Posted on 2012-07-06

"How good it was in you, my dear Mr. Bennet! But I knew I should persuade you at last. I was sure you loved your girls too well to neglect such an acquaintance. Well, how pleased I am! and it is such a good joke, too, that you should have gone this morning and never said a word about it till now." --Mrs. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

The moment he knew the door to be closed tightly behind him, Mr. Bennet let out a sigh that was equal parts relief and anticipation.

It was a long-held secret between he and his wife, one not known even to their children, that Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were lovers of a good practical joke. It was what had originally drawn him to the younger woman. Her beauty may have caught his eye at their first introduction but it was the mischievous glint that marked her expression as she subtly and nonchalantly dropped a couple of wriggling worms into the elaborate hair of another woman (he would later learn it was her own sister, the future Mrs. Philips) that held his attention. Her mock horror and hysteria upon the subsequent screech of the victim discovering the slithering creatures as they made their way down her face to the dark and warm cocoon that was her cleavage had him falling for her, hard.

To the astonishment of his friends and acquaintances-- his distaste for dancing was no secret--he asked her to stand with him during the next reel. Wicked trickster that she was, she told him he was welcomed to partner with her at the next availability. It was not until the end of the night, after he had spent his evening glowering at all the other men who led her to the dance floor that he learned she was a young woman in high demand--and her next availability was not until the next dance.

Later he would learn that she had meant to dissuade him, thinking him an older stuff-coat like her cousin whom had introduced the two. Before that, however, he found himself watching her, falling harder with every prank she pulled. He admired the simplicity of her jokes, the ingenuity she displayed, and most of all, her ability to express the utmost shock, horror, even distaste, as she was regaled with the victim's misfortune.

It was these observations that prevented him from giving into disappointment when she displayed none of the traits he found so charming when he was at last able to escort her to the dance floor. He thought to provoke her but she responded as any respectful young lady would--well, he would have none of that!

He went about it wrongly at first, seeking to provoke her into paying him attention, into revealing her inner trickster to him. All he accomplished was making a fool of himself (in the name of love, he amended) to everyone around them. They laughed at the silly fool who sought to court such a vivacious young lady with talks of unfortunate happenings to others and of writers and characters she might find comedic. It drove him to distraction, her proper responses to him with only the occasional flirtatious undertone. That was nothing to the insanity he was certain he was inching ever closer towards when, afterwards and thinking herself unobserved, she would pull one of her tricks on an unsuspecting character.

To this day, he remained uncertain what exactly had changed between them but he was just about to give up when it happened. He was calling upon her family with Mr. Philips (dull lad but what could he do? He was too hopelessly in love not to accompany the other man on his weekly visits to that house in Meryton) when he went to take a sip of his cool tea and ended up spitting out an indignant and very likely traumatized frog. The family was aghast, perhaps more so when they came to think him mad upon his reaction: he laughed and laughed, his previously sour mood replaced immediately by merriment.

That settled it: He was going to marry that Gardiner woman.

Still, she treaded cautiously with him and he found himself despairing when it appeared all the progress he believed he made would lead nowhere. She was intrigued--he knew it was interest in her eyes when he had laughed at the tea incident. However, her response when he attempted to converse with her on comedy was first suspicion, and then, unfathomably, disappointment. It was not until he thought back that he concluded the frog was likely a test--and one he had passed only to bungle afterwards. That realization was the key to everything and told him what he had to do.

One week later, Fanny Gardiner, later to be Mrs. Thomas Bennet, found herself searching high and low for her favorite fan. Two days following that, she found it--of all places--in the assembly room where a ball was being held at that very moment. She opened it and let out a surprised scream when a large group of worms fell out, stepping back as they wiggled frantically on the floor. She would have been hard-pressed to name the culprit behind this joke but there was only one man who looked her straight in the eye, a teasing and daring smirk on his face.

She scowled at him but could not hide the interest that once more sparked within.

Three weeks later, Mr. Thomas Bennet decided to go for his daily ride but found his stable bereft of horses. In their place were hundreds of writhing slimy worms along with a note--"Owed: One fan." He read the note, looked back at the massive pile of worms (three weeks worth of diligent digging and storing, he surmised) and nodded his head. That same day, he sent a note out to his solicitor, cheerfully whistling and patting the messenger on the back when he asked, rather uncertainly, why Mr. Bennet did not simply ride into Meryton himself to deliver the note.

"I do not believe the worms could take it," Mr. Bennet grinned and left it at that, chuckling to himself as he entered his home.

The following week, Mr. Bennet made use of his horses--thankfully only missing for a day, although the worms were still making their way back to their homes--and decided to visit, for the first time, the Gardiners Mr. Philips to shield him. There was no other day that he needed greater protection than this day for there was no person who Fanny Gardiner found more abominable that day than he. She showed her hospitality upon sighting his form from the window. She immediately rushed out doors, rounding upon him just as he was dismounting from his horse and welcomed him to her home by spewing all the nasty words she could think of (admittedly, this was not many).

Til the day he died, he would never forget the fetching image that was a red-faced Fanny Gardiner, blond hair eschewed as she hurtled insult after insult at him. There was nothing she did not attack--he was rude, pompous, a bore! He was the worst sort of man and old! His nose was crooked, his teeth were too small and his eyes would have better served the Wilkinson's nearly blind horse. She found his very person despicable and when he spoke, she wished someone would show her some mercy and box her ears.

Thomas Bennet stared in awe at the vision as she lambasted any and everything about him and all that he ever loved or held in esteem. She was perfect!

"Why Miss. Fanny Gardiner," he gallantly bowed, "what a pleasant surprise! I was given to understand you were looking to make some new purchases in the village today."

"Oh you insufferable bad bad man!" she screeched. "You know very well why I could not make any new purchases!"

"Indeed, I cannot fathom it. I myself made several purchases this morning--including a rather inordinate amount of ribbons."

"My ribbons!" she scowled and stomped her foot childishly. He laughed, beaming.

"Ah yes, well, I could not very well have you buying useless things before I could give them to you myself." She started, stunned at his admission and he forced himself to settle for a grin instead of the wink he wished to send her way. "I believe this is yours?" And from his satchel, he produced a fan, a near exact match for the one she had lost then found filled with worms.

She blushed prettily--or would have had her face not already been a brilliant but blotchy red from her earlier tirade--and took the fan, expressing her gratitude before remembering she was upset with him. "I still do not forgive you for telling all the shopkeepers to set aside everything I wished to purchase as being on reserve for yourself!" She pouted, "How cruel of you, Mr. Bennet. I need those new ribbons!"

"In time, Miss Gardiner, in time," He replied and offered her his arm. She sent him a confused look but took his arm anyway.

"When will I be able to get my ribbons?" She pouted, "There is to be a dance in a month's time."

"My dear Miss Gardiner, that is a matter entirely up to you," Mr. Bennet grinned teasingly, "You are not suggesting I gift you anything before we are engaged, are you? Why, think of your reputation!"

"My--my--my!" She spluttered, "You, Mr. Bennet, are insupportable!" She let go of his arm as her hands went to her hips, "Those are my ribbons!"

"Oh? I believe the shopkeeper might disagree." He grinned, "However I am not so very mean," he paused, waiting until she had him continue. "Or I would not be so mean to my life partner." He ignored her intense blushing, turning her already pink cheeks back to the red it was earlier, continuing before he lost his nerve, "I imagine a wife of mine would have all the ribbons she so desired." He paused, grimacing as he recalled how many yards of ribbons he had been informed was purchased by him this morning. Miss Fanny Gardiner was nothing but persistent when she desired something, even if--or perhaps because of--she was repeatedly told said desired object was to be set aside for a Mr. Bennet. "Within reason, of course," he amended.

"Oooh!" Fanny Gardiner scowled, "Who would marry you?!"

"Someone who is in desperate want of some very pretty ribbons." He grinned to hide his worry, "I understand you are desirous of some ribbons, are you not Miss Gardiner?"

"Mr. Bennet, I would not marry you for all the ribbons in England!" She spun around and made to flounce into her house but he stopped her with his next words.

"What of those many yards of ribbons you wished to purchase this morning and something else?"

"What?" She turned around and gasped, speechless when she found him smiling shyly at her, his hands cupped around a frog with long strands of ribbon tied around its middle. As if to help make up her mind, the frog let out one lone, pathetic croak.

"M..Mr. Bennet," She blinked rapidly to try and quell the tears and could only nod her answer. Anything else she might have said after was interrupted as her mother came to the door and let out a screech, calling for Mr. Gardiner to come quick.

Back in the safety of his study and the present-day, Mr. Bennet chuckled softly as he remembered that day. It had taken some time but eventually the Gardiners came to learn he was not attempting to torture their little Fanny but rather, had just proposed to her. Despite the oddity of his proposal ("A frog?!! What an odd group the children of today are!" Mrs. Gardiner had declared before falling into raptures) he was eventually given their blessing, ("Ooh my darling Fanny, I knew you must be so pretty for a reason! Imagine, mistress to an estate!") and before he knew it, he found himself welcoming his new wife to Longbourn.

Few knew what it was that drew him to his Fanny but he and she knew and that was the way they wished to keep it. It was something between just the two of them, something that denoted them as man and wife beyond the marital bedroom. Speaking of...

He felt anticipation make its way down his spine as he thought of how Fanny might make him pay for his little joke. Mr. Bennet knew his children thought he locked himself in his study to hide from his wife and they were not entirely wrong. The study was his safe haven from the evil machinations that was his wife. He had long ago extracted a promise from his wife that her jokes would not extend into his study after--here, he shuddered--that unfortunate incident just months following their wedding.

To this day, he could not stop the cold sweat that appeared when he thought of that long fortnight when his devious wife, angry at his own little joke in the bedroom, allowed him to think she had sold all of his beloved books. Once she felt he was properly chastened, she allowed her brother Gardiner (confused as he was) to bring the books back to Longbourn but not without first forcing her husband to promise to leave his jokes out of her bed chambers. He agreed only after she promised to leave his study free from what trickery her mind conjured and their promise to one another was solidified nine months later by a beautiful baby girl.

It made sense to him that Jane should be so obliging when she was borne out of a truce. Elizabeth, however...he could not stop the grin that caused his muscles to twitch even as he felt the urge to grimace.

His jokes on his wife were more prevalent to his children and he preferred it that way. Marriage had not tempered Fanny's delight in a good joke but it certainly did shift where her jokes took place. He may have promised to leave his jokes out of the marital bed but Fanny certainly hadn't and---

He swallowed.

He may have discouraged Fanny from playing her jokes in his study but he very avidly encouraged her to do so in her chambers.

Stepping outside his study, he whistled happily as he heard his wife effusively sing him praise to their children. He had long learned there was a direct correlation between how fervently she praised him outside their marital bed with how she sought to repay him for a good joke in it.

Who knows, perhaps after this night he might find himself gifted with three frogs in his study again to be released into the pond on their property. A bit sadly, he thought of all those other frogs that his wife had used to let him know when she was in a delicate condition. He had not thought to tie a ribbon around them until after Mary's arrival when he went to the pond and realized they, too, had expanded their population. And perhaps, this time and with luck, that littlest frog would turn out to be the heralding of a little son of their own.

Whatever the case, he knew one thing was certain.

He could not wait to see how Fanny would respond to his little joke tonight.