Posted on 2011-09-17

Darcy could not quite believe his eyes. His old friend Charles stood before him in an apparel that could not be described in any other words than that it was definitely female attire.

'Bingley, what on earth are you wearing there?' he asked.

Charles Bingley gave him a rakish grin.

'Well, I thought I'd better get into the traditional costume,' he said, 'and this seems to be as authentic as you can get them ...'

'But it looks like a dress! It has an apron!' Darcy spluttered. 'Also - have you had your chest waxed?'

Bingley at least had the decency to blush.

'Well, yes - it looked a bit odd, otherwise, you see,' he admitted. 'And the hotel had these fantastic deals on spa treatments - I mean, I'm not completely happy with how low-cut it is, but I can always tuck my lace in ...'

It was then that Bingley' sister Caroline appeared on the scene, which, incidentally, was the lobby of a larger, rather pricey, hotel in Munich. To Darcy's absolute horror, she too wore what had to be a very bad joke. Her lederhosen barely covered a quarter of her thighs and were held up by a pair of braces which quite accentuated what her tight white shirt could not hide. She was followed by her sister Louisa, who, to Darcy's immeasurable relief, had decided to wear ordinary jeans and a blouse.

'Oh, for heaven's sake, Charles!' Caroline groaned. 'That oaf of a valet of yours mixed up the suitcases again. That is my dirndl!'

Bingley pouted.

'Are you quite sure? Because I do think I have the legs for this, whereas you ...' He swirled around in his dress and let his apron flutter. Seeing Caroline's glance, he hastily added, 'I mean, you look fabulous in your lederhosen, that is for sure!'

Darcy groaned. He tried to remember when he had agreed to this, but could not recall.

'Maybe we shouldn't go after all,' he said. 'After all, it's only a tourist trap and -'

'I am a tourist,' Bingley said. 'I want to see it. And I want to do everything as traditional as possible.'

With that, he marched right out of the lobby, ignoring the looks several of the receptionists were giving him, and asked the porter to hail a taxi. Caroline and Louisa ran after him and Darcy, shaking his head and muttering wildly, followed, even though he had no clear idea why he was doing this.

Darcy groaned again. The moment that they had entered the Wies'n area, he had been surer than ever that this was a very bad idea, especially after he had heard Charles trying to buy a pretzel from a young man who looked very frightened after his encounter and hastily retreated into a nearby tent.

'Let me transact the communications with the locals,' Darcy thus suggested. 'I do think I shall manage to speak German; after all, I went to Oxford.'

Bingley laughed and clapped him on the shoulder.

'Eh, no problem,' he said. 'I know how you hate talking to people and you know, I really crammed some vocabulary. I shall be fine. Here, let me show you!'

He pointed at an unsuspecting girl in a dress that was remarkably similar to his. She was standing nearby and looked as if she were waiting for someone. To say she was surprised when a dirndl-clad Bingley approached her would be an understatement, but unlike the young man with the pretzels, she did not run away immediately. Bingley tried his most charming smile and his best German on her.

'Entschuldigung, younger Fräulein,' he said. 'Haben Sie einer Maultaschen* for me?'

The girl, whose name, incidentally, was Hanni Bentmann, looked quite flabbergasted, mustered Charles' apparel again as well as that of his sister, chuckled, gave Charles a cheerful wink and beckoned to her sister, Liesl, for whom she had been waiting and who was approaching them now. Louisa leaned over to Charles.

'What did you say, Charles?' she asked.

'Asked her for a kiss,' Bingley explained with a rakish grin. 'It's the thing to do in Bavaria. See, she's even bringing some girl for you, Darce.'

'I do not think that is what you said, Charles,' Caroline muttered.

'I tell you, I know German. See how pretty those two are?' Bingley protested.

Meanwhile, Liesl and Hanni were having a whispered conversation.

'Bingley, I am not in the mood to get herpes from some Octoberfest floozies who will expect me to buy them beer for outrageous prices before vomiting on my shoes because they can't hold their liquor!' Darcy hissed through clenched teeth.

'Shh! They can hear you!' Bingley said.

Darcy huffed.

'Please, Charles. As if anyone here would understand me,' he said.

Hanni was now nudging Liesl and turned to Bingley again.

'Bitt' schön, wos habenS' g'rad g'sagt?' she said with a sweet smile.

Bingley looked at her with an open mouth.

'Eh ...'

'I think she wants to know what you just said,' Caroline whispered.

Hanni gave an encouraging nod.

'Entschuldigung, younger Fräulein,' Bingley said, blushing furiously. 'Haben Sie einer Maultaschen for me und meine friend?'

Liesl giggled.

'A Maultaschn?' Hanni repeated.

Darcy groaned. Liesl gave him a pointed look and then smiled sweetly at Bingley.

'Wollts ihr a Watsch'n** hoam?' she said.

'Yes! Yes, Watschen!' Bingley said eagerly and nodded furiously.

'What? What are we going to watch?' Louisa asked. 'Darcy, what did she say?'

'Eh …' Darcy stammered. 'She must be speaking some dialect, I presume ...'

Bingley meanwhile looked mightily pleased with himself.

'I think it's going really well,' he said. 'I told you, Darcy, I know my way around.'

'Yes, now can we please go back to the hotel,' Darcy said. 'I'm heartily sick of seeing you communicating with the local town tramps in sign language.'

'Now, Darcy, I don't know that they would be town tramps,' Bingley interjected. 'I mean, they look pretty nice. The blonde one especially, she's an angel -'

'Pah,' Darcy said. 'Their costumes are very low-cut, and they didn't seem to mind your asking them for a kiss at all.'

Hanni and Liesl were observing this intercourse with interest, but did not say anything, at least until Liesl whispered something in Hanni's ear, whereupon Hanni blushed. Hanni then pointed at herself.

'I bin die Hanni!' she said, enunciating every syllable clearly.

'Yes! Yes, Honey!' Bingley said even more eager.

Caroline shook her head.

'I think that's her name, Charles!' she said, then held out her hand to Liesl and Hanni. 'I am Caroline.'

Liesl shook Caroline's hand and said, 'Liesl.'

Finally, Charles caught on and, holding out his hand to no one in particular, said, 'Charles.'

'Servus, Charles!' Hanni said and shook Charles' hand.

'What? What's going on?' Louisa asked.

Caroline took over the rest of the introductions.

'Oh - that's Louisa - and that's Fitzwilliam -'

Darcy groaned yet again.

'Fitz - william?' Liesl repeated.

'Yes, a very ancient, very respected family name - not to be confused, I beg you, with the kind of family names hereabouts,' Darcy muttered, 'that come from generations of incest and breeding with barnyard animals - oh, whatever. It's not as if you could understand me.'

'Just ignore him,' Caroline said to Liesl. 'He's an idiot.'

Liesl seemed to understand this.

'Ignore? Yes, okay!' she said.

Bingley, meanwhile, was still speaking to Hanni.

'Möchten Sie einen Bär trinken, Honey?' he asked.

'Bär?' Hanni repeated.

'Einer Bär! Bär!' Bingley said and mimed drinking.

'I gloab', der will a Bier trink'n geh'n mit dir.' Liesl said to Hanni.

'Yes! Beer, yes!' Bingley said.

Darcy groaned again.

'So, it's the same word in German as in English, and still you couldn't get it right, Bingley?' he said. 'Can we please go back to the hotel now?'

'No, i glaub', der will koa Bier net trink'n,' Liesl said to Hanni.

'Yes! Beer, yes, for alle, yes?' Charles said.

Hanni gave Liesl a pleading look.

'Oh, geh' ma alle z'samma a Bier trink'n, ja?' she said. 'Oh, bitt' schön, Liesl, bloaß oans!'

'Aber wirkli' bloaß oans -' Liesl said. 'I mog net den goanzn Tog mit dies'm Lackl dem z'widren aufananda hock'n!'

Caroline chuckled.

'What? What did she say?' Louisa asked.

'I think they agreed to have one beer with us,' Caroline said, 'even though they seem to be less than impressed with Darcy and the prospect of having to spend a day with him.'

Liesl eyed Caroline warily, but said nothing for the moment.

'Oh, please, no!' Darcy groaned. 'I told you, first they ask you for a beer, then another one, and in the end, they drink your wallet empty and you wake up in Munich's sleaziest hotel, missing your watch and your cufflinks, but having acquired a lovely VD and, perhaps, an illegitimate son called Hermann!'

'Are you speaking from experience, Darcy?' Bingley asked.

'No, of course I'm not!' Darcy answered hotly.

'Who wears cufflinks to the Oktoberfest anyway?' Caroline asked.

'Yeah, I wouldn't even know where to put them on this -' Bingley agreed.

'For heaven's sake, that is because you are wearing a woman's frock, Charles!' Darcy cried.

Liesl again whispered something into Hanni's ear, whereupon Hanni boldly reached for Bingley's apron and fingered the material.

'Des is a fesches Dirndl!***' she said.

'Yes! Yes, let's fetch some beer!' Charles said.

* Maultaschen is a sort of South-German ravioli. It's a bit bigger and the filling is different, but that's the general idea. The word sounds similar to Maulschellen, which means a slap in the face.

** Watschen is another word for a slap in the face.

***Hanni seems to think that Bingley's dirndl is quite smart.

With much pointing and miming, everyone finally managed to settle at a free table in a beer tent and Liesl negotiated with a waitress and ordered for them.

'Zohlts ihr zsamma od'r g'trennt?' the waitress asked.

'Eh - ich werde zahlen for den Bären alle!' Bingley said quickly, guessing, correctly as it turned out, that the waitress had asked how many checks they wanted.

'Des san dann 50 Euros glatt, bitt' schön!' the waitress said.

'Liesl, des san 100 Mark - mia könn' eahn doch net 100 Mark für des Bier zoahln lass'n!' Hanni whispered.

'Ah, geh, Hanni, der schaut scho as, ols ob er des verkraft'n tät,' Liesl whispered back.*

Meanwhile, Bingley was rummaging in his wallet.

'So, this is, err, a ten, and that -?' he said and held up the notes.

'Twenty, Charles,' Caroline said. 'Look at the little numbers. Your careless behaviour with money does indeed suggest that spending that much on beer would not hurt you.'

'Darcy, I say, could you help me out with some money?' Bingley whispered. 'I think she said fifty just now, and I don't think I have fifty -'

Darcy groaned yet another time.

'I won't say I told you, Charles, but, I told you -'

He opened his wallet, pulled out a fifty and handed it to the waitress, who took it and disappeared. Hanni, meanwhile, caught a glance of Darcy's walled, gasped and pointed at it excitedly.

'What?' Darcy snapped. 'Have you never seen that much money? Or real ostrich leather?'

'Des Bild!' Hanni panted. 'Liesl, des Bild!'

'A Bild?' Liesl repeated.

'Des Bild! Er hoat a Bild -'

'What was billed?' Louisa interjected. 'I thought Charles was paying for everyone -'

'I think Darcy has a picture in his wallet of something that interests them,' Caroline explained.

Darcy flipped open his wallet, saw the picture in question and hastily tried to remove it.

'Don't know how it got here - must have got here by accident - not mine -' he muttered.

Bingley had now espied the picture as well.

'Darcy - why do you have a picture of a fat blond boy in Lederhosen in your wallet?' he asked.

Now Liesl too could see the picture, and she too gasped.

'Des is jo - des is jo -' she panted.

'This is nothing,' Darcy snapped. 'Nothing. Verstehen? Nothing. Nicht. Kein. Verstehen?'

'Darcy, who is that fat kid?' Caroline asked.

'Thisismysonokay?' Darcy murmured. 'Noneedforthemtoknow.'

Liesl said, 'Hanni!'

Hanni said, 'Liesl!'

'Hanni, i gloab, er is -'

'Naa, Liesl, des muas an Irrtum saan-'

'Schmarrn, Hanni. Des is koa Irrtum! Des is der narrische Lackl, wo d'r Voater vom Hermann dem Schinken is!'

Caroline burst out laughing.

'What? What? Why are you laughing?' Darcy asked.

'Apparently, you have fathered a boy called Hermann the Ham!' Caroline explained. 'And they think you're a foolish nitwit.'

Darcy choked on his beer.

'You understand German?' Liesl said to Caroline.

'You speak English?' Darcy asked Liesl.

'You are the father of Hermann the Ham?' Liesl asked Darcy.

'What?' Bingley asked.

'What?' Louisa repeated.

In that very moment, another waitress saw them and came over to their table.

'Geh, schau, Hanni, Liesl, servus, was machts ihr denn -' she greeted Hanni and Liesl.

'Grüß' Gott, Lydia!' Liesl said.

Upon hearing that name, Darcy spun around and saw the waitress called Lydia.

'F-f-fräulein Bentmann -' he stammered. 'This is - I mean - eh -'

'Ah, geh, William, servus!' the waitress said and gave him a wide smile. 'Brachst do net so förmlich tun! I bin do die Lydia! Und oaßerdem hoaß i do eh jetzt Lydia Schinkeschlecht.'**

'Eh -' Darcy said weakly.

Meanwhile, Lydia had already turned around and was hollering to a boy a couple of benches away.

'Hermann!' she shouted. 'Der Papa is do! Kimm zu dei Papa! Loaf!'***

* The girls are arguing whether it's fair to let Bingley pay for all of their drinks. Liesl thinks he looks rich enough for it not to matter to him.

** Lydia is telling Darcy there's no need to be so formal, and anyway, she's now called Lydia Schinkeschlecht.

*** 'Your daddy is here! Come to your daddy! Run!'