Beginning, Next Section
Authors Note: I "borrowed" this idea from Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding.Dedication: To my mum, who is quite similar to Anne's.
Part 1
New Year's Resolutions.
I Will Not...
Sit around Rosings.
Stare into nothingness.
Sit around Rosings, staring into nothingness.
Cough so much.
Sneeze so much.
Wear the following colours: Brown, Beige, Tan, Light Gray, Medium Gray, Dark Gray, Greenish-Gray, Brownish Gray, Black, Brownish-Black, Blackish-Brown, Grayish-Brownish-Blackish-Green.
Waste money on lip rouge and face powder as is pointless since have no suitors.
Get annoyed with: Mother, Mrs. Jenkinson, Mr. Collins, Lady Metcalfe, or Miss Pope.
Have fantasies about the following whisking me away to Gretna Green: Devilishly handsome Pirates, Highwaymen, Blackguards, Naval Officers, and rakish landed gentlemen.
Read novels.
Obsess about one Fitzwilliam Darcy as pathetic to have fond admiration for ones own cousin.
Sulk about having no suitors, no personality, or no life.
I Will...
Drink less tea, since caffeine agitates the senses (so mother tells me, and everyone else).
Gain Weight.
Improve colour with Gowland's Lotion.
Give to deserving young women in village all items of clothing in the following colours: Brown, Beige, Tan, Light Gray, Medium Gray, Dark Gray, Greenish-Gray, Brownish Gray, Black, Brownish-Black, Blackish-Brown, Grayish-Brownish-Blackish-Green.
Improve disposition and become bright, confidant, assertive and sparkling (well, will try).
Make an effort to talk to people.
Be less sickly.
Form friendships with other females (other than Mrs. Jenkinson).
Take a tour of the park at least twice a week on foot without phaeton, ponies, or Mrs. Jenkinson.
Learn to play pianoforte (when health allows).
Learn to sing (same as above).
Learn to draw (same as above).
Learn to dance (same as above).
Learn to sew (same as above).
Read more (other than novels).
Be more accomplished in the manner of ladies of my cousin Fitzwilliam Darcy's acquaintance.
January - An Exceedingly Trying Start
January 1
86 lbs. (but Mother and Mrs. Jenkinson said I was looking rather flushed and limited my diet to gruel and water. 5 cups of tea (secretly), 1 cup of special tea (yuck), coughed 6 times, sneezed once.
Food consumed today:
3 bowls of gruel
Noon. Rosings. Ugh. We have to invite Mr. Collins to tea today. Mother wants a closer view of the new Mrs. Collins. I will ride over and invite them. Mrs. Jenkinson will accompany me in my phaeton (I am not allowed to walk).
6 p.m. Rosings. Tea is over, Mr. Collins is gone (forever with any luck). Mrs. Collins is better then I expected. What she sees in Mr. Collins I will never understand. Mother made kindly inquiries into her life before coming to Kent.
"Do you have brothers and sisters Mrs. Collins?"
"Yes Lady Catherine."
"How many?"
"Two younger brothers and two younger sisters, your Ladyship."
"Are any of your younger sister's out."
"Yes, one Lady Catherine."
"And how long has she been out Mrs. Collins?"
"For two years Lady Catherine."
"What? Out for two years, before you where married. Then she must be almost as old as you. Pray what is your age?
"I am not yet..."
"She is seven and twenty your Ladyship and I am quite fortunate to have found such an agreeable creature for my wife. I would not have had the opportunity to marry if you had not kindly bestowed the gracious gift of a living upon myself, which allowed me the chance to find such a pleasing young woman, almost as glorious as yourself. You have been..."
"Yes, Yes! And what kind of carriage does your father keep Mrs. Collins."
"He has a..."
"And what size of estate does your father have?"
"I believe it is..."
"Does your eldest brother inherit?"
"Yes he..."
This sort of thing went on for quite a while and I grew weary and sneezed, which ended the interview (for which I believe Mrs. Collins was grateful) and they soon went away.
11 p.m. Rosings. I was coughing so Mrs. Jenkinson has just left me after administering a new blend of tea recommended by Lady Metcalfe (it tastes very foul).
January 3
85 lbs. (oh no!), 3 cups of the good tea (better), coughed 3 times, sneezed 4 times (v. bad).
8 p.m. Rosings. We have received a letter from my cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam today. He is stopping through overnight in a few days, on his way to Matlock. I wish he didn't come here, he is so trying. Why could he not stick to his regular schedule and visit during Easter? Thankfully it is only for one night. I will try to put up with him and his boring way of talking, his smug expressions, and that ghastly red uniform (the colour being so very bright, and hurting my eyes) - Why could he not have joined the navy? A blue coat is much more pleasing and soothing.
January 7
88 lbs. (better), 1 cup of good tea (better), 1 sip of bad tea, coughed 3 times, sneezed twice. (bad)
4 p.m. Rosings. Ugh! He has arrived, I hear Colonel Boringness downstairs. He talks so very loud that it gives me a headache. I must rouse myself and go down to greet him.
"Hello aunt, I hope you are well? I would not have troubled you otherwise, but father absolutely insisted I stop through on my way to Matlock and give him a personal report on your health. I will stay just the one night."
"Yes, Yes! This is all extremely vexing. I do not understand why you can not stay for a fortnight. And if you stay another month complete, it will be in my power to take you as far as Matlock in the Barouche Box. Are you traveling post? Where did you change horses?"
"I ..."
"Ah! Here is Anne, Fitzwilliam."
"Cousin Anne, you're looking, uh,...well."
"Thank you, cousin."
"What have you been up to Cousin Anne? No trouble I hope! I would be very distressed if I were to hear any alarming reports of you getting into mischief!"
He laughed loudly. Too loudly in my opinion. He always laughs at his own lame jokes. I answered him quietly. Maybe he'll take the hint and lower that voice of his.
"I think not cousin." (You think you're so funny).
"I hope there are no dashing young beaux about for me to fight off in defense of your honour?"
"No cousin." (You are so comical, you should perform in the town square).
"I'm glad to here it because I have not my best sword with me."
"Yes." (Is it me or do you just like the sound of your voice - go away, isn't there some war for you to fight somewhere).
Fortunately mother intervened.
"Come now nephew! Tea is getting cold!"
"Yes Aunt! Pray tell me you are not drinking tea again. Last Easter you said you were giving it up because it was unwholesome."
"Lady Metcalfe called on me and told me of this new blend that is very beneficial to ones health. Anne has been drinking it and I believe her health has improved somewhat."
"Cousin Anne, do allow me the privilege of escorting you into tea."
I thought I was free from further conversation.
"Yes."(Ugh, go away - my eyes, my eyes, stay away from me while you wear that red coat of yours).
"I am looking forward to trying this new tea of my aunts. I am always eager to follow her advice."
"Yes." (You have raised lying to an art-form. One taste of that disgusting tea will quiet you I hope).
"Your mother advised me on the need of exercise the last few times I was here. That is why I like to take long walks around the park."
"Yes." (Me thinks you are laying it on too thick. I know you only tour the park to be away from my mother).
"After tea, I believe I will have a quick walk around the park."
"Yes."(Shut up!)
He continued to talk throughout tea on nothing of importance. Mother advising him on several subjects, he pretending to agree, smiling that idiotic grin of his, nodding his head up and down. Oh why could he not be Darcy; so very handsome, so very quiet, so very dark, mysterious, and brooding; no blazing red uniform to disturb my mind. Oh, Darcy, take me away!
"Cousin Anne, are you unwell?"
"No." (Thank you very much for interrupting my daydream).
"You had a peculiar look on your face just now."
"Oh." (Do you ever tire of hearing yourself talk?)
"You looked strange Cousin Anne, almost like you were far away from here."
"Oh." (Just far away from you. And thinking of far away, when are you going for that walk of yours).
"I hope you are taking care Cousin Anne, you are not strong and, blah, blah, blah, blah,..."
I tuned him out. He kept going on and on about nothing, so I decided to be away from him by the only means that were in my power.
Ah-choo, cough, cough, cough, Ah-choo.
"Mother I feel unwell. I wish to lie down. Please excuse me cousin."
"Certainly Cousin Anne."
(Yes!)
Part 2
10 p.m. Rosings. After I rested, I composed myself enough to make my way into dinner. The dinner conversation was beastly. Cousin Fitzwilliam's excessive talking on little matters. Gruel. Mother's excessive suggestions on Cousin Fitzwilliam's little matters. Gruel. Mrs. Jenkinson ever-ready to pounce upon me, pressing me to eat more gruel. My thoughts soon were drifting away to more pleasant diversions....
...Pemberley in the springtime with Cousin Darcy. Birds chirping, breezes rustling the trees, my dear one coming to me after a swim. When I am mistress of Pemberley, I will banish gruel from the menu forever. We will have picnics by the lake everyday. My dearest Darcy will favour me with a reading or two from Byron in that soft, engaging voice of his:
'I am wounded by thy love,
and have loved but to scorch myself.
Thy has consumed me! Ah, Maid!
Thou hast struck me to the heart.'
...I will lie upon the cool grass with my hair wildly fanning around my face, as my beloved one gently intertwines daisies throughout the untamed locks of my mane. He then will lean down to grace my quivering lips with a light, velvety kiss that sends shivers down my spine. Then, softly caressing my burning cheeks with eager hands, awakening the fever in...
"Cousin Anne, are you unwell?"
(Ugggghhhhhh!)
"Anne dear, your cousin asked you a question?"
"Oh, I'm sorry cousin."
"I asked you if you were unwell. Are you unwell? You had that look again."
"No!" (No!, No!, No!, a thousand times NO!)
I hope they did not hear the edge in my voice.
"Anne, dear!"
"Miss Anne?"
They heard it.
"Anne dear, you are looking very feverish. Mrs. Jenkinson take Miss Anne to her rooms before she is overcome."
Mother then turns to my idiot cousin and says (like she hasn't told him a million times before):
"I am excessively attentive to the health of my dear Anne. She needs more rest than most. Her health has always been delicate. The Fitzwilliam women are not strong as you know, excepting me of course, I am exceptionally hardy."
I tuned mother out as I left the table and went back to my rooms with Mrs. Jenkinson hard upon my heels, her head full of the draughts she would administer. I sent down a note to mother saying I would sleep in, in the morning. Hopefully Colonel Crashing Bore will be gone. Forever with any luck!
January 8. 10 a.m. Rosings. I can not believe it! Colonel Good-for-nothing is still here! Mrs. Jenkinson came into my rooms with a note from my concerned cousin, inquiring, yet again into the nature of my health. This of course led to morning of note writing from which Mrs. Jenkinson or I will never recover.
Note 1.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
I hear you are not well enough to come down to see me off this morning my dear cousin. I hope that nothing I have done or said last evening has caused you any distress.Col. F.
Yes! You only ruined the best daydream I've ever had you simpleton. However, I could not write that. I penned a brief, civil, response:
Note 2.
From Cousin A. to Col. F.
Do not worry yourself on my account. I will be well shortly.Your's etc., Anne
Yes! I will be well, especially when you leave!
Note 3.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
Are you sure? Because I can stay another day until your health improves. I feel very un-gentleman-like, leaving you in your current state of fragile health.Col. F.
Note 4.
From Cousin A. to Col. F.
Please go with an easy conscience.Anne.
Please Go!
Note 5.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
Are you sure?Col. F.
Note 6.
From Cousin A. to Col. F.
Yes! Quite!Anne.
Note 7.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
But are you really sure?Col. F.
Note 8.
From Cousin A. to Col. F.
Yes! I'm really, really sure. Pleasant journey.Anne.
Note 9.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
Because I could easily stay for a few more days. If you like?Col. F.
Note 10.
From Cousin A. to Col. F.
Pleasant journey. Bon Voyage. Au Revoir. Arrivi Derci.Anne.
Note 11.
From Col. F. to Cousin A.
If you insist. Farewell.Col. F.
P.S. But I can easily stay.
Now that I have run poor Mrs. Jenkinson off of her feet, I had her write one last note on my behalf.
Note 12.
From Mrs. J to Col. F.
Miss Anne has returned to her bed.Mrs. Jenkinson
January 9. Rosings. Am too tired to write because of trials of previous day. Will write more when health allows.
January 28. Rosings.
82 lbs. (Col. F.'s fault) Coughed 10 times. (v. v. bad)
Food consumed: 1 bowl of gruel, 1 sip of bad tea.
12 noon. Feeling a little better. Will just take a turn in the shrubbery. Ah, a moments peace!
12:30. Back in bed after receiving letter from my cousin, Colonel "Tiresome" Fitzwilliam.
Dear Anne,I write from Matlock in hopes that this letter finds you well. I have so much to tell you of my travels, the books I have read, and the music I have heard. I can not wait to share it all with you when next we meet. See you in March!
Fondest Wishes, Your devoted cousin,
Colonel FitzwilliamP.S. You are well are you not?
Part 3
February - Valentinous Horriblous
February 2. Rosings. 8:00 a.m. Ugh. I have to go to church to hear one of Mr. Collins never-ending sermons on some subject he has no business sermonizing about. Hope it is not another on a woman's duty to her husband. Ughhh! I shudder at the thought; to think of Mrs. Collins subjecting herself to the constant.... Well, must not think of it since it is the Lords Day. Will try to concentrate on my need to better myself by helping others. From this day forward will not think ill of anyone. Will show interest in their concerns and give wise advice in manner of mother.
2:00 p.m. Sermon was on duties of husband to wife (even worst than I thought). I had to giggle though at the look upon Mrs. Collins face when he said:
"A husband should endeavor to spend as much time as possible with a wife; and no doubt she would be grateful for the kindness of a husband showing particular interest in her concerns, however humble."
I thought that exceedingly funny that, since his own marriage, he has been in my mothers presence even more than usual. I wonder what can account for it?
February 7. Rosings. 11:30 a.m. Will just pen a quick note to Cousin Georgiana in London, telling her I will be thinking of her during the upcoming Valentine's holiday and for her to extend my regards to her brother when next she writes him. Maybe if Cousin Darcy knows that I sent her one he will send me one.
February 13.
90 lbs. (v. good - pre-Valentine's Day happiness) 1 cup of tea (excellent) no coughing, no sneezing.
10 a.m. Rosings. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. This year I will not obsess if Cousin Darcy does not send me a Valentine greeting. He is much to busy for such childish inclinations. Will remain composed in manner of Mrs. Collins when Mr. Collins is talking to my mother. I am glad I had enough strength to send Georgiana a note for the holiday.
10:10 a.m. Will be happy with a Valentine greeting from Cousin Darcy sent in care of both mother and myself as a show of family affection.
10:13 a.m. Will be happy with a note from Cousin Darcy sent in care of Mother as a show of affection.
10:16 a.m. Will be happy with a note from Cousin Darcy inquiring about our health.
10:19 a.m. Will be happy with a note from Cousin Darcy inquiring about health of horses.
10:20 a.m. Have headache will return to bed.
February 14. Rosings. 9:00 a.m. The big day!
90 lbs. (Too excited to eat).
9:05 a.m. I wonder if the post came?
9:10 a.m. Will send for Mrs. Jenkinson.
9:20 a.m. The post has not come.
9:30 a.m. Will just pop down to check for the post.
9:45 a.m. Where is the post?!?!
9:50 a.m. It still isn't here!
10:35 a.m. Why hasn't it come?
10:40 a.m. Ugh! I can not stand it, I will send for Mrs. Jenkinson.
11:00 a.m. I am so excited because Mrs. Jenkinson has just informed me of two letters awaiting me downstairs. She says she recognized the handwriting on one of the notes as my cousin Georgiana's. How sweet. I love Georgiana so much. When we are sisters we will be even closer then we are as cousins. She is always so thoughtful and understanding where my health is concerned. Must hurry down and take my letters into the library for quiet reflection. I will need the privacy to open my letter from Cousin Darcy in which he will finally profess his undying love and ask me to be his bride. Then he will arrive in March and secure my mother's approval, and if all goes well I will be a June bride. I always wanted to be married in June. The birds chirping, the flowers blooming everyone smiling at me as I slowly walk down the aisle of our small church, basking in the glow of love, knowing that my most cherished one is at the alter waiting for me to join him. I will reach the altar and shyly look up into the face of the minister...Mr. Collins (ugh!) forgot about him. Oh well, the spell is broken - will just hurry down!!
11:30 a.m. Have returned to bed. Can not face the rest of day. Yes, there were two letters awaiting me downstairs. One was from Georgiana, and one is from..., oh I can not bear to write his revolting name....
Dear Cousin,My redcoat is red,
Naval coats are blue,
March is soon here,
I've much to tell you!Happy Valentines Day!
Your ever faithful cousin,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
(Ugghhhh!)
5:00 p.m. Upon looking from my window I saw an express rider leaving. I wonder what he could have brought?
5:05 p.m. I hear footsteps approaching my rooms. Could the express be for me?
5:07 p.m. Yes! It is for me! I am so excited I can barely write. The letter has the Pemberley seal on it. Oh, I knew my dearest Darcy would not forget to write me on this day of love. My hands are shaking so violently that I must get a hold on myself before I read the letter. I will go and sit in the window seat and gaze reflectively at the setting sun as I read my letter.
My Dear Cousin,I just reached Pemberley this morning and realized I have been amiss. I hope you do not think me rude.
Oh, that is just like Cousin Darcy, to always think of me.
I forgot to inquire about your health in my last letter. Are you in health? I will be spending the next few weeks at Pemberley with Darcy and then we will travel directly to Kent in a few weeks. I have so much to tell you.Your ever dependable cousin,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
5:15 p.m. I ....am ....so ...ill,......I......can....hardly...write.
February 21.
82 lbs. (vanishing away and no one cares) 7 cups of tea (don't care anymore) 6 coughs, 5 sneezes (v. v. bad).
Food consumed: 2 sips of gruel.
2:15 p.m. Mrs. Jenkinson has just left me, bringing with her a note from the tiresome Miss Pope.
My Dear Miss de Bourgh,
I hope my letter finds you well. I was just telling Mamma that I have not visited you since well before your last unfortunate illness. I would love to call next week if you feel up to a visit. We have not spoken in so long. I have so many things to tell you about my visit to my uncle in London and of the latest fashions for long sleeves.
Why is it that everyone of my acquaintance is so eager to tell me of his or her life as if I don't have a life. I have a life! Well..., I would have had a life if my health had allowed.
As you know Miss De Bourgh I went there to see if I could secure a position of governess to some respectable family by way of one of the agencies. I was unsuccessful and feel quite dejected. I hope you do not hold my failure against me. I am sure you do not since we share a particular friendship.
Friendship?!?!?! I don't think I have ever said more than three words together to Miss Pope in the whole course my life. She only comes around to court the favour of my mother and I find her almost as tedious as Mr. Collins. She will now (as always) drop a hint about my mother finding her a situation.
Perhaps, if you have the chance you might mention to her most noble ladyship the nature of my distress and maybe she would condescend to offer some advice into my next course of action. Your mother always gives such excellent advice. Maybe you could remind her of the superior education I received upon the advice she gave to my mother long ago on the selection of my own governess.
It strikes me as odd that a young woman would enter into the career of "Governess" especially when said young women can not even spell the word "Governess." However, in keeping with my New Years resolutions to: a) Make an effort to talk to people, b) Form friendships with other females (other than Mrs. Jenkinson), and of new resolve of; c) bettering myself by helping others; I will issue an invitation to Miss Pope to join me for tea on Monday.
2:35 p.m. Monday is no good, it is my day to be bled by leaches. Will consult Mrs. Jenkinson about Tuesday.
2:45 p.m. Tuesday is no good, it is my day for mineral bath and aromatic vinegar rubdown. Wednesday then.
2:50 p.m. Wednesday is no good, is my day for digestive purging (much too traumatizing to have visitors that day). Thursday, yes, Thursday.
2:51 p.m. Forgot, will still be traumatized. Friday then.
3:10 p.m. Mother wishes me to ask Mrs. Collins to join us and we will make it a ladies day of sorts.
3:11 p.m.Oh no! I just recalled that if I ask Mrs. Collins I would have to ask the Miss Webbs. If I ask the Miss Webbs I will have to ask the Miss Micklesons. If I ask the Miss Micklesons, their father the apothecary will want to come in to exam me. OH NO! His clammy hands, his foul breath, his yellow teeth. I can not bear it. I must write down list to see how many.
Miss Pope
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
3:20 p.m. Mother says I should invite Lady Metcalfe.
Miss Pope
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Lady Metcalfe
3:45 p.m. Mrs. Jenkinson has just reminded me that Lady Metcalfes two sisters are visiting and must be included in the tea party.
Miss Pope
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Lady Metcalfe
Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Brown
3:55 p.m. Oh no! Mother says she did not realize they had such common last names and said I should now remove them from the list. List now reads:
Miss Pope
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Lady Metcalfe
Mother says Lady Metcalfe outranks Miss Pope and Mrs. Collins so she must be moved to the top of list. New list reads:
Lady Metcalfe
Miss Pope
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Mother reminds me that Mrs. Collins father is a Knight and out ranks Miss Pope's father who is just a common gentleman. List reads:
Lady Metcalfe
Mrs. Collins
Miss Pope
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Mrs. Jenkinson says that the Miss Webbs father's estate is slightly bigger than the Pope estate so I must redo list again. List now reads:
Lady Metcalfe
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Pope
Miss Mickleson
Miss Penelope Mickleson
Mother now says that even though she likes Mickleson as an apothecary, she believes his daughters are too far below my station to invite. Must rewrite list.
Lady Metcalfe
Mrs. Collins
Miss Webb
Miss Edith Webb
Miss Sophia Webb
Miss Pope
6:00p.m. Mother has just left. Servant came into tell us that the Metcalfes, Collins, and Webbs have arrived for dinner. Where did the time go? I have not even changed. I can not bear it; this list writing has quite undone me. What am I to do?
(Ah-choo, Ah-choo, cough, cough, cough, cough, Ah-choo, Ah-choo, cough, cough, Ah-choo).
9:00p.m. Mother says the Webbs will be abroad next week, and Friday is Mrs. Collins day to visit the poor. Mother says she must accompany Mrs. Collins to scold the poor into plenty. Mother also told me that the Metcalfes would be busy interviewing potential governesses on Friday. Hmmmmm. I do believe I have discovered a way to get rid of the odious Miss Pope. I will mention her name to Mother in the morning.
February 22. Rosings.Dear Miss Pope,
I will be pleased to see you next Friday. I have good news.
Your's &.
Miss Anne de Bourgh.P.S. It will just be the two of us.
March ~ Severe Old Maid Panic
March 1.
83 lbs. (progress?)
Rosings. 8:00 a.m. I can not believe it! March has arrived! I will soon see my adored Cousin Darcy again! I will start this month off on a new footing. I am determined to gain weight so when my beloved one sees me, I will have colour in my cheeks as if blooming afresh as a newly opened rose. I think I will order my carriage today and ride into town. Maybe I'll stop in at Bumbleton's and purchase a little lip rouge. Maybe I'll go to the dressmakers and order a new gown. I wonder how I'll look in pink? I wonder if Cousin Darcy likes pink? Blue or Yellow perhaps? Hmmmm?
March 3.
86 lbs. (Hmmmm?)
Food Consumed Today: 1 bowl of porridge, 1 roast pheasant with spring vegetables and a slice of cake.
Rosings. 9:00 p.m. A great day! Darcy's letter arrived today, confirming his plans to visit us at Easter. My appetite has improved. If this continues, perhaps I'll be up to a decent weight by Easter week. I rode into town and ordered two more gowns just in case Darcy likes blue and yellow. I don't want to be caught un-prepared.
March 8.
87 lbs. (A little better)
Rosings. 12:00 noon. Mother has asked me to stop and invite the Collins' to dinner tomorrow night since they have guests at the parsonage. Now, I have to lose precious time on my way into town. Whhhyyyy? I can not bear Mr. Collins. I have too much to do today. I am eager to pick up my new pink gown and Mrs. Bumbleton promised to let me see her new shipment of ribbons before she puts them on display. My new slippers have to be ordered. I have so much to do and stopping in at the Collins' is not on my agenda. I am so cross!
4:00 p.m. The visit to town went off to my satisfaction (aside from seeing Mr. Collins in his ridiculous bee-keeping outfit). Funny, I had the strangest feeling I was being watched from a window. Anyway, all my business in town is now complete. Now I can relax and wait for my avowed one to make his appearance. I am satisfied in the knowledge that I will have his undivided attentions when he comes. Maybe we can go for long walks in the grove together. We will talk of Cowper and Byron, of summers abroad, of gardens and art. He will then seize my hands and bring my palms to his hungry lips. As I look up into his eyes, (which will be burning with desire) he will declare his unwavering passion for me. Then he will say he can not endure to go another day upon this earth without my presence. Ahhhhh! It will be so wonderful to have him here, all to myself!
4:10 p.m. It is so nice to have such wonderful thoughts without interruption.
4:11 p.m. Oh no! I just remembered that Colonel "Interference" will be here too.
4:15 p.m. I wonder if there are any highwaymen about. Maybe I can bribe one of them to carry him off into the night. Yes that sounds like a plan. By cover of night I will steal away into the dark forest to meet up with some unsavory character named..., named..., "Cutthroat Jack!" Yes, Cutthroat Jack and his henchmen (all exceedingly handsome, in a dark, rakish, dangerous sort of way). They will carry him off to meet his maker, never to be seen again. Ha!
4:22 p.m. Maybe if I pay double they will carry Mr. Collins away too. La!
4:24 p.m. However, knowing my luck, I will be found out, no doubt by one of the multitude of half-brained gardeners and under-gardeners who will tell the authorities they saw me consorting with criminals. Then I will be the one charged with conspiracy and abduction. I wonder what the penalty is for abduction is in England? I wonder who knows? Hmmmm? Mother is a magistrate, I'll ask her at tea and see if she knows. Must ask in a roundabout way so as not to rouse her suspicion.
6:05 p.m. Well abduction is no good! She tells me it is a deportable offense and that the doer of the sinister deed would be packed off on a ship to Australia to a prison colony. They have all manner of horrors in Australia, including (but not limited to): Uncharted savage wilderness, beasts of every form and description, and roaming packs of wild dogs. Oh no!
6:09 p.m. Well, I think I will learn tolerance!
March 9. Rosings. 10:00 p.m. We had additional guests this evening at Rosings; Mrs. Collins' father and sister: Sir William Lucas and Miss Maria Lucas and her husband's cousin, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Mother did ask them all manner of questions. Sir William and Miss Lucas had a little trouble finding their tongues. Miss Bennet had an odd way of responding to mother's questions however, almost to the point of impertinence. Without seeming to be impertinent. More like polite impertinence. What one might call witty. Do men like women who are witty? Oh no! I think they do!!!
10:09 p.m. ...my Darcy!!!!?!?!?
10:10 p.m. Mother describes Miss Bennet as a genteel, pretty sort of young lady.
10:11 p.m. Miss Bennet also has nice hair.
10:12 p.m. Miss Bennet says she plays the piano-forte.
10:13 p.m. Miss Bennet is rather pretty in her own way. Quite pretty, I suppose when one looks closely.
10:15 p.m. Miss Bennet does have a fine figure. Sort of robust and hearty. And she has a nice smile.
10:18 p.m. She must be a little on the financially challenged side though.
10:20 p.m. Now that I recall, her eyes do sparkle a bit.
10:21 p.m. I think I'll just go to bed. Sudden headache.
10:23 p.m. My eyes don't sparkle.
10:24 p.m. My eyes don't sparkle, my figure is a little on the flat side, I don't play the piano-forte, and I'm not witty.
10:26 p.m. But I am rich!
10:30 p.m. I will introduce her to my cousin the Colonel. He will then bore her to death with one of his endless stories and she will want to return home as soon as possible.
10:46 p.m. But Miss Bennet is very good at making polite conversation.
10:47 p.m. Cousin Darcy will not like her sort I'm sure, that pretty, sparkling eyed, piano-forte playing, witty conversationalist sort.
4:45 a.m. Oh No! I can't sleep!
March 10. Miz Jenkson gev draft of lodnum for nervs, cant write too wel.
March 17. Rosings. 2:00 p.m. Too ill to write.
March 19. Rosings. 8:00 p.m. Too depressed to write.
March 21. Rosings. 9:00 a.m. Too cross to write after receiving the following letter.
My Dear Cousin Anne,I set off today to come into Kent. I hope you are as eager as I am at our anticipated meeting. When I come I have so much to tell you of the books I have been reading, especially the one by Mr. Norton Wotingsmith-Hodgebottom on: "The Origins of Dead and Ancient Languages" translated into Latin and Sanskrit. And then when we have exhausted all conversation on that delightful topic, I will tell you all of the latest developments in modern, mountain warfare as opposed to ancient, mountain warfare. I have prepared detailed charts and graphs, charting its progression from the Middle Ages to the present. Are you not excited? I will be there with you all sooner then you think.
Your's most dutifully,
Colonel FitzwilliamP.S. By the way, you do remember that Darcy will be with me. I'll wager that you had forgotten!
March 24. Rosings. 11:30 a.m. I have just looked out of my window at the sound of an approaching carriage. Darcy is here! Darcy is here! I must get ready! I will ring for the maid!
11:31 a.m. Where is that blasted maid? Will just ring for Mrs. Jenkinson!
11:32 a.m. Where is that blasted Mrs. Jenkinson? When I don't want her she is always about and now that I need her she is nowhere to be found! Oh there's a knock, it had better be the maid.
"My new pink gown, quickly Lise!! The new slippers too. Do you have iron weights in your feet or something?"
"My new slippers are missing? What do you mean by missing? Well find them!!"
"My hair! What about my hair? Well get Rachel in here to do my hair!!"
"Where is Mrs. Jenkinson????"
"Mrs. Jenkinson why are you standing about? Help me on with my gown!!"
"What do you mean I looked flushed?"
"Please don't call mother!!"
"I said not to call my mother!!"
"Not those slipper's girl, my new pink one's to match my new pink gown. I'm surrounded by simpletons!!"
"If you call my mother I'll have you sacked!!"
"What time is it?"
"A quarter to twelve?"
"No you stupid girl, my new slippers."
"Owww, you're pulling my hair!!"
"I am not tiring myself!!"
"Well get Maddie and Lisa-Michelle up here to help you find my new slippers!!"
"What have you done to my hair you stupid girl?"
"Where is my lip rouge?"
"You are dangerously close to being sacked!!"
"Not the blue ribbons you idiot, the pink ribbons!!"
"It's about time you found my new slippers!!"
"S-A-C-K-E-D spells sacked!!"
"Oh no!! What is this on the front of my new pink gown? It looks like lip rouge!!
"What time is it?"
"No, no, no, the blue one!!
"Take those ribbons away, I need the blue ones."
"What do you mean the blue gown is not finished?"
"If you say I look flushed one more time...!!"
"Can someone please tell me the time?"
"Get the new yellow one then!!"
"Take those slippers away, I don't need them now!!"
"Wipe this rouge off my lips!!"
"Why are you putting blue ribbons in my hair?"
"This is my last warning!! Do not under any circumstances call my mother!!"
"Be careful with that gown you silly girl!!"
"Yellow ribbons you idiot!!"
"Look at what you have done to my new yellow gown, get out, you're sacked!!"
"What time is it?"
"Can you put a few curls in the front, ...um, ...like Miss Bennets?"
"I need another gown, where did that stupid maid go?"
"Oh I forgot!!"
"Oh no!! My face! I need powder!!"
"Quarter past twelve, impossible!!"
"Well get something from the closet!
"Why did you take the lip rouge away?"
"Look on the top shelf!! No, on the shelves in the closet!!"
"That's too much powder!!"
"No, not the brownish-black one? Get the greenish-gray one."
"Mother, what do you mean by...GONE?!?!?"
4:15 p.m. Well I hear Cousin Darcy downstairs. I guess he enjoyed his time at the parsonage. Hmph! He certainly stayed long enough!
4:30 p.m. Will just have to teach him a lesson!
4:31 p.m. What can I do to teach him a lesson?
4:40 p.m. Well I showed him, just sent down a note saying I am indisposed.
4:56 p.m. I am mortified, Cousin Darcy has sent a reply saying not to trouble myself. But Darcy has not seen me in a year. I thought he would have missed me more then this and begged for me to run downstairs into his eagerly awaiting arms.
4:58 p.m. Somehow, this is all Colonel "Simpleton" Fitzwilliam's fault!
5:00 p.m. I guess I could go down to tea and say I am a little better.
6:15 p.m. Well tea was a humiliating experience! They only talked of the people at the parsonage, especially Miss Bennet! I did not realize Darcy was so well acquainted with Miss Bennet! All he could talk about was of meeting her in Hertfordshire. Even my cousin the Colonel spoke very favorably of Miss Bennet. They spoke highly of her pleasing countenance and air, her great wit and beauty. They hardly said two words to me. I am especially puzzled at the colonel's behavior. Did he not write me the whole of the winter of what he would tell me. I am suddenly consumed with a very wretched feeling and I don't know why!
7:00 p.m. Nervs relly bad, cant func-sion.
March --.
Where am I?!?!?!
March 30. Easter Sunday.
85 lbs. (I give up!)
Rosings. 8:00 a.m. I can not believe I have been ill all week. I am still a bit confused but think I can manage church today. Prayer will be my comfort. Yes, I will use this day for quiet reflection. It will be a new beginning, no time for thoughts of ill will to anyone.
Rosings. 10:00 p.m. I can not believe I have been humiliated again. After church mother invited the Collins' and their guests to Rosings this evening for dinner. My "cousins" who I thought would be most attentive to me, especially since they were deprived of my presence during my illness of the past week, spent the entire evening entertaining one Miss Elizabeth Bennet. They have spent the entire week, so I understand from mother, visiting the parsonage, walking about, visiting the parsonage again together or alone and at different times. As I sat across from my Cousin Darcy, with the best-unobstructed view, she charmed him, drawing him in with her piano-forte playing and witty conversation. Try as I might, I could not hear one drop of their conversation. That should have been me sitting there, having my pages turned by two handsome gentlemen. All I could hear was Colonel Fitzwilliam's laughter. Why was he spending so much time with her talking? Was he telling her of his travels? Were they talking of books? That should have been me listening to him. I would have listened; I always listen to him!
11:20 p.m. I wonder if there are any highwaymen about to carry Miss Bennet away to meet her doom?
11:30 p.m. Oh no! I just had a horrifying vision of myself, on a convict ship bound for Australia.
11:32 p.m. ...of getting off of the convict ship in the savage wilds of Australia.
11:36 p.m. ...as old maid, getting off of the convict ship in the savage wilds of Australia.
11:37 p.m. ...being eaten by dingoes.
April ~ Inner Cross-ness!
? lbs.
Rosings. ? a.m. - p.m. Cross! Cross, cross, cross, cross, cross, cross, cross! I don't care if it is night or day! I don't care about anything. I will never care about anything again. Have taken to avoiding cousins. Have only one word for them: Dimwits!
April ?
? lbs.
Rosings. 4:00 p.m. Hmph! After looking from my window I see that Miss Bennet did not come with the Collins' to tea today. Like I care.
4:05 p.m. Hmph! Just looked out of my window again, I wonder where Darcy is going? Like I care.
5:35 p.m. Hmph! I wonder why Darcy looked so cross just now coming up the lane? My, my, he did look cross. Like I care.
April ?
? lbs.
Rosings. 9:00 a.m. Hmph! I hear the dimwittage twins are leaving today. Like I care.
Rosings. 12:00 noon. Hmph! I see the carriage is going. I wonder if my dimwit cousins even realized I was not there to see them off? Like I care.
April ?
? lbs.
Rosings. 9:00 p.m. Hmph! I understand that Miss Bennet is leaving Kent. I was half listening this evening when mother said she looked out-of-spirits. I say she looked cross.
Rosings. 9:03 p.m. Hmph! Like I care
April ?
? lbs.
Rosings. 1:00 p.m. Hmph! I see everything is getting back to normal. The dimwittage duo have been gone for weeks. I wonder where they are now? I wonder if they are in London? I wonder if it's still April? Like I care.
Rosings. 1:10 p.m. Hmph! I see someone has written me a letter. I wonder who it is from. Like I care.
Rosings. 1:11 p.m. Hmph!
Rosings. 1:16 p.m. Hmmmm?
Rosings. 1:23 p.m. Just a quick look.
May 1.My Dear Anne,
Just a quick letter to let you know that I am bound for foreign shores. I now realize we never had an opportunity to speak very much during my last visit. I guess you were busy with your own pursuits and did not have much time for your old cousin.
I did not have the time! Well that is rich coming from him! Like I care.
And now I'm off to fight in the wars. There will be no evenings of pleasant conversation between friends, old and new. No enjoyable young ladies like yourself to chat away with, to take my mind off of the grim tasks that lay before me. No delightful diversions to distract me from the horrors that await me on some far off field of carnage. Oh well. I shan't dwell on what I can not change. Give my good wishes to your mother from me. Hopefully I will see you all again (if I return alive from combat that is). It is sad to think that there will be no one to mourn for me on some distant, foreign battlefield (if they are able to identify my remains). No one seems to care for an old, boring soldier like myself.All the best,
Your cousin,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
All of a sudden... I care.
May ~ To Be or Not To Be
May 9. Rosings. 10:00 a.m. For some reason I feel I never gave my cousin the colonel the attention he deserves. I am ashamed of the way I have treated my cousin in the past. I must own that he did give me ample reason to dislike him and I will never completely get over the abominable treatment I received from both my cousins during their last visit. However, from this day forward, I will show a proper feeling for Colonel Fitzwilliam. I will take an interest in his concerns as well. Maybe I will send him a farewell gift to show how much I care for his concerns. Yes a nice, simple gift of a book or two, which will be easy for him to carry and greatly add to his amusement and will take his mind from the negative aspects of war. I will select something that is both diverting as well as informative. I will order my phaeton to take me into town.
4:00 p.m. Upon informing my mother of the plan to purchase my cousin a book as a form of going away present, she insisted on accompanying me into town this morning for the purpose of sending my cousin an item or two as well. With mother along, the act of buying a book became a fiasco that I will never recover from. I can not believe mother has purchased so much for one person, but she feels these items were absolutely necessary for the comfort of a man with the noble name of Fitzwilliam.
4 Blankets
(Mother is certain that soldiers share their blankets with the horses and if that be the case she is certain that they contain all manner of vermin and infestations).
2 Valises
(Mother wanted to send four but soon recollected that he would most likely not have a servant to carry his luggage - she wanted to send servant as well but soon thought better of it).
Gloves - 5 pairs
(Mother says they are to keep his hands warm on the battlefield and that frostbite is a danger to ones fingers. She feels that one can never have too many gloves and men being what they are, frequently loose things. I wanted to remind mother that it is the month of May, but I thought it better not to disagree; for disagreeing with mother leads you into a pit from which you will never escape).
2 Cloaks
(Mother says he will need to stay warm for the same reason as above and I chose to remain silent for same reason as above).
Wool Stockings - 10 pair
(Mother says inadequate attention to the warmth and dryness of ones feet leads to sickness and disease).
Writing Paper
(Mother believes just because someone is fighting a war, that there is no excuse for neglecting ones friends and relations and diligent correspondence is the sign of good breeding).
Pens
(Same reason as above)
Ink
(Same reason as above)
All the items were packed up in several boxes and sent to him in London. Mother spent the entire journey home from town telling me of all the torment, hardship and suffering he will most likely endure in a war. I must admit that my "care" for my cousin is progressing into a slight form of concern.
5:15 p.m. Concern for his welfare and health that is.
5:18 p.m. Concern that one should naturally have for ones own relation. Nothing like worry or alarm.
5:22 p.m. Yes, I'm certain I'm not worried and alarm is too strong a word. Alarm is something his parents or brother would have. I am sure he is a good soldier and no harm will come to him.
5:35 p.m. I may be slightly concerned, almost mildly worried for my cousin's welfare.
11:30 p.m. Oh no! In all my slight concern and/or mild worry for my cousin's welfare, I forgot to send him any books.
May 10. Rosings. I stepped out this morning and went to Bumbleton's and purchased two books for my cousin and sent them express so they would arrive quickly. While in the store the Collins' came in. The good reverend asked after my health and the health of my mother several times. Does he not realize that we see him almost everyday? I was getting so cross that in the effort to get away, I picked up the two books closest to me and had Mrs. Bumbleton wrap them and send them on their way. I think that they were two volumes of Shakespeare, I hardly noticed for Mr. Collins was hard upon my heels and talking excessively and Mrs. Bumbleton was asking question after question. My mind is still in a muddle.
"Miss De Bourgh! How fortunate it is to see you this fine morning. I was just telling my dear Charlotte that her Ladyship and her excellent daughter would not waste such a fine morning as this. You both are in health I trust?"
"Good Morning Mrs. Collins, um...Mr. Collins and yes we are in health."
"I said, Charlotte my dear, let us hurry into town, for this is Lady Catherine's day to visit the village. I don't see her Ladyship about, pray tell me where she is in town so I might offer her any assistance she would happen to need."
"No my mother is at home. Mrs. Bumbleton I wish to see books this morning; for a gift."
"Yes, Miss. If I may ask, for what manner of person are you purchasing the books?"
"Lady Catherine is in health I trust? I was telling my dear Charlotte that she never neglects her village visits. Her most esteemed Ladyship has such condescension."
"Yes Mr. Collins she is in excellent health. It will be books for a man, my cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam in fact Mrs. Bumbleton."
"Did her Ladyship say when she would grace our humble town with her noble presence or should I visit her later in the day? There are a few matters that need her attention and blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"We have some excellent new books just in this morning Miss."
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, her kind advice...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Uh, uh, yes Mr. Collins. Show me the books, um... please Mrs. Bumbleton."
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, her most esteemed...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...."
"This way if you please, Miss."
"Blah, blah, patronage of her...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Yes, quite Mr. Collins! Mrs. Bumbleton I'll just take any two, these two in fact!"
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, of Rosings Park, and I was just saying the other day... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Yes Mr. Collins! Could you wrap them Mrs. Bumbleton and send them express to the address I have written down!"
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, bestowed her most...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"These two Miss?"
"Blah, blah, her Ladyship has always... blah, blah, blah, blah..."
"Are you sure Miss?"
"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, she is graciousness indeed...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...."
"Yes! I mean, I'm sorry, I, I..." (Achoo, cough, cough, Achoo)
Blah, blah, Bless you and...blah, blah....
"Dearest, do you not have your sermon to finish by today? Goodbye Miss De Bourgh."
"Yes, goodbye Mrs. Collins, it was pleasure to see you. Um, it was...goodbye Mr. Collins." (Forever with any luck).
May 23. Rosings. My mother and I both had letters today. Two from my cousin Darcy and two from my cousin the colonel. How odd for Darcy to write this time of year. I hope it is an apology for the abhorrent behavior to me during his last visit. Mother read her letters aloud during tea. I reserved my letters for a more quiet time, for the Collins' were here and Mr. Collins made ridiculous comments the entire time. It struck me as odd that Mr. Collins would make such an effort to come today, especially since he has such an obvious cold. His swollen, red nose looks so very funny that I had to stifle a laugh. Mother took no notice of his ill health which is even odder, since she is so concerned for mine.
Dear Aunt,I leave shortly and could not go without thanking you for the...gifts. I am sure four blankets, two valises, five pairs of gloves, two cloaks, ten woolen stockings, writing paper, and pens and ink will serve me well on a "battlefield." I daresay no soldier (and I mean no soldier) will be so well equipped. I doubt if even my own general or dare I say even Napoleon himself has such a...thoughtful aunt.
Your grateful nephew,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
Mother remarked on his good breeding and excellent penmanship. Mr. Collins remarked on everything my mother said, twice.
The next letter was from Cousin Darcy, for which I am still amazed at.
Dear Aunt,Forgive my tardiness in writing to express my thanks for your warm hospitality during my recent visit. I was out of sprits for some reason. Well, I will come straight to the point. I am leaving shortly for a horse-buying trip and will not return to London until mid summer when I will make my summer visit to Pemberley. In the mean time, with Anne's approval and yours of course, could Anne come to stay with Georgiana until my return (that is if her health permits). Georgiana is eager to see Anne and will be lonely I fear without any family about for Colonel Fitzwilliam leaves soon for the continent. Between you and me my dear aunt I would like Georgiana to have as much diversion as possible. I believe she has a great deal of apprehension for the colonel's safety. I would have sent her to you, however for the benefit of having her music master she would be better off in town. I know you will agree; for I am sure you know the rewards of constant practice. Please give this your utmost consideration. I eagerly await your answer. Please send your answer soon for I would like Anne to come before Colonel Fitzwilliam leaves on the last day of this month.
Your's Etc.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
Me in London! Mother will never let me go. She commented again and again against the scheme with Mr. Collins nodding in agreement. For some reason, I would like to go to London. I can not explain it. It as if I need to be there. I am sure I am just being silly. Soon after the Collins' went away and I went to the library to read my letters in private.
Dear Anne,I beg you for Georgiana's sake, come to London as soon as possible. I depend upon it. Any effort you make to improve your health will be greatly appreciated.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
Hmmmm? Darcy begging? I wonder what he would look like on bended knee, hands clenched, pleading...Stop it, stop it!... You're still angry with him remember! Will just read my letter from the Colonel.
Dear Anne,Thank you for the books. I am sure I will have infinite use for "History of British Military Defeats" and "Great Shakespearean Tragedies." I am sure I will be... engrossed, during the long, cold, lonely nights when I have nothing better to think of.
Your cousin,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
I am so despicable I can hardly write. He must think me a fool, a complete, utter fool. I am sure he dislikes me now. I can not bear to have him think unfavourably of me, and the strangest reason is... I don't know why.
May 26. Rosings. I cannot believe my luck. Mother has caught Mr. Collins' cold and she fears I might catch it also. She has granted me permission to travel to town. Mrs. Jenkinson and I leave almost immediately and I have no time to write. I must make haste before mother changes her mind. When next I write it will be while in London. I can hardly contain my excitement. For the first time since meeting him, I am grateful to Mr. Collins.
May 28. London. I am here. I can not believe it. Georgiana has given me such a warm welcome. Darcy still looks cross though. I wonder why? Hmmmm. Note to self: Stay out of his way as much as possible. I still have not completely forgiven him, but will make an effort to since it is the Christian thing to do. He will soon be gone and I should be grateful for his invitation to town. I have not as yet seen my cousin the colonel but I am certain to see him tomorrow night at dinner. I have so much to say to him. I mean, I...I have so much to apologize for:
a) My past rude treatment of him;
b) For not being attentive to him during his recent visit (or previous visits);
And,
c) For sending him such ghastly, inappropriate reading material.
The last item, being the most unfortunate of mistakes. I shudder with embarrassment at the remembrance. Ughhh!
May 29. London. 8:00 a.m. I am so very eager to make a good impression tonight. I do not want the colonel to have an ill opinion of me anymore. I wonder if I should wear the pink gown or the yellow one this evening?
8:04 a.m. Hmmmm?
8:08 a.m. Definitely the pink one.
8:10 a.m. I wonder if Lise packed my pink slippers?
8:11 a.m. Ughhh!
8:16 a.m. Definitely the yellow.
2:00 p.m. We have just received a note from our cousin the colonel asking to bring a friend to dinner this evening by the name of Captain Wentworth. I wonder what manner of man he is?
11:00 p.m. Oh my goodness-gracious! Captain Wentworth! Tall, so very tall, and dark! Handsome too. And wearing a blue coat! I can not sleep!
2:13 a.m. Captain Wentworth has been to a great many places and had so many exciting adventures on the high seas. I wonder if he ever came across any pirates?
3:22 a.m. I think he said his ship was the Laconia. Hmmmm? Tomorrow, Captain Wentworth said he was coming to visit me, I mean Georgiana, Darcy and me, to bid us farewell.
3:41 a.m. Captain Wentworth says that I have I delightful name and that he always liked the name Anne.
3:49 a.m. I wonder why Captain Wentworth is not married? He is ever so handsome. However, handsome does not accurately describe him. He is what one might call fine. Sort of striking. Strikingly fine. Such pleasing, unaffected manners too.
4:49 a.m. Captain Wentworth said he would be sailing from Portsmouth to take a regiment to the continent. I wonder whose regiment it is? I hope no harm comes to the Laconia. The colonel has such a charming friend.
4:50 a.m. Oh my God, the Colonel!?!?!?!
May 30. London. 1:00 p.m.. Wretched, wretched, wretched. I am so wretched. I almost overslept and missed the Colonel and Captain's visit. This was my last chance to see my dear cousin before he sets off for Portsmouth. I made my goodbye to the Captain short and sweet. But when I turned and approached the Colonel he looked strange, sort of peculiar. Now, I am absolutely certain he hates me and will never forgive me for the slights of last evening. The conversation was so very strained; I still can not make head or tails of it.
"Well Cousin Anne, you have been so very... what I mean to say, that is...."
"Please allow me to say this colonel, I need to say, I ...."
"Anne, you probably had many other...."
"Just let me explain, I..."
"There is nothing to explain Anne, you must not, that is...."
"Reproach is the only word I...."
"If anyone should reproach themselves it is...."
"Colonel, you must allow me, that is you may..."
"Anne, I have never...."
The Captain then politely interrupted and reminded my cousin the colonel of the time and they set off. I stayed at the door and watched as their carriage drove off down the street. For one brief moment I thought that the colonel turned and looked back at me, but I am sure I was mistaken. I have such a feeling of impending doom in the bottom of my stomach that I can not possibly hope to describe. I can not believe how fickle I was the night before. I will never forgive myself. Oh the folly; the caprice of letting my head become turned by the first handsome man in a blue coat to show the slightest interest in me. My cousin will be risking his life on foreign shores in a desperate bid to ensure this nations safety and what do I do to repay him; I ignored him completely last night. This may very well be the last time I see him. I have learned two great lessons today, one; I deserve to be eaten by dingoes, and two, a redcoat is not so very unbecoming after all.
Part 6
June - Cousin, Hah!
June 1
89 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts of the Colonel - 2
Food Consumed Today:
1 boiled Egg
Sugar biscuits
Roast Beef
Parsnips
Carrots
Georgiana and I bid farewell to Cousin Darcy this morning as he set off on this horse-buying trip of his. He says he will return in one month's time and then he will take us both on to Pemberley if we wish. I must admit that in the past I would have jumped at the opportunity to visit Derbyshire, but for some reason it does not hold the same appeal as it once did. Darcy has been so quiet. I am starting to feel uncomfortable in his presence. He still looks very cross to me and broods a great deal too. Georgiana says he has been increasingly out of spirits since returning from Rosings. She asked me if something happened at Rosings to upset him. I'm sure I do not know. I told her that I rarely saw her brother and that he seemed to prefer the company visiting at the parson's house. I told her of one Miss Elizabeth Bennet and how he enjoyed her company exceedingly. (Hmph!) Georgiana thought on that for a moment and did not say anymore on the subject. Naturally she is worried for her brother and is concerned for the Colonels welfare also, though she says she has every confidence in his abilities. I hope Colonel Fitzwilliam made it safely to the ship. I hope his journey was not too fatiguing. Hmmmm? I hope there will be something good to eat at tea.
June 4
92 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts about the Colonel - 7
Food Consumed Today:
Porridge with cream
3 Scones
Pork Pie (small piece)
Potatoes with butter
Ham
Candid Sweet Potatoes
Beets
Biscuits
For some reason I am so hungry today. Mrs. Jenkinson is worried that the food eaten today will upset my delicate constitution. She is absolutely certain my increased appetite comes from the impure air of the city. How she thinks London air makes one hungry is beyond me. I always thought that it was the country air that makes one hungry.
I wonder if my cousin has made it to the continent yet. It stormed here all night. I wonder if it was stormy at sea also. I hope my cousin was not caught in a storm at sea; not that I need to worry for my cousin. He is a perfectly capable human being. I wonder what is for dinner tonight. I wonder if the army employ's decent cooks. I wonder if the colonel is getting three meals a day.
June 8
94 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts of the colonel - 8
Food Consumed Today:
Omelet with ham and cheese
4 Scones
Yorkshire Pudding
2 slices of Mincemeat pie
Pear tarts with creme Anglaise
Buttered Beans
Roast Pork
3 Teacakes
It stormed again last night most violently. If it stormed here, I am sure it must have stormed at sea. Then again my cousin must be on the continent by now. I hope he was wearing one of his new cloaks and had the collar turned up to keep the damp out. He was never a sickly person so I guess I should not worry for his health so. I seem to have gotten enough ill health for the whole family. I have never known my cousin the colonel to be sickly. Oh, I wrote that before. Nevermind, I will concentrate on other matters and I will write to mother and inform her of the delightful things I have been doing in London.
Dear Mother,
I hope you are better and your cold has not gotten worst. I am having such a wonderful time with Georgiana in London. Upon my Cousin Darcy's returns he has invited me to go with them to Pemberley. Mrs. Jenkinson and Mrs. Annesley continued to perform their duties; although yesterday we were allowed to venture to the park across the street alone for three-quarters of an hour. We have also walked to the museum twice and I have been to the palace to see the changing of the guard. My cousin Darcy has such a wonderful cook. Today she made scones and she says that since I seem to like them so much she will make them for me everyday. Why do we never have scones at Rosings? They are so delightful that I actually had two with my tea.
Hmmmm? In the park un-chaperoned, walking out of doors, eating scones. I don't think Mother will stand for that. Will just change letter to read:
Dear Mother,
I hope you are better and your cold has not gotten worst. I am having a nice quiet visit with Georgiana.Your's affectionately, Anne
June 14
97 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts of the Colonel - trying not to count.
Food Consumed Today:
Toast with butter and marmalade
5 Scones
Chicken Fricassee
New Potatoes in rosemary butter sauce
Cold beef on bread
Caramelized Onions
Green Beans Almondine,
Chocolate Cake
No word from the colonel to tell us if he has arrived in safety or not. Why hasn't he written? Is it not rude when one does not write his relations; not that I really am all that distressed for him. He is a grown man after all. And on further study, I believe that it would be very difficult in a war zone to write letters. With cannons blasting over your head every second, men crying out in agony, all manner of mayhem and confusion. Oh no! Cannons, agony, mayhem. Out, out bad thoughts! Out, out I say! Must think of better topics like, like...Cook! She says she will purchase clotted cream to go on the scones. I never had clotted cream before. She assures me it is very delightful. I was never permitted to have such delectable things to eat at Rosings. I wonder what Mother would say if she knew that I was eating such rich food. I wonder what mother would say if she knew that I have been having conversations with a cook. I shan't be the one to tell her, and I hope Mrs. Jenkinson has not written to tell her. And speaking of writing, I can not believe Colonel Fitzwilliam has not written at all! Not once! Doesn't he realize that Georgiana is worried about him?
June 26
101 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts of the colonel - still trying not to.
Food Consumed Today:
Eggs with cheese sauce
3 Scones with Devonshire clotted cream
Duck L'Orange
Potatoes in dill sauce
Ham with wine glaze
Pickled Herring
Veal Milanese
4 tea cakes
The cook tells me she has three grown children, one sister in service in the King's household and a brother who is a footman at Pemberley. She is most fascinating. I wonder why I never realized that the kitchen is such a fascinating place. I could spend the whole of the day in there. I guess the colonel is too busy with his duties to send word. I am sure that something absolutely dreadful has happened to him. I can not shake the feeling. I'm so hungry! Will just run down to the kitchen for a light snack.
June 29
103 lbs., Tea - 0, Coughs - 0, Sneezing - 0, Thoughts of the colonel - stopped counting ages ago.
Food Consumed Today:
4 Scones with Devonshire clotted cream.
3 teacakes
1 chicken
3 lamb chops
1 apple pie
Mrs. Jenkinson says she is concerned for my health. She says I do not look myself. She says she will write to mother and say I should return home. I told her that if she wrote to mother she would be sacked. Georgiana and I are having a wonderful visit. Today we went to the dressmaker. I ordered five new gowns. For some reason all my clothes are too small. It must be the heat; one tends to swell in the heat. Mrs. Annesley remarked that I looked remarkably well lately. Hmmmm? I have not sneezed or coughed in such a long while and I must admit that I am feeling better in body, but not in mind. This situation with the colonel has left me perplexed. Actually I have grown quite angry with him. He doesn't show proper concern for his relations. I have been in London a month complete and he has not written once to say he is in health, that he made it to the ship or just to say all is well. I feel,...I mean, we feel very badly used. To think he could not spare one single minute to drop a line or two. My opinion of him has taken a downturn. I believe I will not think of him again. As mother would say "He deserves no such attention from me." Cousin, Hah! Indeed! Hmph! Like I care!
* LONDON TIMES *
-Late edition-
*June - Missing in Action List*
-Officers-
Andrews - Captain, 99th Lancers
Arthur - Captain - 22nd Dragoons
Barnum - Major - 22nd Dragoons
Cooper - Ensign - 35th - Light Artillery
Fife - Lieutenant - 20th Lancers
Fitzwilliam - Colonel - 2nd Calvary
Harcourt - Ensign - 58th Fusiliers
Harrison - Lieutenant - 34th Artillery
Jamison - Lt. Colonel - 68th Lancers
Martin - Ensign - 58th Fusiliers
Taylor - Major - 99th Lancers
June 30, London.Dear Aunt Catherine,
I returned home yesterday to find my sister, Anne, and the whole of the house in total uproar. News of a distressing nature has reached us by way of the London Times. It seems that Colonel Fitzwilliam's name has appeared on the "Missing in Action List." Anne was found in the library in a state that I could only describe as serious agitation. Georgiana is equally unsettled though more composed of spirits. Anne seems to be taking this news quite badly, speaks in delirious sentences, and begs to return home. I assure you the doctors have examined her and they have taken the liberty to administer the required medication. In a few days when she is well enough to travel, Mrs. Jenkinson will accompany her home to Rosings. Georgiana and I will remain in London until we hear further news on the Colonels whereabouts and will postpone our trip to Pemberley. I now see it was selfish to ask for Anne to come to visit my sister for the summer, especially with her delicate state of health and this blow to our family has taken its toll. Forgive this short letter but I must now write to my Uncle and Aunt Fitzwilliam personally with the unfortunate news, for they are in Scotland and I am certain the London papers have not reached them as yet.
Your Nephew,
Fitzwilliam Darcy
July - What?
July 5. Where am I?
July 9. Nervs ver bad an agitatd - cant think too goods.
July 11. Lodnum is good.
July 16. Luwdnum is my frind.
July 22. 10:00a.m. Returning to spirits somewhat, memory a bit fuzzy.
10:05 a.m. Oh no, the colonel!
July 31. 11:45 a.m. I have taken to sitting in the library with the drapes drawn. I will go through the mail as a way to occupy my mind. Mother has a lot of mail on her desk today, which I will briefly look over. Let's see:
One was from her solicitor in London requesting details on my financial settlement in case I marry this year.
(Ha! That's very funny. I guess mother is still holding out for Cousin Darcy to announce his intentions. That is not likely to ever happen).
One is from Uncle Fitzwilliam from Matlock, inviting us to some sort of celebration.
(That strikes me as odd. What do we have to celebrate?)
One is from Cousin Darcy.
(Hmmmm? He says he has returned to London from Derbyshire to tie up some business and hopes that I have recovered upon hearing the news. News? What news? No one ever tells me anything when I am unwell!)
One is from Mr. Collins.
(I am still too ill to even care what he has to say. Will just put that one on the bottom of the stack).
One is for me from Colonel Fitzwilliam.
(What does he want?)
One is for me from Georgiana.
(I'll save that for later).
Mother soon came in to say I needed to rest, so here I am back in my room with nothing to do but sit here in bed, thinking of my wretchedness.
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(Oh my God! Colonel Fitzwilliam?!?!?!)
July 23, Portsmouth
Dear Cousin Anne,
Just a short note to tell you that the reports of my disappearance have been grossly exaggerated. I have just reached Portsmouth today. I did not wish to delay in informing you that all is well. The situation here is chaotic but, please be assured that I am well and that I hope to see you all soon. I have so much to tell you, however I must first away to London to confer with my commanding General.I remain your devoted cousin,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
10:00 a.m. I feel so much better. I am so relieved. I can hardly write, for the paper is now moist with my tears.
10:26 a.m. That is, tears of joy that one would naturally shed for ones own relation upon hearing good news.
10:32 a.m. I'll read Georgiana's letter.
July 25, Pemberley.Dear Anne,
I hope that you are better and the attack of nerves you suffered from during your recent visit to me has subsided. By now you must have heard of the wonderful news that our beloved cousin is returning to us safely. Imagine our surprise when, on the very day you left us, we received word that our cousin never made it to the continent after all. A storm at sea had blown them off course and they ended up in the channel isles until their ship could be towed back into port. The colonel has written us to say that Captain Wentworth is an excellent navigator and saved many lives.
I also have news of your acquaintance, Miss Elizabeth Bennet. I have recently met her here at Pemberley and she is such a lovely person and I suspect my brother has a particular regard for her (but I think I am getting ahead of myself.)
And speaking of "particular regards" Anne, during your delirium you said things which have puzzled me exceedingly. I alone heard them for my brother was out of the room, sending for the doctor. I am sure that you were naturally concerned for our cousin's welfare and maybe I am being too forward in asking, but I must know. Do you have a "particular regard" for the colonel? Do you understand my meaning? If you can not or will not answer I will try to understand and never mention it again.Your's Etc.
Georgiana
"Particular Regard" for the Colonel, indeed! Ha! Don't make me laugh. Georgiana needs a rest more than I do. Really! I esteem him and like him. He is almost like my brother, if I had a brother that is. He is almost ten years my senior. He is my cousin for goodness sake. I like all my cousins. I will own to some partiality to my Cousin Darcy in the past, but that is all forgotten. I forgot about Darcy long, long ago, way back when I first heard about...well when ... its like...when...that is to say....
Dear Georgiana,
Thank you for your kind inquiry concerning my health. I have just learned today of the wonderful news about our cousin. I now feel an explanation is needed for your questions concerning my regard for our cousin the colonel. I must say that my feelings about our cousin falls safety within the bounds of propriety that one would naturally have concerning ones own relation. My outburst should have been more guarded and I confess I was a 'little' concerned. I may also venture to add that I could have also possibly been a 'little' worried for his health, as I would be worried for, say your health or the health of any other member of our family. I can safety assure you that....
Oh goodness gracious!
Dearest Georgiana,
Please forgive me, but I have to tell someone or I think I will explode. Georgiana, I think I'm in love with the Colonel!Desperately awaiting your reply,
Anne
Part 7
August ~ Wasting Away
August 1. 5:00 a.m. Why did I post that letter?
5:08 a.m. Georgiana will think I have gone completely nutters.
5:12 a.m. I wish I had not posted it. I can not bear to be laughed at.
5:18 a.m. She'll tell Darcy and they will both laugh at me!
5:22 a.m. Then colonel will happen by and he'll read it and then he will laugh at me too!
5:27 a.m. They are probably all laughing at me right now!
5:36 a.m. Oh no! I just know they're all laughing at me right now as they pass my letter around!
5:50 a.m. I can not face the day! Have returned to bed.
5:51 a.m. Oh, never left bed.
August 2. 8:00 a.m. Can not face day. Previous day spent thinking on actions of previous day has left me ill and weak.
August 5. 10:05 a.m. Mrs. Jenkinson has just brought me a letter from Georgiana. I am absolutely certain it says something about how much she enjoyed laughing at my last letter. I refuse to open it.
10:08 a.m. Just a quick peek.
Dearest Anne,
I can not believe it! You love the colonel! How wonderful! I can not imagine two more perfectly suited people. My two favorite cousins together! Does the colonel know his good fortune yet? Have you written him to express your feelings? I am so delighted. Oh, Anne when am I to congratulate you both? What does my aunt have to say? This is so agreeable to me that I can hardly contain my pleasure at this bit of news. Have you thought of the wedding clothes? May I be a bridesmaid? Anne you sly thing. Why did you not mention it before? Did you know how you felt all the time you were with me in London? Did the colonel know your feelings before he went away? Where will you...
Georgiana's letter went on and on, in fact four sides of paper where insufficient to contain all of her delight. Hmmmm? I must write to her before this gets out of hand.
Dear Georgiana,
Thank you for your kind words. However you have gotten a little ahead of yourself concerning my relationship with Colonel Fitzwilliam. That is just it, I can not tell the colonel my feelings, I am a little afraid. He does not know how I feel; no one does excepting you. Please, please, please, I entreat you, not a word to a soul. I have only just recently admitted to these feelings myself. Truly, Georgiana I only wanted to unburden my mind a little, I know I can trust you with my secret.Your's Etc.
Anne
11:30 a.m. Yes, now I will have Mrs. Jenkinson send this to the post and my mind will be at ease
11:45 a.m. How silly of me to think Georgiana would laugh at me. But I must admit it was a little funny reading her letter, going on and on about wedding clothes and bridesmaids and such. Heavens I have not told the colonel how I feel let alone Mother.
11:47 a.m. Oh my God! Mother!
11:49 a.m. Oh no! I can not possibly tell mother my feelings. What will she think? All her hopes and dreams for Cousin Darcy and me down the drain. She will make my life miserable if she suspects I have an attachment to the handsome but comparatively poor Colonel Fitzwilliam.
11:55 a.m. She will make Colonel Fitzwilliam's life miserable and the bad thing is, he will never know why she is making his life miserable.
12:00 noon. Oh no! She will make everyone's life miserable!
12:03 p.m. Can not endure the terrible set of events I have set in motion. Will now retire to bed since can not face the remainder of the day.
August 6. 5:00 p.m. The Collins were invited to tea. Yet another fun-filled evening with the Reverend Collins. Ugghhh!
"I told my poor cousins just last week of your advice, saying that they must cast off the unworthy child."
"And like I always say Mr. Collins, this one false step in one daughter must be injurious to the fortunes of the others."
"I agree with you wholeheartedly your Ladyship. I mentioned that to them as well. What a grievous affliction, what licentiousness of behavior in one so...."
"Yes, yes! But did you remember to say, "Who will connect themselves with such a family?"
"I related all the opinions of your most benevolent Ladyship, word for word and blah, blah, blah....."
I did not hear one word of the conversation because I was... A princess in a darkened forest, terrified and alone waiting to be rescued. What's that? A sound in the forest, I am not alone. It sounds like laughter. I must investigate. Oh no! Pirates! No, no, not pirates! Highwaymen! Yes Highwaymen, there must be a half dozen at least. Oh no! I have stepped on a branch and they have heard me. They're getting up. They're running after me. I run through the forest as fast as I can, but they are catching up. Help! Help! Is there no one to save me?
*Dum, Dum, Tatdum!*
"I will save you madam."
"Who is there?"
"Tis I, Colonel 'Braveheart' Fitzwilliam at your service!"
"My herrrooo!"
"Tis nothing ma'am. I live to serve. But you look fatigued, I shall carry you!"
"No, sir you mustn't! It would be... immodest!"
"Nonsense!"
"But, but...I have been running through these woods and I am wet and muddy. Your lovely redcoat will be ruined. Please sir, I do not wish to leave a watermark!"
"ANNE DE BOURGH! We were speaking to you!"
"Uh, uh ...yes mother."
"Anne, you look flushed. More flushed then I have ever seen. Bed! Mrs. Jenkinson take Miss Anne up to her rooms. She needs rest!"
"Yes mother, I agree."
August 12.
Dear Aunt Catherine,
I have not had the opportunity to write to you before this but I do wish to visit you soon. Father wrote to tell me he wants to give me a welcome home celebration next month. I wish to have no part in it. I was not lost in battle, just simply shipwrecked off of Cork for three weeks. He makes it sound as though I have been diligently fighting the French, instead of what I was actually doing; reading Shakespeare and sunning myself.So on my way home, if I have time, I will stop through for a few days on my way to Matlock. Until then.
Your Nephew,
Colonel Fitzwilliam
Oh, what a nice letter. Now um, um...where's mine?
August 13. 10:00 a.m. It's the usual time for the post. Where is my letter?
August 14. 10:00 a.m. Where is my letter?
August 15. 10:00 a.m. I wonder if the post has come?
August 16. 10:00 a.m. Surely he has not forgotten me?
August 17. 10:00 a.m. La! A letter for me!
Dearest Anne,
Your secret is safe with me.
Georgiana
August 18. 10:00 a.m. There must be a simple explanation.
August 19. 10:00 a.m. Today is my birthday, surely there will be a letter today. He has never forgotten my birthday.
11:59 p.m. Not too late for an express, certainly.
12:00 midnight. Noooooooooo!
August 20. 10:00 a.m. WHERE IS MY LETTER!
August 21. 10:00 a.m. I am being silly! He is a busy person, an officer in His Majesty's Army. He has important military matters to see to. Oh, Anne, you silly nilly.
August 22. 10:00 a.m. I bet he has plenty of time to write to his mother!
August 23. 10:00 a.m. I don't need a letter from him. In fact I don't need to ever see him again!
August 24. 10:00 a.m. And now that I recall, I really don't have any feelings for him!
Dearest Georgiana,
On further reflection, I believe my attachment to the colonel was only a fleeting sentiment based on agitation of nerves. I also feel that young ladies often get carried away with emotional distress during times of family crisis.Your's most cordially,
Anne de Bourgh
August 25. 10:00 a.m. Hmmmm? No letter from Colonel "Indolent" Fitzwilliam today. Like I care! I'm off for a trip to town. I will stop in at Bumbleton's and order a new bonnet. One never has enough bonnets.
August 26. 10:00 a.m. Maybe a new pair of slippers today?
August 27. 10:00 a.m. And one also needs stockings.
August 28. 10:00 a.m. Maybe a new petticoat would be nice. And since I am buying one, I might as well buy five.
August 29. 10:00 a.m. Might as well get new gowns because other new gowns are suddenly too large.
August 30. 10:00 a.m. Note to self, have carpenter add more shelves to the closet.
August 31. 10:00 a.m.
Dearest Anne,
I don't believe one word in you last letter.
Georgiana
Neither do I Georgiana, neither do I.