noises left his mouth. She looked at him expectantly for a few seconds. Then she saw the two feminine figures on the ground and seemed to understand a bit. Taking a full look at Arthur's armour and his battle-like attitude comprehended even more. Not being sure he understood her she said 'You wait here, while I call for help.' She arrived twenty minutes afterwards with the whole Longbourn household in tow, from Mr. Bennet to the young milkmaid.

Imagine Mr. Bennet's amusement on perceiving his wife and his silliest daughter lying silently on the ground. Not that he was a cruel husband or father. What amused him was the fact that apparently something else then a rich suitor or an equally rich officer has knocked them both off their senses. He took a closer look at the cause of all the trouble. He saw a shining armour and a rather uncertain young man.

'If he has this effect on some of my ladies, he certainly is worth an invitation and a bit of my brandy.'

'Papa, we should bring them home.'

'Yes, Lizzy, you are right.'

'What shall we do with him?' she said gesturing towards Arthur.

'Why, invite him, of course'

'But he cannot speak. I don't know if he understands us. And he certainly is strangely dressed. All in medieval armour.'

'Probably that's why they got so frightened. For the first time in their lives they saw a real warrior, not like the empty-headed, good for nothing officers of nowadays. I wonder though, where did he get the armour from? And how would I look in it? Anyway, let us go home now.'

He ordered the servants to take his wife and daughter, then showed Arthur by signs that he should follow them. The strange procession proceeded towards Longbourn without being seen by Lady Lucas, the second-best daily courier, after Mrs. Bennet, of course.

In the house the ladies were disposed of on the sofas and everybody waited. Arthur sat down in the corner of the room wondering why he couldn't speak. During times when he was not wondering about everything else, that is. Then he remembered.

'My boy, you will probably not speak for the first few hours or so. This is a certain side effect of my potion. But besides this and the mushroom-sushi flavour I know of no other. But then you will be able to speak in their language so that they can understand you. You will hear and understand them from the very beginning. Very strange. I cannot explain this. Perhaps if I add more lizards' hair and bat's horns..'

Once again a voice interrupted his thoughts, or should one say, sounds:

'uhhh, ouch, moan, groan' Lydia woke first. 'Ouch, stouch, ohhh', she sat up.

'Lydia, my dear, my sister, my daughter, how do you feel? What happened?'

'I don't know! I was looking for mamma to tell her the good news and then I saw a strange thing and fainted. But wait till you hear the good news!' She got up eagerly 'oh goddie, there's going to be a dancing evening. Argh, what is HE doing here?'

'You mean the gentleman in shining armour?' asked her father. 'As you can see, he is sitting.'

Indeed, Arthur had completely forgotten about his appearance. He had his casual armour on, and while it was not his business suit of armour with his crest and coat of arms, it was still shiny and as attractive as a red coat.

'Ohhh' sighed Lydia 'are you a real knight? Is this a real cuirass? (Note: Mr. B was astonished at the variety of Lydia's vocabulary. Even I had to look it up in a dictionary. Front part of shirt, out of metal.)

Arthur was also a bit astonished and without knowing he stood up. In her eagerness to be acquainted with an apparently TRUE knight, she run towards him like a little child who saw a big candy and knocked on his chest.

'It really is metal! Then you truly must be a knight.' In her agitation she tripped over her skirt and staggered towards Arthur. He caught her which basically meant that gravity had invited both to the floor.

The noise was ?? The sound of metal in contact with floor at high velocity added to Lydia's screams when she became acquainted with the curves and edges of Arthur's armour.

All this happened so quickly that nobody in the room could act. The next thing they saw Arthur lying on the floor and Lydia lying on Arthur. Being aware of the indelicacy and impropriety of this positioning they helped Lydia remove herself from her post. Arthur was unconscious.

'Wonderful' groaned the master of the house 'is every living person in the radius of 3 miles going to faint today?'

'Mr. Bennet! How can you be so vexing when you know in what terrible state I am. My poor nerves. I feel like fainting.'

'Heaven forbid! Three is enough. Mrs. Bennet, before you do or say anything, let me tell you something. Now listen carefully, because I shall not repeat. The young man you saw today was real. More, he is in this house, but unconscious.'

'What? You cannot do this to my poor nerves! Have him thrown out at once.'

'We cannot do this, mamma' Lizzy interrupted.

'Yes, indeed, this would be exceedingly rude' added Jane.

'Yes, my dear Madam. He is unconscious and shall remain in this house until he is well and then we will see.' Then he added thoughtfully 'though it will be hard to find out more about him when he doesn't say a thing. I wonder who could he be.'

'He looks like a ... king in training' said Mary uncertainly.