A Student's Diary
After drifting through classes for the last couple of years, I decided it was time to whip myself into shape. I only have two semesters left before I graduate and this is going to be my greatest experiment. I have dug my student planner from out of the bottom of my backpack and will turn it into a diary (might as well get some use out of it as I paid $14.50 for it). I will keep track of my study habits and try to stick to my resolutions. I'll have this diary to look back upon to make sure I am staying on course.
Middle of Semester Resolutions
-Listen attentively to all lectures no matter how dull they are
-Be on time for all classes
-Complete all essays/research papers on time
-Do reading assignments instead skimming through them and hoping for the best on exams
I Will Not:
-Sleep in class
-Break alarm clock
10:20 am-11:30 am: HST 150 or World History since 1500
12:10 pm-1:30 pm: PSY 284 or Abnormal Psychology
10:20 am-12:10 pm: WS 201 or Introduction to Feminist Thought
8 am-8:50 am: Discussion class for World History course
Alarm went off and scared the crap out of me. As a result, alarm is demolished since my initial reaction was to throw it across the room, where it hit the wall. Mental note: Buy new clock. Better get out of bed and hop into shower.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... It's freezing!
There, I'm all nice and groomed. Am ready for class now. Oops! Forgot mascara.
Owwwwwwwwwwwwww! Stabbed myself in the eye with mascara brush!
Ran downstairs and was immediately besieged by pets, who were hungry and/or needed to be put out. Got that done in record time and was going to kitchen to make myself breakfast when I stepped in cat barf. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... Why must cats insist on leaving little presents?
Got puke cleaned up. Now time for breakfast. No, wait. Now time to get shoes on and load up backpack. Will have fruit-filled breakfast bar since I can eat that in the car.
Pulled over by cop on the I-69. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I had taken a bite of the breakfast bar and got a horrible surprise. "YECK!" I shrieked as I spit out a chunk of bar. I looked at the wrapper. Strawberry, banana, and kiwi? Gross! I rolled down the window and tossed the bar out of car. Unfortunately there was a cop behind me who saw it and pulled me over.
$100 fine for littering! That's highway robbery!
Was late for first class. Fortunately it's in a large lecture hall since class size is about 300 students. Sneaked in and hid in the back row so nobody noticed my red face and heavy breathing from running to class.
Ok, have notebook, have pencil, and now will pay attention and take good notes.
Hmmmmmmmmm... There are 1,531 ceiling tiles in this hall. Can that be right? Will count again.
Am starting to get drowsy. Will just shut eyes and soak up information as professor talks. Can't really takes notes on this lecture anyway.
Huh? Where did everyone go? Oh, class ended 10 minutes ago.
Great. Just great. Was caught in a sudden downpour while walking to my second class. I now have runny mascara, and damp clothing. Must look like Frankenstein on crack.
My cuticles are growing again. Wonder if I have manicure set. Will check backpack.
Nope. Not in there. Will just have to use pencil end to push them back.
There. Much better.
Did my prof just say "Freud"?
AAAAAAACK! SHE DID! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo! I HATE FREUD! FREUD MUST DIE!
Will plug ears so I can't hear anymore.
Prof stopped lecturing to ask if there was something wrong with my ears. Just stared at her stupidly and then mumbled something about an earache. Why do I always get caught doing stupid stuff? Will cower in seat until everyone stops staring.
Is it safe to come out yet?
Yep, nobody's paying attention to me now.
Uhhhhhhhhhh... Class is supposed to be over with. Why does the prof keep blabbing on? Have much better things to do than sit here, such as sleeping, eating, or just staring blankly out the window.
Come on! Finish already!
My car's parked in a pay lot you know!
Who cares about the Oedipus complex? I wanna leave!
SHUT UP ALREADY!
Finally! Now have to run to car before am charged more for another 30 minutes of parking.
Just got home and now will get on computer for about an hour to check email, chat, etc. Then will do homework.
ACK! 3 hours on the comp! How did I do that? Will into living room now and start reading.
Ok, all settled in. Am comfortable and now will do reading assignments.
Will turn on TV. Need background noise.
Oooooooooooooooooh... History of the Dungbeetle is on Channel 7. Sounds interesting. Heck, I can put off studying for another hour.
Whoohoo! Die Hard 2 is on HBO! Gotta see this!
Oops. Forgot to eat dinner. Will heat up frozen lasagna.
Buuuuurrrrrrrrp! Oh! Bedtime!
Why is going to bed such a chore? Put dog out first, change in to pajamas, take out contacts, brush teeth, wash face, go to the bathroom. By the time I get done, the night's half over.
Crap... Forgot to get new alarm clock. Will have to hope I wake up in time. Think I'll program my brain. I will wake up in time. I will wake up in time.
Whew! Got ready in 20 minutes and drove the 30 miles to the University at breakneck speed. Ran to class---late... again---only to find prof hasn't made it here yet. Maybe she won't show and I can go home early...
Nope, she came. Oh well, I like this class anyway. Wonder what we're going to discuss today.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooh... The Patriarchal Establishment! This is gonna be good!
Heheheheheheheheheeeee... I love this class. A lot of reading for it but we get to talk for 2 hours instead of listening to the professor blab.
MEN SUCK! YEAH BABY! DOWN WITH THE PATRIARCHY! WOMEN AIN'T WEAK! WE'RE STRONG! AND BETTER THAN MEN! YEAH!
Stupid men. Making us pay for parking. $1.40 for two hours! Only men would charge that much. It's the patriarchy dammit! Women would do much better. Free parking, yeah baby!
Stupid men. Stuck in traffic jam. Why did men invent traffic jams? I know! It's to keep women from going to work. It's a conspiracy of the patriarchal establishment so we have to stay at home, barefoot and pregnant. Well I'll show them! I'll just sit here patiently and wait it out! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!
Stupid men. Stuck at railroad crossing where extremely loooooong freight train is blocking off road. Why did men invent trains? Useless... Just like men!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! Just gave a male driver the one-finger salute, while sitting at stoplight. The look on his face was priceless! WOMAN POWER!
Oh, must go buy alarm clock.
Stupid men. Why do they charge so much for a stupid alarm clock? I know! They don't want women to buy them so they can't wake up on time and then are late for work so they end up getting fired. It's all so clear to me now.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Home sweet home.
Wonder what's on TV?
Whoohoo! Mask of Zorro! Will drool over Antonio Banderas for a while and then must work on research paper due tomorrow.
Ooooooooooooh... I wonder if any of the girls would want to have a Hot Man Fest? Will just call them up and see!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Three of them are coming over! Let's see... Must pick out a
movie to add to theirs... Laurie's bringing Nowhere To Run, so no
Jean-Claude Van Damme... Elise has Desperado so none of my Antonio
Banderas movies... And Sarah's got The Matrix and Much Ado About
Nothing so no Keanu Reeves, Kenneth Branagh, or Denzel Washington... Ooooooh
Denzel in leather pants...
Uh anyway, what should I- Oh I know! Pride and Prejudice! We can fast forward to all our favorite Colin Firth moments! Heheeeeee... Oh! Doorbell! WHOOHOO PARTY TIME!!!!
Heheheeeeeeee... Oops! Juts nocked over abottle fo vodka! Heeee!
Gotta lvoe that antono! Oooohhh and Coln and Kenny, my Kneey! I wis I had a Bennedicttttt!
Everone vent home now. Will og to bid...
Oh wiat... Ther's something I shold be doinng... AAAACK RESEARCH PAPER! Now wlli hav ot stay up allllllllllllllllllll niiiiiiiiiiiight
Ouch, my face hurts. Mental note: Never fall asleep and use keyboard as pillow. Now my face has red marks all over it... Well I got the paper done, I think. Oh well no time now---will just take shower while I'm printing out.
Oh my gods! Pounding headache! Ugh too much vodka last night! Must get up. Must get shower. Must go to class and turn in paper or all this effort will be wasted.
I think I'm gonna be sick...
Ewwwwwwwww... Now I have barf breath and no amount of toothpaste will make it go away.
My house is a wreck... Bottles lying everywhere, popcorn smashed into the floor, garbage can knocked over with cat digging inside it... ACK! Well too late now! Must get going.
Forgot research paper!
Forgot where I was going!
Oh, right! Class!
Well that was a harrowing drive. Too many cars on the interstate and too many slow drivers. Weaved in and out of traffic like a crazed maniac. Road rage and hangovers do not mix! At least I got here alive and got that stinking paper in.
Gaaaaaah... My head feels like somebody's using it for an anvil...
Does the prof have to talk so LOUD? I don't ever remember him being this bad---he's almost yelling and it's making my head hurt worse.
AAAAAAAAAAAACK! Feedback from the microphone! Someone needs to turn down the volume. Or stuff a sock in the prof's mouth.
I don't know if I can make to my other class... Head is pounding, dry mouth, world spinning... I think I'm gonna die. NO! Must go on! Must go to class! Must not forget resolutions!
Just noticed that the prof isn't teaching today. Must be a guest speaker.
Bleh... Need sleep...
Had the bejeezus scared out of me! Was dreaming that I was climbing a mountain and I fell off. It was one of those where you really feel like you're falling---well I actually almost did! I nearly fell out of my chair!
Why do none of the people in the class look familiar?
And what does the structure of an amoeba have to do with psychology?
I think I'm in the wrong class...
Oh gods! I am! How did I do that? Man, I am so embarrassed. Can't leave because then I'll draw attention to myself. Will just keep head down and hope nobody noticed a new girl in their class.
Will this class never end?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DON'T STAY OVER 15 MINUTES!!! THE ROTTEN AMOEBA ISN'T WORTH IT I TELL YOU! WHO CARES???? AAAAAAACK! I WANNA GO HOME!!!
YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! FREEDOM!
Ok, after nearly falling asleep at the wheel and narrowly missing a deer, I think it's time for a nap. AND I'M NOT GOING TO WAKE UP UNTIL TOMORROW!
Huh? Only 5 am? I'm going back to sleep then.
Argh! Am wide-awake now. Crap. Might as well get up and get shower then.
Ok, now what? I leave around 9 soooooooo... I've got about 2 ½ hours to kill. Guess I could eat breakfast.
Ewwwwwwwwww... All I have is stale cereal, moldy bread, and eggs that are starting to smell funny. Oh the choices...
Ok, I'll just eat the cereal---at least I know that's safe. Now where's the milk?
YEEEEEEEECK!!! ROTTEN MILK! OH GROSS! HEEEEEEEELP!
Now how will I eat my cereal? Ooooooh I know!
Prune juice in cereal... Not exactly the greatest thing in the world but it's better than rotten milk.
Ugh, ok three bowls of that crap is all I can stand.
Dum da dum da dum...
La la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Figaro, Figaro, Fiiiiiiiiiiigaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrroooooo!
Wonder what's on TV?
Huh. Well it's either Barney, The Today Show, or an Oprah re-run. I guess it's The Today Show.
These morning shows suck. You get a little bit of national news, even less world news, and then the rest is filled with meaningless garbage. Make your own Christmas ornaments! Who has the friggin' time? How to cook for 30 people for under $100! Yeah, and I bet all the food tastes like garbage. See the latest winter fashions! Oh joy! I want to wear something that costs only $1000 and looks like it was shaved off a dog's butt. How to make your children love school! What? Are these people on crack? Sheesh!
Yoga Baby? Riiiiiiight...
Oh! Jerry Springer!
Ahahahahahaaaaa! Bisexual circus clowns who secretly hate their spouses and are in love with their mothers! Where does Jerry get these people?
Gods, I'm embarrassed to admit I'm even watching this.
Now the stage has turned into a total war zone.
AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! One clown just kicked Jerry in the family jewels while wearing those big floppy shoes! WHOOHOO!
Time to go!
Hey! I'm early to class for once! Go figure!
Apparently we haven't finished Tuesday's discussion on the patriarchal establishment. Whoohoo!
Better go check my email.
Stupid men. I hate computers. Worthless login screen won't accept my password and I know it's right---it's the same one I've had for four years after all. It's all men's fault. They would build crappy computers and university email accounts that don't work.
What's this? An email from my history prof... He wants to see me after class about the paper I turned in yesterday. Uh oh... Wonder what that could mean? Will ponder this on the drive home.
I wish I remembered what I wrote. I bet I screwed up royally.
I'm gonna fail the class. Then I won't graduate from college. Will be laughing stock of my class. Will have to become disgruntled burger flipper.
Maybe I'm being too pessimistic. What if it's of superior quality and the prof wants to congratulate me?
Yeeeeaaaaaaah! I bet that's it! I wrote an amazingly wonderful paper! What if I'm nominated for some type of award? What if the prof wants to publish it in a respected journal?
Ha ha! Yes! I will be hailed as the upcoming genius in modern times, comparable to Einstein! My paper will make an impact on the world, influencing generations to come! I might just win the Nobel Peace Prize! Oooooooh must go practice acceptance speech then.
I have to call all my friends and tell them this!
WHOOHOO! WE'RE GONNA CELEBRATE! BRING ON THE BEER! YEAH!
Wen I'm Presydent of the Wolrd, I'm gonna declair this day a holidya! WHOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!
Im tires. Mus sleepp.
Ugh. Can't find beddybyeyeyeyeyeeeeeee. Well jus seep Here. Whe'res here? /There? Wha? Don't mater. Seep...
Wha? How did I end up sleeping on the floor of my bathroom? Woke up with my head rammed between the toilet and the wall. Brrrrr... These floor tiles are cold. I'm going to my real bed.
Ah man! Noooooooooooooo... Broke my new alarm clock. Well that's more money down the drain and another dent in my wall. The heck with it, I'm going back to sleep. Nothing important is happening in class anyway.
Dang it! That's right, my prof wanted to see me today. Argh. Someone kill me now.
BLAAAAAAARGH!!! Eyes watering!
Ugh. Nothing like putting contacts into dry, sleepy eyes.
Uhhhhhhhhh.... Don't wanna go to class. Don't wanna go outside. It's too coooooold...
It's inhuman, simply inhuman how they schedule classes for eight in the morning. I mean why torture everyone? When I'm President of the World, I'm gonna ban all early morning classes! None will be allowed to start until after 11 am! Yeah baby!
When I'm President of the World, I think I'm going to also ban all discussion classes. They're pointless as nothing really is discussed and a waste of my time.
Will also ban platform shoes. Don't like ‘em.
And paper clips.
Dum da dum duuuummmm... Well here it is folks, the day of truth! Now is when I shall find out about my glorious paper and underrated brilliance!
Am in complete shock. How could this happen? I am so disgusted with myself... I am never ever going to write a paper unless I'm strictly sober. Here's the beginning of what I wrote:
How Men Wrecked the World
IT all started Way back in the very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, start of time whEN a man first pickeded up a wooden club and beat another man over the head with it, causing the second man's BraINs to ooze all over the GrOunD and mesS up the cave. After ThaT al men started BeaTing eachother over the Heasd with Clubs. Then they iVentEd spears and started stabbing each OTHER with Them. Evenutallly they built ships and made horsies to travel Around farther so they CouLD stabmoremen. Sooon men Were running arouhnd stabbing and cluBBing eachother todeath while the women just stood Theire and watched in AmAzement then just shookd their heads and said "men Suck"...
...pretty soon they inveneteeddd the nuclear bomb and now men are Gonnna Blow up the world. We're all going to die because men are stupid idiots because they LIKE beAtIng their brains out and toasting eachother to crispy little crips. And That's how Men wrEckeded the world.
Prof said I was allowed to fix it but not to expect a big increase in my grade. At least I'll pass the class I guess. Will just go home and die now.
Why doesn't a plane crash on my house when I need it?
Or lightening strike? Argh, I am so embarrassed! How can I go back after this???? HUH? HOW? HOOOOOOOOW?
Even worse thought... How can I face my friends? After telling them that I was the next Einstein and President of the World? And then celebrating it? Well one thing's for sure---I'm going to stay in all weekend to get that stinking paper done but not before I get plastered tonight and then beat my head against the wall. So I'm officially signing off for today a wiser and more disgusted woman.
Looking back at the past week, I realize that I've done worse than my usual and I think it's because I've spent so much time writing in this stinking diary instead of everything else. Here's a breakdown.
Alarm clocks broken: 2 out of 2
Notes taken: 3 pages out of 15 possible
Number of classes late to: 3 out of 7
Number of classes slept in: 2 out of 7
Number of classes missed: 1 out of 7
Number of classes ignored: 5 out of 7
How many times I procrastinated: Whenever it was humanly possible
Huh. Well there's only one good thing I can say for myself---I went to all my classes! Well that one missed doesn't really count since I meant to be there but was just in the wrong class. But the rest of it... How depressing... You know, I don't think I want to keep track of what I'm doing anymore; ignorance is bliss. So the end of it all that this diary is going back to the bottom of my backpack where it belongs. And maybe, years from now I'll find it, read it, and just laugh.
© 2000 Copyright held by the author.